APOV

"Why am I apologizing to you? You were traveling through Europe, having a virtual smorgasbord of BDSM scenes with God knows how many women and doing who knows what with them. Why don't you tell me about all your subs? Why don't you tell me about all the stuff you did with them? Why should I feel contrite?!" I shout.

"Why? I'll tell you why! Because I didn't fuck any of them! That's why! Fifteen, fifteen, fif-fucking-teen!"

What? Did he just say he didn't fuck any of them? No way!

He repeats that number over and over again. He rubs his hands over his face and I can still hear him mumbling, "Fifteen, fifteen, fifteen."

"Oh get over it, Christian, it's just a number for goodness sakes."

He removes his hands from his face in shock, "Just a number?! Just a number? Are you kidding me? It's not just a number! Each number signifies...a person. Someone with which you had...a relationship."

"It wasn't a relationship; it was a contract with fifteen people. There is a difference."

"Don't split hairs with me, Anastasia. How can you just refer to them as 'just a number?' I don't get it. Help me, please, because this is really mindfucking me."

"Talk about a mindfuck. Are you telling me that you haven't had any sort of physical relationship with anyone since...us?"

"Define physical."

"You know what I mean, Christian! You've already said that you haven't...you know."

"Fucked anyone? That's true, I haven't, nor have I made love to anyone. It's only you, Ana, it's always been only you."

"Christian, I...I don't know what to say. I mean, really? You haven't...with anyone? What about all that BDSM stuff? I'm sure it became sexual, didn't it?"

"Not for me, that wasn't what I was looking for. I loved you, Ana, I still love you, I will always love you. You and I together, there's no comparison, baby. How could I love anyone else or even think about being with someone else in that way? It's just not possible, Ana."

"Oh my God, Christian. Really? I mean really, really?"

"Yes, Ana, really, really."

"What did you do for...I mean, surely being at those places aroused you, didn't it?"

"It's called control, Ana, I was there for punishment and for control. Punishment for my unresolved issues with guilt and control for the 'monster' that I thought I had buried inside of me. I never stopped loving you Ana. You were always on my mind. I loved you so much that I had no choice but to leave you. The fear of physically hurting you scared the shit out of me. I needed help and unfortunately, I sought out help in the worst way possible. I'm not saying that BDSM is a bad thing, but it wasn't something that I should have used as a coping mechanism. I know that now."

"Wow, who are you and what have you done with Christian Grey?"

"I'm still here, only I'd like to believe I'm a less fucked-up version of my former self."

"I still don't understand. What did you do for...release?"

CPOV

I extend my hand to her and she puts her hand in mine. I can't help but chuckle despite the seriousness of our conversation.

"What's so funny?"

"You, me, this entire conversation."

"I don't get it."

"My hand, Ana! That's what I've been using as a release. My damn hand!"

"What?" she gasps.

"That's right, Ana, say hello to your competition. Hand, say hello to the reason that I've nearly sprained my wrist countless times over." I can't help but laugh again.

Ana laughs and says, "Wow, I need to ask again, who are you and what have you done with Christian Grey?"

Her heart has lightened but I still have a shattered heart as I once again think about that number. Fifteen.

"I feel so much better, Christian. When you told me about where you've been and the places you frequented, you can only imagine where my mind went."

Yes, her mind went where my mind is now, in a current state of shock. My soul is crushed but I know we must continue, I have to face this, I have to deal with the fact that there have been...others. I could deal with Noah but that was before I knew her, before I laid my claim on her. Now I have to deal with the aftermath of my fucked up decision. I will now have to face the ramifications of my decision to leave Ana. God give me strength.

"Yes, well. Now we have to talk about you and the uh...fifteen."

Ana's about to speak when we hear little Kristen crying over the baby monitor.

"Christian, I have to tend to my...our daughter. Give me a moment."

"I'll come with you. That is, if it's ok?"

"Of course."

I follow her to Kristen's room and I can see little Kristen fussing about. "She probably needs a diaper change," Ana says as she carries our baby girl out of her crib.

"May I help?" I say even though I'm not exactly sure what I can do to help. I've only just found out that I'm a father and now I find out that the woman I love was into the BDSM lifestyle.

"You can hand me a diaper," Ana says as she carries Kristen to a little bed where she removes her diaper.

I hand Ana the diaper and she quickly and expertly changes her in no time. "There you go, little one, all better," Ana says as she's about to put her back in her crib.

"May I put her back in bed?" I ask.

Ana looks at me with surprise. She smiles and hands me our daughter.

Shit! Now what? How do I hold her?

"Just keep one hand on her bottom and the other on her back, you're doing fine," Ana says as she leads me back to Kristen's crib.

"She feels so good," I say as I lower my head and inhale. "She smells so pure and sweet." I'm in awe of this little baby girl and I know that I have fallen in love with her. Kristen tilts her head back to look at me. She smiles and I instinctively apply a bit of pressure against her back so as to not allow her to snap her head back.

"You're a natural," Ana says as I slowly and gingerly place Kristen back in her crib. She sticks her thumb in her mouth, looks at me once more, and slowly closes her eyes as she goes back to sleep.

My baby girl, my little princess, she's perfect in every way and I'm going to make sure that no harm comes to her. I'm her father and I will love and protect her until the day I die but first, I have to talk to Ana. We still need to sort this number out. Fifteen...

"Christian?" Ana says as I look to Ana and away from our sleeping miracle. "Shall we return downstairs and continue our conversation?"

"Yes," I say as we head back towards the family room.

We sit down on the sofa as I'm thinking about my beautiful baby daughter. "Ana, these fifteen...contracts as you put it, I need to know about them and I need to know what you did. Not only for myself but for our little girl. Jesus Christ, Ana. I know I made a huge mistake but you? You had our daughter and you were living this lifestyle. Please help me to understand what exactly went on with you and what went on in this house, with our daughter here. I'm trying, Ana, I'm really trying to not to lose my cool here."

"Look, nothing happened while our daughter was here. I want to make that perfectly clear right now. Nothing! I would never do anything in my home while Kristen was here. I love my baby girl very much."

"I don't doubt that one bit, Ana, but..."

"Don't you dare question my skills as a mother, Christian! I did this on my own, without any help from you and I would never do anything to hurt my baby."

"Our baby," I say gently.

"Our baby," Ana repeats.

"I have Kate, my nanny. When I had...clients here, Kate would take Kristen with her. My clients never stayed here, they were only here for the evening and they were always out of my home no later than nine o'clock. My scenes always began at precisely six o'clock. I made sure that everything was perfectly timed, week-ends only, and an occasional weekday call when I felt the need to uh..."

I cut her off not wanting to hear the details at the moment.

"So you're telling me that Kristen never saw any of them or that she was never in your home while these...activities took place?"

"Of course not!" Ana shouts, sounding rather insulted.

Why is she angry with me for asking? What the fuck does she think? She's been with fifteen different men and...Shit! I cannot wrap my mind around it. I need to know what happened and why so many.

"Tell me, Ana, tell me about them."

"Christian, are you sure you want to hear this? Please, this isn't easy for me to talk about, especially with you."

"I need to know, Ana. I think I deserve to know, a part of me doesn't want to acknowledge it, but the other part needs to know. I need to hear this, I need to pay for what I've done to you, even if it kills me, even if it breaks what little heart and soul I have left."

Ana takes a deep breath and sighs; she squares her shoulders back with resolve. She's going to do this. "Ok, Christian, what do you want to know?"

"Were they all submissives?"

"Yes."

"Did you ever switch roles?"

"No."

"Ok, I don't want details...yet, but I do want to know the time frame of the fifteen. How long were you in a contractual relationship with each one and why did the contract end with each one?"

"Oh God, Christian. I'll do my best but please remember, this is an estimate and it's not like I gave them much thought once the contract was over so please, don't hold me to exact time frames. This is just an estimated guess."

"Fair enough, go."

"My first submissive lasted one month and I really didn't feel comfortable with him so I ended the contract. I had two submissives the following month and they both moved on to other Dommes so it was a mutual ending of the contract for each of them."

"You had two submissives at the same time?!" I shout.

"No, I had two in one month. I never did threesomes."

Oh yay, at least I can rest easy about that.

"I don't share, Christian. I was monogamous in my contracts as were my submissives."

Shit, she sounds like me.

"Fine, so we're up to three now. Go on."

"The third one, Colin..."

Shit, she used his name. Did he mean something to her?

"...he apologized and said that he had to take care of an urgent matter. The next thing you know, I get a phone call telling me that he was killed in a plane crash."

I got lost in my thoughts and all I heard was the end, Colin was killed in a plane crash. Ana looks devastated. She cared for him. I can see it in her eyes. I'm a selfish bastard because I'm relieved that this Colin person is gone, I think he might have been a challenge for me. I bet he lasted longer than one month.

"So, there was no contract to end."

"No," Ana says with sadness in her eyes.

"How long was Colin your submissive?"

She pauses for a moment and I know it's bad, it was definitely longer than one month.

"Tell me, Ana. How long?" I demand.

"Three months."

Shit!

"Would you have eventually ended it with him?" I ask as I start to shake.

"I don't know, who knows anything about what would have happened if? What if you hadn't left me?"

"Fair point well made. Go on," I say, not wanting to continue talking about this Colin fucker.

"The next month I went through three submissives, the following month, I went through three more. I ended their contracts. We weren't...compatible."

My head is spinning as I try to understand what she just said.

"So you're telling me that you went through ten submissives in the span of seven months?!" I shout as I stand up and pace the floor once again.

"Christian, Colin passed away, he was a good submissive, he was kind and sweet and I was hurt and confused and alone...again. I didn't want to connect with anyone, I just wanted...I needed to give pain to someone, I wanted someone to know the pain that I was feeling, the sadness, the despair and the emptiness that I had inside of me. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but it's how I felt at the time. I was on a downward spiral."

"Jesus, Ana! Ok, I'll sit now," I say as I sit back down.

"Well, that's pretty much it, Christian."

I do the math in my mind and realize there's still more for her to share.

"No, you still have five months that are unaccounted for. How many and for how long?"

"I had one submissive for each of the remaining five months. It was all very cold and sterile and I realized that what I was doing was not helping me; if anything, it made things worse. I fell into a deep depression. That's when I started seeing Angie."

"Angie?"

"Angie is my therapist. Noah and Carolyn begged me to get some help. I've been seeing Dr. Scott or Angie, rather, for a little over two months, which is when I left the scene."

"So, you're done? No more BDSM?"

"No more," Ana says as she looks at the wall.

"Is there anything else that I need to know?"

"Isn't that enough?"

"Yes, it's more than enough actually. I guess I'm just preparing for the shoe to drop." I can't help but think about all those men and what they did to my Ana. Thank fuck she's done. I need to know. I know it's going to kill me but I need full disclosure if I am to move forward. I can do this.

Ana asks, "You have another question. A big one, I can tell. Let's get this over with. I don't want to do this anymore."

I look at Ana as I try to remain impassive.

"Is it a question? Or, is it something that you need to share with me? It's bad isn't it?" she asks.

"What did you do with them, Ana?"

"What?"

"You heard me, what did you do with them? With your submissives, did you have sex with all of them?"

"What?!" Ana shouts as she looks at me with wide eyes.

"I'm sorry, Ana, I have to know. Please tell me. How many?"

"None! I didn't have sex with any of them! It wasn't about sex, Christian, it was about releasing my anger and pain. I didn't have sex with any of them. Not a one."

"Colin?" I ask, angry at myself for being jealous of a dead man.

Ana doesn't answer.

"Ana? Did you and Colin..."

"No, but I did want to."

"Why didn't you?"

Damn! Why am I asking these questions.

"Christian, why are you asking such a silly question?"

"I need to know, Ana. I'm trying to understand."

"I was attracted to Colin, but I didn't have sex with him because I wasn't in love with him. I was still in love with you, Christian. I...still am. It's always been you."

"Ana, oh baby," I say as I take her hand in mine.

Ana pulls her hand away from mine and says, "It's late and I have an early day tomorrow."

"Are you kicking me out?"

"Not at all, you're more than welcome to stay."

I smile and stand as I extend my hand; she takes it and stands up. I quickly pull her to me and lock her in an embrace.

"Christian, what are you doing? What is it?"

"I'm just happy this discussion is over, that is, I mean, is there anything else you need to tell me?" I ask, preparing for the worst.

"Nothing comes to mind, I mean, I've told you the worst of it. Other things will come to mind but nothing like what I've just shared with you."

"So, do you think we can, you know, date?" I ask feeling hopeful.

Ana pulls away from my embrace, "You still want to...date me? Even after everything that I've told you?"

My God, doesn't she realize that she is my everything?

"Of course I do, Ana, I love you. I'll always love you and I still want to marry you and make you mine."

Ana yawns and says, "This is all a little too much for me to digest considering the time. Look, you're more than welcome to stay in one of my guest bedrooms and we can talk more in the morning."

"Can't I sleep with you?"

"What?" Ana shouts.

"I won't do anything. Well, actually I want to but I promise to behave. I just want to hold you Ana. I've missed you so much. Please, baby?"

Ana furrows her brow and says, "Promise not to pull anything funny."

"Yes."

I call Taylor and have him deliver an overnight bag. Half an hour later Ana and I shower, separately of course, and I walk in to her bedroom. She looks adorable in a tank top and spandex shorts. I'm wearing pajama bottoms and a tank shirt.

"You look beautiful, Ana."

"Remember, you promised." Ana says as I slide into bed with her.

I nod and say, "Come here, I want to hold you."

She tentatively slides next to me and holds me tight.

I gasp as I feel her arms and hands touch me. This is where I belong, this is where she belongs, with me, in my arms. My Ana, the mother of child and, hopefully, soon to be my wife.

A/N

Oh my gosh guys! THANK YOU! I LOVED reading each and every review. I was dying to know what you all thought about the number of subs that Ana had, so again, I thank you so very much!

I love you all,

Rosie :D