APOV
I slowly wake up, feeling like a kid on Christmas morning, wondering what Christian has in store for us today. I stretch my arm out and slowly open my eyes, feeling the empty space next to me. Christian is already up. He must be having some coffee or perhaps he's making his plans for my surprise.
I take a quick shower and dress in some casual jeans and a t-shirt. I sneak quietly into Kristen's room and gasp when I see that she's not in her crib. I run downstairs and see something that makes my heart explode.
Christian is feeding Kristen, or rather Kristen is attempting to feed herself by smashing scrambled eggs in her tiny chubby little hands. Christian is smiling and saying, "That's my good girl. That's right, baby girl, eat all your breakfast. I won't have to worry about making sure you eat; you have a healthy appetite, just like your daddy."
"Well, you two are certainly up early," I say as I join them at the breakfast table.
"That we are," Christian replies, taking a sip of coffee.
"Who made breakfast?" I ask as I look around.
"I did, who else would it be? Certainly not Kristen," Christian replies as he makes a funny face. Kristen giggles and squeezes more scrambled eggs in her chubby fingers; she holds out her hand and Christian does something that shocks me. He eats it!
"Whoa!" I exclaim.
"What?" Christian asks as he turns to face me.
"You ate that egg, after it's been..."
"She's my daughter, Ana. Of course I ate it," he says matter-of-factly.
I giggle as I imagine Christian making breakfast while trying to entertain our daughter.
"I might have guessed Kristen made breakfast, but apparently, my guess would have been wrong," I say as I sit at the table, smiling like the fool in love that I am.
"Indeed," Christian states as he stands.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm going to serve you your breakfast."
"I can do it."
"No, sit. Let me," he orders.
This feels so right, so normal and so perfect. It's almost like we're married. I have the perfect little family. Christian hasn't mentioned marriage and now that I'm ready, I wonder if he will?
Maybe I should propose to him?
"We're going to have a wonderful day today, Ana."
"Are we? What have you got in mind?"
"It's a surprise. We'll spend the morning with our baby girl and when it's time for Kristen to go down for her nap, I was thinking we could go out for just a bit. What do you think?"
"Kate is off today, Christian."
"That's ok, I've already made arrangements for my mom to watch her. Of course Mia will be here as well. Auntie Mia is so ready to spoil her little niece. What do you say?"
"It sounds lovely, let's do it."
"Great!"
After we spent the morning with our baby girl, we arranged for Grace and Mia to meet us at the park. They took Kristen from there and before they left, Christian rushed to Grace and whispered something in her ear. Grace smiled, hugged and kissed Christian, then the three of them were gone and we were alone, at last.
Christian returns with a huge smile on his face. He runs towards me, lifts me up without giving me a moment to think, and spins me around.
"Christian Grey, what are you up to? What did you say to Grace?" I giggle and kiss his cheek.
Christian sets me down, kisses my nose, and says, "I told her that she might have to keep Kristen overnight and to stop at Escala because Gail has already packed an overnight bag for our daughter."
"Oh? Where are you taking me? What are you up to?"
"All your questions will be answered in time. Just be patient and follow me," he states as he extends his hand.
We walk along a path that leads to what appears to be a secluded lake. The water is like glass, it's absolutely epic. Then I see it, a row boat.
"Care to go for a ride, Anastasia?"
"I'd love to," I reply as we make our way down towards the dock.
I smile as memories of Christian and me flood my brain. I remember how hot he looked in his uni and how much fun I had coxing him. I remember him asking, "Shall I cox you or will you cox me?"
It seems like a million years ago and yet it seems like it was only yesterday.
"Why are you smiling, Ana? What are you thinking?" Christian asks as he helps me into the row boat.
"I was just remembering us, back in Harvard. You asked if you wanted to cox or if I wanted to cox."
"Oh God, that was such a horrible thing to say to you but you had me, right from the start. I wanted you and I loved you from the first moment I saw you, only I didn't want to admit it."
"I think I loved you too, Christian, only I was with..."
"I know, it's ok, that's all in our past and this is the here and now and you and Kristen are my future," Christian states as he begins to row.
I close my eyes and feel the power of Christian's stroke, evoking memories of times not so long ago. I can picture us and all of our friends back at Harvard. We were so young, so naive, not knowing what we were capable of, thinking that everything was going to be wonderful and...
"Ana? What's wrong, baby? Are you ok?"
I open my eyes and feel the tears falling down my cheeks.
"Oh Christian, I'm sorry. I just got a little nostalgic. Thinking about us back at Harvard, we were so young and so in love and so blind. I thought everything was going to be wonderful and then you...you left and now we're here and..."
Christian sets down the oars, then quickly but carefully tugs me towards him. I straddle his lap, put my hands on his strong shoulders, and kiss him.
He backs away after our kiss and says, "Hey, that's over. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere, Ana. I love you and Kristen so very much. I had plans for us, Ana, before I knew about Kristen. We are still so very young but that doesn't change the fact that I love you and our baby girl."
"I love you, too, so much," I say as I contemplate asking him to marry me. I need that promise, I need that vow. I know Christian loves me but I still hurt. It still haunts me at night. I felt so alone when he left me.
Christian takes me by surprise and kisses me. It's a slow, sweet, and tender kiss. He pulls away from me but keeps his hands on the side of my face. He looks into my eyes. What's he doing? Contemplating? Trying to read my thoughts? I'm not sure, so I ask.
CPOV
Shit! It's still there. I can see it in her eyes, the pain of being abandoned, by me! I hate that I'm the one that caused her pain. I love Ana so very much. If anyone were to hurt her, I would destroy them yet I'm the one who's caused her the most pain.
I've heard that saying, "You always hurt the ones you love." I used to think that was such bullshit but now I know it's true. I won't let that happen ever again, not to my Ana or our daughter Kristen. I will love and protect them. Always.
"What is it Christian? Are you ok? Tell me, please."
I release Ana's face and say, "You know that feeling you get when you're on an 8-boat and everyone is in sync?"
Ana nods, "Yes, is that what you feel, or what you felt when you were rowing?"
"No, not exactly. This feeling is different. There are eight people who become one body, one mind and one spirit. Everyone is connected in such a way that everything else is dissipates. It's that feeling, it's that..."
"Swing," Ana says, completing my thought.
"Yes, Ana, that swing. I've never had that feeling in an 8-boat. Matter of fact, the moment I decided that I wanted to scull and left my stroke seat for single, I watched my replacement and the 8-boat that I let down catch their swing."
"Really? What was it like? You know, I mean to see it?"
Ana asks and I can tell she's really interested.
"Jesus, Ana, it was amazing. I mean the whole thing was playing out right in front of me. It was a thing of beauty. To see those men row in such a way, to be so connected, to become one. There are no words for what I saw."
I answer as I become fully aware of what I'm saying and how despondent I sound to have not been a part of that magical moment.
"It's not something that happens all the time, Christian. It's not something you can force."
"I know that, Ana, but it still doesn't make up for the fact that I couldn't do it. Those men opened up to one another in a way that I knew I couldn't. You have to open up your mind, heart and soul. You have to completely expose yourself."
"It's not an easy thing to do, Christian, in any facet of life."
"I know that, more so now than ever."
"I've been on a boat that had a swing, it only happened once, it was...like magic. We were all so connected. Before catching that swing, I had only heard stories of them and I know that they are few and far in between. I was grateful to be a part of at least one swing," Ana says as she caresses my cheek, trying to comfort me. God, I love this woman! I lean in to her touch that I so deeply crave and desperately need.
"That's the thing Ana, I was jealous and angry. Angry at myself for not being able to open up in such a way that I could be a part of that magic. It hurt me but at the same time, I knew I made the right decision to leave the 8-boat and scull a single. I'm a selfish person and I wanted to win and lose on my own."
"Christian, what's wrong with you? Don't you see? You're not a selfish person. You left for the good of the team, knowing that you couldn't open up in that way. Rather than penalize your team for your 'weakness' (Ana uses air quotes) you gave up on your part of the dream. You gave up your chance to ever get that swing."
My eyes widen as I come to that realization. She's right! How can I not have seen that?
"Don't you see? You were more a part of that team by making the difficult decision of leaving them and by allowing them to find that missing link, that one person who could make it come together for them."
"Jesus, Ana, I never realized that until now. I never thought about it like that. I guess I was so wrapped up in being all about 'me' that I never knew that my sacrifice was for the good of the team."
"I'm sorry, Christian, I'm so very sorry," Ana murmurs as she caresses my cheek.
"Why, Ana? You've helped me, you've made me realize I'm not the complete shit that I thought I was at the time. You bring out the best in me Ana. You always have."
"Christian, you've been through so much in your life, so much pain, so much sadness and yet you still manage to give people hope, hope in all the things that you do. You are sweet and kind and generous and everything good in life, only..."
"Only? Only what?"
"I'm sorry you never got to catch your swing. The one feeling, that feeling of euphoria, that feeling of being so high that everything else is non-existent. It's just you in a boat, with your crew, gliding across the water as though you're floating on air."
I take Ana's hand in mine and slowly caress it. I'm home when I'm with Ana, her touch reaches every part of my being. I know what a swing can feel like and say to Ana, "That feeling of being one body, one mind, one heart, one soul. It's like...I don't know, I can't quite put it into words, it's beyond any other feeling. It's inexplicable."
"Christian, I've caught a swing and I've not known or felt anything like what you're describing, not like that," Ana muses as she looks across the lake.
The water reflects against her face and I'm again taken aback by Ana's natural beauty.
"I have," I say matter-of-factly.
Ana turns to face me, her brow furrowed, looking confused.
"When you furrow your brow like that it forms a 'v' right here," I say as I touch the spot between her eyebrows. I lean forward and kiss that spot. "Mmmm...so soft and sweet, just like your entire body," I moan as I kiss her ear.
"Christian...please..."
"Please what, baby?"
"Stop. I'm confused. You said you never caught a swing, yet here you are describing it in detail. "Intimate detail, you make it sound so...what's the word I'm looking for?"
"Erotic?" I say as I attempt to complete her thought like she's done with me time and time again.
"Yes! Erotic! Hot and sexy as hell. Is that what it would feel like to you, Christian?"
"I don't know, Ana."
"Christian, you're talking in circles. Have you or have you not caught a swing?"
"No, I have not. Well, not in the rowing sense."
"Gah!" Ana shouts and face palms.
I can't help but smile, she's so adorable. My beautiful Ana, my Firecracker. She is my swing. I open myself to Ana, letting her in, she sees me for who I am and I have no fear.
"What?" I ask innocently.
"You! You drive me crazy!" Ana exclaims.
"I would like the opportunity to drive you crazy for the rest of our lives, that is, if you'll have me?" I ask as I take a little box out of my pocket. I open it slowly and see Ana's face light up.
"Christian!" Ana exclaims as she straddles me. "Oh Christian! Yes! Yes! Yes!"
A/N
I have one or two chapters left before I wrap this up. Thank you everyone, you have no idea how much I have enjoyed this experience.
Much love,
Rosie :D