Sadly, I don't own Artemis Fowl. Eoin Colfer does. Meaning, I also don't own Artemis Fowl the second :( If I did, I would keep him in my closet. He would be all mine. Mwahahah. Ok. Enjoy this wahtever it is. One-shot. Probably.
"Artemis, my son. We have to have a little... talk". Artemis Fowl ( the second) was currently in his father's studyroom. His father occupied the chair behind his desk. He looked rather uncomfortable and was looking at his son with a stern and serious expression.
But his eyes softened when he saw Artemis expression. When Artemis had been young, well younger, the only time he had to come to this room, was when there was something really urgent. His father had never really showed interest in him as human in that time. All he had been, was the person that had to take care of the family business when Artemis Fowl ( the first) was gone. And he had.
When his father disappaired, Artemis had been the one earning money. The way he had earned said money, wasn't exactly.. legal. Although it wasn't exactly illegal either.
After all, if any government or police or anything like that would hear how he had earned that money, all they would do was sent him to a psychiatrist. No one would believe he had actually earned gold by kidnapping a fairy. And on top of that, a fairy who was part of a society with high advanced technology. Technology that humans wouldn't have for centuries.
The only reason Artemis had believed the people existed, was because he had been twelve. And desperate. He had needed the money to search for his father. The same father that had been cold and businesslike before. The same father that had never truly treated him as a son, resulting in the cold and calculating inhuman boy he had been at the age of twelve.
And the same father that had changed so much when they had retrieved him. The father that was currently looking at him.
Artemis cleared his throat. " Yes father? What is that you feel you need to tell me? I'm listening". Artemis the first smiled, but it was a bitter smile. " Artemis. My son. You know there is no need to call me father anymore. You can call me dad. I have changed. I have realized how valuable you and your brothers are and hope for a healthy father-son relationship".
Artemis raised his eyebrows slightly. He still had to get used to this 'improved' version of his father. Before his disappearence , Artemis the first would never have allowed Artemis 2 to call him dad. He would have expected Artemis to appear in his best clothes. And he was.
He was in his best suit, his hair neatly combed. He hold his hands on his back, standing very much in the same position a soldier before his commander would be in. His father sighed when he saw that. " Artemis. Please sit down. And I'm serious, please call me dad".
Artemis sat down, crossing his legs. " There is no need whatsoever to call you dad, father. That isn't like me at all. I believe I prefer father" Artemis said.
His father smiled. " If you feel more comfortable that way, I won't force you. But Artemis, I hope things between us can change. I know I'm late , maybe too late with this, but I want to be a real father. I want you to know you can always count on you. And I hope you realize I love you, just like I love your brothers and mother".
Artemis actually was speechless for a short moment. Before he went missing, his father had never said anything like that. The only things he had said, had been about the family business. About what he expected Artemis to become. He had never showed any signs that he actually cared for his son.
Artemis smiled. " Thank you father. I appreciate that". His father chuckled. " Artemis, please. It is only normal for a father to love his child. You're acting like it is a privilige".
Artemis smiled back. " In a way, it is father. You never uttered those words before. I never expected you would". "Well, I mean them. I love all of you and I feel guilty about what I have done to you. But that isn't what I wanted to talk about". " What is it you wanted to talk about father?" Artemis asked, for now blissfully ignorant to what he was about to talk about.
His father looked away for a short time, looking very uncomfortable again. When he looked at Artemis again, he looked very uncomfortable. "Artemis. You have reached the age that we need to have a certain talk. And seeing it is the job of the father to indulge in this certain subject, I am here".
Artemis paled, having an idea of where this was about. " Father, it really isn't necessary to-" he tried, determined to stop this conversation. He really didn't want to have this conversation. Especially not with his father. Although there were persons that he would never want to talk to about this. Like a certain redhaired elf. Artemis shuddered if he thought about that. That would be even worse than this.
He looked at his father again, who looked determined. Artemis prayed he wouldn't continue, but the gods apparently decided they had saved his life often enough and just wanted to enjoy the show. So Artemis had to stay and engage in the worst conversation of his life.
His father seemed equally uncomfortable to have this conversation, making Artemis wonder why on earth he would do this. " You see Arty. When a man and a woman- Ehhm- Like each other, certain things can happen. It's just biology really and-".
" I know how it works father" Artemis interrupted, not willing to define the it. His father looked at him. " I already expected you would have read about it, but we still have to have this conversation. Every father does this. Besides, you can't learn everything from books Artemis. Some things, you can only learn from doing it".
Artemis flinched. That was a poor choice of words. And he was horrified when he thought about what his father meant. He couldn't mean, could he? Artemis looked at his father. " Father. Do you mean you want to give me tips or something?" he asked, horrified by the idea.
His father, looking more uncomfortable with every passing minute, nodded. " I do. You have to know some things Artemis. You have to know some things before .. it happens".
The next hour, was the longest, worst, most disgusting hour of Artemis' life. His father explained a lot of things, things that would be buried in Artemis' mind forever. That would haunt him. Maybe even give him nightmares. Sometimes, having a perfect memory sucked.
Artemis had one of hands closed tightly, hoping no one would try to decipher why. He walked towards the stairs, determined to look himself in his room for the rest of the day. He might even ask Foaly for a mind wipe. He really didn't want to remember that conversation. Ever.
Unfortunately, he bumped into his mother before he could reach the safety of his room. His mother smiled broadly. " Arty! How great to see you. You know, I wanted to talk to you". Artemis froze, praying his mother wasn't referring to what he thought she was. Was she going to put him in the same torture his father had?
" R-really mother? What is it?" he managed. His mother laughed. " Calm down Arty. I'm not going to kill you. I just wanted to ask how the conversation with your father went". " Y-you knew about it?".
His mother shrugged. " I was the one who came up with it. I thought you needed to know a little bit more. Maybe you will find a nice girl soon and-". " My apologies mother, I have to go. Goodbye".
Before his mother could say anything more, and probably give him more nightmares about it, he practically ran to his room.
Panting, he lay down on his bed. And, after making sure no one could come in, looked at the thing in his hand. The horrid thing called.. condom.