I don't own Artemis Fowl, which breaks my heart.. I don't own any of them :( *sigh*. Well, at least I have this. Enjoy!
The rules- The only rules that count, because her majesty Opal decided these would be the rules
Rule one- Bow before her majesty, world empress Opal.
Punishment when you don't; you're spine will be broken, so you will have to bow. No exceptions.
Rule two- Don't ever look into her majesty's eyes. This is vey bad for her skin. And she doesn't want to be affected by the simplicity clear in your eyes.
Punishment; Her majesty will kindly assure your sight will be taken away forever. Maybe by stitching your eyes closed.
Rule three- Don't fart anywhere near her majesty. It's disgusting.
Punishment; You will have to clean toilets for the rest of your miserable, worthless life. With your toothbrush.
Rule four- Don't think too loudly, anywhere near her majesty. Better yet, don't think at all. Unless she says you have to think, then think.
Punishment; She will personally harvest your brain. Not that she will use the fluid, since the you are too stupid to be of any value.
Rule five- Don't touch her food when you are preparing it. She doesn't need your filthy bacteria to infiltrate her food.
Punishment; She will bring you to a doctor to assure your taste buds will be deleted.
Rule six- Do not use foul language near her. It hurts her perfect ears.
Punishment; You will have get classes to learn to talk properly, using electricity to improve your learning process.
Rule seven- Always compliment her majesty on her clothes and appearance. Just don't ever expect she will be grateful for this or actually say something back.
Punishment; You will be locked in a cage together with a red river hog.
Do remember these rules change all the time and new rules are added. The punishment can be changed too, according to what her majesty decids.
A word of advice; don't anger her. Unless you're even crazier than her. And never call her crazy or paranoid. She might be able to read your thoughts.
The thought behind these rules is that miss Koboi, future world empress, is perfect. She never makes mistakes, other though and ruin everything. She isn't crazy, other are and just don't recognize her potential. She is the most beautiful and absolutely not captain Short. Holly Short is nothing compared to her majesty.
One more thing; good luck. You will need it when dealing with her majesty.