Interlude (6.5)

Reminiscence

I lay on the bed of an unfamiliar room, after having Triton giving me a Funeral Parlor uniform, a pair of pants and a long-sleeve white shirt. I put on the later set of clothes to sleep, but I've been lying on bed being once again unable to find rest.

It is no wonder, though. I would be abnormal if I were able to snooze off casually after going through everything I've experienced today. Yesterday night I was calmly drifting inside my mind, thinking about my past, wondering if I'd even be able to find a song fitting for Souta's video.

Hours later, I found myself suddenly protecting a girl I had never seen before, and I even went as far as putting my own life at risk for her sake. Things got out of hand afterwards – I gave Hare the scare of her life, probably staining our friendship forever. And then I killed again… though it was collateral damage done by the GQH attempting to catch me, the truth is I was the reason why perhaps even hundreds of people died today.

For sure, I'll be in the news tomorrow all over Japan. Hare will know I have become an outlaw, and word will reach Haruka as well in no time. No – I am certain Haruka already knows about all of this… they must've called her after I was gone, telling her that her son had involved himself with a terrorist organization.

She must be worried sick about me, and extremely disappointed as well. She had always taught me to follow the rules and behave properly, especially since she is with Sephirah Genomics within the GHQ. How did she react when she knew her only son was seen with a group opposing her work? How does she feel right now? Is she as sleepless as I am, crawling in bed as she's deep in thought? Have I made her cry?

I don't know how I'll dare to show my face to her again. The same stands for everyone else I know… this will be a hell of a scandal. Ouma Shu, the quiet guy at school, suddenly seen with the group that blew up the entrances to the underground streets of Tokyo. The GHQ will never admit having done so themselves – they covered up the gunfight by their headquarters, so they'll most definitely blame the whole fight on us after such a large-scale incident happening throughout the city.

It would be accurate to say Ouma Shu died today, and was reborn as Shu of the Funeral Parlor. In in the same way that Triton died ten years ago and was reborn as Tsutsugami Gai… today I have stepped into the path of no return of an entirely new life.

My feelings are in a troubled state. On one hand, I have Triton and Inori, whom I have found today in what will likely grow to be my new family. On the other hand, however, I have Haruka and Hare plus the quasi-friends I left behind, Souta and Yahiro. I do not care very much about the latter two, but for the former… it pains me greatly to leave either of them behind. If I could be greedy, I'd like to keep them even after joining the Parlor.

But that would be asking for too much, wouldn't it? I don't even know how they feel about me now that this has happened. My desire to see them again may be one-sided, especially with Hare, who witnessed the ugly business I got involved in with her own eyes. I still have her uniform, too. She'll know I stepped over her trust, and went as far as rummaging through her things to aid someone I randomly met that very day.

Is there any way I'd be forgiven? I don't know… I am uncertain if I even want to be forgiven. Among the many sinners in the world, I am one of the worst. I have been fucked up ever since I killed Mana inside the church... perhaps this unshakeable sense of guilt is God's punishment to me for having sinned the way I did.

But what else could I have done? I only wanted to get her away from him; I never meant to go as far as killing her…

I feel as if there were a knot tied inside my throat. My feelings are flaying me, delivering to me the torment I deserve for trampling upon everyone. Why is it that whenever I try to save someone, I cause someone else's death? It was like that with Triton, and it was the same with Inori today. I don't understand; why can't I protect them without causing pain to anyone else? Why can't I be the one to die instead of the innocent?

Thinking about this has led me to consider suicide before… but that'd only be running away from the responsibility of my actions. I cannot allow myself to be a coward, or else I'd be unable to face Mana in the afterlife. What would you do in my place, sister? If you were still here, would you be proud of me? Would you forgive me for all I've done?

Perhaps I should've let you kill Triton that day, Mana. His life was yours to begin with… it was you who saved him from death when we found him drifting ashore in the beach. It was you who drew the water out of his lungs, and gave him a second chance to live. It was also you who gave him his name - Triton, as the messenger of the big sea.

What I have always been wondering is, why were you trying to end a life you had kept from being extinguished before? Did you want to keep your secret that badly? Or were you jealous of him because he and I got along so well?

I remember how the three of us played together every day after meeting him. Even Father and Haruka wanted to adopt him into our family – when they told us that, we started to see him as our real brother as well… or at least that's how I felt.

I think things got strange after that conversation we had, you and I… where you asked me if I'd be lonely if you got married. I was confused at first, as of why you brought that up. You told me Triton had seen you with adult eyes… leering eyes, and you found that gross. I didn't know what to say. However, your words finished me off.

'But you can see me with adult eyes, Shu.'

Just what did you mean with that? You kissed me afterwards… saying you loved me… asking me to be your future husband. What the hell, Mana? You were my sister… there's no way I would've seen you like that.

Though I turned you down… you said I'd be yours either way. Was that why you attacked him, Mana? Was the secret Triton learned about you related to this? I still don't know why things went so wrong. He asked me to meet him at the church, so I went… but I didn't expect to find you there as well… much less on top of him, choking his neck against the floor.

I screamed to you, asking you to stop. You replied it'd be over soon, that no one would be in our way anymore. Before I knew it, I pushed you away as strongly as I could, using all my weight on you as I ran. I had no idea there were stairs heading down right behind you. The fall killed you, Mana. I made you die – the hands that threw you off were none other than my own. As I rushed to you afterwards, praying you were alright, I nearly fell down as well – not because I lost my balance, but because of what I saw.

Your body was shattered. You… turned to dust. Haruka told me time and again that the shock of seeing you fall had made me imagine many things… but I am certain Triton knows what really happened to you back then. The fact he refuses to tell me is enough to convince me I am right… what he wanted to tell me had to do with your cause of death.

My eyes are burning. I'm crying now… it is always painful when I remember about all of this. But I will not back down, Mana, I will shoulder the weight of having ended your life and, someday, I will know what truly happened that day. I will uncover the truth, Mana… mark my words. Together with Triton, I'll protect everyone I hold dear – I'll remake my life, forever bearing the shackles of guilt that bind me to you.

If I do this… will you be proud of me, sister? Will you forgive me?