Chapter 14
--Star Festival—
Jamie and I had been talking on his couch for about an hour and a half now, he was surprisingly a good listener, unlike a lot of other people. So, after I'd explained my slow social life back home, I finally asked if we could get along and work together to save the Goddess, he paused for a while, and I started counting the silent seconds in my head. 45…46…47…- "…Okay," he said and tried to smirk, but the ice on his head and jaw wouldn't budge. He groaned, "Can I please take these stupid bags of ice off of my face?!" he asked. I laughed and took the bags off for him. "So, about the star festival," I said, changing the subject un-knowingly as I washed off the blood from the bags, "Isn't it tomorrow?" I continued nervously. I didn't notice until I'd spoken, but this sort of sounded like I wanted to go with him. I pondered with that idea, not sure if it was a positive or a negative. When I looked back at him he was staring out the window, and his eyes looked unfocused. "I have to take care of my farm now," he said, and then shifted his head to me. The misty glare hit me and I felt uncomfortable, an awkward feeling had overcome me. It took m a minute to discover this feeling was hurt, and most importantly rejection… which then turned to hurt again. I clenched my jaw and forced myself to think, 'Of course, why would he even want to come with me? Anyways, it's not like I wanted to go with him… It wasn't even an invitation! What makes him think I'd even imagine going on a date with him?' But, I still felt that weird gravitational pull to him, and I knew what I was thinking wasn't entirely true. I didn't know what was true and what wasn't. I was…. Confused. So, I turned my back on him. My eyes didn't see anything as I walked out the door. Then the unthinkable question I knew I was forcing into the back of my head finally escaped. Could I actually love Jamie?!
--Jamie's Thoughts—
I was happy— or happier— before she came into my life. And somehow, in some way I couldn't help, she became the center of my life. And then I became happier than I had ever been in my entire existence. Before her I hated humans in general. I hated myself for being human. Humans made mistakes; I made mistakes. I didn't want to be human; I didn't want to do what humans did. That was the core reason I scared everyone off, I shunned everyone who tried to help me. No one could hurt me if no one could break the barrier I put around me. I didn't want people to break that barrier... Or so I thought. I knew I was afraid of being hurt, afraid to make mistakes. That's when Jasminecame to town… with her innocent looking pigtails and ignorant mind. She annoyed me. I wanted to scare her so bad, that every time she walked my way it would give her hell. She came looking for help, and I scared her off like everyone else. But, when I saw that shocked, scared expression it… it hurt me. It made me feel like a bad person. I hated that feeling. I hated her for making me feel that way. She was nothing. She wasn't important. Those are the things I forced myself to think. She had possibly cracked my barrier, and made me feel guilty. I knew I was pushing something into the back of my mind… Even more than that! I was locking it in an underground chamber never to be thought of again. But she was persistent. She would bring me jam; she would try to break my barrier. I'd keep trying to scare her off, but she'd keep running back. She swore that she'd get to me some day. And I knew it was probably true. She kept running through my red light. I tried to be strong, but I realized I was being a fool. Then she broke it. She broke the barrier. And I was her friend now; which I realized wasn't too bad. So I had a friend, big deal. She could help me. I could help her. This was a good thing. I could trust her with certain things as a friend, she was a good person. But this was more than that. That unthinkable thought I'd covered up in my head was starting to escape. My barrier wasn't strong enough for this… this feeling. I'd fight it as much as I could, because it was stupid. Stupid to think these thoughts; yet I kept thinking. I kept imagining. But, I couldn't… I mustn't… I can't love her! But I did. I knew I did, and I knew there was no way of getting around it. I'd known it ever since I'd first seen her. But I couldn't love her, because… she didn't love me. So, I hid my feelings. Just like I always had, and it would be easy. I'd keep hiding my emotions by insulting her, and she'd laugh along. And maybe, someday, I'd forget about how perfect she was for me, and how I needed her and how I knew I was completely and utterly in love with her; Because this scared me. Because, if I gave her my breakable, injured heart, she could shatter it. Shatter it in a billion pieces. I didn't like this. I didn't like thinking of myself being breakable. Especially to someone else. It was also because I wasn't good enough for her. She had a pure, kind heart. I had a beaten up, evil heart. I was consumed with anger. I wasn't good enough for her. So, I'd decided. I would never tell her. Never.