A/N- Thanks everyone for the awesome reviews. Thank you also to MirandaRiver for being a great beta!! I am using italics to represent Spock's memories. It was brought to my attention that it would make it easier to follow, I hope it works! Hope you guys enjoy this, please review and let me know what you think!
Chapter Six
The dark thoughts of the time he thought he had lost Nyota did little to help him sleep. He opened his eyes and looked up at the shadows on the metal ceiling, pulling the blanket up to his bare chest. The fever made the cool ship air feel nearly intolerable against his damp and hot skin. The few hours that he actually dosed, were full of images of things he wished could be forgotten. He watched himself choke Williams. The dream then shifted to his mother falling from the cliff's ledge on Vulcan, his arm was as always, held out desperately trying to catch her; but pulling nothing but air. Her dark eyes that were so much like his own haunt him as he watched her fall. He had failed her and his planet. So many innocent people died because of him. Just like the forty eight passengers that had died on the crash. When would his actions stop hurting the ones he cared about most. Even now as he sat there in his quarters he knew he was hurting Nyota. If he went through with his plan and slipped away to Vulcan II and never returned; he would hurt her even more. What was even worse was the fact that he had broken his promise.
Spock groaned in frustration and turned over in his bed to switch which side he laid on. Now it seemed his set course of action was not looking too promising. If only he could think clearly. The fever was hindering his cognitive skills and made him think irrationally. He could not trust his own judgment. That was beyond a doubt the worst part of Pon Farr, he decided. His thoughts of his illogical actions brought his memory back to his time at the academy with Nyota. When a promise was made a month after the transporter accident…
Spock looked at his computations for a few moments, feeling that finally he was making progress. The fusion he was trying to make work was indeed fruitless as Nyota had pointed out many months before. The Enterprise would be ready within months for trial runs and he needed to finish the warp drive efficiency improvements quickly. The model that displayed on his computer screen was something made of an entirely new material that would be added to the warp core.
Spock's apartment door chimed unexpectedly and interrupted his analysis of the model. He raised himself from his computer to answer it. To his surprise, Nyota was there. She was back in her red skirt uniform that he was accustomed to seeing her in during the week. She looked a little tired and bruised but in sufficient condition other wise. Especially when Spock considered the fact that she was in a transport crash only a month before. He stood back to let Nyota come in. She quickly walked inside, her expression was rigid. It was not long before Nyota turned to face Spock. He prepared for her imminent scolding.
"I know you have been avoiding me since I came back, and I almost decided not to even bother coming here. However I have been made aware of some things that we need to discuss." Nyota said in a calm tone, but her eyes were full of fury.
Spock nodded in recognition but said nothing in reply. His face still set in perfect calm and Vulcan resolve.
"I heard about what happened and Commander Williams was behind it," Nyota said when Spock did not reply.
"Yes, he has been scheduled for trial on forty-eight counts of murder and two attempted murder charges."
"I know, you are supposed to appear as well. How are you involved with all this?"
"I was the one who collected and analyzed the evidence in the case," Spock answered still giving nothing away by his tone or expression.
"You were never going to tell me where you? You were going to keep it to your self that this maniac tried to kill you, twice!" Nyota replied heatedly, her tone sliced with pure anger.
Spock took a deep breath. He had not been prepared for Nyota to know the truth. That was part of the reason for his avoidance of her of late.
"I did not think that it was of importance. The fact remains that he will face justice for his crime."
"It's important to me! Spock, you must know by now how I feel about you. Despite the fact that you don't reciprocate those feelings; I thought that at least we were friends enough for you to be honest with me!" Nyota said her voice fell into a weak sob.
Spock couldn't bear to watch Nyota's tears fall because of him. He believed that he was doing the right thing, but as he saw the hurt he had caused he was no longer sure. He knew as he watched her come emotionally unhinged before him that an explanation must be given.
"Nyota, believe me when I say that your assumption that I do not reciprocate your feelings, is in error." Spock replied as he moved closer to Nyota. His hand flinched slightly as he almost reached out to touch her, but then thought better of it. It took all that he had to say those words. It went against all that his Vulcan upbringing had taught him. To admit to feelings was as foreign to him as the cold winters that he had witnessed on this planet.
"You were right Spock. This is one of those times we do not understand each other isn't it? To my human eyes you have not been treating me like someone you care for. In fact, it seems that if I would have died on that transport you wouldn't have been affected at all," Nyota said quickly as she tried to calm her sobs to speak more clearly.
Spock's eyes widened slightly. Her words wounded him more than if she had slapped him. He tried to find a reply that would correct this horrifying situation.
"I'm sorry, that was unfair of me. My emotional outburst must seem so ridiculous to you. I have just been so scared for you since I heard about what happened. Then when you wouldn't see or even speak to me when I got back…it hurt Spock," Nyota said more calmly as she wiped her tears form her face. She turned to leave his apartment since she told him what she had come to say. Nyota wanted to save what little dignity she had left.
Spock reached out and grabbed her hand and pulled her close to him. He could not let her think these things of him.
"It was never my intention to hurt you in this manner. You were correct that two attempts have been made on my life. They were not the first since I have joined Star Fleet. By keeping you from my company I was attempting to protect you. When I thought you had been killed on that transport…" Spock could not finish his sentence. The raw emotions of grief for Nyota and hatred for Williams threatened to resurface from its deep restraints.
Nyota looked at him with expectancy in her moist eyes. He knew he was going to have to say what she desperately needed to hear. He swallowed and then decided to continue.
"I lost my self to my anger and grief. I almost…Killed Williams out of revenge for taking you from me. I was choking the life from him when security and Captain Pike arrived. If they had not come it would have been me on trial for murder. I am not proud of what I had done. That is why I did not tell you about Williams' attempt to kill me," Spock finished, his voice was deep from attempting to hide the emotion from his tone. He had never bared his soul so completely, not even to his mother. He felt vulnerable and unnaturally human.
Nyota's looked at Spock for a moment, her eyes softened as she took in his words. She pulled him into a hug, which he warmly accepted.
"Promise me you will never shut me out like this again. I can make up my own mind when I need to be protected. And as for what happened with Williams, we all lose control sometimes. I would never think less of you."
Spock sighed and began to brush her hair with his hand in the way that had become familiar between them.
"I promise."
"Mr. Spock, if you're able, I need you." Kirk sent through the comm and interrupted Spock's incoherent thoughts and memories.
He got up off the bed and unsteadily made it to the comm, and pressed the button to respond.
"What is it Captain?" Spock asked with as much of a neutral tone as he could muster.
"We are getting some strange readings from a phenomenon ahead."
This sounded like a normal day on the bridge to Spock, there had to be something else.
"Is it possible to transfer the information you have accumulated to my quarters?" Spock asked.
"Negative Mr. Spock; I want you on the bridge for this."
"Understood captain. I am on my way, Spock out."
Spock ran some warm water over his face and neck. He took long deep breaths to center his thoughts and emotions. He put on his uniform and his boots and began to feel slightly more in control. With renewed concentration, he left for the bridge. Spock almost resented the fact that there was nothing like Jim playing the 'I need you', angle to get him thinking a more like a commander. Spock knew that it was this kind of ability that Jim possessed, that made him a formidable opponent in chess. Spock did not want to show himself on the bridge but knew he had no choice. The crew trusted him to be there when he was needed. His word and honor would be tarnished if he abandoned them now. The blood fever would not control him. Spock chanted this to him self all through the corridors and up the turbo lift to the bridge.
The bridge was buzzing with activity and to Spock's relief no one stared or made any comment when he entered from the turbo lift. He knew he did not look like the calm first officer that the crew was familiar with, however he would do what he could. The sounds of the computers and scanners were soothing, and it reminded him how much he missed being on the bridge over the past few days. This is where he was useful, considered one of the best in his field. Neither his mother's blood nor his Vulcan blood mattered, only his performance. Because of this, the Enterprise became a comfort to him and the bridge a place for him to grow.
Spock nodded to Jim who grinned in acknowledgment from the command chair that his first officer was reporting for duty. Fortuitously, Nyota was too busy translating a code that was being transmitted somewhere nearby and did not even look in his direction. Spock only glanced at his Nyota and wished he hadn't. All of the control he had conjured over the past half hour almost left him in an instant. Her lovely chocolate skin and her thin athletic body called to his fevered body mercilessly. Nyota's scent of Jasmine and feminine pheromones cruelly hit his nostrils. His blood began to race and he could feel his temperature raising even higher, the blood fever demanded its payment. Spock quickly made his way past her and with more strength than he thought he possessed, he gathered his coherency again.
Once the Science officer was at his station he looked over the scans of the anomaly that was in front of the ships path. From what the scans read, it was nothing more than a cloud of gases that was normally encountered in deep space. Spock's first thought was a star was possibly about to form. He took a closer look at the view screen and something seemed out of place. He could not identify it, but something in the back of his mind made him weary to trust his scans.
"Well, what do you recommend Mr. Spock?" Jim asked in his briskly tone he adopted on the bridge.
"I believe we should use caution and remain clear of the anomaly until I can recalibrate my scans to probe for further analysis," Spock answered as he stood up from his station and put his hands behind his back. His hands shook slightly but he showed no other signs of his illness.
"It is ordered Mr. Spock. I do not need to remind you of our time constraints. Make it quick," Jim replied.
"Aye sir," Spock replied and set to work recalibrating the scanners.
Nyota walked over and gave the captain her report on the codes she had translated. On her way back to her station she looked in Spock's direction. He looked her in the eyes for a moment. Her face was set in her professional manner but her eyes were brimming with things she wanted to say and do, but couldn't. He looked down and then put his attention back to his work. He subconsciously tilted his head slightly as a thought occurred to him.
"Captain, may I see those codes?"
Without a word Jim handed Spock the report. He looked them over translating as he went. The truth opened up to him as he finished his analysis.
"Captain, the anomaly is a mined barrier and these codes are the detonators. If we were to go inside the anomaly, the ship would be destroyed. Someone is trying to isolate Vulcan II." Spock reported as he handed Jim back the codes.