Chapter One

Happy 40th, Minerva

Nobody saw Luna Lovegood shove Draco Malfoy up against a wall on the seventh floor, and Draco was quite happy for it to stay that way. He kissed her back swiftly, and then scooped her up into his arms bridal style, the way she liked it, and scanned the hall for the nearest door to a deserted classroom. It wasn't the first time they'd done this, and he was more than willing to bet that it wouldn't be the last. But really, in a public place? If they weren't in a judgmental, rumor-spreading place like Hogwarts, he wouldn't have minded as much.

Before his startled eyes, a door appeared halfway down the hall and he kicked himself mentally for not remembering. Idiot, Draco. The Room of Requirement. He'd practically lived there last year. He took off running, because Lovegood was breathing down his neck and toying with his collar in an incredibly distracting way, and they needed to get a room fast.

She giggled into his neck as the wind rushed past her face, and he tried to remind himself that it didn't really matter who she was, or how obnoxious she could get, but that he was only in this because she had a smoking hot body.

He shoved the door open with his shoulder, eager to get inside… and stopped dead at what he saw.

Instead of the nice romantic room he was expecting, he appeared to have interrupted a very inebriated staff meeting. Upon further inspection, he realized that the topic of conversation was more along the lines of what the staff had or had not ever done. Completely bewildered, he stood there in the doorway with a dumb look of shock on his face for a moment before realizing that he was still holding Luna and staring at the back of a slightly giddy Severus Snape. He put Luna down and motioned to here to follow him behind a cabinet. After explaining to her three times what he wanted her to do, they settled in to eavesdrop on the game of Never Have I Ever.

Professor Dumbledore looked at the little group mildly, glanced swiftly at the cabinet as if he knew that Draco and Luna were there – which was, of course, impossible, because Dumbledore didn't have x-ray vision – and said, "Never have I ever had a sexual dream about a student."

Draco's jaw dropped. Snape, Trelawny and Flitwick all put fingers down.

McGonagall snorted into her shot glass. "Really, Filius? Do tell."

Tiny Professor Flitwick looked nervous for a second, and then drunkenly mumbled "Hermillany Gransssshur."

"Excuse me?" Snape said, his eyes flashing dark. McGonagall took another shot, looking positively plastered and quite amused. Dumbledore looked at the ceiling pleasantly.

Flitwick hiccupped. "Hermillany. Don't tell me you haven't, Seeeverush. I've shen the shway you look at hmerr."

Snape looked down at the bottle he was holding, apparently surprised to find it empty. "Issnoter," he mumbled.

"What was that?" Professor Sprout said loudly. "I'm sorry, Severus, I'm afraid I didn't quite catch that."

"ISSNOTER!" he positively shrieked. Half the staff jumped and splashed firewhisky down their robes. The other half took long, deep drinks because they knew they would rather be drunk when they heard the news.

"Whooshit, then?" McGonagall said. "She'sh only ever widd Potty and the Weashel."

"That's not a very nice thing to call Harry and Ron," Luna said indignantly.

Draco stuffed his fist into his mouth so that he wouldn't laugh aloud. Distracted, his companion looked around the cabinet in bemusement, trailing her fingers over a whole row of shot glasses. There was no question as to where the teachers had gotten them.

Severus started to cry. "Ish the Weashel!" he sobbed. "Hish hair, sho fine and sho red shat he miggt ash well be on fiiiiiiire. Sho pretty. Want to chouchshit."

Draco might be about to wet himself with laughter. One of his ribs surely must have cracked from holding it all in.

"And you, Sybill?" Dumbledore asked lightly, as if he were discussing a dinner order and not a wet dream.

"Ooh," Luna said. Draco shushed her, and she looked at him, wide-eyed, her face half illuminated by a sliver of light that came to them around the back of the cabinet. "Sorry," she whispered. "But I bet it's Harry. She's quite fond of him, you know. Always talks about him after class. Sometimes, I think she's staring at his backside when he goes downstairs. Bit odd, really. I mean, she is a teacher and all, but…" She stopped talking when Professor Trelawny started.

She drew her shawl around her shoulders imperiously. "It is not for me to say what the Inner Eye has revealed to me," she said grandly. Then she pressed her hand to her mouth like she was about to be sick. She looked a little green as she clutched her bottle of cooking sherry.

Oh, what a laugh.

"I shink itsh your turn, Poppy," McGonagall slurred to Madam Pomfrey.

She looked coyly at Madame Pince. "Never have I ever lusshted after Argussh Filtchish." To general astonishment, McGonagall dropped a finger too, for the first time.

"Really Minerva? He'sh notsh really shuur type," said Madame Pince possessively, "nor are shu hish."

"But he hash… a cat," she lingered on the last word as if it was a jewel.

"It's true," Luna murmured dreamily. "Mrs. Norris is quite lovely, you know. She always lets me pet her when I give her raw beef. It's quite sweet."

She had to shut up when a pale hand snaked up over her mouth and pressed her lips together, hard.

Dumbledore coughed quietly.

"Don't worry Albuushh," she said reassuringly, "it'sh jusht a shide hobby."

Dumbledore looked at her with an air of careless confusion, then decided that it wasn't really important and went back to babbling to himself about teacups.

Professor Sprout adjusted her patchy hat and looked around the suddenly silent circle with a cold, calculating look that Draco had never seen in her beady little eyes. "Never haff I ever screwed Wheeemus Lupin in my patch of Devilsh Shnare!" she hissed venomously.

Draco clamped his hand harder over Luna's mouth; she looked like she was about to shriek out something inconvenient.

All eyes turned to Snape, who sighed, blushed, and put down his final finger. "Fuck shoe, Poomona," he mumbled.

"Shnot my fault that you're dummm enuff to do it there," she said defensively. "WhawashI shpossed to do when I found shoe there? Really, Shev. It'sh all yo fault."

"I feel as if we're all missing out on something," Dumbledore said to the rest of the staff, his eyes dancing merrily behind their half-moon glasses.

"It wash only that one time…" Snape said. He looked down at his empty bottle again. "I wash young, ya know?"

"Young?" Sprout shrieked. "Shev, thish was two monsh ago. Unlesh you took a sherious ashing possson, I don't fink fings have changed that smuch."

Severus paled. "Two monsh ago?"

Sprout's eyes flashed. "You mean this hash happened more than once!?" she screamed. "You bashtard, you! That's not healshy for the plants! Albuss, help me out on thish one!"

Professor Dumbledore took a deep sip of dark, red wine. "I think that Severus may have something he needs to tell us."

"I'm gay!" Snape whined. He started crying again, and McGonagall went over to him to wrap an arm around his shoulders. "Sho shorry. I shoulda told ya all earlier. But I shot that maybe you'd all hate me for thissss… Me and Weeemush."

"Since when?" Dumbledore asked politely.

"Sixsh – hic – year," Snape blubbered.

"Well." McGonagall pursed her lips. "I guess this means that you have qualms about kissing me, then?"

Snape's head jerked up. "Whaaaa –?"

Professor Vector cleared his throat loudly. "Minewva ith the thpethial giwl tonight. We agweed, didn't we Thevewuth, that whoever lotht the game would have to kith her? It'th not every night the thelebwateth her fowtieth yeaw of teathing."

"Fuck."

"Language, 'Thevewuth,'" McGonagall said, amused. "Just kiss me and get it over with."

"Right," Trelawny said slyly. "Sh-hic-e's not happ-hic-y eith-hic-er, ishe? Be-hic-caush you're not Argu-hic-sh."

McGonagall shot her a death glare, and Trelawny actually yelped and splashed sherry down her front.

Malfoy decided that now would be a good time to leave. A verygood time. He grabbed Luna by the wrist and pulled her out of the cabinet. He lay flat on the floor and slithered towards the door, with Luna close behind. When Draco looked up for a moment, he saw that the teachers were now playing Spin the Bottle with Trelawney's empty cooking sherry bottle.

Having sucessfully exited the room without being discovered, Draco stood up in the corridor and reached down to help Luna.

"Ginny will like this," Luna said when she was standing. "I'm gonna go tell her and all the Gryfffindors to come here." Draco nodded and made to move away. " You can tell the Slytherins too," she added matter-of-factly.

Draco paused for a moment to think about whether he should. Then he decided it was definetly something to see. Who cared if they got in trouble for it? With that he headed one way to the Slytherin common room and Luna went another way to Gryffindor. He only paused to think for a moment how strange it was she wouldn't go off to Ravenclaw.

***

The corridors of Hogwarts near the Slytherin and Gryffindor dormitories became chaos. Students rushed here, there to find their friends; rumors flew; someone claimed very seriously that Severus Snape was currently in the greenhouses with Harry Potter tied up in Devil's Snare, shagging him; no one really knew what was going on except for a select group of very amused people. Together, grinning too widely for anyone to be comfortable, they marched in the direction of the room that no one else knew how to find.

***

Dumbledore spun the bottle, grinning cheerfully, and it rolled to point to Flitwick. He chuckled to himself as his drunken staff roared with mirth. Flitwick stood shakily and fluttered his eyelashes at Dumbledore, who pretended to blush. They leaned toward each other across the circle and Albus pecked Filius affectionately on the cheek.

The door banged open and twenty odd students – most of them notorious seventh years of the type that gave the teachers nightmares – stood in the doorway, frozen with shock. Dumbledore actually giggledand then snogged Flitwick full on the lips.

Harry Potter stood cockily in front of the group, sniggering to himself. "Hello," he quipped. "Mind if we join in?"

If you liked it, we won't complain at all if you review or favorite or subscribe. In fact, it would make us shubliminally happppppppppy and we jusht shmight shober up enouffff to shtoptalkin like drunk peepppole. New chapppie to come shoon, we 'ope. Hic.