Ranger24: This one will be weird on all ends. Which is why it's based off the abridged version of this episode. Enjoy the total random stupidity.
Chapter 5: Not love.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
The sun was setting in a small town a young woman was running down some cemente steps. She had short black hair and was wearing… High heels. On stairs? Running? What an R-tard.
"Damnit dad's going to be pissed if I'm late again." She muttered.
Suddenly, but not surprisingly, she tripped.
"OW! OW! ANKLE!" She shouted clutching at her sprained ankle.
"Hey you okay babe?" Said a voice as and hand picked up her fallen shoe. She looked up to see a African American guy with glass and dressed all in cyan. She blushed slightly as he bent down next to her.
"You okay?" He asked.
"Sprained my ankle." She muttered. He placed his hand over it and it glowed. Instantly the pain vanished from her leg.
"Wow thanks," She said rubbing her ankle. At that moment a little blue and Cyan creature ran up the guys back.
"What the heck is that?" She asked staring at it. The guy rubbed his neck.
"Your probably not going to believe this but its my kid." He replied.
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Back at Fanfiction May Cry Ranger was as usual sitting behind his desk, bored, reading a magazine, and broke. The money he'd gotten from Ace's job which had been almost a week ago only covered him for about a week and now he was nearly bone dry on cash. Everyone was feeling the hurt of Ranger's beginning to fail business.
Lilo was trying to get the old TV that hadn't even flickered for three days to work.
"Oh come on you stupid thing! I'm missing the primer of the newest episode of Zork and Pals!" Lilo shouted while Stitch came out of a corner wearing his Zork and Pals T-shirt.
"Stitch need Zork and Pals!" Stitch groaned. Ranger turned the page of his magazine.
"Real shame, he was actually going to destroy the world." Ranger muttered and the door opened revealing a pizza guy.
"Hey I got your Pizza that'll be…"
Ranger cut him off rising from his desk.
"You're five minutes late, wisemen says forgiveness is a virtue. But don't expect me to pay for late Pizza!" Ranger said grabbing the Pizza. The pizza walked down faced to the door.
"I hate my job." He muttered before leaving.
Lilo stared at Ranger.
"That actually works?"
Ranger nodded setting it down on the desk and taking a bit out of the first slice. As he finished the first slice the door opened again and in stepped the Shadow Syndicate. The Shadow Syndicate set his Crowbar in the umbrella rack.
"Ranger, I got a job for you." He said walking over to Ranger's desk.
Suddenly Lilo ran up to him.
"Can you fix a TV?" She asked and Stitch instantly gave booboo eyes. TSS scratched his head.
"Kind of but that's not why I'm here."
But before he could finish Lilo dragged him over to the TV.
"Fix it then!" Lilo shouted pointing at the TV.
"Why should I do that?" TSS said blankly.
"Because we're missing Zork and Pals!" Lilo shouted angrily.
"He Ranger you want a job that'll get her out of your hair for a bit?" TSS said trying to edge away from the angry Preteen.
"What's the word, my vampire friend?" Ranger asked finishing his fourth slice of pizza. Lilo blinked in surprise.
"You're a vampire?" She asked confused.
TSS ignored her. "We've got a gig from a decently placed Politician."
"Pays good?" Ranger asked biting into a fifth slice.
TSS nodded. "So you going to do the job?"
Ranger instantly rose to his feet setting down the half finished slice.
"You need to ask?" He said grabbing his cloak, guns, and his sword. Then he and TSS made for the door. Lilo following close behind.
"Wait! What about Zork?" She asked as the two hopped into the TSS's M12 LRV, otherwise known as the warthog/puma/chuppathingy.
"You can catch the reruns!" Ranger shouted as they drove off.
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It was near sun set, Ranger and TSS sat in a very nice mansion. Ranger whistled glancing about the finely furbished room.
"Damn, it's true what they say about politicians." He muttered.
"Makes you wonder were he gets all of the money from." TSS replied.
At that moment the door was opened by the butler and in stepped a short man with a big nose, mustache, and a little black hat.
"Ah you must be mister Ranger24. The Shadow Syndicate has told me you're the best in the business." The Mayor said walking towards them a big book in the hands of the butler.
"That's what they say." Ranger said a slight smile. "So what's the job?"
The mayor sat down in the chair in front of them.
"You see it's my adopted Daughter Yuffie, she's a Tom boy." The mayor said.
"So?" Ranger asked.
"And she's all I have left. Her happiness means the world to me." The mayor continued.
'Oh boy,' Ranger thought guessed, thinking of what was most likely what the mayor had called him for.
"And there's this guy named Tucker. I want you to kill him." The mayor finished.
"I had no idea." Ranger said rolling his eyes.
"Well there's also been a string of murders lately so that gives me a definite excuse." The mayor said as the butler set the book on the table pushing the book forward and opening it for Ranger. The pages were filled with pictures of people who'd been murdered recently. All the murders were odd as the bodies were found in secure buildings.
"Besides I'm not sure that the boys human, and he's defiantly not normal!" The mayor proclaimed.
"Oh come on I'm sure he's not…" Ranger started but the mayor cut him off.
"He's black, and Yuffie is Asian."
"So?" Ranger asked.
"Well I saw him use what looked like cure magic on a plant, then this annoying romantic music started playing! Also he has this freaky thing that follows him around and he claims is his kid!" The mayor shouted. Ranger sighed and rose to his feet.
"If I take down the murder I get cash even if it isn't this Tucker guy?" Ranger asked.
The mayor shrugged. "Sure, just try and kill him. Or at least threaten him."
"You're racist." Ranger muttered heading out the door.
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Later at some random bar. Tucker was sitting with a small blue cyan armored thing at his heel.
"Mind if I sit down?" Ranger asked. Tucker blinked in surprise.
"How the hell did you get her so fast?" He asked.
"By breaking the fourth wall and moving to the next scene." Ranger proclaimed.
Suddenly the bar tender put a pizza down in front of Ranger as Tucker quickly left the shop. Ranger began to sweat.
"Oh shit. Do I eat the Pizza or follow the perp? Eat the Pizza? Follow the perp? Eat the pizza? Follow the perp?" Ranger muttered trying to make up it's confused mind. "Oh man, what would the real Dante do?" He asked breaking the fourth wall.
Outside in an alley Tucker and his kid were suddenly confronted by a creature with sallow green skin, blade like arms, and big red eyes.
"I can't believe that the morons haven't realized that I'm the one killing everyone." It hissed.
"Oh shut up." Tucker muttered. His kid gave a mournful blarg.
"What the hell are you depressed about?" The creature hissed. Tucker sighed.
"I'm a lover not a killer." He said depressed.
Suddenly a gunshot rang out and blasted out one of the creature's eyes out!
"Oh shit!" It screamed. Tucker whirled around to see Ranger scarfing down the last of the pizza.
"Wait I thought you ate the pizza?" Tucker said in confusion.
"I broke the fourth wall again and remembered that in devil may cry 3 Dante killed demons and ate pizza at the same time." Ranger replied pointing his pistol in the air as the creature disappeared and then reappeared over him. Ranger didn't even look up as he shot the creature square in the face with his M6C. A small fountain of blood poured down onto Ranger's shoulder before the creature crashed to the ground right next to him.
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A half hour later Ranger, Tucker, and Tucker junior were staring out over the city from a ledge.
"So you mind telling me what's going on?" Ranger asked. Tucker groaned.
"I guess you figured out I'm not normal." He said.
"No shit, especially since you had that thing." Ranger said pointing at Tucker junior who growled at him.
"Well I was summoned by the butler guy to summon my master into the mortal world. Really I just wanted to have a good time." His eyes suddenly softened. "But then I meet Yuffie. If my master is summoned he'll destroy everything in this world and this town."
"And Yuffie." Ranger noted.
"I don't want that to happen. I used to be a total pimp but now. I'm almost embarced to say that I'm actually in love." Tucker said.
"So what are you going to do?" Ranger asked. Tucker junior gave a solemn blarg.
"I'm just one darkling. I can't face my master and hope to win." Tucker said hopelessly.
"Well why don't I give you a hand and we take this master of yours down like Batman and Robin?" Ranger suggested.
"You think I could be Batman?" Tucker asked hopefully.
"What? Hell no! I'm Batman!" Ranger replied.
"Why do you get to be…" Tucker started to object but Ranger pulled out his pistol and pointed it at Tucker's face.
"Oh… That's a very convincing argument." Tucker said quickly.
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Back at the Mansion Yuffie woke up as she heard the sound of something hitting the floor down stairs.
"Dad?" She said getting out of bed. She ran to the door and gave it a tug but it had been locked from the outside. She grabbed a table and using it as a battering ram she smashed down the door or at least the lock. She ran out of her room and gazed do the grand stair case to see the mayor lying on the ground with some satanic symbols on the ground about him and a trickle of blood oozing from his body.
"Holy shit!" She shouted running down the stairs. But just as she reached his body the butler snatched her and put a knife to her throat.
"You should have been a good girl and stayed in your room. Now I have to kill you." He said getting ready to stab her!
Suddenly the Batman theme began playing. Then…
BANG!
The butler cried out as he fell to the ground his hand spraying blood.
KICK!
Ranger knocked down the door sword in hand as he holstered his pistol.
"I call the butler, in the foyer, with a knife!" He shouted.
SMASH!
Tucker kicked in the window and he and Junior leapt.
"Tucker!" Yuffie shouted.
Tucker ran over to the Mayor.
"Oh shit I think he might be dead." He said a loud.
The butler struggled to his feet.
"You bastards!" He shouted.
"The game is up Mr. Butler!" Ranger shouted pointing his sword at the bleeding butler. "Your plan to open a portal to the dark realm and destroy the world is finished."
"And I would have gotten away with it to if it hadn't been for you meddling kids and the freaky alien baby!" He shouted back.
"Fck you creep, get him Junior!" Tucker shouted and Tucker Junior leapt on the Butler.
BLOODY MURDER!
"OH GOD MY SPINE!" The butler screamed as T Jr. brutally murdered him.
PORTAL!
"Wait where'd that one…?" Ranger started but then noticed the hole forming in the satanic symbols out of which emerged the Kraken from pirates of the Caribbean two!
"Oh boy! A victim!" Ranger shouted leaping into the air!
PWN!
Ranger stabbed the kraken in the ubula and shoved it back through the hole it had dragged it's fat ass through. Ranger rose to his feet and swung his sword onto his shoulder.
"I make the simplest things bad ass!" Ranger said with a smirk on his face.
"DYNAMIC ENTRY!" TSS shouted as he suddenly leapt in and kicked Ranger in the face! Ranger was sent flying into the staircase. TSS then realized his mistake.
"Oh sorry man are you okay?" He asked running over to Ranger.
"No now get me the hell out of here." Ranger muttered spouting random curse words.
Yuffie turned to Tucker.
"Quick, do that healing thing and save my crazy adoptive father." Yuffie said. Tucker nodded and his hand glowed green. Ranger smiled.
"Just send the check in the mail." He said as he and TSS left the mansion.
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"Oh come on! Haven't you fixed it yet?" Lilo yelled as TSS tried his best to fix Ranger's TV two days later.
"Why the hell am I doing this?" TSS asked.
"Because if you don't I'll have Stitch remove your testicals." Lilo said brightly as Stitch pulled out a rusty scalpel.
"Well aren't you little miss bitch." TSS muttered as the TV flickered on. Lilo and Stitch gave a cheer.
Ranger sat behind his desk as usual, and he'd just finished his second pizza of the day. He was looking over a postcard Tucker and Yuffie had sent him. TSS wiped some sweat of his forehead as he stood up.
"So I hear that couples getting married." TSS said.
Ranger nodded. "Shame I can't go."
Lilo stood up.
"Why's that Ranger?" She asked.
"Because last time I went to a church I blew it up." Ranger snapped.
Ranger24: And that's the end of this incredibly stupid piece of the story. Next time ULTIMATE CHICK FIGHT!! Read and review.