The First Notebook - IV

I woke up in the middle of the night, experiencing a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. Lighting a candle, I pored over some alchemy texts but I could not seem to get any momentum with them, so here I am writing again. The truth is, I cannot stop thinking about that snowy day, when I received my orders. It has stuck with me as a defining moment, as the flash between light and dark. Freedom; order. Life; death. Because I think I did die a little that day, something in me, that I was never able to recover, something that I need to have in order to continue honestly.

It's a hurdle I'm going to have to jump, but for now, let us continue where we left off. I was at Hughes' apartment, flesh red and sticky with snow. A dull ringing echoed in the back of my head, a sound that would not leave my skull until long after the conflict was over and which I still hear sometimes in my dreams. I knocked on the door and Hughes opened it. He looked at me with pity and understanding and invited me in. Apparently he had heard about what had happened.

"I got lost. Just take me home, Hughes," I said.

"Roy..."

"I appreciate the sentiment, Hughes, but I need to be home."

"You'll just be leaving soon anyway."

He had a point, but I wasn't in the mood to listen. Oddly enough, it wasn't really the spiritual discomfort that moved me to want to return. Really all I felt in my soul after that walk was a dull, throbbing ache. Far more pronounced was the physical discomfort I felt. An itchy feeling burning across my skin, like just beneath it was crawling with maggots. I felt like a torn up, wet rag and all I felt I needed was a warm bath.

"Take me home, Hughes."

"Okay, Roy."

We both loaded up into his car. In hindsight this may have been a bad idea. The roads being covered in that thin layer of snow, our movements were slow and sluggish. The wheels turned with all the force and speed of a watermill being propelled by a glacier. But it was warm enough in the car and a bit of the discomfort was alleviated. Hughes' presence beside me also warmed me, and the heat radiating from his body filled me with a dreamy sense of half-contentment, or perhaps complacency.

The ride passed, however, in silence. It was a heavy silence that filled the air with a metallic, leaden weight. Sounds like the shifting of gears or the jangling of keys took on a hollow, ringing quality. Like if you were to tap your fingers on an empty metal tin, but it was a substantial hollowness. The very inanity of these tiny movements became filled with meaning. So when finally the silence was broken, it came as a surprise.

"Do you think you'll be okay?" Hughes asked. His voice trembled a bit on the 'b' in be. His nose was red.

"I'm fine. I don't even feel it now. It's just all so sudden."

We sat again in silence for a time.

"You don't believe me," I said.

"I don't. But I'll give you time. I hear it comes in waves," he said.

"What does?

"The reaction to things like this."

I nodded. I might have read the same thing somewhere. We read a lot of the same books.

"Maybe it will. I'm fine now, though."

"Is there anything I can do?"

"What would you be able to do? It's not like we can defy this order. Our careers are at stake."

"I dunno, just asking."

Then he said what was on both of our minds.

"You know it'll be a bloodbath. The Ishvalans don't use alchemy like we do. They'll be slaughtered. And the reports on what we've been doing up there haven't been good, Roy. Are you sure you can do that?"

"I have no choice. This is the path I've chosen, as a dog of the military. This is where my ambition has led me. I can't back out now."

"I guess you're right, Roy."

And the more time passed in silence, and we arrived at my apartment complex. It was barely recognizable. We got out and shook hands.

"You know things are going great with Gracia," he blurted out, seemingly out of nowhere. "I'm thinking about asking her to marry me. She's such a pretty girl, don't you think? And sweet. It's about time, don't you think?" He said with a sad smile. He words condensed right out of his mouth and floated off into the air like so many helium balloons.

"You're totally right, Hughes," I said awkwardly.

"Look at this picture of us," he said, pulling out his wallet and showing me a picture of them standing together, smiling, under the roof of his apartment. "Don't you think it's just lovely?" He faltered a bit on the last syllable. It sort of disintegrated into powder.

"I think you'll be great together."

"Yup, you know it, Roy!"

He then grew shivered and grew stiff. Then he turned around and left. I thought that may be my last conversation with Hughes, but the next day I found a note under my door, enclosed in a pretty white envelope. I opened it up, and scrawled in Hughes' methodical handwriting was the following letter. I think I almost cried when I read it,

Dear Roy,

I talked with the higher-ups. You know I have connections there. Anyway, it turns out I'm being assigned to Ishval as well. Can you believe it! Isn't that great? So you won't be alone! I think I might miss Gracia a lot, but it'll have been worth it, I think. We'll have each others' backs, Roy, isn't that great? So no matter what we do, no matter what we experience out in the desert land, we'll do it together.

Your friend, Hughes.