True North
By Jaclyn Parker
"Advice is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into, the mind."
-Samuel Taylor Coleridge
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"Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!"
Carly's eyes strained themselves to open and she immediately wished they hadn't. Her world was bouncing up and down, thanks to an overeager Sage on her bed.
"Sage, honey, please stop. You're making me nauseas." Carly groaned and then seeing the clock she groaned again. "Baby, it's not even eight o'clock in the morning. Everyone is probably still…"
She trailed off as she watched her sons shuffle into her doorway. Completely sleep tousled they leaned heavily in the doorframe, yawning but trying to force their eyes to open as Carly had done moments before.
Carly held back a chuckle at the image they presented. Apparently the thought of getting gifts had overridden their teenage sense of duty to over-sleep.
"Where's Daddy?" Sage said crossing her legs as she settled into the dark green, down comforter on the bed.
"What do you mean?" Carly said, her brain still struggling to wake up.
"He's not in his room." J.J. said as he and Parker exchanged glances. Neither one would admit it out loud, but when they hadn't been able to find Jack in his room they had both secretly hoped they would find him in here with Carly.
Carly caught the look between them and sent one of her own before answering Sage.
"I don't know where your dad is, Sweetie." Carly looked at Sage, but aimed her answer to all three of them. Parker and J.J. at least had the decency to study their socks, when she glanced pointedly in their direction. "Maybe he's downstairs already, waiting to see what Santa brought him."
"Oh, Mommy." Sage said, rolling her eyes.
Carly's gaze pricked with tears at the reminder that her youngest child had finally outgrown the belief in Santa Claus. She could hardly believe that it was just last year that Sage had written out a Christmas list and insisted on mailing it to the North Pole right away, practically before the marker had dried on the paper. Carly ran a hand over Sage's hair and kissed her forehead. Where did the time go?
"Can we go downstairs now?" Sage asked and even the two teens in the doorway were now, somehow, completely awake and raring to go.
"Oh for the love of…" Carly said, rolling her eyes and throwing on the fleece robe that Emma had loaned her. "Let me brush my teeth and then yes, by all means, lead the way!"
When they entered the living room, they were met with the rest of the family looking pretty much the exact same way. The kids were bouncing on their heels by the tree while the grownups looked ready to pass out again at a moment's notice.
All of the grownups except one, that is.
When a fully alert Emma pressed a steaming mug of hot coffee into Carly's hands, the look of pure gratitude she received in return made the matriarch laugh out loud.
"Don't worry. You go join the rest of the zombies on the couch. I've got the kids." Emma said and shooed Carly to where most of the other adults were sitting.
Meg had claimed the cushioned rocking chair by the fireplace instead, but the poor thing had fallen back asleep with Paul sitting on hearth next to her, holding her hand. His own eyes were dropping then flying open again every few seconds. By the way they looked this morning Carly was willing to bet that the baby had been up all night kicking.
Carly moved to the sofa, pausing briefly when she saw Jack sitting in the same spot that she had left him in last night. He looked up at her and the moment their eyes met, every second from last night ran through her mind. When he broke the gaze and looked back down into his own cup of coffee, Carly knew that the same thing had happened to him. Lily and Holden finally noticed her standing there and scooted over to let her sit down.
"Right next to Jack," Lily whispered in Carly's ear as she sat next to her, leaning over with a pleased smile on her face.
"Thanks." Carly whispered back sarcastically, making Lily frown.
"What? What happened? You guys were getting along great last night."
"Nothing." Carly said, sighing and shaking her head. Now was not the time to get into it.
Lily let it go, but by the way she kept sending sideways glances her way, Carly knew that she was going to be pressed for details later on.
"Okay, guys, you know the drill." Emma said and all the kids dropped to the floor where they stood, looking eagerly at the immense pile of gifts under the tree.
The Christmas day routine in the Snyder family was a relatively easy one. When putting out the presents last night, the men had kept a tally for each child. After making the amounts even, whatever was left over was put away by that respective parent to have them open up later at their individual home. Even though accessories and batteries counted along with a gift as one present, there was still an impressive amount for each kid to open.
About halfway through the process the adults would be handed their gifts, making everyone end around the same time. Not only was it the best way to prevent upsets and rivalry between the kids, but it kept the progression moving at a nice pace.
The kids were opening their third round of presents when they all heard the kitchen door open.
"Hello! Merry Christmas!" Brad called out as he and Katie walked into the living room.
He held her by the elbow and was taking shuffling steps next to her. However, for being stabbed only three days ago, Katie was moving incredibly well.
"Brad, I'm sore and pregnant not crippled. You can move a little faster." She muttered under her breath and rolled her eyes.
"Yeah, but…" Brad started but she quickly cut him off.
"Merry Christmas, everyone! Are we too late?" Katie asked cheerfully and this time it was Brad who rolled his eyes, but they twinkled with amusement at his wife's stubbornness.
"Not at all, we just started! Come in and sit down, honey." Emma said, waving them into the room after kissing both of them hello.
Jack and Holden quickly moved off of the sofa, allowing Carly and Lily to make room. The men re-positioned themselves on the floor in front of the couch and Brad settled down next them.
"So what did we miss?" He asked, cheerfully.
"Not much. The kids were just about to descend on their next round of gifts like a pack of wild hyenas." Holden joked and Brad laughed, looking over at the kids. His laughter caught in his throat at the pointed and impatient stares he received in return.
"Oh, well, don't let us stop you." Brad said, waving them on. They didn't need any more encouragement as they enthusiastically reached for the closest gift-wrapped item surrounding them.
The adults laughed and Emma handed Brad a cup of coffee and one of decaffeinated tea for Katie, before going back to keep an eye on the gift opening.
Lily looked at Katie and smiled. "How was your Christmas Eve?"
"Well, Liberty came to eat dinner with us at the hospital and she surprised us with decorations that the nurses let us put around the room. It was actually pretty fun." Katie said, sipping her tea and smiling at the memory of Brad and Liberty bickering playfully about where to hang everything. The teen had even bought two poinsettias, one large and one small.
One for Katie and one for her new baby brother or sister, Liberty had explained promptly making Katie hug her while trying in vain not to cry. Brad had laughed at the tears, saying it was hormones again but both Liberty and Katie had seen him brush one away before he could hide it.
"Yeah, I dropped her back off at the Lakeview to spend the rest of the night there with Janet and we're going to stop by later to take her with us to Tom and Margo's place." Brad said, smiling too.
"Brad," Jack spoke up, his voice quiet and his eyes fixated on his coffee mug. "How is Janet?"
The women all shifted up on the couch, while Holden and Brad exchanged glances.
"She's okay. She's spending the morning with Liberty then having dinner with Henry and Vienna, I believe." Brad said slowly and Jack nodded his head. Carly's hands itched to reach out to him, but by the way he held his shoulders so stiffly she knew he didn't want any comfort. Probably most of all from her.
The uncomfortable moment passed and soon they were drawn back into the fray of the gift opening.
When Luke and Noah arrived they, also, easily fell into the family fun. Luke was essentially attacked by his younger siblings, who rarely got to see him anymore since he started college. He was good natured about it, especially since he missed them as much as they missed him. Noah found himself immediately pulled into a conversation about the snowboards that Brad had given Parker and J.J., discussing the best slopes to hit and some easy beginner tricks he could show them.
As morning progressed, the halfway mark for opening gifts came quickly. They all paused to eat breakfast, before resuming their exact same positions as before. The adults were given their own gifts and the volume of the room increased a few times over with laughter and talking.
When everything had been opened, the kids settled in to pass toys around or fiddle with the new gadgets they had been given, while the adults continued their prior conversations.
Well, most of them.
"Meg, honey, why don't you go back to sleep? The good stuff is over." Emma said and kissed her sleepy daughter's head. She threw a look at Paul, her feelings for him usually only slightly above tolerable and that was only because he obviously made her daughter happy. "You too, Paul. You look like you are about to keel over."
"Um, thanks Emma." Paul said, giving her a look and then winking at her. Rolling her eyes she turned away but not before they could see the small smile she had tried but failed to suppress.
"Hey Meg, would you put Ethan down for his nap while you're heading up?" Lily asked, motioning to the little boy who was curled up on the living room rug half asleep himself.
"I got him, Lily."
Paul stood then bent down to lift the tired toddler into his arms. Ethan shifted to look at Paul and then with a sleepy smile, promptly conked out on the man's shoulder.
"Thanks again for all the presents, guys." Meg said, as Paul helped her out of the rocking chair with one hand, the other arm holding Ethan tightly. She looked at Carly and gave a huge smile. "Those baby clothes were adorable. I can't believe you had time to make them!"
Carly had taken the classic "mod" look from the 60s that she predicted would be coming back into style and basically shrunk it down into baby sized clothes with a couple twists of her own. She had a great time picking out fun, bright patterns and accessories. Her favorite, which coincidentally had been Meg's favorite, was the tiny dress done in a retro flower pattern in sunny teals, pinks, greens, white, and oranges. It had a pink ribbon around the upper chest and Carly had added white baby leggings with laced ruffles on the bottom near the ankles.
Happy not only at the praise but that Meg truly seemed to enjoy the clothes, Carly shrugged and smiled back. "They were designs I had been working on for a while now. I am just glad you liked them."
"Like them? I love them!" Meg exclaimed, as she pointed to the small pile. "I can't wait to dress her up!"
"You know, I think BRO has been thinking about starting a children's line. Maybe you could…" Paul started to say but the looks that, pretty much, everyone threw his way made him stop short.
"Um, Meg, I think you should get your husband back to bed. He seems to be delirious." Carly said, only half joking.
"Yes, I think you might be right." Meg said and turned to pat Paul on the head gently. "Come along, dear. Nap time."
With a goofy smile and wave, Paul allowed Meg to steer him towards the stairs and back to bed. Ethan's hand dangled down Paul's back and as they disappeared around the corner, they saw Paul adjust him more comfortably then gently kiss the sleeping boy's head.
"You know, it amazes me how good he is with the kids." Holden said the disbelief apparent in his voice.
"Especially considering his own parentage." Carly remarked, shuddering at the idea of having James Stenbeck as a parent. Or Barbara Ryan for that matter.
"He's trying to rise above it. And Meg loves him." Lily said, but Holden frowned.
"Yeah, now I just wish Dusty Donovan would leave them the goddamn hell alone."
"Holden…" Lily's voiced warned him against his language and to advise him to calm down.
"No, it's true! Meg doesn't need to be under this kind of stress. It's not good for the baby. I'll admit that I'm not Paul's biggest fan but she's happy with him. Why can't Dusty just leave her alone?" Holden rumbled and Lily just shushed him, bending over to run her hand down his cheek. He sighed, lifting her palm to his lips and kissing it, knowing that his wife was right. This was not the time or place.
They all shook their heads and after beat, Katie turned to Carly.
"Meg's right, though. Those clothes were amazing." She said and then hesitated briefly. "Do you think...you know, down the road...you could design something for our baby?"
Lily threw a small look to Carly that clearly conveyed her line of thinking. Katie was extending another olive branch and it was up to Carly to take it.
"Sure, Katie, I'd be happy to." Carly said slowly, but sincerely.
"I mean, I know I've got a while, but it's never too early to start learning about good fashion, right?" Katie said, letting out a small nervous laugh and tucking her blonde hair behind her ears.
"Amen." Lily and Carly both said and all three women smiled.
The guys had started up a new conversation but Carly, Lily, and Katie knew they had been listening by the almost simultaneous sighs they gave at the lack of bloodshed between the women. Rolling their eyes at each other, they continued to talk about how Katie was feeling. Now that she knew she was just entering her second month they gave her a small run down on what she could probably expect in the months to come.
While talking, Lily shifted to hook her feet under Holden's armpits. In the familiar rhythm of a longtime married man, he adjusted his position on the floor to accommodate her without pausing in the conversation he was carrying on with Brad and Jack. After a few minutes, Katie bent down to ask Brad something and Jack and Carly's attention was caught by Sage and her current electronic gizmo. Suddenly, Holden felt a light kick to his ribs.
'What?' he mouthed to his wife, who said nothing but shifted her eyes in Jack and Carly's direction. He casually looked over at them and then couldn't help but send back a huge grin to Lily.
At some point during the morning, Jack had settled himself between Carly's knees as her legs hung over the couch. His body was turned to face Brad and Holden with his one arm casually draped over Carly's left leg. Carly's hands were frequently fluttering about while she talked but when they weren't moving, one hand was reflexively running its fingers through Jack's thick hair.
The position appeared to be so intimately familiar and natural to them both, that Lily and Holden knew that neither one consciously realized what they were doing.
It was only ten minutes later, when Luke suggested sledding, that Carly and Jack noticed their arrangement and practically jumped apart.
Lily and Holden both held back frustrated sighs and sent irrational glares at their eldest son. Poor Luke just looked back in bewilderment, shrugging his shoulders as if to ask 'what did I do?'
"Yes, great idea!" Jack said, leaping to his feet. "Do you think you and Noah can handle it? Holden, Brad, and I have the great pleasure of trying to dig out all the cars."
"Sure, no problem." Noah said and Luke nodded, exchanging mischievous glances with the rest of the younger crowd.
"Um, hey, boys…no using Vaseline or WD-40 on the bottom of the plastic sleds! We don't need to end the day with a trip to the ER." Lily said, pointing a finger at them.
A chorus of groans sounded and with slightly less enthusiasm they all went to go put on their snow attire.
"And no putting the skate board ramp at the end of the hill!" Carly called out after them, earning another set of loud groans before the adults heard the screen door shut.
"Any chance of them actually listening to you?" Katie asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I don't know. Let's see. Emma?" Carly called into the kitchen to answer Katie's question.
"Well, they don't have the ramp." Emma yelled back as she watched the kids head for the massive hill out back that had been used for sledding ever since her own children were young. "But Luke is trying to hide the gallon of vegetable oil I bought last week in his jacket and the five-pack of sponges from the pantry closet is also missing."
The adults all looked at each other before cracking up with laughter.
"You know what? I, uh, think I should go supervise." Brad said after a moment and quickly disappeared to get his snow stuff on before anyone could object.
"Yeah…I guess should probably go supervise the supervisor." Katie said hitching her thumbs in the direction that her husband went while rolling her eyes.
After assuring them that Brad had made her bring enough warm snow attire to brave Antarctica, she followed him into the kitchen. A few minutes later they heard the screen door shut again and the kids shout for joy at the sight of their mischievous older relatives. The happy yells made much more sense when Emma confirmed that Brad was carrying the skate board ramp towards the hill.
Shaking their heads, Holden and Jack also bundled up to brave the chilly outside weather and dig out all of the vehicles in the long driveway. Brad had done just enough to get his SUV close to the kitchen so that he could safely carry Katie in, but then he had graciously left the rest of it covered in two and a half feet of snow.
"We'll be out in a little while to warm you guys up with some coffee." Lily said, turning to grab some of the breakfast dishes that had been left earlier in anticipation of getting back to the presents.
"Make mine cocoa." Jack said not being able to help himself and his eyes deliberately sought out Carly. She stared back at him a moment before busying herself with dishes like Lily.
When they heard the men leave, Lily opened her mouth to speak to Carly but Emma interrupted her.
"Lily, sweetheart, I think Carly and I can handle the dishes in here. Can you go start on the wrapping paper disaster in the living room?"
"Um, sure," Lily said but the look she shot Carly before she left clearly stated once again, that the two friends would be talking later on.
Carly and Emma cleared the table in silence, but Carly knew it wasn't going to last long.
"You know, watching you and my nephew sometimes reminds me of watching the ocean tide." Emma said, turning on the hot water to wash the dishes and handing Carly a towel to dry them. "A constant push and pull motion that seems almost natural."
"Emma, I…" Carly started but Emma cut her off.
"What's going on with you and Jack?" Emma asked bluntly, her poetic moment apparently over.
"Nothing," Carly said but Emma made a noise.
"Carly, I may be getting older but I'm not senile." Emma said and Carly had to hide a smile. "I thought you were with that doctor."
Carly hesitated a moment before nodding. "I am."
"But Jack wants you back." Emma stated rather than asked. "And I take it that you said, no?"
"I said no." Carly confirmed and let out a scornful chuckle. "Which, I'm sure, makes you extremely happy."
"No, Carly, it doesn't." Emma replied almost causing Carly to drop the plate she was in the process of drying.
"What?" Carly said, eyeing her distrustfully. "I thought the last thing you would want is for Jack to be with me again."
"I thought that too, for the longest time. And when he started seeing Janet and proposed to her, I really thought that this was it. Finally he'd have a chance to be happy." Emma said and even though wasn't saying them to be cruel, her words made Carly's chest ache.
Emma looked over at Carly and frowned. "But he wasn't happy. Not really. It was more like he was…I don't know what word would describe it, really. It was as if he was with Janet because he knew she was someone who wouldn't rock the boat."
"And that's a bad thing?" Carly asked, confused.
"It is when, in order to be with that person, you lose that special spark that helps make you who you are." Emma said and, putting the glass she was holding back into the soapy water of the sink, she turned to fully face Carly. "I hadn't seen that spark in Jack's eyes for a long time. That is until last night, when he brought you here."
"But I thought you liked Janet?" Carly said, shaking her head
"I do, very much. And because of Liberty, I still consider her family. Just like when it comes down to it, I consider you family too."
"You do?" Carly asked incredulously.
"Carly, I will admit that you and I haven't always seen eye to eye. But I have seen you follow many different courses over the years and you have still managed to retain that same spit-fire attitude that you had when I first met you. And, trust me, I know how hard that is to do in this town. You are a good mother who loves her kids and they love you back. Hell, you can even drum up a pretty decent apology when you want to."
"I've had to make enough of them." Carly said, self-mockingly.
"You show me someone in Oakdale who says they haven't made several huge mistakes in their lives, including me, and I'll show you a liar." Emma said, staring straight into her eyes. Carly searched her face and finding no trace of condescension, she lowered her gaze to hide the tears that had suddenly formed.
"Thank you." Carly said softly.
"Can I ask why you turned him down?" Emma said after a beat and when Carly opened her mouth she shook her head. "And don't tell me it's because of Dr. Reynolds because it's pretty obvious that you still love Jack just as must as you ever did."
A movement outside caught Carly's attention and she couldn't help but smile as she watched Jack shake off the snowball that Holden had thrown square in his chest before playfully threatening to whack his cousin with the shovel.
Carly's heart expanded just at the sight of him and that smug little grin of his. Whenever they were in the same room her stomach still felt like there were a million butterflies inside, just like it had all those years ago in Montana. He was her G-man and no matter what happened between them, he would always be the one who had taught her what it was like to truly fall in love.
"Yes, I still love Jack. I will always love him." Carly said simply. Her gaze out the window shifted and this time she watched her kids fly down the sledding hill, their happy laughter making its way to her ears. "But...I have to do what's right for our children. And for me and Jack. I don't think any of us couldn't take it falling apart again."
"And you're so sure that it wouldn't work? That you both haven't learned from your past mistakes?" Emma said, watching her face closely. "Maybe you've both grown up more than you realized."
Carly stayed silent and Emma glanced at her sideways before going back to the dishes. They heard Lily start to make her way back into the kitchen and Emma handed the last cup from the sink to Carly and dried her hands. But before she moved away to go help Lily, Emma paused and placed a hand on Carly's arm, making the younger woman look her in the eyes.
"In the end, Carly, just remember something. It's been the choices that you thought you made for the right reasons that always seem to go the wrong way in the end."