True North
By Jaclyn Parker
"Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace. The soul that knows it not, knows no release from little things; knows not the livid loneliness of fear."
-Amelia Earhart
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"Mom, you have to say yes!" Parker said as he entered the house, flinging his backpack to the floor and shaking off the snow. "Mom!"
Carly hurried into the living room brushing her hands on her pants, leaving streaks of flour.
"What? What is it?" Carly asked, looking him up and down with a mother's worried eye.
"What are you doing?" Parker asked, giving his mom a weird look.
"Your Aunt Emma gave Sage her peanut butter cookie recipe and we're trying it out." Carly said and sent him an indignant look at the snort of laughter he let out. "Look, young man. Just because you are 16 now doesn't mean you're all that. I brought you into this world and I can take you out!"
Parker gave her a smirk at the clichéd parental saying. Then crossing his arms he tilted his head, saying "Technically didn't Dad and Dr. Dixon bring me into the world?"
Carly narrowed her eyes at his smartass reply but her lips twitched in a smile. She couldn't help it if he was right. He had grown up with the story of how Jack had helped deliver him all his life and now that endearing story had come back to bite Carly on the ass.
"Okay, okay." Carly said and rolled her eyes. "What did you want earlier?"
"Oh yeah!" Parker said, having temporarily forgotten what he was going to tell her. "When Lee calls, you have to say yes."
"When Lee calls? Say yes to what?" Carly asked, looking at him in confusion.
"Mommy, the oven is beeping. I think it's done pre-heating." Sage said coming from the kitchen, her own hands lightly dusted with flour.
"Um, okay, then I think we need to…" Carly said turning to Sage but a loud thundering on the stairs stopped her.
"Hey Mom, can I run over to Matt's house and see if I can borrow his Ninja Masters?" J.J. asked, jumping the last two stairs to land near where Parker stood.
Carly gave him a stern look and he sent a sheepish apologetic one back before tilting his head, waiting for an answer.
"J.J., you just got three new games for your Xbox for Christmas. Don't tell me you beat them already." Carly asked, placing her hands on her hips.
"No, but I just found this awesome cheat online about how to become invisible and I want to try it out." J.J. said and Carly frowned.
"Mommy, the cookies!" Sage said, stomping her foot slightly in impatience.
"Mom, are you even listening to me?" Parker asked and Carly turned to look at him again.
"I'm sorry, Parker. What did you want?"
"When Lee calls, you have to say yes. Promise!" Parker said and Sage looked over at her older brother.
"Are Lee and Mattie coming over?" She asked excitedly. "Mattie said she was going to teach me how to do a friendship bracelet with the kit she got me for Christmas."
"Oh you can ask Lee about the whole racing stripe thing you saw for Sheila." J.J. said to Parker who rolled his eyes.
"I would but he's not coming over, Moron. He's calling Mom and I was just telling her…" Parker started to say but J.J. interrupted.
"Hey, don't call me moron, Jerk. I was just trying to help." J.J. said and glared at Parker.
"Come on! Stop fighting!" Sage cried, stomping her foot harder this time.
"Well I wouldn't have to call you anything if you just let me finish!" Parker started to yell back at J.J., but a sharp piercing whistle stopped all talk.
Carly stood there, her fingers still in her mouth, and glared at her sons.
"Enough!" Carly said firmly and sighed. "Look, I know that you were supposed to start school again on Monday and while we are all getting a little stir crazy, we just need to take a breath. The school will get the water pipes fixed, clean up the mess that they caused when they burst and will just open a little later than we thought. But until then, I need you to work with me here, okay?"
"Mom, the fact that we get an extra week or two of school off is perfect. That's why you have to tell Lee that we'll go!" Parker said and Carly shook her head.
"Parker, what are you talking about?" She asked and as if on cue, the phone began to ring. She reached for it and seeing Lee's name on the caller ID she sent a raised eyebrow in Parker's direction.
"Just say yes." He said and sat down on the couch, looking at her expectantly. J.J. and Sage's curiosity got the better of them and they joined Parker on the sofa.
"Hey, Lee." Carly said, finally answering the phone.
"Hey, Luv. You heard about what happened at the high school?" Lee asked and she sighed.
"Yeah, this morning. I just can't believe the state board is insisting on making all of the schools in the district stay closed until they're cleared." Carly said and smiled at Lee's chuckle.
"I bet the kids are ecstatic. I know Mattie is, despite all the griping about extra homework." Lee said.
"Yeah, well, if my kids keep up the way they have been today, I might just say forget it and send them all to boarding school." Carly said, looking pointedly at her children. All three just rolled their eyes at her and she sighed again, focusing on Lee's words.
"Who are you kidding, darling? You would shoot off your own foot before sending any of your kids away to school." Lee laughed, shaking his head. He had only known her a short time, but even he understood what a ludicrous idea it was.
"Hm, well…" Carly said, trying not to smile as well. Then Parker's words came back to her and she frowned. "Hey, Lee, what exactly am I supposed to say yes to?"
"What?" Lee asked, his brow furrowing in confusion.
"I don't know. My son comes in from hanging out with some friends at the mall, including your niece, and orders me to say yes to something." Carly said, trying to figure out what was going on.
"Ah, I see someone had hard time keeping good news to herself." Lee said, sending a glance Mattie's way, who froze in her position of eavesdropping in the doorway to his home office.
Knowing she was caught, she sent him a cheeky smile and wiggled her fingers hello. Lee rolled his eyes and sighed, waving her in to sit on the black leather couch that took up his far wall. She bounced in and flopped down, pulling her legs under her and watching him with an eager face.
"Okay, so here's the deal, Luv." Lee started and then proceeded to ramble. "I was just invited to be a key note speaker at a pretty prestigious medical convention, but the convention starts on Monday. I'm taking Mattie with me because, well, as you know Mattie's birthday is on the 16th, so I figured it was a pretty cool birthday gift and a way to keep her occupied with this whole school not opening on time thing. And she's always wanted to go and it's a great opportunity but then I realized that she is probably going to be incredibly bored by herself most of the time and…we were wondering if you wanted to join us. All of you."
"Wait, Lee, slow down. Medical convention? Where? In Chicago?" Carly asked and taking a look at her kids, who had been whispering on the couch she was startled by the excited faces looking back at her. They had been to Chicago plenty of times. Why were they so eager to go now?
"Well, no, not Chicago. Um, it's actually in…Los Angeles." Lee said and pulled the phone away from his ear as Carly echoed the city loudly.
"Los Angeles? As in California? Are you crazy?" Carly exclaimed. "You are inviting us to L.A. to a convention that starts in two days?"
"Um, yes?" Lee said hesitatingly.
"Lee, what about the hotel? We can't all stay in one room. And flight? There is no way we'd possibly get one now. It'd have to be tomorrow! And work? What am I supposed to do about Metro? Oh God, their clothes! Their spring and summer clothes are all the way in the attic." Carly started to list all the things that could cause a problem, even the inane ones.
"The convention is taking place at the Center Plaza, which is already a Hyatt. They have offered as many rooms as I needed. I figured on two, one for the girls and one for the boys. Plus, they are paying the airfare. There's a flight at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning and we'll catch the return flight on Friday at noon and be back by dinner time."
"But," Carly tried to interject but Lee just kept on going.
"After all the work you put in for New Year's Eve, I'm sure Henry can handle the down time for a week. As for clothes, just make Parker and J.J. carry the stuff down for you. It's still pretty cool over in LA so spring clothes are probably fine. Maybe a bathing suit or two for the hotel pool." Lee finished, sharing a conspirator look with Mattie who giggled behind her hand. Apparently all the arguments that they had written down and guessed that Carly would use were correct.
"Wow, you though of everything didn't you?" Carly said running a hand through her curls, not realizing that she had left a small trail of flour until the kids started to snicker on the couch. Looking at her hand and then the suddenly innocent faces of her children, she rolled her eyes and focused back on Lee.
"Look, darling. You want the truth?" Lee said and turned away from where Mattie was now watching him curiously. "I saw you the days following Christmas and then with everything you told me that happened on New Year's Eve with Jack. You are tearing yourself up inside and it has to stop. We both know what you really want and I think that if you give yourself some time away from Oakdale to clear your head you'll finally admit it."
"Lee," Carly said, closing her eyes against his words.
"Okay, how about this argument, you stubborn pain in my ass? Doesn't your cousin Molly live about 45 minutes from L.A.? Wouldn't it be nice to see her and her daughter, um, what was her name?"
"Abigail." Carly said and she smiled at the thought of seeing her "Cuz", who was really more like another sister. And she was dying to meet this new boyfriend of Abby's and give him the "Carly Tenney third degree".
She glanced over at the three on the couch, who were poised on the edge, listening to every word she said.
"What hotel did you say it was at?" Carly asked and bit her lip.
"It's at the Hyatt Regency Center Plaza. It's actually one of the nicest hotels in LA." Lee said, looking over the information on his desk.
"Isn't that some kind of oxymoron?" Carly muttered and then sighed. "Okay, let me just check with Jack and I'll call you back in a little while."
"I'll set up the plane tickets and rooms." Lee said, grinning at the obvious agreement he heard in Carly's voice, however subdued she tried to make it sound. Then he looked over at Mattie and winked. The young teenaged girl squealed and leapt off the couch, pausing to kiss his cheek before darting out the door. Lee didn't have to guess that Parker was probably getting a phone call even as Lee sat here on the phone with his mother.
Carly just laughed and saying goodbye, hung up the phone. Looking over at her kids she sighed again.
"So who's up for a trip to L.A?"
It was a good thing that Carly was used to having chaos in her house because the reaction her words caused would have normally scared a zoo keeper. All three kids started yelling and jumping around like lunatics, talking at once.
Mid-chaos Parker somehow managed to answer his ringing cell phone and was now talking animatedly to Mattie. Sage was hanging onto Carly's waist, talking up at her about all the fun things that they could do in LA while J.J. was already on Carly's nearby laptop, looking up and calling out the best places to surf around LA.
Finally, the sound of the doorbell broke through the other noise and Carly made her way to the door, with Sage still latched on to her waist, giggling like crazy. Carly started laughing too as she swung the door open and then choked mid-chuckle at the sight of Jack standing on their doorstep.
"Hi, did I interrupt something?" Jack asked, looking past them into the house and taking in Parker pacing on the phone while J.J. continued to yell out random beach locations.
As Carly's brain immediately flashed back to the end of New Year's Eve and the words that followed it, she felt her face getting flush. For the life of her she couldn't remember her own name as she took in Jack with his wind tousled hair and warm brown eyes. Jack couldn't tear his eyes away from Carly's blue gaze, which seemed to sparkle more in the mid-afternoon sun than he had seen it in a while. The backpack belonging to J.J. hung loosely in his hand, completely forgotten.
"Daddy, guess what? Lee is taking us to LA with him!" Sage's excited voice was like a bucket of ice cold water being dumped on them both.
Jack's eyes slowly traveled down to Sage's face and then back to Carly's. The warmth that had been there moments ago was now gone and a growing build of anger and suspicion was replacing it.
"You're what?" Jack asked a definite edge to his voice.
"Guys, can you go upstairs and let me talk to your dad about everything?" Carly asked, surprised to find her voice steady despite the trembling starting in her limbs.
"Mom?" J.J.'s voice said softly, his eyes darting back and forth from Carly's pale face to the tick in Jack's jaw line.
"Didn't you say you were going to finally show Sage how to beat level 8 in the Mario Brothers game?" Carly said and smiled at him, sending him reassurances with her eyes. Their middle son was much more sensitive than he liked to let on about their fighting. This was not surprising the way his birth parents volatile situation effected him the way it did when he was a small child.
"Yeah, come on, Shorty. I'll even show you where the star blocks are hidden." J.J. said and waved at her.
Sage just frowned, her grip tightening on Carly's waist instead of loosening.
"Go ahead, Sweetie. I want to hear all about how you kicked their butts later okay?" Carly said and Sage bit her lip, her own eyes looking over at Jack.
"Me too, Princess. I'll might even play winner. Go ahead; go with your brothers." Jack said and tweaked her nose.
Sage rolled her eyes and proceeded to stomp lightly up the stairs, mutterings about not being a baby under her breath. J.J. followed closely behind as did Parker who threw glances at them while still whispering into the phone.
As soon as they were out of sight, Carly held up a hand to stop what ever speech was about to leave Jack's mouth.
"I don't want to fight with you, Jack." Carly said and looked him in the eyes. "It was a last minute trip and people who invited Lee are nice enough to cover hotel and airfare for us too, if we want to go. The kids don't have school because of the ice build up making the pipes burst and they are really excited. I'm sorry I didn't have a chance to ask you about it, but I was just about to call you. Honestly."
Jack had stayed silent through this entire mini-rant and now he sighed.
"Carly, calm down. Yeah, I'm not thrilled that Lee asked you last second but the kids are obviously happy to go and if I say no, I'll look like the biggest jerk in the universe."
"Jack, don't be ridiculous. Those kids adore you. You're never the bad guy, remember?" Carly said, some of the bitterness from the last few years unintentionally seeping into her voice.
"Um, were you not there just a couple months ago when I was engaged to Janet?" Jack scoffed. "I certainly wasn't anyone's hero then."
"Oh please." Carly said and rolled her eyes. "They would have gotten over it and you know it."
"Would you have?" Jack said, causing Carly to still. Reaching out, he tucked a stray blonde curl behind Carly's ear and let his finger trail down her cheek. "Tell me the truth, Carly. Would you have gotten over me marrying Janet?"
Carly was silent for a few moments and then shook her head lightly.
"I don't know, Jack."
Then she tilted her chin and her eyes took on that set stubborn look that she always got when she went into self-preservation mode.
"But I'm sure once Lee came around, I would have been fine."
Jack's reaction to her words startled her, because instead of looking angry he just laughed.
"What's so damn funny?" Carly asked, her ire rising. "Lee is an amazing man."
"That's not the point, Carly." Jack said and stepping closer to her, he reached out and took one of her hands in his.
He placed her hand so that her fingertips were gently touching his temple and said, "We're together here."
Then he lowered their hands so that they rested on his chest, the soft thump of his heart now in the center of her palm. "And we're together here."
Jack looked deep into Carly's blue eyes and smiled softly at her. "We're in each other's souls, Carly. And no one, not even someone as great as the all mighty Lee Reynolds, can change that."
Carly felt herself getting lost in Jack's gaze, letting the comforting rhythm of his heartbeat come in sync with hers. That was until the pain and the anger that she had been holding onto for the past several months, hell the past several years, bubbled to the surface. Yanking her hand away, she took a step back from a very startled Jack.
"Who the hell do you think you are?" She said, her voice trembling. Jack's eyes widened and she shook her head, obviously her question a rhetoric one.
"Two and a half years." Carly said, her eyes flashing. She wanted to quit talking but she couldn't. Something deep inside of her had finally broken loose and she didn't know how to stop.
"Two and a half goddamn years, Jack. That's how long we have been officially divorced. Lord knows I tried to move on and yes, I agree that Simon wasn't the greatest decision of my life and I know that now. But this is exactly like it was back then. Just when I think I can move on, just when I think I can finally fall asleep without you lying next to me every night in bed and kissing me awake every morning, you suddenly remember this 'great love' that you have for me. You say sweet words and state claims about how no man will ever love me the way you do."
Carly stepped forward and pointed a finger at him, inches away from his chest.
"Where was this great love when I came back from hiding with Simon, something you told me to do in the first place? Where was this great love you have for me when we got our son back from his kidnappers and you saved my life? When you pulled me from the quicksand, Jack, and held me in your arms I thought that everything was going to be okay. That you finally understood what it was like to go that extra mile to protect someone you loved more than your own life, the way I always tried to protect and help you. Maybe it wasn't always the best way, but I can't help it when it comes to our family. If someone or something threatens them, I don't think. I react. I've had too or else everything gets ripped away from me before I have a chance to really appreciate it. Yet, in the end, you still went back to Katie."
Jack opened his mouth to say something but Carly was too far gone to truly see or hear him.
"Where was this great love when I tried to tell you the truth about my misdiagnosis and how scared I was that I would lose you when you found out that I wasn't really dying? Do you know what it's like to feel that the person you have given your entire soul to, is only with you out of pity? That's why I had to tell you the truth on our wedding day, Jack. Not because Brad or Katie was threatening to tell you first, but because I couldn't stand the idea of you standing at that alter and telling me you loved me all the while not meaning it as much as I did."
Carly shook her head and said, "What about after we worked together to save Parker and the closeness we had afterwards? It was you who pushed me away, Jack, not the other way around. 'Carly, last night was a mistake.' Those were the words you used to greet me that day when I was stupid enough to believe that everything had changed."
At Jack's look she laughed scornfully. "Don't look so shocked, Jack. I remember everything about that morning. And I remember it because every word that you said was like a knife in my gut. But you only remember the pain that you felt, don't you Jack? The agony that you went through having to make that decision to keep me at arm's length. Well, guess what, Jack? I grew stronger and I found my own solid ground again, but you…you just can't let me be me."
Carly shook her head again and frowned up at him.
"You want to know what that last straw was, Jack? It was that final day where we almost made love but got interrupted. Do you remember? The day I asked you to finally choose between me and Janet? Despite the words that you professed in the boat after escaping from Stenbeck or the things you said you meant in the hospital, you chose to go after her, Jack."
"I told you I wanted to be with you, Carly." Jack finally got a word in but the look of disdain she sent him stopped him cold.
"What twice, maybe three times, Jack? I told you I was scared and that pathetic display of showing me how much you 'really wanted me back' was not enough to allay those fears. How many times have I begged you; cried until I couldn't catch my breath; told you that if you only believed that we could make it work together, that it would be different. And the one time that I needed you to fight for me, to show me that you felt that by finally believing in us, like you said you did, we could really stay together for the rest of our lives? You chased after her!"
"Bob and Kim Hughes are almost at 24 years of marriage; Tom and Margo are already at 26. They've all had their problems, lord knows, but somehow they just seem to get better over time. That's what I wanted for us; that legacy of love. But you just never saw the same vision and in the end you, and you alone, chose the path you're on now. I didn't make that decision for you. You are a grown man and fully capable of making your own mistakes, just like I am capable of making mine."
Carly gestured between them, the amount of pain in her eyes ripping at Jack's soul. "And this…this would be a mistake."
Carly's voice cracked and Jack felt a tightness in his throat as he finally realized what had been happening to Carly over the past few years. It had been so easy for him to place the blame from their problems on her shoulders. But the truth was that there had been plenty of opportunities to rectify the damage that had been done and to move on, but he just hadn't been willing to compromise. And the trembling woman in front of him, who had tried so many times to stay strong only for him to come knock down her walls like a bulldozer, was proof enough of what his stubbornness had cost them both.
"Carly…" Jack finally managed to say but he trailed off, knowing that everything she said was true.
"I meant what I said when I told you that I would never love another person the way that I love you. But Lee is a good man, Jack." Carly said, bringing her outburst to a close. She knew that even though she wasn't really dating Lee, she had to let Jack know that she was serious about not being able to risk her heart again. Maybe now, after finally telling him how much he had hurt her over the years, he would finally understand. "Maybe you should go."
Jack just nodded, the tears burning his eyes and throat causing him to swallow hard.
"Tell the kids, I'll call them tonight to say goodbye. Have a good flight." Jack said, the words sounding trivial even to him as he spoke them aloud.
"Thank you." Carly whispered and followed him to the door.
Just as she opened it to let him out, he turned to her. The look in his eyes was more sincere than Carly thought she had ever seen it.
"I'm sorry, Carly. I never…God, I never wanted to hurt you. I love you."
Carly's eyes watered and she gave him a small smile.
"I know. I love you too." She said and brushed a hand over his cheek. He leaned into her touch for a moment, causing both of them to close their eyes and remember what it was like back before the war between them had truly begun.
Then there was nothing but cold air in her palm and he was gone. An immense exhaustion flowed through her veins, the likes of which Carly didn't even know existed. As cathartic as that release to Jack had been, it had left a hole in her; one that she didn't think she'd ever be able to fill.
Then as the sound of Sage's laughter and the groans of J.J. and Parker flowed to her ears, Carly felt her heart expand just that much more.
"They are the best of us, Jack." Carly said out loud, a stray tear slipping down her cheek. "And loving and protecting them with everything I have will be enough."
But even as Carly went to go call her children to get ready to pack for LA, a nagging series of thoughts pestered at her
What happened when those beautiful children went to lead lives of their own? Would it be enough then? Or once again would Carly be left with lingering dreams of how things could have been?