Regrets
Alex felt like she was a permanent resident of the hospital waiting room. She knew the number of tiles on the floor (56 full tiles, 15 half tiles). She could tell you the change of shift times. The nurses from the ICU all knew her name and when possible, would let her stay beyond visiting hours, holding Olivia's hand . She was turning into a fixture, like a lamp, or another one of the beat up magazines from five years ago, of which she had read, and re-read all of them.
Elliot had finally dragged her out of the waiting room after a week. He convinced her that she would be far more help if she was coherent, instead of nodding off in a chair like she had been. In his house, she crashed into his daughter's bed. In a room that was too pink and purple for her liking. It made her feel outside like the little girl she felt like inside.
She stared at the ceiling felt guilty for not being at the hospital.
There was a world of things she felt guilty for.
She felt guilty because she was not the one hurt. She would switch places with Olivia in a minute. The physical consequences of Olivia's injuries weren't clear yet, but none of them boded well for her career. No one would make promises but neither of them was stupid. Olivia knew her body well and Alex could see the haunting fear that was in her eyes.
She would do anything to see the pain wiped off Olivia's face every time she moved. She would do anything to make it stop. Olivia was brave. She was the bravest woman Alex had ever known, but to see the tears of pain form in Olivia's eyes crushed Alex. The pain had to be mind numbing for Olivia to shed tears. It made her sick to think about it.
She felt guilty because that night, before Olivia had left, when they said their "I love you's," she hadn't turned her head away from the TV. She had been sucked into the cooking channel, something Liv called "food porn". She had kissed Olivia absently over the couch, because Liv was late, and she was distracted. Like always, Olivia was searching for some piece of clothing she swore had been "right there" only moments before. She rolled her eyes while Olivia shouted to her from the other room.
"Did you check the drawer?" She yelled back.
"It's not there." Was the impatient reply
"Did you check?"
"Yes!" came the impatient response.
"Check the drawer, Liv!"
"Oh, found it! Never mind! Thanks Babe!" She yelled back as Alex heard the drawer slam shut.
Alex sighed. She felt guilty she hadn't gotten up to look herself.
She felt guilty that she hadn't kissed Olivia and told her how adorable it was that she could be so forgetful at home but so sharp at work. She felt guilty that even though sometimes it exasperated her, it was one of Olivia's endearing features and she had never told Olivia that. She felt guilty because the reason Liv was running late that day was because they had been making love. She felt guilty because the last time they had made love, Olivia had made it all about her. She felt guilty for being selfish. She felt guilty because Olivia wasn't.
She felt guilty because her last thought of Olivia before she had picked up the phone had been, "I hate you." She felt guilty because she would do anything in the world to change that thought, and take that moment back.
She felt guilty because if she could turn back time she would pick up Olivia's shoes every day for the rest of time and never complain again if she could take away those last five minutes.
She felt guilty because she took comfort in Elliot. She felt guilty because she had let him support her, and she felt guilty that she was in his house, taking advantage of his time. She felt guilty for needing someone to support her. She felt guilty for being needy when she should be nothing but strong for someone who needed her so badly.
She felt guilty for being scared. She felt guilty for being hopeful. She felt guilty for feeling guilty. She felt guilty for a million reasons.
And those reasons flowed through her as she drifted off into a fitful sleep.
To Be Continued…