Refusals and Deceptions

"You don't understand Elliot, I can't right now," Olivia moaned. She held her hands over her eyes; her head pounding with a pain she never thought was possible. More than anything, she wanted him to leave. Elliot always pushed her. He helped her be better than she was, and he knew what her limits were. Both of them did a delicate dance with each other, pushing and prodding until both of them performed at their ultimate potential.

Today, she wanted him to stop yelling at her. She wanted everyone to stop wanting her to do things. She was exhausted, and in pain, and she didn't know anymore how to say no because it had never been something she had ever needed to do. She had always been the first one to volunteer. She had been the one to put herself out there. She had been the one who could do anything and protect anyone. She looked at Elliot and his infuriated expression, and then over at Alex and saw the heartbreak in hers. She had always been able to keep up, keep her and everyone else's equilibrium and she hated it that suddenly she suddenly felt that she couldn't.

"You know, you're not going to get out of here until you comply," Elliot said, standing in the corner of the room, staring at Olivia with challenging expression. He watched her face for signs of his challenge there. She wouldn't look at him. She wouldn't communicate to him what was wrong, and he felt himself want to push her even more.

"She doesn't have to," Alex said, quietly, holding her hand her back to Elliot, and her deep blue eyes staring down at Olivia with a worried look on her face. There was something more to this, something more than Elliot saw. She could feel it. Maybe he didn't but Olivia's refusals sent up red flags. Olivia wouldn't say it, not out loud and never to him, and maybe never to her but there was something definitely wrong.

"Come on, Alex. Stop babying her." Elliot said, angrily, looking at Alex, but saving most of his rage for Olivia. Alex turned her head and gave him a sad expression that made him feel ashamed. His anger was a tool, but Alex didn't understand. He focused back in on his target.

"She's not babying me." Olivia said. She wanted to throw things at him. She wanted him out so it would be quiet. She wanted him to shut up.

"That's what it looks like from over here." Elliot said snappishly.

"You have no idea what this is like." Olivia whined, catching herself.

"Olivia, what I know is that you are not going to get out of here unless you complete the physical therapy. Whether you want to or not. You think they're going to release you back to work if you can't walk right? The Olivia Benson I know wouldn't pull this shit. She'd be down there fighting for this."

"Maybe I'm not that same person." She said quietly.

"I can tell." Elliot said, cruelly.

"Why are you being such a dick?" Olivia asked him. She knew the answer, she didn't have to hear him say it.

"Because you're not a quitter." He could feel his blood boiling.

"I'm not quitting." Olivia said.

"You're giving up."

"You're not the one lying here." She said, regretting it almost as soon as it came out of her mouth.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Elliot knew what it meant immediately. It was her indictment. It was exactly what he suspected the whole time. That she knew, just as he did, that this whole thing, this whole accident was his fault. If he had looked, if he had stopped, if only… His anger was no longer at Olivia Benson, but at himself. Blood roared through his ears as he felt the need to pound his fist through the wall.

"Nothing Elliot."

"No, you need to tell me what it means." He said, feeling himself bear his teeth like an animal.

"Elliot, just, please." Alex said, stepping between them. Elliot glared at Olivia, but softened when he saw the distress clear on Alex's face. He felt for her—felt for her gentleness. He felt for the way she was handling what was a difficult situation and handling it as well as she was.

"Fine," Elliot fumed. "You call me when she grows up." Elliot said, looking at Alex with sympathetic eyes. He turned around and stormed out of the room.

Alex turned around and walked slowly back over to Olivia's bed. She slid herself up onto the bed, next to her girlfriend. "What's wrong sweetie?"

"Nothing, Al." Olivia said, quietly. Alex could see the anger flash behind Olivia's eyes, but just as quickly as it was there, she could see it disappear. Almost immediately, Alex could see tears threatening to form in the corner of Olivia's eyes. She had seen her fight with Elliot a million times before. Both of them could act like overgrown children--breaking down into shouting matches and name calling. Never once had she seen Elliot make Olivia cry.

"There's something wrong, Liv. This isn't like you. Please talk to me."

"I'm not me anymore." She said quietly. Olivia took a deep breath. She looked into Alex's blue eyes. She didn't want to hurt her anymore. Olivia could see the disappointment that was there. She could see Alex's hurt each time she failed. Everything had been going so well. "It hurts," she whispered.

"I know, sweetheart." She said, quietly. "But this therapy, you need it to keep you strong." Alex said with a sad smile. She knew what it meant for Olivia to admit weakness. She leaned over and kissed her cheek.

"No, Alex. Not the physical therapy."

"What?"

"My head," She said, rubbing her eyes. "It's, it, hurts so bad. It's like the worst headache I've ever had."

"Liv, how long as this been happening?"

"Since yesterday?"

"Why didn't you say anything?" Alex asked. She couldn't help but keep the scolding tone out of her voice, even though she regretted it immediately.

"I thought it would stop." Olivia shrugged, as if that explained everything.

"Olivia," she said with an exasperated sigh. "You can't do that. You have to be honest. We have to have the doctor…"

"Alex," Olivia said, quietly, "I just want to get out of here. I want to go home."

"I want you to come home, but I want you to come home healthy." Alex said.

"That's overrated," Olivia moaned. "Can't you just get me some painkillers or something?"

"Yeah, Liv. I'll just walk out to the nurse's station and ask them for a big handful of Demerol. And when they ask me why, I'll just say they're for?" Alex hated the sarcasm in her voice, but she also hated the ambivalence in Olivia's.

Killing pain?" Olivia offered.

While Olivia laid asleep in her bed, Alex would sit next to her googiling possible outcomes for people who were involved in car accidents like hers. She had found horror stories—from people who never woke up, to people who functioned fine for awhile and then died spontaneously. Every single moment she stared into Olivia's chestnut eyes she wondered what was going to happen next. Was this the moment that a blood clot deep in her vein would rocket forward and lodge itself in her brain, taking her forever? Could she be the one who had a spontaneous brain bleed? What if she was misdiagnosed? The TV played shows constantly about people with horrible conditions, and she was so afraid that their search, her new life with Olivia, would always start with the night of the accident.

"You know you can be impossible." Alex sighed. "You need to have a doctor evaluate you. And you need to complete your P.T. And…"

"Okay, okay, can you just help?" Olivia asked, the tears returning to the corners of her eyes.

"Yeah, of course." Alex said. "I'll do anything." And Alex, absolutely, 100%, truly meant anything.

To Be Continued…