Chasing Answers

Elliot was on a slow mission to find Alex. Olivia had told him that she had said that she was going to grab food, and he had a pretty good idea of where. Olivia had told him that she was worried about Alex. Olivia told him that everything was going to be okay but that Alex wasn't happy with that and she didn't understand why.

They talked about work, only for a few minutes. He could see her salivating for details. Everything he gave her only made her seem more agitated to be lying in a hospital bed. Without work, their conversation fell into an easy silence, as they both took comfort in sitting together. With a sigh, Olivia finally asked him to go look for Alex.

Olivia was sure Alex had left to cry, something that she hated because for the first time in their relationship Olivia couldn't chase after her to give her the comfort and love she was so used to providing, even when she ran away. She felt so restricted, and when she was supposed to be there, she couldn't be, no matter how much she wanted to. She was always waiting for Alex to come back after finding her own comfort in the world.

Looking ahead, Elliot saw Alex leaning against the wall of a building right across the street from the hospital entrance. The tiny Italian place that she been living out of was overflowing, and he couldn't decide if she had actually gone in, or was waiting for the lines to die down before even attempting an approach. She didn't look like she was in any kind of hurry either way.

She was wearing sun glasses even though it was a dark gloomy day. He had noticed that she had been wearing them more and more recently and he wondered why, but never asked. He walked to her slowly, trying to give her time to recognize that he was getting closer. "Fancy meeting you here," Elliot smiled at her.

"How'd you know where I was?" Alex asked her head straight ahead into the street in front of her.

"Olivia told me. You afraid of the sun?"

Alex looked at him baffled.

"The glasses?" He said, "It's, uh, not very bright out here."

"Oh." She slowly pushed them off her eyes and looked at him. He could see the puffy redness of her eyes and he knew immediately why she was wearing them—to cover the tears.

"So, Liv said you were getting dinner." He continued, as though he didn't notice. Alex averted his eyes, knowing full well that he did notice.

"Waiting for it," Alex said, absently leaning against the wall.

"Outside? Isn't it a little cold?" Elliot asked, rubbing his hands together.

"Maybe." Alex said inhaling the freezing air into her lungs and watching her breath curl into the air. She liked the feeling. It made her feel real.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing Elliot." She said barely whispering.

"Alex."

"It's fine."

"Guess who you sound like now." He alleged, leaning against the wall next to her.

Alex took a deep breath and let it out. "She's been lying to me." Alex said intent on watching the air curl from her lips.

"About what?" Elliot asked.

"She'd been getting these headaches. She wasn't going to tell anyone."

"She thinks she can handle anything." Elliot said quietly. Olivia had told him the story.

"That's fine, El. She can handle anything. She wins."

"Obviously we both know that's not true." Elliot said quietly.

"What if that pain had been a blood clot that had ruptured and killed her, and she had all that pain and just didn't tell anyone?" She demanded.

"It wasn't."

"I know that now." Alex said. "But how would I have lived with myself if it was and knowing I stood by her every day and didn't see it."

"You're not an x-ray machine Alex." Elliot shrugged.

"But I'm supposed to love her. I'm supposed to be able to help her. And I can't. I look at her every day and I see the pain there, and I'm supposed to pretend that it's not there and smile. If I ask about it, she goes nuts."

"That's Olivia."

"I can't do it, though. I can't pretend that it didn't happen. I can't ignore the stitches and the bruises, because every time I see them I remember how close I was to losing her."

"Alex, you can't think about it that way.

"I can't help but think of it that way." Alex said, pushing the dark glasses back over her eyes as the tears started to form in them. "I wake up in the middle of the night, and reach for her, and she's not there, and I remember your voice telling me there was an accident, and I panic. I'm so sure she's already gone. And when I realize that she's not, I'm so grateful. I need her to be safe. I'm so scared of losing her."

"She's getting better."

"She's getting better without me. Without trusting me."

He threw his arm around her. "Loving Olivia isn't easy, Alex. Believe me."

"Love never is."

"You fell in love with someone who's fiercely independent. She's like, I don't know, a wounded bear right now. Sometimes you're going to be able to help and sometimes she's going to lash out at you."

Alex looked at him, and back at the street. "Why are you here?" Alex asked him, suddenly.

"Because, I care about you guys." Elliot shrugged at her.

"No, you care about her."

"Alex, look. We've become friends, right? And, in the hospital, I guess I just realized how much we have in common. There's no reason we can't support each other. Both of us are going through the same thing, kind of. We love her differently, but both of us need someone to talk to. I just thought, well, I thought I'd offer to listen if you wanted, knowing ultimately we both want the same thing."

"That's sweet Elliot." Alex said with a light smile.

"So, just, hang in there." He said, scolding himself for sounding cheesy. He looked at her and with his thumbs wiped the tears away that had snaked down her cheeks before hugging her tight to his chest.

To Be Continued…