The Shower Scene

"Are you sure you really want to do this?"

"It's you or them. I would really rather it be you. And I really, really want this shower."

"Are you sure?"

"Allie."

Alex sighed. She couldn't Olivia's whine but she also desperately didn't want to do this. That's why there were professional's here. But she had let Olivia talk her into helping her and the nurses had actually okayed it. "Come on," she said, letting Olivia sling her arm around her shoulders, while she grabbed a crutch with the other arm.

Alex had been amazed how quickly they had moved Olivia out of bed. The morning after the surgery that had left her abdomen with an ugly eight inch zipper of stitches and staples, they had her sitting up. A physical therapist had been there working on bending her knee the night after her second surgery to fix the torn ligaments and stabilize the bone in her right leg. That night was the first time she had actually seen Olivia cry—the pain written on her face, she had squeezed Alex's hand. She had seen Olivia trying to wipe away tears, but she had let them fall as the physical therapist forced her knee to bend.

It was also the first time Olivia asked Alex to leave. As much as she wanted to, or as much as Alex wanted her to, Olivia couldn't share those moments with her. Her strength, her own self image, relied on staying strong and when Olivia had sent her out of the room, Alex had at first fought. The physical therapist had made her go, though. When she had been allowed back, she looked into Olivia's eyes and asked why, but Olivia wouldn't talk about it. She pretended to be happy and that everything was all right. Alex absolutely hated it when she acted like that, but she went along with it, willing to make peace for Olivia's sake.

The crutches that had come had been a mixed blessing. Olivia's mood had definitely improved since she could move herself around but she had no fear. Olivia was not afraid to be a daredevil and had more than once had gotten herself into a position she couldn't get herself out of. She wanted to be normal, and she refused to listen to her body when it begged her to stop. She had nearly fallen, and though Alex had been there to catch her, but now every time Olivia tried another daring stunt, Alex felt her heart in her throat.

Olivia talked about nothing else but leaving the hospital. She begged and begged and begged non-stop. The doctor's talked to her, explaining that she needed the extra time in the hospital to heal. The doctor's told her that because of the number of her open incisions and because of the extra needed physical therapy, she would be there longer than her own record time of ten minutes. Every time they said no, she was determined to go home sooner. And then the headaches had started and they demanded observation time. Olivia was going nuts.

Finally, they had given her a concession. She could take a shower with help. Immediately, Olivia latched onto the idea that Alex would do it with her. She hated the fact that the nurses were involved in everything in her life. If the nursing staff let Olivia decide, she would lick her own wounds in the corner and growl at them every time they came close.

She had begged Alex. Begged her. At first, Alex laughed at her. Then, she started to say maybe. Now, she was standing in front of Olivia with a bathing suit with a bathrobe wrapped around her like a life vest. It was her minimum requirements. She wasn't going to walk around naked. End of discussion.

"You don't want them to think you're going to get lucky in there."

"No one's getting lucky in there." Alex said with a stern face. Olivia smiled. She put her arm around Alex's shoulder, and Alex leaned hard into her. "Be careful," Alex said to her.

"I know," Olivia complained, blowing a strand of hair out of her eyes. Olivia focused on her balance. The pain in her stomach was intense. Every movement reminded her that someone had been in there poking around at her guts. As long as she could stay off her leg and she could keep her focus the pain wasn't so bad. She let Alex lead her into the bathroom, and happily sat down on the little shower stool that had been left there for her. Alex threw her bathrobe onto the sink and Olivia smiled.

"Where've you been all my life, sexy?" She asked, reaching out for Alex and pulling her body into her reach. Alex, temporarily off balance, yelped.

"Be careful!" Alex warned. Olivia rolled her eyes, and let Alex go. "I'm, I, sorry Liv. I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't, Alex. I'm not fragile."

Alex looked down at her girlfriend's body which was marked with stitches. She certainly looked fragile. Ugly bruises covered her body, not to mention the ugly red surgical incisions. It scared her. Every time she saw them it reminded her of how close she had been to losing Olivia. This was the first time she had seen them all, head to toe, and it looked like so many. Olivia had been crushed. Her body had literally been crushed.

Olivia sat pretending to be oblivious to Alex's stare. Alex had brought her real clothes to put on, and she was so happy to know that she was finally going to shed the gown she hated. Slowly, she leaned over sucking in the pain and ripped open the splint on her knee, throwing it to the side. The sound of it made Alex shiver.

"Liv, be careful." She warned, looking at the angry stitches that ran down the inside of her knee and her leg. It was still swollen and looked painful.

"I know what I'm doing Alex." Olivia sighed. She could almost bend her knee half way. She did it and stared at it. She could see the look in Alex's eyes and she hated it. She knew that she could handle it. She hated the pity she could see there.

"I don't think you're supposed to touch that." Alex said, as Olivia started picking between the stitches on her abdomen.

"Alex." She sighed. "Just turn the shower on." Alex sighed just as loudly and turned on the water. She adjusted it and turned around to face Olivia, only to see her picking at her stitches again.

"Liv, please. I don't want anything to happen."

"You are not helping." Olivia said, harshly as she grabbed the water spray from Alex, and doused her head. Alex sighed and picked up shampoo, rubbing it in her hands and then through Olivia's brown hair. "That feels so good," Olivia moaned.

Alex smiled. "Never thought shampoo could make you make that sound."

"Wait till you go without it."

"I thought we both were." Alex smiled at the double entendre.

"That's a whole different story babe. And you know, you don't have to…" Olivia smiled, wagging her eyebrow.

Alex rinsed shampoo from Olivia's hair. "No, Olivia." She said, firmly. "In and out."

Olivia frowned at her, but didn't reply. Alex could feel Olivia's shoulders relaxing as she let the hot water pound against them. Slowly, Alex took a washcloth and rubbed it over Olivia's badly bruised back.

"Harder." Olivia begged.

"Liv," Alex warned her.

"Please Allie." Olivia whined.

"Liv, you have bruises here. I don't want to hurt you."

"I know, Alex. I'm not stupid. I'll stop you."

"Olivia, come on. I really don't want to hurt you."

"You have a funny way of showing it." Olivia mumbled under her breath.

"Olivia."

"Alexandra." She said back in a mocking voice.

"What's your problem?" Alex asked her.

"You are." Olivia answered sharply.

"What?"

"Stop treating me like I'm going to break."

"I'm not." Alex said, surprise registering on her face.

"Yes, you are Alex."

"You have serious injuries. I don't want to make anything worse."

Olivia snatched the washcloth out of Alex's hand. "You're making this worse." Olivia grumbled.

"What?"

"Us."

"What?"

"Can't you hear Alex?" Olivia started to yell.

"Olivia," she whispered in a hushed tone.

"I am not a baby."

"I know, Liv, please," Alex said, desperately.

There was a knock at the door, "Is everything okay in there?"

"Yeah," Alex answered.

"No," Olivia answered in unison.

"Olivia." Alex scolded.

"Alex." Olivia mocked.

"Ladies?" The nurse called.

"You afraid they're going to hear." Olivia said, pointing out the door.

"I don't want to fight with you." Alex said, trying to remain calm.

"How noble." Olivia quipped.

"We're fine," Alex yelled to the nurse. Alex bit down on her lip. She didn't say anything else. "Fine, do it."

"What?"

"Whatever you want." She crossed her arms and leaned into the wall. She watched as Olivia struggled.

Alex didn't want to let the tears fall in front of Olivia--the tears she promised never to shed in front of her. She stepped out of the shower and dried herself off. She turned and waited for Olivia to say something. She watched as Olivia pushed herself off the seat, balancing precariously on one leg. She wanted to reach for her, to hold her up, but she didn't. She stayed back. Olivia turned to her and glared.

She blew her breath through her mouth. "Can you help me." She said rather than asked.

"To?"

"Get dressed." Olivia said.

"Tell me what you want me to do," Alex sighed. Carefully following Olivia's direction, she managed to get her back to bed, but the gnawing feelings didn't leave her. She felt so incompetent, like such a failure. Every time these fights happened, which was more and more often, she hated to admit, she was left with the deep sense of guilt. There was so much pain inside of her; she didn't know what to do with it or where to put it. No matter how many times she reached out or how many times she tried, it didn't work. She needed to talk, she needed someone who understood, and she knew just who that was.

To Be Continued…