Infidel

"Alex?" She heard Elliot's voice after a soft knock on her office door. She pushed the tears out of her eyes, and leaned back into her chair.

"Elliot, sorry, hi." She said, turning to face him.

"Are you all right?" Elliot asked. He took a long look at her. He could see the red in her eyes. He could also see the exhaustion on her face. He could see the unhappiness. He could see the stress. He walked around the desk and leaned against her desk.

"Yeah, why" She asked suspiciously, knowing that whatever brought him to her office wasn't going to be work related.

"Liv called me. Said you didn't go home last night." He said, absently, staring down at her desk blotter.

"Oh." She said quietly.

"She's really worried about you."

"Yeah." Alex sighed.

"She wanted me to come find you."

"Didn't want to find me herself?"

"Nah, I took her to the ER after you called. They gave her some drugs that made her kind of loopy. We were there for awhile, just got her into bed a couple of hours ago. She'd be here, but she's a little out of it."

"She went for you?" Alex said, shaking her head.

"No, she went for you." Elliot said.

"Ha." Alex said, rolling her eyes at him. "Thanks though," Alex said, leaning back into her chair. Without meaning to, she started rubbing her aching temples. Between fighting in court and fighting with Olivia, she was exhausted. She had spent the night in her office working. It had kept her mind on something that wasn't her. It was her safety and she knew that as long as she could keep doing it, she would be okay.

"Alex?" Elliot said, standing and leaning over her chair. He put his hands on her shoulder and started to rub the tension out of her neck. "Jesus Alex, you're tense."

"Really?" She asked, not surprised but not fully realizing how stressed out she was until Elliot's hands started working into her neck muscles.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes." She said quickly.

"Really?" He asked.

"Elliot, I, I love her so much, but she's so angry. She hates me for wanting her to heal. She hates me for holding her back, but she's not making good decisions. I hate saying she's not the same but she's not the same."

"I know," he said quietly.

"She wants to ignore this stuff. She goes between having these horrible headaches that she won't treat and wanting to do things that she's absolutely not ready for…and there's no time between them. I don't know whether to comfort her or kick her."

"I know, Alex."

"I just want her to be happy. But I can't live through watching her lie unconscious in a hospital bed again." The tears started to flow from her eyes. She couldn't stop them even though she wanted them desperately to stop. Elliot had seen them too many times in her eyes.

"Alex," he said, reaching his hand out to her.

"Elliot, she's miserable with me. I just broke down. I promised myself that I wouldn't cry in front of her. That I would be strong and brave for her. And I couldn't do it. I fell apart." She stammered and reached into his arms, letting him hug her close. She felt strength in his arms. The same strength she used to feel in Olivia's. The strength that she longed for that she no longer found there.

"I think she needed to see you like that. I don't think she's actually miserable."

"Yes she is Elliot."

"She's frustrated that she doesn't have the life she had. She wants it all to be normal, and it's not."

She leaned her head into his chest. She felt protected by him, the same safe feeling she had felt so many times before when he had stopped her tears. "I don't know what to do Elliot."

"You've got to believe in her, Alex." He said.

"I believe in her more than I believe in myself." Alex sighed.

"That's your mistake, Alex. You're very strong. You don't need to look to others to get that. And it's okay to cry."

"Thanks Elliot," she said. Taking a deep breath and a step back, she smiled at him. She put her arms on his chest and looked up. With a shake of her head, she pulled away. "Go," she said. "Make sure she doesn't decide to drive down here to get both of us."

Elliot laughed, and then turned around to look at her. "Come here," He said, pulling her to her feet giving her a hug. "It's going to be okay."

"Thanks El," she sighed, letting herself feel comfort in his warm arms.

Elliot smiled. She was so warm. So beautiful. So delicate. Elliot held her face in his hands. His blue eyes met hers and slowly, he leaned in. Their lips collided and in a quick moment, they locked together. He was her protector, her confidante, her savior. Before she could think, her back was against the wall, his hands were running up her leg. She felt him trying to deepen the kiss pushing against her. Her tongue was fighting his; his teeth too big in her mouth. This felt so good, she missed physical contact with another human, but it was so very wrong. Elliot was not the right one. "Elliot," she said breathlessly.

He didn't stop, his warm lips trailed down her neck and she heard herself moan. "Elliot," she said again, pushing him backwards. He stopped and looked at her for a second, seeing confusion in her eyes.

"Alex," he said, concern in his azure eyes.

"I can't, we can't." She stammered, staring back at him.

"I know you feel this, Alex." He said, quietly. "You want it like I do."

"I, I can't," she said, her mind racing a million miles an hour. Every instinct telling her to get away but she trusted him, she relied on him.

"That wasn't a no." He said, leaning into her. She could feel his arousal against her leg, he kissed her again and his strength held her. She let her hands reach to his face, before her brain screamed to stop.

"No," she said back, pulling away breathless.

"But Alex," he said, leaning towards her again.

She pulled her body back, walking around the desk, putting it between them. "I love her, Elliot. I love her too much."

"She treats you like shit, Alex."

"Because she's sick, El." She said, suddenly acutely aware of using his shortened name…how easily it fell from her lips.

"What if that never changes? Did you think about that Alex? What if things never get better with her?"

"I have to believe in her. Isn't that what you said to me?"

"All we ever talk about is how much she hurts you."

"She does, but that doesn't mean…"

"Have you made love to her since she got home?"

Alex stared at him open mouthed. "That's really none of your…"

"Answer it, Alex."

"No, but that's not because," Alex started to explain.

"It's not about her being hurt, Alex. That's bull shit. I've talked to her. She says you won't. Are you really afraid to hurt her or are you afraid you love me?"

"I love her." Alex said, stunned at his accusation. The idea of loving Elliot had never crossed her mind, but she was afraid of intimacy with Olivia—she was afraid of more than breaking her. She was afraid of loving someone who pushed her away so easily. It wasn't that

"And the fact that I kissed you and you kissed me back?" The guilty indictment stayed in the air. "I wasn't," She stammered while his eyes stared holes through her. Alex stopped. She thought about all the times she had come to Elliot. Was it because of Olivia hurting her or was it because of herself?

"Alex, we, we're good together." He said, interrupting her thoughts trying to convince her.

"We're good together because we both love her." She tried to clarify for herself more than him.

"But I can, I love you too." He said.

"I love you too, El, but not like that." she stopped.

"Okay, fine. You want her, I got it. Don't come back crying to me when she hurts you. Again. But," Elliot said, "the offer stands." Elliot said, looking into her eyes.

Alex looked down as he walked out of the office. She stood there, unable to comprehend what had just happened. Olivia's angry eyes flashed through her memory, and the hatred that she saw flashing there tore her heart apart. Now, she could add this to reasons that she could never be good enough. She didn't need this to add to the guilt she already felt.

Her mind raced back to the way Elliot's lips had felt on hers. They were wrong, not the way Olivia's lips caressed and played with hers. He was rough, not the way Olivia was patient and careful, letting her take her time and enjoy the moment.

She thought about how aggressive Elliot had been.

She remembered the first kiss she had with Olivia. They had gone to dinner in a little dive. It was after court and both of them were exhausted. They had walked there together, the air fraught with sexual tension. After dinner, Alex had invited Olivia to her place for coffee. They had done that before. When they had drunk the coffee and moved onto the wine, they had settled comfortably in the couch. Alex could see the whole thing as if it happened in slow motion. The way Olivia had cocked her head at her. The way she had sucked up all her courage and decided to take a chance. The way she had finaly decided to lean in to kiss Liv--the way she realized that Liv was reaching in to meet her half way. The second their lips touched, the softness, the feelings that rocked through her body. The amazing lightheaded swooning that overcame her.

Now, she had this. She sat back down at her desk and stared at the floor. For her this choice was not difficult. She knew exactly what she wanted; she only needed to decide how to go get it.

To Be Continued…