A shiver ran up my spine, not because I was cold, obviously, but because of the guilt I now felt. 'Right now, you're the only reason.' She was the only reason to be, and I let her down. She was the only reason to continue in this life. She was gone: I felt no real reason to continue. Alice would hate me now. Esme would. Everyone would. And they do. And there was nothing I could do to win back their trust. They were gone now. Forever.
It was about that time I believed it was the perfect time to visit the Volturi, yet Alice would see me. If she loved me, she'd stop me. If she didn't, she'd let me die. But then, what would happen if I didn't want to die by the time I got there? Then, they'd either kill me, or force me to join them. I wouldn't join the Volturi, even after what they did for me. For Maria and I.
That made me think, but not about the Volturi. The memories of Maria made me angry. My intentions had changed. Even if she was still alive, I wouldn't be able to join her again... Would I? Her lifestyle is so different to the one I've been trying to maintain. If I ever saw the Cullen's another time, there's no doubt that I'd kill Renesmee after Maria's lifestyle again.
No, I promised myself I would not return to Maria for obvious reasons. I wanted to remain Jasper Hale. Going back to her would make me Jasper Whitlock; Ex army officer and mass murderer. I don't want that again, but can those human temptations help me resist? I need to resist, but how? It's too difficult to decipher what I should do. The pain of even thinking about human blood is terrible. Maria and her 'League of Extraordinary Vampires' scarred me for life. Yes, I got two friends out of it, but I killed so many people, so many vampires.
Nothing can erase what happened back then, but everything can change what happens now. This decision is based wholly on me...