A/N: I decided to switch POV character for this chapter to give a different perspective that Bucky wouldn't realize on his own. And Tony's my favorite Avenger, so, I picked him. Unfortunately, since it is Tony, the tone is a little different now. Hopefully that's not too jarring.
Disclaimer: No ownership, blah blah blah...I'm just torturing poor Bucky more because I am a terrible person.
Tony doesn't even look up from his work when the lab doors swish open a second time. It's Bruce, of course. The only people coming down to the lab these days are Bruce and Bucky, and Bucky's already poking around the lab somewhere. Bucky is fascinated by most of Tony's tech and Tony is all too happy to show off his projects to someone who listens with rapt attention to all his explanations. He's sure Bucky doesn't understand half of what he says, but it doesn't seem to matter.
"You're really good at this," Bucky said to him one day, with absolute sincerity. "So much better than Howard could ever be." And then he blinked, looking startled that he had spoken. "Do I even know a Howard?"
So, no, he doesn't mind at all that Bucky wants to spend the night in the lab. As far as Tony's concerned, Bucky can spend the rest of his life in the lab if he wants, marveling over everything Tony makes. Bucky's surprisingly gentle when he handles Tony's tech so he doesn't even have to worry about him accidentally breaking something. And if he does break something, Tony can always build another one.
He's sure he can even rebuild the cot Bruce settled into an alcove in the lab for power naps. He's heard about Bucky's nightmares and he will probably trash the cot with his metal arm if he decides to sleep in it.
But he probably won't. He's been restless lately.
Dimly, he realizes that Bruce has been standing in the doorway for the past fifteen minutes, maybe longer. He glances up from the pile of parts and frowns. Bruce is pale and his eyes are staring into the distance.
"Uh, Bruce?" Tony says. "Hey, buddy, what are you looking at? You're scaring me, you know."
"Oh, shit," Bruce says.
Tony turns to follow Bruce's gaze. Bucky is sitting in the chair, eyes wide with fear and his whole body trembling like a leaf.
Shit doesn't even begin to cover it.
"Fix me," Bucky says quietly. "I don't want to be broken anymore."
Bruce squeezes his eyes shut. "Bucky, you don't understand-"
"I'll be good. I'll be so good," Bucky says in a rush. "I know you don't want to hurt me, so I'll sit still and I won't even scream. And I'll forgive you, because you're only doing what you have to do to make me better again."
"Call Steve," Bruce says. "Right now."
Bruce's knuckles are white against the countertop and he makes a desperate wheezing sound. He's either about to cry or Hulk out and Tony really doesn't want to find out which.
"No, don't call Steve," Bucky pleads. "I don't want him to see me like this."
"Neither do we," Tony shoots back. He autodials Steve's number.
Steve picks up on the third ring. "Tony, do you have any idea what time it is?" he groans.
Tony feels bad. He really does. Steve probably sleeps even less than he does these days. Maybe only a hour or two while Bucky spends time in the lab.
"I wouldn't call if it wasn't important," he says.
"What happened?" Steve demands, all traces of grogginess out of his voice. "Is Bucky okay?"
Tony glances back at Bucky, who is curled up in a ball on the chair. "Just get down here," he says.
"Please," Bucky says pitifully. "Steve wants me to get better. Do it for Steve."
"I'll be right there," Steve says, followed by a loud crash and frantic swearing.
Steve's too preoccupied to hang up the phone, Tony realizes, so he pushes the "end call" button and tucks his phone back into his pocket. "Steve's on his way," he says unnecessarily.
Bucky shuts his eyes and flinches like he's been hit. "Please," he says again, in a paper-thin voice.
Tony kneels down in front of the machine and meets Bucky's eyes. "I know what torture's like," he says.
"Tony," Bruce says warningly.
Tony ignores him. "I was holed up in a cave in Afghanistan for a couple months. It's nothing compared to what you've been through, of course. But, still, torture. And you know what? I had nightmares, too. Still do sometimes."
Bucky's eyes go wide.
"Trust me," Tony says. "There is no quick fix for this sort of thing. If there was, I would have built it already."
"But this fixes me," Bucky says, sounding a little less sure of himself now. "It's always fixed me before." He draws his knees up to his chest and stares at a spot on the floor. "Asset is unstable, asset is erratic. Erase and start over, erase, erase, erase..." He repeats it over and over again like a mantra.
Tony sighs and drops his head. They can't reason with Bucky now. He's lost in the past and they just have to wait till his mind clears.
Bucky hasn't had a major freakout like this in weeks. Tony had hoped that maybe he was past that stage now, but that was apparently just wishful thinking. He should know better. He's the one having panic attacks over something that happened six months ago.
"Captain Rogers has arrived," Jarvis announces. "He appears to have forgotten his code."
"Let him in," Tony says.
Steve rushes into the lab and then comes to a halt. His eyes darken and his jaw clenches. "How dare you," he says in a low voice. "I trusted you to take care of him."
Tony scrambles backward as Steve advances on him. "Hey, it's us, remember? We're the good guys."
"I thought you were," Steve says. "But if you're just going to make him relive all the horrible things that have been done to him, I'm not so sure anymore."
Steve levels him with a look eerily similar to the one Steve gave him at their very first meeting, the one that says Tony is the scum of the earth. And it hurts that Steve could think such awful things about him after all the time they spent fighting together. But he supposes he can't blame Steve. He created things for SHIELD that could have been used to kill him, to kill everyone. So, it's only natural that Steve doesn't trust him anymore.
"Don't be mad at him. He didn't force me," Bucky says. "I want this. I want to be better."
All the anger drains out of Steve at once. "Oh, Bucky," he says. His shoulders slump.
Bucky's brow furrows. "What's the matter? I'm volunteering. I'm making a conscious decision to get better. That's a good thing, right? Why are you so upset? What did I do this time?"
Steve takes Bucky's hand. "We're going to get you back, Buck. We're going to make you better."
Bucky nods earnestly.
"But not like this."
Bucky's face crumples. "But this is the only way I know how."
"There are other ways. Bruce and Tony are teaching them to you." Steve looks at Tony apologetically. "They say you're doing better."
It's so hard to stay mad at Steve. He couldn't blame him, really. Steve is so tired these days, isn't thinking straight anymore. Natural consequences of trying to take on the world on his own. Not that Tony would know anything about that.
"It's not enough," Bucky says, eyes welling up with tears. "I need to get better. I need to be useful again."
"You will," Steve assures him.
"But what if I don't?"
Steve has no answer for that.
"This is pointless," Bucky says. "It's all pointless. I'm never going to get better, am I? Maybe you should have killed me when you had the chance. Put me out of my misery." He shoves at Steve, overbalances and topples over sideways out of the chair.
Steve catches him and eases him to the ground. Bucky clings to Steve's shoulders and sobs into his shirt, great heaving sobs that wrack his whole body. Steve just cradles Bucky in his lap, murmuring to him and stroking his back.
Man, this is terrible to watch. Tony hates when people cry. Absolutely hates it. He's no good with feelings. And he's probably going to make it worse, but he needs to do something because he really can't stand to see Bucky cry.
Tony crawls over and awkwardly pats Bucky's shoulder. "You're a good kid, Bucky. That's how I know you'll be fine in the long run. Maybe not the same man you were back in the day, but you'll make it out of this."
Bruce crouches down beside Bucky. "You're making very good progress," he says. "You've come a long way from the state you were in when Steve first found you."
Tony remembers the first time Steve brought Bucky down to the lab. Bucky stood in the corner and glowered at them for the entire two hour session. It had taken a whole week before he would actually speak to anyone besides Steve.
"It's not enough," Bucky says. "I should be fighting harder to get better. I should have fought harder against Hydra in the first place. I would have never tried to kill Steve."
Bruce puts both hands on Bucky's shoulders. "This is not your fault. They made you into a mindless monster and the fact that you could break out of that is admirable."
And Bruce looks like he's going to start crying too. What a mess they are, all huddled in a teary heap on the floor.
"But I'm not getting better anymore," Bucky says disconsolately. "I haven't remembered anything else."
"No," Bruce admits. "But you didn't attack Natasha today. That's a definite improvement."
"Of course I didn't," Bucky says indignantly. "Steve was hurt and I had to make sure-oh god." He flails out of Steve's arms. "What are you doing down here? You're injured and you're supposed to be resting and healing and oh god, I hit you. I'm making it worse. I'm ruining everything."
Steve sighs and hauls Bucky back onto his lap. "I'm fine." He rolls down his sleeve to show that the angry red wounds have already started fading. "I'm not the wimpy little kid you always had to protect. It's my turn to look after you now." He looks at Tony sheepishly again. "With a little help from Bruce and Tony, of course."
"What if I never remember everything?" Bucky whispers.
"Doesn't matter." Steve strokes Bucky's hair. "You're still Bucky where it counts."
It's going to be a long road to recovery, Tony knows. Bucky's going to be upset and frustrated and they're going to have a lot more conversations that end in tears. And Steve's going to worry about him every step of the way. Tony, for one, is going to make sure he drags Bucky down to the lab more often so Steve can finally get some sleep. Because Steve can't do it all on his own. They're a team now. A fucking team. And he's just going to learn to accept that.