Chapter Fifteen: Forgiveness

I've written to Santa, but he says that I can't own any of this so…yeah. I disclaim it.

I'm sorry this took so long, but I had no internet or computer access for four days! Hope you enjoy!

I shut the door to Snape's quarters as quietly as I possibly could at four thirty in the morning. I knew I looked like hell, but the five of us had had a good time the whole night once Lily had gotten over her initial instinct of fear. When they had gotten around to asking what my alibi would be I had just shrugged it off saying I didn't have one yet. That had been at two when I was taking Remus back to the castle. Well, I had one now, an alibi that is, and I was praying super hard that I would be able to sneak into my room before he could notice. I actually had managed to get myself evidence of said alibi and I was certain it would be better for my health if Snape came to unfounded assumptions rather than the "truth".

Obviously, I don't have that sort of luck.

"So, you've decided to return," was his first statement before I'd even had time to turn around after closing the door. What made it worse was that it wasn't a question. "Do you mind telling me where you've been that you look like that?"

"Like what?" I asked, trying to see if playing stupid would get me anywhere or just get him more pissed off. It did the latter leaving me oh-for-two.

"Don't give me that." He snapped, standing up and forcing me to look at him. "Your eyes are bloodshot,"

Yeah, well sleep deprivation will do that to a person…

"No sarcastic comments to make?"

Well, if you had read my mind just then…

"Say something," he commanded.

Please, don't make me…I don't want to deal with this with you…

"Kailey, now," he said, beginning to get frustrated. "You weren't on the grounds, you weren't in Hogsmeade, or anywhere in the castle. You will tell me where you were."

"Wasn't anywhere," I muttered, trying to breath downward.

"Excuse me? How can you not be anywhere?"

"Just wasn't," I repeated. "Wanna go to bed," I added, moving towards the door and being careful not to stumble. He noticed.

"How many?" he asked, quietly and threateningly. I folded.

"Only two," I replied, not bothering to hide my breath anymore. Course one was me as Keena and that was well before midnight and the last one was only a couple minutes ago…just didn't expect it to be so strong on me…mental note: Kailey cannot hold liquor half as well as Keena…not an eighth as well…maybe less…

I was beginning to feel nauseous with all the thinking I was trying to do.

That's it…next time I need a cover story I will lie…Honestfully and truthly, lie…wait...whatever...

"Look, I'm not feelin' so good, can I seriou'ly go to bed now?" The entire room was swaying in front of me. Not a good feeling. It felt like I had just had my first drink and gone overboard. Well, duh, that was your first and I never want another…! As Kailey, at least…

"I can't believe you went to get drunk," Snape fumed, ignoring me as I winced from the height of his voice. "I cannot believe that you let that bloody woman get to you!"

"God, I'm thirteen!" I answered, not quite yelling. "Of course the bloody wench is gonna get to me! She insinu…insinuate…she said I was a freaking alcoholic and I'm not!" My head was starting to pound. I think the second goblet had been bigger than the first. That or I had a higher tolerance as Keena.

"Yes, you really showed her that you can take that sort of pressure! If something was wrong you could have just talked to me about it!"

"Nuh-uh, I couldn't've!" I argued. "Cause you are a dad."

He looked confused. "Doesn't that imply that you can talk to me?"

"Not about drinking, no! You don't know…how I was just after everything. I—I don't know how I was!" I said, jabbing a finger towards myself. "All I know is that that bitch," I pointed towards the ceiling in reference to Trelawney. "Made me want it so—so badly because she talked about it…If no one says it, I'm okay. I can be okay because I know I can. She said I couldn't and that—that means I can't." I had completely lost my train of thought and was trying to track all my thoughts down at once. Had it been only two? I wasn't so sure anymore.

"How do you know that she wasn't just saying that?" Snape asked. Maybe he'd realized I didn't know what I was saying anymore than he did.

"Because. She always hated me. From the first lesson. I changed the future and showed her up. She's a sore loser. But she's the one that knew what Volders wanted and that's why they died. So there." The floor looked very comfortable so I sat down and folded my arms.

"Kailey, what are you doing?" Clearly Snape didn't know how comfortable his own floors were.

"Sitting. I wanna go to bed now, though," I amended. I stood up wobbly and felt a sudden wave of nausea. I sprinted to the bathroom, crashing into the wall and door as I went before reaching the toilet.

"You most certainly did not drink only two," Snape said, coming from behind me and pulling my long, tangled hair back. "I'm going to have to take you to see Madame Pomfrey. Then I must go and tell Dumbledore that you have returned so that he can lock the doors..." He must have been talking to himself because I had stopped listening.

Once I had finished with the toilet, I leaned into Snape's chest.

"I don't like this part…" I muttered.

"Come on, I'll take you to Madame Pomfrey now,"

"Don't like hospitals…you've got potions…"

"Not for this, I do not," he replied, lifting me up into his arms.

"Stupid of you…living with me and not having them…"

I don't know if he responded because I blacked out after that.

The first thing I was conscious of was my pounding, aching head. The second was that my mouth tasted like a mixture of nasty potion and fire whiskey. The third was that I had no clue whatsoever as to why the first two things were occurring.

"What the hell happened?" I groaned, not entirely sure anyone was there at all.

"Ah, Ms. Snape, glad to see you've come to," I opened my eyes to see Pomfrey bustling over with a tray of potions. "Gave us all quite a scare last night, and on Christmas too! Your poor father," she tisked.

"What are you talking about? I don't remember doing anything last night," I said, rubbing my head.

"Why don't you just tell me the last thing you remember?"

I thought for a moment. "I was with everyone at dinner and then Trelawney…" I trailed off. "What did I do?" I asked in a whisper, not at all wanting to hear the answer.

"You got yourself so drunk that if your father had not brought you to me you would have had liver poisoning."

"Do you know how many was too much?"

"The house elves told us that Keena had one before she disappeared for the rest of the night. All we know is that your blood count was far above that of the legal limit for an adult wizard, much less a teenage witch." Her tone was far beyond her usual disapproving.

"I didn't mean to," I muttered.

"That does not change the fact that you did," she snapped. "You had your father running around the castle thinking that Sirius Black had kidnapped you along with the headmaster and all of the other teachers. And when anyone bothered to check, it was to find that your housemates were also missing, though they had the sense to leave a detailed explanation instead of a simple sentence saying 'Be back later, don't worry.' The dementors were on high alert and commanded to get away from you as quickly as possible if you were to be sighted and to let the headmaster know immediately. And all the while you were busy getting yourself so drunk that you don't remember a thing!"

I looked at my bed sheets not knowing how I was supposed to react to all of this, mostly because I didn't remember half of it. I remembered going to the kitchens before going to see Remus but from there on it was all blank. I couldn't remember any of it and suddenly I realized that I was frightened. What had happened after we left the school? How late had we come back? What was Lily's first time out with the three of us like? Had Sirius joined us at some point? Where did I go afterwards? How did I get back? Who in their right mind let a thirteen year old girl order anything stronger than a butterbeer in the first place?

"Take this," she ordered, thrusting a sickly smelling potion under my nose. It was a puffy looking yellow substance, but I managed to drink it all without choking on any of it. "You are to stay in bed all day today. No excuses, no complaints," she said before turning on her heel and going into her office, all but slamming the door behind her.

I stared off into space for awhile before the door to the hospital wing opened, though I didn't bother looking to see who it was, opting to keep my eyes trained on the wall across from me. There was a scraping sound as a chair was pulled over next to my bed. I sighed and closed my eyes, waiting for whoever it was to give me my next lecture. It never came. We sat there in complete silence for what felt like an hour, me with my eyes closed the entire time. Finally, I got tired of waiting.

"Are you here to stare at me or to tell me off for being such an idiot?" I asked, still with closed eyes.

"I'm not certain that either would have any sort of effect on you right now," I was surprised to hear Hermione's voice, and I noted that she sounded close to tears.

"You told McGonagall about the Firebolt?" I asked, still not looking at her.

"They haven't spoken to me since I did, except to try and find you, but we gave up once we were certain you weren't in the castle." She explained, her voice sounding even heavier. "I was just…wondering if maybe I'd done the right thing?"

I looked at her for the first time. Her eyes were swollen from crying too much and she looked miserable. "It's never wrong to worry about your friends," I stated. "Though, the broom is safe,"

"Great, so when Ron hears that I'm going to get it,"

"Probably," I muttered. "Tell me, are the other two pissed off more at me or at you?"

"Well, considering all you did was disappear for a few hours, probably more so at me," she answered, not sounding completely bitter. "Which is honestly better for you since Harry still isn't sure how angry he is with you,"

My head snapped up and I was sitting up straight and staring at her. "You think all I did last night was disappear?" I asked, unsure of what to think.

"Yes, and then you turned up and got yourself landed in here. We weren't told anything else," she answered, completely baffled. "Why? Did you do more than that?"

I blinked and then I looked away from her, staring at the wall again.

"Hermione, I don't remember what I did last night. All I remember is leaving the Great Hall and then waking up in here."

"What do you think happened? Did Black get to you or--?"

"No, nothing like that." I said quickly. I sighed heavily. "When I woke up I asked Madame Pomfrey what had happened and what was wrong. In a nut shell, I basically went out somewhere (Merlin knows where) and got so drunk that I passed out when I got back." I leaned back so I was looking at the ceiling, waiting for her to freak out on me. When she didn't, I looked over to see her reaction work its way up.

Her face was carefully blank, but I could tell she was trying to work out a way that I could have possibly just lied to her face. I raised an eyebrow at her, prompting her to give me some sort of reaction. Still nothing.

"Are you still trying to understand what I just said or do I need to explain?" I asked, frowning. I'd rather get yelled at then be given the silent treatment.

"It's just that I never thought of you as one to do that sort of thing," she answered, carefully. "Maybe…well, I still don't think that's something you would do. Is it something Keena would do?"

I couldn't help but grin. "Yeah, she's done this before, but only once, I think. See, I don't remember that either."

"Do you remember maybe why?" Hermione questioned, her curiosity getting the better of her. "Was there a reason?"

"Most definitely," I answered. "After the funeral of my—Keena's foster mother, well that was depressing, but she still had Sirius and James and Lily and Remus. But after…after Sirius and James and Lily all…left, well Remus tried his best, but I was—er, Keena, rather—was just too far in. With guilt, you know? She'd go to random pubs with either random people or completely by herself for the next, three? I think it was three years. That whole time is just a blur, really. The last time she went out, it was by herself. I guess Remus looked for her with several other friends when she didn't come home before the next afternoon. She'd passed out in the Hog's Head so when they finally thought to ask Dumbledore, he already knew where she was. Remus made her swear never to do it again."

"So that was it? You just stopped?"

"Yeah, that stuff isn't as addictive to witches as it is to wizards or muggles. That and I didn't want it again after that."

"Why not? If you were that upset…"

"Because Dumbledore threatened to keep me away from Harry." I answered immediately.

"Why would Dumbledore keep you from me?" Hermione and I looked over to the door to see Ron and Harry walking into the ward. They stopped when they reached the end of my bed. Ron sat down in the chair on the opposite side of the bed from Hermione, but Harry stayed standing.

"Not me, Keena," I answered, rubbing my head subconsciously. My headache seemed to have returned. "Years and years ago, I think you were like…uh…four? I really don't remember."

"Oh," was all he said, though he was clearly confused. "Where did you go last night, anyway?"

"Yeah, Dumbledore and Snape tore the castle apart looking for you," Ron added. "But we just used--"

"Our heads," Harry interrupted. I raised an eyebrow at him. "Y'know, trying to think of where you might've been,"

"Harry, let's not pretend I don't know about the map, okay?" I requested feeling slightly insulted that he'd tried to lie to me about something that ridiculous. I mean, honestly, Keena had helped invent the stupid thing! But he wasn't to know that. At least, not yet.

"Right, sorry," he said. "But, honestly, where were you? Is that what you and Hermione were talking about when we came in?"

"Yes," Hermione answered when I hesitated. Telling Hermione my secrets was one thing, letting Ron and Harry know all of my skeletons was another completely. "But I don't think she wants to talk about it anymore, I think she has a headache."

"You've got no idea," I muttered, facing the ceiling again. "Sucks," I added as an afterthought. "Hermione, maybe you could tell them? I don't care if you do, I'm just really tired and my head's pounding like a mile a minute,"

"Maybe we should go then," she said, standing up.

"'Kay," I replied, not bothering to protest.

"Wait, what about your escape plan?" I looked up at Ron with a raised eyebrow. "C'mon, when have you ever stayed in here without complaining? You didn't even want to be in here after the dementors and everything! Is what you did so bad that there's no point in trying to get out?"

"Yes," I answered seriously. "What I did was so bad that I don't remember any of it and all I do know is what Madame Pomfrey told me of it this morning. That's why I'm not leaving this time. Hermione can tell you the story, the whole thing, I don't care, it's that much less for me to hide."

"Ms. Snape, I can give you the rest of the hangover potion now if—oh, Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley, Ms. Granger, I'm sorry, Ms. Snape is not in any condition to entertain today," Madame Pomfrey said, looking up and realizing there were three extra people in the room.

Hermione recovered first and took a firm hold of both boys' arms and tugged them from the wing before they could truly digest what they had heard. The door slammed shut behind them and I winced as I heard a muffled yell from the other side of the door.

"Do you have any anti-idiotic potions?" I asked, accepting the sickly pink looking potion from Madame Pomfrey's hands.

"Dear, if I did no student would ever learn from a mistake." She answered.

"What about if you've already learned from said mistake but just sort of forgot about the after effects and then couldn't remember why you did what you did in the first place?"

"Then you must pick yourself up again," she replied, taking the potion back from me once I had finished it.

"Is my dad gonna come up here or am I in too much trouble for that?" I asked, coughing a little at the aftertaste of the potion. I think rotten cherry flavored medicine is the best way to describe it. "I'll understand if he's too disappointed in me, but…I want to…tell him I'm sorry for worrying him…and ruining Christmas,"

Our first Christmas together where we don't hate one another's guts and I probably ruined it…Totaled it worse than the Whomping Willow could have possibly marred Harry's broom…Damn my life sucks right now…

Madame Pomfrey gave me a look of understanding but said nothing before heading back into her office.

I laid back down in silence again for a long while before I heard the door open once more. I closed my eyes. I decided that if whoever it was thought I was asleep they might just let me sit in silence so that they didn't yell too loudly. I listened as they stopped at the foot of my bed. Their footsteps sounded familiar, but I hadn't had to rely on my ears in so long and I couldn't place who it was.

"If you don't want to talk to me all you need to do is tell me and I'll leave,"

I opened my eyes in surprise at the sound of Harry's voice. I had thought for sure that he'd be too mad at me to want to be near me. I blinked in surprise when I didn't see anyone standing there. "Just fabulous, Kailey, now you're hearing voices, a sure sign of insanity." I muttered to myself.

"Oh, the cloak," Harry appeared out of thin air at the foot of my bed and stowed the cloak inside a pocket. "Better?"

"Well, I'm not insane, now, just really confused. I thought you would be furious with me," I admitted, sitting up a little more, grateful that Harry wasn't as angry as I'd thought he'd be. My heart sped up as I anticipated the various responses he could make and I realized that I was even more of a git than I'd thought two weeks ago.

To my surprise he shook his head. "I can't be angry at you for something you don't remember. Either of you, I mean,"

"So, you're okay with the fact that I've done this before?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "You're angry with Hermione for a broomstick but you don't mind that I've passed out twice with no memory of the event from being overly drunk?"

"You didn't get drunk on purpose," he said simply. "And I'm not angry with her, just annoyed, really. What am I supposed to use for the next match?"

"The Firebolt, the next match is months away," I answered. He blinked then looked away.

"Well, we can discuss that later, and I'll apologize to her as well," he added. "But back to what you did, both times, Hermione said it was out of guilt," he took a deep breath. "She said the only reason you—er, Keena, stopped last time was because Dumbledore threatened to keep me from her…but you don't know why you did it this time. That got me thinking," he paused as if waiting for me to motion I was still following his thought process. I nodded and he continued. "I decided that this time…well this time it was really my fault. If last time Keena stopped because she couldn't see me then maybe…this time you did it because you…haven't really…or I haven't…" he trailed off.

"What?" I asked, frowning. "Harry, you're not trying to pin this on yourself, are you?"

"Never mind, I don't think my idea makes sense,"

"The only thing not making sense right now is you trying to get out of what you were trying to explain in the first place," I thought for a moment, wondering if my words had come out in the right order, but Harry was shaking his head.

"What I think I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry. I shouldn't've put that sort of guilt back onto your shoulders and I should've realized that my parents' deaths probably hurt you more than they did to me because you knew them better," he admitted sounding a little bitter. "I don't hate you, you were my first real friend and you're my best friend," he stopped. "My best girlfriend at least,"

A small smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. "You've got more than one girlfriend?" I couldn't help but say. He blushed.

"You know what I mean," he said exasperatedly.

"Yeah, I do," I answered. "Thanks, Harry, that means a lot to me," I muttered, my voice wavering a little.

"You know, you aren't supposed to cry when I apologize to you," he said, teasing me lightly, coming over to me to hand me a tissue from the bedside table.

"I'm not crying! I've got something in my eye," I defended. He looked at me with one eyebrow raised. "Fine, I'm crying, am I not allowed to get a little emotional?" I said, accepting the tissue and wiping my eyes. He patted my shoulder and sat down in the chair previously occupied by Hermione. "I'm sorry, too, for worrying you all last night and for…" I said once I had calmed down a bit.

"You don't need to say it and I forgive you, for all of it,"

That set me off again and he leaned over and pulled me into a hug, rubbing small circles on my back. Once I had calmed down (again) he handed me another tissue.

"Better?" he asked, attempting to hide his grin. I nodded, and rubbed at my eyes furiously. "Good, do you want me to try and spring you from here?"

"I still need to talk to my dad and I think it's best if I wait for him here," I answered after a moment. Harry nodded in understanding but made no move to leave.

"Get some rest, you look dead tired," he encouraged.

"You don't have to stay if you don't want,"

"I know," he replied. "Consider it me returning the favor for when Keena would come,"

"You don't have to return those favors, she's your godmother and she'll always come when you're in trouble. She won't break those promises and neither will I," I stated, leaning back into my pillow and yawning.

"I know that, but I still don't want to leave you here alone," he insisted.

I smiled, feeling very tired all of a sudden and I fell asleep within moments.

I woke up to the sound of hushed voices. Maybe my hearing is still super sensitive then…

I tested my theory out, listening to the conversation carefully, keeping my breathing even as though I were still out there in dream land.

"She's worried that you'll be furious with her for ruining Christmas," Harry was saying.

Brilliant, he's talking to my dad…

"Then she does not know me as well as I had hoped," Snape replied, sounding disappointed. "That is not why I am angry at all,"

"I don't think you should punish her," Harry blurted out. "I mean, she doesn't even remember why she did it,"

"And you think that that detail is enough to get her out of this mess?" Snape challenged.

"You'd be treating her unfairly," Harry answered, sounding frustrated.

"And you have not been treating her unjustly?" Snape replied in one of his scary-whisper-threatening voices.

"I'm trying to make up for it," Harry mumbled guiltily. That's not right…I don't want him to feel guilty…

"What are you willing to give for making her miserable?" Snape asked bluntly. "Perhaps it will impact her punishment,"

"I'll take on what she would be taking," Harry answered immediately.

"Fine, you will take two of her four weeks of detention. Both of you will report to my office starting the first day back in term," Snape agreed. Only four…? Wow…He's not nearly as angry as I first thought… "You may go back to your dorm, now, I will watch her tonight," Snape ordered, though he sounded gentler than before.

I listened closely as Harry's footsteps carried him away and the door to the wing opened and closed.

"You may open your eyes now," Snape said quietly. I obeyed and sat up a little bit more in the bed.

"How come you let him take two of the weeks?" I asked immediately.

"I was only going to give you two in the first place and I couldn't very well only give you one," he explained. "He seemed determined so now you have someone to assist you in your task,"

"And what will my task be?" I asked, neutrally.

"You will see at the appointed time," Snape replied smoothly. "I am not angry with you about anything more than that you tried to lie to me," he added. "I'm disappointed that you felt that you could not come to me, but half of you is an adult so I do expect that in the future you will not make this mistake a second time,"

"Technically, it would be a third time," I said quietly. His brow furrowed. "If Remus had been in any condition last night, I'm sure that he would have told you where to look if he didn't just go strait there himself,"

"So you remember where you went?"

"There are only so many bars one can get to that don't mind serving underage witches," I replied dryly.

"And as an Auror you never shut them down?" he asked.

"Not enough solid evidence," I replied, shaking my head. "And I still don't think that Harry should have to do anything," I added.

"That was his own choice, don't blame me if he's suddenly regained his own foolish Gryffindor nobility or whatever you may wish to call it," Snape answered. "I am not concerned with that at the moment in any case; it is obvious that you two have finally made up. I am more interested in hearing about what exactly caused you to feel so poorly that you could not talk with me about it,"

I shifted in the bed uncomfortably, not entirely sure what I was going to say to him. Harry's theory was looking like a probable cause…sort of, but I still wasn't entirely certain as to what had upset me in the first place other than Trelawney.

"You still do not wish to talk with me?" he asked, looking more than a little disappointed this time.

"It's not that, it's just…I don't…I can't…remember doing this at all…and that scares me," I finished quietly, sighing and rubbing my eyes.

"Kailey, listen to me," Snape said, gently prying my hands from my eyes so I could look at him. "You know what you did was very wrong and I have trust enough in you that you will not do this again, if not because it is unhealthy than because you do not wish to place this sort of worry on others. Mr. Potter made it quite clear to me, before you woke up, that he blames himself for your excursion, and I know that you do not want that to happen to anyone again,"

"Then I suppose you know me better than I know you," I replied, keeping a yawn out of my voice.

"Get some rest," he said, sitting beside the bed.

"I've been doing nothing but sleep it off all day," I muttered, disgusted with myself. "Dementors are going to be hell the next time I see one of them," I added, groaning at the thought.

"Do not worry about that," Snape answered, dimming the lights in the room. "Sleep well, and do not fear, I won't let anything harm you," he promised. I just hoped he would keep that promise.

Okay, that's the end of this chapter! I know it's really long and full of stuff but I hope you enjoyed it anyway! Consider it an early Christmas present! (I probably won't get to update before then in any case!) And in return, perhaps a review? Up next is chapter 16!

:-D