This is inspired by a conversation about how a show about Kol snarking his siblings from the Other Side would be awesome and it made me think about how he might have reacted to our most favorite scene in 4x20.

There's not a lot to go on with Kol, unfortunately, so I had to improvise a bit, but my Kol swears a lot and tells it like it is. I had to rewatch this damn scene again, so I hope you appreciate all the pain and suffering that went into this lol.

Characters- Klaus, Elijah, Sophie, Hayley, and of course Kol

Pairing- We're not going to count the atrocity of 4x16 as a pairing, so none

Setting- During 4x20, New Orleans

Kol jovially followed his brothers into the crypt, wondering what other fun they had in store for him to watch. Klaus' posturing for Marcel had been quite amusing, but not nearly bloody enough for his tastes. Not for the first time since joining the Other Side he wished he had a bowl of popcorn. He had grown quite fond of the stuff after he was undaggered and had to agree with the cliché that eating popcorn made watching real life drama more entertaining.

He was vaguely interested in the witch plot Elijah had been going on about, Kol had always been interested in witches, after all. But he mostly hoped for someone to set Klaus off so he could enjoy the show. That blonde in Mystic Falls had softened the ill-tempered hybrid too much for Kol's liking; how was he supposed to enjoy a good brawl with Klaus bowing and scraping and trying to get into her good graces constantly? Hopefully New Orleans would prove to be more enjoyable to observe.

"Sophie Devereaux," Klaus said in an irritated tone, addressing the brunette witch Kol had seen earlier. "What is this?"

"He's all yours. Proceed," Elijah declared, coming to a halt before the witch.

Kol perched himself on a wall ledge, crossing his arms over his chest as he settled in to watch the show. "This should be good," he smirked.

Klaus looked over at his brother, the one he could still see of course, none too pleased with the situation before he finally turned to face Sophie.

"You know you're famous in this town," she said, her words a statement, not a question. Kol was impressed with her stalwart attitude, standing up to his brother like that. "Witches tell bedtime stories about the powerful vampire Klaus."

Kol groaned, as if Klaus needed a bigger head. Points off for this witch.

"We know Marcel was nothing but an orphan street rat until you made him what he is," she continued, staring at the hybrid. "And now he's out of control, he does what he wants, kills who he wants. I'm gonna stop him."

Kol was already bored with the conversation. "Cut to the chase, darling, we don't have forever," he said exasperatedly. "Well, I suppose some of us do," he added, pursing his lips in thought.

Sophie stared at the ground for a moment before she gathered her resolve and raised her head to meet Klaus' eyes again. "And you're going to help me," she declared, her voice unwavering.

Kol burst out laughing, almost falling from the ledge in his mirth. Who was this witch to think that she could make his brother do anything?

Klaus' mouth dropped open for a moment before he spoke, clearly as astounded by the witch's gall as Kol was. "This is why you brought me here?" he scoffed, turning to Elijah in annoyance.

"Hear her out," the older vampire implored, his usual stoic demeanor in place.

"I don't need to hear her out," Klaus said, holding a finger up to Elijah to silence him. "I assure you, love, there is not a thing on this Earth that would matter enough for me to waste even thirty more seconds of my time," he assured her.

"Except maybe a certain blonde," Kol added, leaning back against the wall, his laughter abated for the moment.

"Elijah what madness is this?" the hybrid demanded, turning once again to his brother.

"Klaus."

Kol whipped his head around at the new feminine voice, as did his brothers. A pretty brunette who looked familiar walked into view, followed by who Kol assumed were more witches. He watched Klaus' face carefully as the hybrid looked at the girl with minor annoyance.

"You need to listen to them," the new girl declared, another person unafraid of the lethal hybrid.

"Oh this should be good," Kol murmured.

He was proved right when Klaus started laughing at the girl. "You're all out of your minds if you think some liquor-fueled one night stand, no offense, sweetheart, means a thing to me," he yelled, turning and gesturing wildly to everyone in turn.

"Ah, so that's where I know the strumpet from," Kol said with a grin. He had watched Klaus chat with the girl, a werewolf if he remembered correctly, in their house awhile back. Thankfully he had realized where their liquor drenched talk had been headed and hightailed it out of there to spy on Rebekah instead before he saw anything unforgettable.

"Marcel may be able to keep us from practicing real magic in this town," Sophie interjected, causing Klaus to turn away from the girl and face her. "But as keepers of the balance we still know when Nature has cooked up something new," she continued. "For example, I have a special gift."

"Clearly it isn't being able to quickly get to the point," Kol complained, rolling his eyes.

"Of sensing when a girl is pregnant," the witch finished, looking intently at Klaus.

Kol furrowed his brow as he tried to make sense of the witch's words. He noticed Klaus seemed to be having the same issue.

"What?" the hybrid breathed, unwilling to accept what the witch seemed to be implying.

"I know it's impossible," the girl spoke up, causing Klaus to turn back around again.

Klaus glared at her, "What are you saying?"

"Yes, what are you saying?" Kol added, gazing suspiciously around the crypt.

"Niklaus," Elijah spoke finally, drawing everyone's attention. "The girl is carrying your child."

At his brother's words Kol's jaw dropped. "What?!" he screeched, offhandedly glad no one could hear him at that moment. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

Klaus looked like someone had ran over his favorite kitten while Elijah looked… happy?

"What the hell is wrong with you two?" Kol cried, jumping down from the ledge.

"No, it's impossible," Klaus said, finally finding his voice. "Vampires cannot procreate!"

"My thoughts exactly," Kol added, walking over to stand by Klaus.

"But werewolves can," Sophie said. "Magic made you a vampire, but you were born a werewolf."

"Are you daft?" Kol asked, wishing the witch could feel his glare. "He's dead for fuck's sake! I don't care if he was born a bloody leprechaun, he's a vampire now, well hybrid I suppose if you want to be technical. I may not have been conscious for most of the last century when your modern medicine really took off, but I'm pretty sure I know enough to say with certainty that DEAD THINGS CAN'T REPRODUCE!" he yelled, waving his arms wildly in the arm, now wishing they could hear him.

"You're the Original Hybrid, the first of your kind," the witch continued, much to Kol's annoyance. "And this pregnancy is… one of Nature's loopholes."

"Oh my fucking god!" Kol cried, raising his head to stare at the ceiling in utter disbelief. "You're not actually buying this, are you?" he asked, turning to face Klaus.

The hybrid turned an accusatory finger to the brunette girl, angrily approaching her. "You've been with someone else, admit it!" he yelled, Elijah protectively moved towards the girl ("Typical," Kol muttered).

"Hey, I've spent days held captive in a fricking alligator bayou because they think that I'm carrying some magical miracle baby, don't you think I would've fessed up if it wasn't yours?" the girl answered, not backing down an inch.

"Who the fuck does this girl think she is?" Kol asked no one in particular, not that anyone in particular would have answered him. "She's no Elena Gilbert to think she could get away with speaking to Klaus like this; or blondie even."

"My sister gave her life to perform the spell she needed to confirm this pregnancy," Sophie said passionately, clearly as unconcerned with her welfare as the supposedly pregnant girl. "Because of Jane Anne's sacrifice, the lives of this girl and her baby are now controlled by us."

Kol couldn't help the large guffaw that left his mouth. "You can't be serious!" he exclaimed, staring at the witch incredulously. "You expect us to believe that your sister died in order to become a human pregnancy test? I'm fairly certain you can pick one of those up at the local drug store, no human sacrifice required."

"If you don't help us take down Marcel, Hayley won't live long enough to see her first maternity dress," the witch finished, her voice venomous.

"Wait, what?" Hayley said, clearly not having expected that turn of events.

"Enough of this, if you want Marcel dead I'll do it myself," Elijah said; the first intelligent thing Kol had heard since entering this damned crypt.

"No! We can't, not yet," Sophie said vehemently. "We have a clear plan we need to follow and there are rules."

"You're all fucking insane!" Kol interjected. "You actually think Klaus will buy this ridiculous bull shit? I can't wait to see your heads rolling around on the floor."

"How dare you command me?" Klaus hissed, his voice low and menacing. "Threaten me! With what you wrongfully perceive to be my weaknesses! I won't hear anymore lies," he shouted, moving through the group, glaring at Elijah especially.

"Finally! The first word of sense I've heard from you all day, Nik," Kol said exasperatedly, dropping his hands to his sides.

"Niklaus," Elijah called, causing the hybrid to stop in his tracks.

"Oh no," Kol groaned, his head dropping. If anyone could derail Klaus' current sanity train it was Elijah.

Klaus turned to face his brother, looking every bit the dejected younger sibling. It made Kol sick. "Oh how the mighty have fallen, huh Nik?" he drawled as he crossed his arms.

"Listen."

Klaus turned to face the girl, Hayley, at Elijah's words, focusing his hearing. Kol did as well, pleased that he retained his vampire abilities on the Other Side. He heard the supposed baby's heartbeat, though it sounded oddly muffled to him. He watched in horror as Klaus' face took on a look of shock, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. He was clearly buying this whole thing.

"I'm surrounded by idiots," Kol concluded, looking between his brothers. "They're obviously lying to you! Do you know how hard it is to fake a heartbeat?" he asked, wishing it wasn't a useless attempt. "Not very! And it's not even a good fake! That witch probably died casting a spell to fake the pregnancy! I can't believe this, maybe Finn was the smart brother after all."

Klaus turned to face a smiling Elijah, his expression hard. "Kill her and the baby," he said in a steady voice.

Elijah merely blinked in confusion, as if he couldn't comprehend Klaus being callous.

"What do I care?" he said before making a dramatic exit.

"Now that's the Nik I know and loathe!" Kol exclaimed, raising his hands to gesture at the receding back of his brother. "At least someone is finally making sense," he said, glaring at Elijah.

His remaining brother turned to the group of women. "Let me speak with him."

"Elijah, no," Kol whined, dragging his hands down his face. "I think that tie is cutting off the circulation to your brain. Kill the girl and be done with this farce!"

Kol watched annoyed as Elijah made to follow Klaus, grumbling to himself as he begrudgingly followed after his brothers. "So help me, I will figure out some way to haunt the shit out of you two if you buy into this baby crap."