A/N: still, Thank you to beta-chan, Blackfang64
be still my heart, you will find love in her
-Iliiya
Chapter 9 - Falling
Sounds of grunts and self-cursing echoed softly in the room. A lone woman sat behind the microscope, her eye heavily focused on the slide being magnified before she switched to a new slide. Black lines could be seen running along her eyelids, signs that she had not been sleeping the last few nights. Sighing deeply, Shizuru sat back in her chair, her mind feeling exhausted from looking at the same things over and over again.
"I never thought I would see my dear apprentice looking so passionately at the microscopic cells. And here I thought the hospital had utilized great technology in medical." came a voice from the entrance. The sudden visitor then walked toward the lab table, reaching for another slide. Raising the slide above her while examining it, she hummed a cheerful tune.
"Sensei..." Shizuru's eyes turned to find Yohko standing behind her, her eyes focused on the slide she held at eye's level.
"Sometimes, just a few tests is enough to diagnose the cause." her sensei stated as a matter of fact, her.
"I've already done all kinds of tests, but none of them can detect the problem." Shizuru answered sadly, disappointed at the evidence in her tone.
"The test was accurate, but it wasn't the machine at fault, only the humans who made the test." putting aside the slide, her sensei was now looking at her.
"What do you mean, Youko-sensei?" now Shizuru was ignoring the test at hand. At that enquiry, her mentor placed a familiar file on the table.
"I've already read all of these hundreds of times already." still, Shizuru took the files.
"No, don't read them. Instead, analyse them. Look carefully. Haven't I already taught you." her mentor sighed.
Shizuru inhaled deeply, focusing her attention on the files. Grabbing the cover, she opened them and read slowly, trying to analyse each and every figure, word even letter written on them. Her finger ever so slowing tracing the symptoms trying to find any clue or hint until it stop somewhere on the strange blood count. It is unbalance.
"Sensei?" Shizuru nervously addressed her mentor.
"So, have you found out the reason?"
Shizuru could feel her heart beating fast as adrenalin was being pumped into her system. Her hands now sweating, she gulped down the lump in her throat as she clenched her hand in a fist at her side. A solemn smile graced her lips. "Early stage of agnogenic myeloid" her voice trembled in an effort to clarify her mentor's diagnose. "I... I should've known..."
"Yes, you should've known" Taking a seat, her mentor continued. "Are you sure you're fine with this patient?"
"I'm fine" but Shizuru could feel her knees weakening.
"You are obviously not fine at all. Even I can see that you are less sharp than you should be."
"How sharp should I be?" Shizuru answered sarcastically.
Her mentor didn't seem bothered by the sarcastic answer. "You should have been able to detect those on the first day that patient arrived with a simple blood test. And yet, you come to me and only after I guide you, you finally realized the cause"
"That's..." no excuse could come from her. She didn't have any excuse to clarify her fault.
"When you came to me, it obviously shows that you cannot handle this. With that said, the moment I had touched this file, it means the case is mine now." the commanding tone of her mentor was unmistaken. Her mentor was obviously disappointed at her right now.
"Yohko-sensei. Please, give me another chance, at least let me help you with monitoring the pa-" Shizuru's pleas were cut short by the mahogany-brown haired woman.
"So the prideful and arrogant Fujino is now begging me." her mentor cut her with a sneer.
"I..." Shizuru looked at her feet, feeling ashamed at what she has done.
"When the needle is guided by the heart and not the mind, one should know when to retreat. Now go back and reflect on your fault. You can only come back when you are sure you are ready" Yohko could see that her words had dug deep into Shizuru's wounded pride, as much as it pained her to do so, she knew that Shizuru would have to learn things the hard way.
It felt hard and heavy to admit, but what her mentor said was true. "Hai, sensei"
"You may go now" her mentor's fierce eyes now focused on her apprentice's face. No smile graced her lips as she ordered Shizuru to leave the place.
Silently, without another word, Shizuru dragged her heavy feet out of the room and walked back to her dormitory.
-0-0-
Upon closing the door, Shizuru stared blankly at her feet as she stopped in her tracks to continue walking into the living room. Unable to refrain anymore, she crashed onto her knees and sobbed silently. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. Her home was dark and it felt empty to her. She cried in silence, pouring her heart and sadness. Yes, she is at fault. One life could have been lost and it would've been her fault. She could've lost a life. It's all her fault. She had made a mistake in her diagnose. It's all her fault. She discharged her patient when she failed to detect the problem. It's all her fault. And when the same patient falls again, having the same attack... it's all her fault. It was all her fault...
Yet...
When she entered the room, her heart started to skip a beat. She never felt so alive, again when she felt something warm and fluttering inside her, she should've known, she never could handle the surge of emotions. She should have known, she should've ignored her heart, dismissed it and hardened her mind. She should've just treated her patient like everybody else she's faced before. She shouldn't play and flirt with her patient. She shouldn't make those gambles. She shouldn't... She shouldn't... God is being unfair towards her. God is being unfair towards Natsuki.
"Nat... su... ki..." now she don't have the right to say that name anymore. A name belonging to someone she could have killed. For her mistake, her weakness, Natsuki shouldn't have to pay for her fault.
Wiping her wet face, slowly and weakly, Shizuru walked towards the fridge and grabbed a bottle. Opening the bottle, she gulped down the liquid. Emptying it, she grab another one and repeated the process. Finding there were no more bottles in the fridge, Shizuru decide to walk toward a nearby bar.
Still, this amount of alcohol is nothing to me. I need more.
...
"Miss..." a worried bartender tapped her shoulder.
"Hick... Urgghhhh...what?" lazily, Shizuru squinted her eyes to focus her attention in her hazy mind.
"Pardon me, but we will be closing. I have called a taxi for you. You want me to help you to the car?" the concern voice of a young bartender reaching her ears. She barely heard the words spoken.
"Then... give me... hick... a bottle of tequila too." she made another request.
This amount of alcohol is still nothing to me. I need more.
"Miss, you have already had enough.."
"Don't worry... I'm... hick.. A doctor... so... I know how... hick... much I can ...hick.. tolerate"
"Okay...here you are, miss. Now, can we get you to your car?" the bartender now took her arm and guided her towards the exit.
"Yeah, sure... hick..."
The ride was silent and dark as she finally arrived back at the hospital. Paying the fee without so much as a care, she wondered back to the dorms, her movements constantly swerving side to side as she struggled to keep her balance. Reaching her dorm, Shizuru landed on her sofa. Opening the liquor bottle, again she gulped down all of it, emptying it before she finally fell asleep.
The next morning, Shizuru woke up to a side splitting headache.
"Ara...ara ara ra... I'm having a hangover" Painfully holding her head while she walked toward the fridge, she retreat a can of beer, drinking it down with ease.
A can of beer is enough to cure the hangover, ne.
Cure...
The word reminded her back to last night's event.
But, there is no cure for my heart.
No cure for my mistake...
Her eyes glanced back at the can in her hand. Hmmm... Another trip to the bar, perhaps? No... That's enough for twenty four hours already. More alcohol in my system is dangerous. I need forty eight hours to flush out the toxics. That mean's eight to ten litres of isotonic water.
"Ma... enough time for me to... reflect and ready to move forward I guess" Shizuru sigh. Maybe a trip to Kabukichou is good too. I want a soft and warm body.
That night, Shizuru walk to her regular club in Kabukichou district. A teal hair woman immediately recognized her.
"Hello, Shizuru. It's been a long time since you step inside this red district. What brings you back here?"
"Ara... Tomoe-san. Are you still... serving here?"
"I am... and will always be. You want my company? Or you want others?"
"And considering you are not an amateur anymore, how much are you charging then?"
"Haha, nice guess there." The woman just smiled at her favourite customer. "I will cost you more than thirty thousand yen for a session. What do you think?"
"I want fresh meat..."
"Still have a favourite for fresh meat, don't you, darling?"
"..."
"Hahahaha... this is hilarious. Now, if I'm not mistaken, you are not coming here for sex. Perhaps... A love problem?"
"..." now her brow twitched at the mention of the word. It's impossible for her to feel.
"Hah! Looks like I hit the nail! That's how I felt when you decided to leave me. It's painful, isn't it?" somehow a satisfied smile plastered on Tomoe's face disgusted her.
"It's none of your business." with an angry tone, Shizuru turned away to leave.
"Wait!" Tomoe grabged her wrist. "I don't charge for lending my ears for someone I love."
"You mean 'toyed with'?"
"Fufu... Okay. I admit. But it was worth it, wasn't it? Don't tell me you didn't enjoy the time we used to spend together, do you? All the wax, the cuffs and the whip... the trickling blood..."
"It was hell for me..."
"Hahaha, and I can make it heaven for you again."
"Tomoe..."
"Now, shall we retreat to a quieter place, so I can listen to you... or... serve you, if you want. It's only a matter of time before you'll be moaning and screaming my name in your orgasm."
"I need liquor."
"Will do, darling"
...
Shizuru walked slowly towards an office at the end of the hallway. The white surrounding painting is nothing new to her. Bravely, she raised her hand and knocked on the door. A voice welcoming her to open the door could be heard from the other side of the room.
"I'm expecting your visit today. But..." looking attentively at the incoming person, the woman stopped in her task, resting her reading glasses on the table before she continued. "I didn't expect you to be looking like this. Now, take a seat over there." her mentor motion at the two seated simple black sofa set in the office. That meant a really long talk with her mentor. A psychiatric session perhaps.
"Have you eaten, Shizuru?"
"Yes, sensei"
"As I can see, have you perhaps been drinking alcohol again, maybe last night? Or the night before?"
"Yes, I have. Last night, and the night before too"
"Until unconscious?"
"Yes..."
"Tell me about it. What troubles you?"
"Sensei, I..." something became stuck in her throat, stopping her from continuing. The lump felt hard to swallow. She shut her mouth in silence. After a long moment in silence, her sensei stood up from her seat and walk towards the counter.
"Do you want a glass of water?" the woman reached for a glass, filling it with mineral water before handing it over to Shizuru.
"Ookini." Shizuru slowly drank the cold water, it cold feeling was almost satisfying as it refreshed her hoarse throat.
"Like water..." her sensei began. "When we feel thirsty, we want to drink water..." taking a seat again, her sensei continued "Or is it because we need to drink water?"
"Ara, what do you mean, sensei?"
"Need and want are different things. We want to drink water because we feel thirsty, but humans need water to live, and human need to at least drink eight glasses of water every day. Now, what do you think the words 'need' or 'want' mean?
"I don't know."
"And that's why we need to know. 'Want' can never be satisfied as no matter how much we desire, our hunger for it will never be fulfilled. Whereas 'need' will always make us feel satisfied, as we do not need to over indulge in the things that make us feel good."
"How can I know if what I feel is merely want or need?"
"We had gone through this before, remember, Shizuru?" leaning back, her mentor smiled. "I still remember how you were... how long has it been? Ah, nine years already, and when was the last time you had sex?"
"This is different"
"How is it different?"
"Its breaking me apart."
"What is breaking you apart?"
"Her being sick, I have to endure all of this after how her life has treated her. And I should have known earlier not to issue her release."
"Hmm... which one is it? Is it for her to be the one receiving such a test? Or are you the one who made the fault?"
"I can't take it, anymore."
"What you can't take anymore? Tell me."
"Seeing her. I feel like I've been stabbed through my heart. I want to help her. I want her to live."
"Why?"
"Why?..."
Why?
"Is it because you want to amend your fault?"
"..."
"You do feel you want to touch her, don't you? You have an urge inside you that want to Taint her?"
"No… I won't do that. Not to her. I can never imagine myself doing that to her."
"Then... Do you have a feelings her?"
"She is my patient, of course I feel responsible for her."
"Being responsible is one thing. Now, she is not your patient. She is my patient so you don't have to feel responsible anymore. You should know, she is in good hands."
"I know."
"Setting aside those responsible feelings, I'm asking you again, do you have feelings for her?"
"I... don't know."
"Let me tell you then, my dear Shizuru." with a knowing smile, her mentor look into her apprentice's eyes directly as she lean forward "You are indeed falling for her."
"..."
"I take it from the silence, that your answer is a yes." her mentor chuckled.