I lay face-down on my bed, my tears long since run dry. It felt like a crime but I couldn't cry any more, the tears refused to fall. Although the gnawing, scratching, clawing sensation was still there right in the centre of my stomach, demanding to be felt. I have no idea what it is, but it sure is painful. It was silent. Everywhere was. My room, the hallway, the other student's rooms and even outside. Not a gust of wind, rattle of leaves, snore, creaky floorboard or footstep could be heard. It was as though the whole world had stopped; to listen and to watch and to just even try to imagine what pain we must be feeling.
By 'we' I mean Vin, Trixie and me. No-one else knew about Newton and that hurt. Not even his dad. We were the ones carrying the burden. We were the ones that failed to protect him. In fact I was. It was my job, my whole existence in INK was to fight, to protect and I failed to do that. It's all my fault. Now he's gone and I know the team hate me.
It's my fault.
This isn't real. I repeatedly said to myself. This can't be real. Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and find out this was all just one stupid dream. No, not a dream. A nightmare. A stupid, pointless, harmless little nightmare that is in no way real. Just fragments of my imagination freaking me out. Tomorrow he's going to be sitting in his usual place, speaking with his annoyingly squeaky voice that hadn't yet had a chance to deepen. He's going to crack his little smile and he's going to be so bouncy it'll drive me insane. As usual. But no matter what I told myself, I was never convinced. If this is a nightmare then why do I feel like shit? Why does it hurt so much? You can't feel pain like this in nightmares...
There was a quiet knock at my door. I tensed, but stayed silent. I heard the floorboards give a small creak as the person nervously shifted their weight from foot to foot. They knocked a second time. I ignored it. Just leave me alone! I wanted to say. But I didn't, I stayed silent. I didn't even look up as the door handle turned, I just pretended to be asleep. "Zero?" It was Vin. Of course it was Vin. It's always Vin.
"Yeah?" I gave a small sigh and raised my head, quietly moving into a sitting position. Vin silently closed the door behind him before walking over to my bed, I watched his outline all the way before I leant over my bed and tugged one of the curtains open causing a small amount of light to flood into the room.
Vin was hovering uncertainly, now unsure whether he should be here. I patted the edge of my bed, where he perched before swinging his legs over and crossing them beneath him. "I couldn't sleep." He admitted, after a lengthy silence. I just shrugged. We sat in silence for a second time. The worst kind of silence. Tense and awkward. "Look, I need to talk about it. I know you don't, you're made of steel, but not everyone is. I'm definitely not." Vin blurted out. My eyes widened and he broke. "I just can't… I don't know what to say." He whispered. "It just hurts. Really bad." He stared into his lap, but his tears did not go unnoticed.
I blinked and stifled a sob. He gave a yell, he probably though I was lurching forwards to punch him or something. I wrapped him into a hug and buried my face into his shoulder. "No-one's made of steel." I murmured. He was stiff with surprise, until he realised I wasn't hurting him, then his body relaxed and he hugged me back. Then and only then, in the comfort of Vin's arms did the tears fall once more. Both of us just hugged and cried and in that moment understood each other in a way no 'chat' could ever compare to.
After the hug we sat and talked in hush whispers, myself admitting more than I would've preferred, but still, I don't mind. I trusted Vin, now I trust him even more. Normally I would bottle everything up, I wouldn't like to tell anyone how I felt, but with Vin I just couldn't seem to keep it in. We were both feeling exactly the same, so what use was bottling it going to do?
I feel bad, we both do. Survivor's Guilt, I'm told it's called. Newton didn't even get to become a teenager and that totally sucks. I mean, the only thing suckier is having a child who bites it at eleven. Check that off the list, Newton's dad. What's more he still doesn't know. It's been around six hours- according to my clock- and he hasn't heard a peep, because we can't tell him, it would basically be like handing ourselves in to Macbeth. It would completely throw away our secret identities and sign ourselves up for death.
Anyway, things have happened. Newton's dead. We're grieving, alone, in secret, because we are INK, everything that happens stays secret. With No Exceptions. Vin has explained to me that it wasn't my fault. If anything it was Macbeth's, but he told me, he downright ordered me not to blame myself, because, I couldn't have done anything to prevent it. That being said didn't actually make me feel any better. But back in present time, Vin was getting ready to leave. Vin walked over to the door, scuffing his feet against the carpet as he did, his hands stuffed in his jeans pockets and posture aggressively poor. He opened it, made to go through but then he paused, leant in the doorway and turned back to me. "Y'know Zero, I'm always here if you need to talk."
I raised my eyes from the bed sheets pooled around my legs as I attempted to untangle them and my mouth forming a small, sad smile. "I know." I replied with a slight nod. "It was good to talk. See you tomorrow, Vin."
His eyes left my face, to be faced with the carpet. He stood there in silence for a moment, looking like he was having an inner-battle with himself and then opened his mouth to reply. "Zero, I need to tell you something. Zero I-" his voice cracked, eyes widened with surprise, shock and, disappointment? He gulped and shook his head. "I'll see you tomorrow." Back to his normal, jokey self, he gave me a small wink. "Best to at least try to get some sleep." Then he left, weaving his way through the labyrinth of corridors back to the boy's dorm.
Now, as I lie in my bed, my sheets drawn to my chin and legs stretched out I wonder why my heart flipped when he winked at me. We're friends… Best friends, I guess? I certainly wouldn't talk to anyone other than him about my emotions... I mean, there wasn't anyone else here that I could talk to, even if I wanted to and even then, I seem to be his first choice too. But then why? I don't understand it. It felt weird, alien to me. I need to ask Trixie tomorrow, she'll know why, she'll know what it is. Trixie always knows. Trixie... She'll know, if she's even able to open her mouth without crying. We need to meet in headquarters and get briefed on this. We can't allow ourselves to act any different; it will come at a cost, maybe that cost will be our lives and we can not afford to lose another agent.
Not now, not ever.
I heard the familiar sound of my door slamming shut, which thankfully awoke me from the nightmare I had been stuck in. My eyes flew open, and I took large gulps of clean air, noting that I was in fact not bound, but my feet were again tangled in my bed sheets. I allowed myself to breathe a huge sigh of relief. Vin was pressed against my door, holding it shut while someone on the other side attempted to force entry. I yawned, but smothered it with my hand and tugged at the sheets twisted around my legs. I only managed to lose my balance and fall off the bed, where I was able to pull off the sweat-soaked fabric. Gross. "Vin? What's going on?" I asked the panicking blonde-haired boy, sleepily, rubbing my eyes whilst I climbed to my feet and stumbled over to him.
"Burt's trying to kill me, there's no Soper to keep him in check now; he can do what ever he wants!" Vin exclaimed, his eyes wide as Burt pounded against my door once again. Vin gave a startled yelp as it opened a couple of centimetres before he used his body to slam it shut once again.
I rolled my eyes, but inside it was slightly worrying. I guessed I was going to have to defuse the situation. Again. I quickly jogged over to the door and hammered on the wood. "Burt! If you don't stop right now, you and your undies will be hanging from the roof. Some of us are trying to sleep!" I yelled through the door, shooting Vin a side-ways wink when the banging subsided. He gave a huge sigh of relief and collapsed against the door, shooting me a grateful smile. I swayed over to my wardrobe, paused, turned back to Vin and stared at him. "Wait outside while I change." I instructed, yanking the door open.
Vin's eyes widened again. "I'll be dead before I can take one step." He tilted his head towards the ground, looked up at me and pouted, shooting me a very good puppy-dog face. "You don't want that do you?" I gritted my teeth, trying to avoid eye contact with Vin, but I couldn't draw my eyes away. Must. Resist. Puppy-Dog eyes. Must. Stay. Strong. Mustn't. Give. In.
I groaned, he was getting good with his guilt trip and puppy dog eyes. "Fine." Then glared at him. "But if you look, I'll give you a world of pain." I paused, my lips breaking out in a small smile. "Then I'll let Burt have you." I said sweetly.
Vin looked grossed out. "Zero, you know I wouldn't." He shuddered. "I am not, like, a pervert or anything." He turned away from me and retreated to the corner, sitting down with his legs crossed beneath him, head on his knees and arms covering his face. I changed as quickly as I could, sneaking peeks at Vin to make sure he wasn't watching. He couldn't see anything, I couldn't let him. It would be too awful.
"Okay, I'm good." I said, running a comb through my hair as Vin turned around to face me. He grinned at me. I didn't smile back. My mind repeatedly drifted to how he could hide all the pain he was feeling, all underneath his breath-taking smile. My mind gave a metal jerk. Breath taking...? Okay... I'll just take that as a minor slip up, my brain must have somehow disconnected from any kind of sense I had. "Okay. Um, we gotta go to HQ and brief everyone over what happened... last night."
Vin gave an understanding nod of his head. "We can't go revealing our identities, he wouldn't want that." I bit my lip. I didn't say anything, I just nodded in agreement. "Let's go then." I grabbed my headphones and quickly pulled them on before nodding at Vin as a sign that I was ready. I lead the way to Trixie's room, politely knocked on the door and opened it when she called decent. She was fully dressed so I allowed Vin to enter. Trixie's eyes had red rims which were very obvious. You couldn't miss them. I very badly applied concealer and some foundation, attempting to cover it up. Trixie didn't seem bothered. Her eyes were listless, it was as though she hadn't noticed we were in the room. I took a step back to admire me handiwork. I smothered it more so it blended in with Trixie's skin tone, then shrugged and glanced over to Vin for advice.
He shrugged and shot me a measly thumbs-up. "Come on Trix. We need to talk." I said, sighing as I slipped my arms underneath hers and lifted her out of her seat. She was a dead weight in my arms. I groaned. "Trix, come on. You have to walk, I'm not dragging your butt up to HQ." Five minutes later I dumped Trixie in her reddish-maroon chair. She hadn't responded so I shared her weight with Vin, the both of us hauling her into the room. I collapsed next to her and snapped my fingers in her face. "Trix. Focus. On. Me." She didn't make an attempt to even glance up. I gritted my teeth, trying to suppress the wall of anger building up. "Trixie, I'm talking to you." And nothing. No reply, no movement, not even a freaking blink.
"Trix, it's okay to be sad but you have to hold yourself together. We're a team. We can handle this, you've just got to trust us." Vin gently tried to coax an answer out of her. It didn't work.
"Trixie. Pull. Yourself. Together. You can't do this to us, you're the leader so lead." I growled. "You've had your time to grieve now quit it, we need you! D'you think Newton would want this? D'you think he'd want you to starve, to become a shell of yourself?" Trixie didn't reply. I roughly shook her.
"Come on, Trix. You're always saying that keeping our identities secret is our main priority, but if we screw that up then we'd be in a whole heap of trouble." Vin was still attempting to play Good cop to my Bad cop, like in those old police shows. Although, unlike the convenient set-up in TV shows, it wasn't working in reality.
"TRIXIE! SNAP OUT OF IT!" I could feel tears building up. "You can't do this, it's selfish! We're just as sad as you are, yet we're holding it together." I exclaimed, motioning to myself and Vin, both of us by this time were barely keeping it in, showing a very bad example of holding it together. "You have to freaking hold it together! I know it hurts, but you gotta just pretend. We're managing it." I was met with silence. This 'managing it' was basically tilting on the edge of breakdown. Vin wrapped his arms around me, pulling me off her as I shook her harder. "I'm scared!" I yelled as Vin dragged me away. I wanted to hit something. It's so unfair! Trixie can't stay like this, she's the leader, the most level-headed person I know. And Newton didn't get to be a teenager! He was little and I'm sad yet I need to hold it in, but I can't do it any more. I can't hold it in. I can't always be the strong person everyone expects me to be.
Vin paused, his expression shocked with my statement. I'm Zero. I don't get scared. Well, that's all bullshit. I do get scared and I can't stay in denial forever. "I am scared and I don't know what to do. I can't lead, Trix. We need you to lead us. Just because Newton's gone it doesn't mean INK is too. We're still here and we are waiting for you." I stared up at her. "INK's main focus was to protect the students of Pinkerton from Macbeth. That hasn't changed, everyone here still needs us, they're relying on us even if they don't know it."
"Do you really want to let them down?" Vin asked. He was pulling the Guilt Trip and he was darn good at it. Almost better than me, and I'm awesome at it. "Do you want to let us down?"
Trixie blinked, but stayed silent. Inside me head I cursed. Trixie lifted her head up. "What're you doing? We're going to be late for class." My mouth dropped open. Before I'd even registered the movement Vin had wrapped us both in a hug. I buried my head in his shoulder, sighing deeply, his arms tightening around us as he just muttered under his breath. I swear I heard thank you repeated several times.
Now we've just gotta survive.
As a matter of fact, that is easier said than done.
Much easier.