Chapter 12
Mother
For once, he actually did come back soon. He came back once every few days after that. The last time I remember him coming so often was back when he was a child. However, then, he would stay for sometimes hours, late into the afternoon. Now, he comes, says hello, makes brief exchanges of small talk, and leaves. I cannot tell if this new pattern is better or worse. The hopelessness I once felt is gone now, but it is replaced by an empty feeling. Nothing seems to be there anymore. I feel no pain, at least. Yet, the flame of hope is missing as well.
Today, he comes again, but when I come up to meet him, he does not begin with his usual polite "hello". Instead, he smiles warmly at me, a grin I have not seen for months. "How about we take a walk, this time." Without another word, he places his hand in between my shoulder blades with gentle fingers. His feet move in sync to mine as I take his suggestion into effect.
"Aisling?" He inquires. "I... I'm worried about you. I've just been thinking about how upset you were." I say nothing in response. "I just want to know why. Why would you do something like that? It is not something the Aisling I know would do." I cross my arms in front of me and he drops his hand to his side.
"You just don't understand." I mutter.
"Then, tell me! Let me understand. Please, Aisling, I want to be able to help you. Obviously, something strong is driving you in this direction. I want to know what it is so I can be here to help you through it." I tense up at the sound of those final words. My feet stop and my head swishes around to a surprised Brendan.
"You were never here to begin with." I snarl at him. His lips are parted slightly, his chin dipping ever so slightly. His bushy eyebrows curve downward. He is clearly hurt by my words, but he has hurt me for so long before now, even if he did not realize it. After a long silence, Brendan sighs and returns to his fairly bright self and he starts walking forward. With a moment's hesitation, I catch up to walk by his side.
"I can't help what goes on in the abbey. I can't just abandon them to run into the forest everyday. My job as abbot is to serve them, to be their comfort, their guiding light, and their example. My uncle told me, when I was a boy, that if we serve them, they will serve our faith." Brendan explains. I don't respond. I stare down at my feet, watching one foot push off the ground, leaving space for the other. I want to find a reason for why he should be in the forest, but I can't. According to his beliefs, he is doing good work in the abbey. Would it be right to command all that attention to myself, to one mere faery?
"I think I see the problem now, Aisling." I look up at Brendan who stares down at his own feet. "You're lonely here. Aren't you, Aisling?" I almost scowl and turn back to my feet. It took him five years to come to that conclusion!? Of course, I'm lonely! I was lonely ever since he left as a boy! When he came back years ago, I thought things would go back to normal, but they never did! It would probably have been easier on my aching heart if he never returned to Kells at all! He does not read my signs of anger and, instead, keeps talking. "I see, now. This is because of me, isn't it? You go to such extremes so that I'll be drawn out into the forest to patch things up with you." I turn my head back up at him and my hair swishes in a white curtain around my head. His face is filled with kindness yet sorrow. "I think I know how to solve the problem, though." His hand reaches out in front of me with his palm facing up towards the sky. "Aisling, live in Kells with me."
I blink, processing his offer, running his words through my head. "What!?" I blurt out.
"Live in Kells with me. There's an extra room in the tower that would be perfect for you. You can come in and out of the abbey as you please and we'll see each other everyday. You'll also have the company of the other brothers and many of the villagers. You'll be loved on a daily basis and you'll always have proper care. I promise, you'll be happier there." I shake my head in both shock and denial of his offer.
"Brendan, I can't do that. I have a forest that needs me."
"The forest doesn't need you, Aisling. The forest is so vast, it can survive just fine on it's own. No amount of human intervention can hinder the growth of the forest now." I feel a slight pang in my chest, offended in a way by his words.
"I... I just can't..." I mumble under my breath, just barely loud enough for him to hear despite the two of us being the only human ears for quite a distance.
"Yes, you can. Your destiny isn't tied to the forest, Aisling. No one says you have to stay here. You can leave if you choose to." His words hang heavy in the air. Every animal, every bug is quiet, holding their breath, waiting to see if their protector, their mother, is going to finally leave. I shake my head more furiously this time. I can't leave. I have a purpose here, to be the caretaker to the forest that I could not have the luxury to possess.
"I'll allow you to think about it, Aisling. But, please, give it some serious consideration. If you need me, you know where I'll be." I don't turn around to his voice. I just stand there with my arms dangling limp at my sides and head drooped low enough that my neck starts to ache. His footsteps crunch under the first fallen leaves that is a nearly sign of the approaching autumn.