Chapter 8: The tighter the weave, the softer the feel
As the weeks passed and things settled into a routine, Cassie found that her nightmares lessened. Further, she felt much less jumpy even during the day and her thoughts seemed to wander back to that basement room not nearly as frequently. Still there were times when she heard a snatch of conversation about an attack or someone would surprise her coming around a corner when she felt her system kick and that clutch of fear rose up again. Sometimes she could still feel the hands of her tormentor upon her and she bore down, fighting back the nasty feeling of shame that came with it. Yet even though she felt she was making progress in "getting over it," there were nights where it all came slamming home again. It was on one such night that she lay, writhing and whimpering in bed, and woke to find someone sitting on the edge of the mattress shaking her arms and calling her name. She jolted straight up, tensing all the more and pushing for all it was worth against the chest of the man who was entirely too close. Gasping for breath and struggling against his firm grip, she was seconds from biting down on his hands when it set in where exactly she was.
"Wake! Cassandra, Iris, whatever your name. No one's got you!"
"God! God! Severus?" she panted, scooting back against the headboard as a light flared on at the end table. Her heart still racing, Cassie crossed her arms over her chest and stared wide-eyed as he stood. "What are you doing here?"
"I was returning your dog, yet again," he said, shifting as if he was unsure of whether to stay or go. "You screamed. And I thought for a moment...but there you were thrashing about...and you said his name. I thought I should wake you. I fear, however, that may have made it worse. My apologies. I'll leave you to--"
"No! Wait. Please, sit? Just for a minute, until I can relax again." She gestured toward the foot of the bed. Instead he summoned a chair from the corner. Lump, meanwhile, sensing that calm had been restored came in from the doorway where he'd retreated and hopped on the bed, lying down in the spot she had offered Severus.
"Usually by this point at night it's so dark. The fire's usually gone down and I can't summon a light or anything. And it helps just having someone here."
"It may be preferable, I can get one of the ladies, perhaps Minerva--"
"No! Please... honestly I'd prefer it was you. Anyone else I'd have to explain to and even then they might not understand. Besides...it kind of helps that you're a guy. It just feels a little safer and at least on some level, I like to think you understand."
Saying nothing, he instead turned to the fire and pointing his wand said, "flagransantis," causing the flames to leap back to life from the embers they had become. "And does that chase the shadows away?" He gazed back at her, eyes glittering in the firelight.
"Much better. Thank you, Severus."
They each sat silently regarding each other for a moment.
"Don't you ever want someone to talk to about it? Like everything that you've done and seen and lived through just gets to be too much for your shoulders alone and you need someone to carry it with you?"
He shifted in his seat a bit, making her afraid she'd offended him by trying to invite such a confidence. Afraid he would get up and leave, she started to speak, but instead he looked away staring at the coverlet on the bed and Lump already snoring soundly. "There are any number of times I've wanted to quit the whole charade. But I cannot. Not only because I am the only one who can accomplish many of the things I've been forced to do for the good of the Order, but because it is my duty and obligation. The difference between you and I, Cassandra, is that every foul memory and waking nightmare you are tortured by--every dreadful experience you have lived through--is, at the end of the day, nothing to do with who you are. It is not what you deserved to have happen. For me, instead they are simply retribution. Every vile thing that has ever disturbed my slumber is nothing that I did not deserve and it is my penance to carry it on my own."
"You can't possibly still blame yourself after all these years for something you didn't realize the implications of--"
"Are you mad woman?! Had I not been so weak in the first place as to find myself in the position of groveling and scraping before a murderous madman, none of this would have ever happened! Do you know how many people would still be alive?"
"Do you seriously think he would have stopped with Lily and..." she stopped, unsure if she should continue, but at the pained expression on his face, she felt it must be said. "He may have killed them regardless, simply because Pettigrew cleared the way. In fact, I'm sure he would. They were part of the resistance against him; surely that was enough. The question is how many people have lived because of the things you've done for the Order? And how many more will live because you are helping in the fight? What retribution you had for such a childish and blind mistake was covered years ago. What you've worked so hard at ever since you've done not because it is some kind of penance, but because there is plenty of good in you. Severus..." She waited a beat, until his eyes met hers, "you're the best man I know."
Almost imperceptibly, he shook his head, but she continued on, pulling the covers up to her chin. "I had plenty of lucid moments at that nasty manor house, during which any number of Death Eaters came and left. There is a vast difference between them and the man you are. You and I are more similar, I think. Both of us were used and manipulated by greedy, black-hearted men for their own ends and both of us have been left to scrape up the pieces. Whether we deserved it or not, and mind you, neither of us did, we are both damaged. But Severus, neither of us are broken. And before you protest at my supposed navet, just remember: I know all your secrets and I still believe this."
"That said," she smiled a bit, hoping for a change of subject and mood, "you do intimidate the hell out of children."
A corner of his mouth quirked with what may have been a flicker of pride. "It's a gift."
"Working with this age group, you didn't ever decide you wanted five of your own?"
"Good lord, woman," he scoffed. "Would you?"
She laughed at that. "Honestly, no, not when they're this age. I did work as an aide for a kindergarten class and they're so little and cute that I did want to take a few of them home in my pocket. Once the hormones start flowing though, all bets are off. I don't know why I wound up taking secondary ed, now that I've spent time in a classroom with that age group. Too late now I suppose."
With that, they successfully moved on to abusing some of the more notorious students, swapping tales of things they had experienced over the years. She told him the story of a classroom discussion gone wrong. In talking about the subject of deceit for a story, she had had a group of fifth graders use their mothers as a real-life example, as the women had claimed they were going church or to visit a friend's, only to go out to the clubs instead when of course their children knew better. Severus regaled her with stories of potions gone awry and students turning themselves purple by taste-testing when they shouldn't. When her eyelids finally started to droop and he left her with the roaring fire and lantern still burning on the nightstand, Cassie told herself as she drifted off to sleep that she had at least accomplished one thing that evening. She had been rewarded with a smile.