When Heath woke, memories of last night flooded back, and he felt fucking terrible. They were back to square one, after all the effort he'd put into making things right between them. And worse than that, he'd used Casey to make himself feel better, it was inexcusable. This whole situation was driving Heath crazy. Maybe there was no way to end this without hurting Casey, but for now Heath still needed to try. He pulled away from Casey and sat on the edge of the bed, gathering his thoughts and trying to decide where the fuck he would go from here. Behind him he felt Casey stir. Heath knew he had to face him but he wasn't ready for this.
"What are you doing?" Casey said lazily, "I told you before I'm not some whore..." That brought back the memory of his selfish act. Heath didn't turn to look at Casey, he couldn't, this was breaking his heart.
"I'm going for a surf," Heath said, grabbing his shorts and pulling them on. Surfing was the only normal thing he had left, and he needed normal, he needed safe.
"I'll come too," Casey said, moving to get up.
"No, that's alright," Heath told him, "you stay here, I won't be long." Heath got up and left before Casey could argue.
xxx
Heath actually did feel a little better after his surf, or at least that was until he saw that Casey was on the beach waiting for him.
"Forget your board?" Heath joked, wanting to delay the conversation he felt looming. Casey handed him his towel.
"It's dangerous surfing at this time of day you know," Casey pointed out, as Heath did a half-arsed job of drying himself, "sharks are most active at dawn and dusk." Of course he knew that, but being eaten by a shark actually didn't sound too bad at the moment.
"If only I could be so lucky." Casey looked horrified.
"Why would you say that?"
"No reason," Heath dismissed, "I'm just muckin' around."
"No you're not," Casey observed, looking at Heath as though he could see into his very soul, "you're breaking your promise, you're leaving me." Casey said it with such certainty, but Heath didn't want him to think that.
"No Case, never," Heath assured him.
"Yes you are. Things haven't been the same since Brax told us he didn't wanna see us anymore. I feel like I'm losing you both." That was the last thing Heath wanted, so he just needed to say this.
"I just think we should be brothers again." Even as he said it Heath knew it was hopeless, they'd crossed a line they could never uncross.
"It's too late for that Heath, things can never be like they were." Casey had voiced Heath's very thoughts. Heath's stupidity had ruined their relationship, things would never be right between them again. "I'm in love with you."
"You don't mean that..." Somehow Heath needed Casey to understand that this wasn't real.
"Of course I do," Casey said adamantly, "I have been for a while now, ever since my accident." That caught Heath's attention, there was something vitally important about what Casey had just said. What was it?
"Say that again."
"I. Am. In. Love. With. You." Casey said it with absolute conviction, Heath could almost believe this.
"No, no, the other part."
"I have been since my accident..." Casey said with a little less certainty.
"Your accident..." Heath repeated, because that was before...
"Yeah," Casey said with a soft smile. "Remember how Brax was? He kept pushing and pushing and trying to fix things but you didn't. You were just there when I needed you. I saw a side of you I'd never seen before. But you and Bianca finally had things sorted and I knew I'd never have a chance, but then you said you weren't happy and I knew if I ever had a chance that was it, so I kissed you, and well, you know the rest..." Heath had been wrong, so very, very wrong.
"So this isn't about making me stay?" he blurted out, suddenly needing to hear Casey say it. Casey frowned at him, considering his words and then he seemed to understand.
"Oh Heath," Casey sighed, "that's what this is about? You think I'd use sex to keep you close? What do you think I am? You come up with the dumbest ideas sometimes. Of course I want you to stay, but this is all about the fact that I'm in love with you. I haven't regretted any of the time that we've spent together since that day we kissed, and you shouldn't either. I feel like I've waited my whole life for this, I love you so much." With Casey's words Heath felt like he could breathe again. All the tension he'd been carrying since that day at the prison drained away and Heath felt steady on his axis once more. It was such an overwhelming relief to hear Casey say that he truly wanted this as much as Heath did.
"Case," Heath said, his voice full of emotion, "God it's good to hear you say that." To that Casey grinned, it was a grin that said he couldn't believe how ridiculous Heath had been and Heath had to agree.
"So," Casey said, "does this mean we can finally stop mucking around and just be together?" Somewhere in the back of his mind Heath knew that wasn't possible, but for now none of that mattered. If ever there was a time that he wanted to kiss Casey, this was it, but again they were on the damn beach and someone might see them. Oh, what the hell, it was early, there was no one around. Heath slid his arms around Casey's waist, pulled him close and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. Then he rested his forehead against Casey's, drinking in their closeness and wishing they could stay like this forever.
"I love you."
"I love you too." They shared another kiss. "But you know," Casey said, finally pulling away, "the gym isn't gonna run itself." Unfortunately, he was right; the real world would always be waiting for them.
xxx
That night as Heath lay in bed beside Casey, one thing about all this still bugged him. Why in God's name had Casey reacted the way he had to Brax's transfer?
"Heath, did you really think I was a big enough whore to use sex to stop you leaving me?" Casey asked, his thoughts once again following a similar path to Heath's.
"You tried to blow me in the prison car park, what was I 'sposed to think?"
"Oh that," Casey said sheepishly, "I just wanted something else to think about."
"And my cock was the best distraction you could come up with?"
"Shut up," Casey groaned with embarrassment.
"Are you blushing?" Heath said gleefully.
"Stop it," Casey said attempting to hide his face, "I was confused okay? Can we please never talk about it again?"
"We'll see..." Heath teased, prizing Casey's hands away from his face, he wanted to see the lovely colour dusting Casey's cheeks. Casey did his best to fight it but Heath pinned him to the bed, gripping Casey by the wrists, pressing his hands into the mattress by his head.
"Seriously though," Casey said, attempting to salvage some dignity, "I hope today has taught you a valuable lesson."
"Umm...this isn't about the shark thing again is it?"
"No," Casey frowned, "it's about you needing to talk to me. I wanna know everything that's going on in that messed up brain of yours."
"Messed up?"
"Yeah, don't even try to argue." Heath didn't, he kissed Casey instead, but Casey resisted him, not satisfied with their conversation yet.
"So you'll talk?" Would he? Heath didn't wanna lie to Casey. He let go of him and moved back. There was something that his 'messed up brain' had begun to brew, something that had the potential to solve all their problems, not just his and Casey's, but it wouldn't be easy. Was he ready to share it? "You're brooding already," Casey teased.
"No, I'm just thinking that I've really fucked things up with Brax and Ricky, I'm deciding how to fix it."
"Let me help." Heath looked into Casey's eyes, Casey held his gaze, and Heath knew it then, that they worked better as a team. Casey was right, it was all about sharing and being there for each other, no matter what.
"I will." And he meant it, after tonight Heath would never hold anything back from Casey again. Casey had obviously anticipated an argument, and was surprised when he didn't get one. Heath took advantage of it and leaned down to kiss Casey once more. In the morning he would share his idea with Casey, but for now Heath just wanted to be close to him, for them to be able to spend one content night together without the restlessness this solution would bring.