Disclaimer: I do not own or am affiliated with Divergent

Chapter 3:

"Our anxiety does not come

from thinking about the future,

but from wanting to control it."

-Kahlil Gibran

After school had ended at the Hub, I had more free time than I had known what to do with. Alexander still had his engineering job during the day, and most of my friends had applied and got accepted to internships. Something that I normally would have done too, but it had completely slipped my mind with everything that had been going on in my personal life. So I unintentionally began a new hobby- running.

It had been a warm Tuesday afternoon and I was cooped up alone in my parent's house. Everyone was busy, except for me. I tried reading, studying, going through art books, but nothing had really held my attention. My mind was buzzing. So I had decided to go for a walk near the fence.

I had just reached the end of Erudite housing district, my mind distracted with contemplations about what would happen if my parents found all my art books when I saw her. Caroline Lumley. I hadn't seen her in the months since that dinner party. She was just getting out of a car with an environmental developer. The unforgiving sunlight had lit up her beautiful features. And I remember thinking irrationally cruel things about her. And when her light blue eyes had met mine, I turned and ran.

I hadn't cared that I was still in my uniform, or that my flats were not really meant for physical activity. I just sprinted away from her and all the insecure feelings she aroused within me. And with each pump of my legs, I had felt the buzz of whirling thoughts leave my head. My lungs had burned, and my feet had blistered, but I felt free.

The next day my body had protested my impromptu run, and I knew that it would be a good idea to let my muscles recover. So I had dug through my closet looking for my exercise gear. Erudites were expected to complete at least thirty minutes of physical activity a day (not that they necessarily did). 'In order to keep the mind healthy, one must keep the body healthy' my mother would quote any time I protested leaving the library. I felt better about that now, as I pulled out exercise clothes in varying shades of blue and running shoes.

And thus my new and much healthier addiction of running had started. And once again it was partially because of Alexander Ferraris.

Thinking back I am almost disgusted at how my new hobby had begun. I hate that I felt the need to run away from Caroline. Why did I let one woman effect me so much? Sure, she may have flirted with Alexander, but I was the one that he spent his time with. I was the one he shared his passion of poetry, art and music with. And perhaps most importantly I was the one who shared his bed- not her. I should have felt more confident with myself.

But I can't deny that I am happy that I did run that day, or else I would never have discovered the endorphin high and clarity of the mind that came with it. My parents had been shocked and confused when they discovered my new habit.

"You have been acting so strange lately," my father had commented when he took in my sweaty face and running clothes.

I had explained that running was good for the body (conveniently forgetting to mention that I had vomited repeatedly after my first few runs) and help my mental stimulation. I had then prattled off a bunch of statistics that I had researched on my tablet, knowing that this interrogation was bound to happen. My father had nodded his head in intrigued passiveness, but my mother had reluctantly swallowed her scolding, choosing to pursue her lips instead.

I hadn't told Alexander about my new hobby- I had known that he would ask questions that I didn't want to answer. Insecurity was never an attractive quality, and I didn't want him to know that it was my run in with Caroline that had cause me to break out in a sprint.

When classes had resumed, I took to running at night or in the early hours of dawn. I didn't mind the dew coating my sneakers, or the crisp air shuddering through my lungs. When the harsh Chicago winter had eclipsed, I found myself in the lonely gym, feet pounding on the treadmill. The farther I had run, the quieter my mind became. I never would have viewed that as a good thing before, but it aroused a strange combination of peaceful exhilaration within me.

I had continued my dalliances with Alexander undetected. Or at least I thought they were still secret, but sometimes I felt my mother's x-ray stare on me while I was feeding her some excuse about group projects or studying. I had just been glad that she was too busy to look into any suspicions she may have been feeling.

Alexander and I had found a comfortable routine of sneaking around. I knew his schedule better than most of my friend's timetables. We would meet at his apartment and look at dramatic literature, poetry, explorations of art, before abandoning the pages and exploring each other. He would croon honeyed words from love sonnets in my ear and my heart would skip a beat.

In the winter Alexander had somehow managed to get his hands on an old- fashioned music player. He had played me pieces by famous composers, a crooked grin on his face. I hadn't had the heart to tell him that I didn't really care for the music; I only cared about the look on his face because he clearly did.

The months had passed by quickly since my sixteenth birthday. I had not really realized how greatly I had changed since that first Sociology 104 class. My friends had for the most part drifted away from me. I had found their conversation rigid and boring and they had found my experiments and radical new interests less and less charming and more childish. It had never occurred to me before that perhaps I too was rigid and boring at one point. Despite the isolation from my peers, I was the happiest I had ever been.

April had snuck up on me though.

My mother had taken time off of work to take me to the hair stylist. "I want you looking pristine for the Choosing Ceremony in two days," she had stated as she drove me to the salon. "Your hair is starting to get a bit straggly, and you inherited your father's dreadful curls!"

I had placidly let the hairstylist chemically straighten and cut an inch off my bob, leaving my hair just brushing my shoulders, but on impulse had asked her to give me side bangs instead of my usual center part. My mother's lips curled slightly downwards at the sight of the new addition to my appearance, but seeing as it wasn't anything too wild, she had kept silent. Bangs were better than curls I guess.

I spent a quiet dinner with my parents that night. Both had calmly stated that I would do well on my aptitude test the next day. I accepted it with a smile, but could not understand how anyone could achieve poor results since we were unable to prepare for it. After dinner I had feigned fatigue and then slipped out of my window and off to Alexander's apartment.

He held me naked in his arms and asked me, "Are you nervous for your test?"

I had stolen the grin from his lush lips and entangled our legs together, "No. I know exactly where I belong."

He had smiled sweetly at me before igniting my body with ecstasy.

The morning of my aptitude test I had slipped into my stiff white collard shirt and flouncy blue skirt. Just as I was pulling on my black flats, my mother opened my bedroom door. My eyes had met hers in my mirror, and I watched as she had walked forward, one hand hidden behind her back.

"Good morning," I had cautiously said, wondering if perhaps she had discovered my empty bed sometime in the night.

Instead of returning the greeting, she had pulled a simple, but elegant pair of black heels from behind her back. Only women who were full members of Erudite were allowed to wear them. My eyes had widened at the sight and the small child hidden inside of me warmed at knowing that my parents were confident in my abilities. That not only would I choose my home faction, I would also successfully complete initiation too.

"For when you pass your initiation," my mother had said, and for once her smile hadn't looked so frozen. I had gingerly taken the heels out of her hands and smiled at her thoughtfulness. "Your father wants to take you to get a pair of glasses after initiation."

I had nodded, and uttered a small "thank you," scarcely able to believe my luck.

My mother had clearly been uncomfortable with the moment we had been having, as she quickly straightened her blue blazer, and spine. "Well you best be off to school. Tardiness will not be accepted by the testers."

I sent her a cheeky smile, "I thought all the testers were Stiffs, like they would mind!" before I dashed out the door.

When I had reached the Hub I could practically feel the nervous energy tangible in the air. All of the other factions with their sixteen year old dependents had gathered in the cafeteria, eyes anxiously glancing to the unused classrooms where testing took place every year. Everyone had seemed to be vibrating with energy, and I watched with interest how each faction's dependents dealt with it.

A couple of Amity girls had a banjo out and were strumming it off tune. I had almost snorted with laughter. The Candor table had been debating policies about the factionless at an obnoxiously loud level. The Abnegations had been silent. They did not observe the room, but rather concentrated on their lunches like the rest of us were supposed to be doing. The Dauntless had been acting rougher then normal, headlocks and arm punches galore. And finally my own table was filled with low and nervous chatter.

Despite the fact that I wasn't the closest with them anymore, I had been welcomed when I slid into the seat next to Liz. I tried to tune out her boyfriend Victor spitting out every fact he had read about the aptitude test.

When both hands of the clock had hit twelve, a woman in grey Abnegation robes had entered the cafeteria and the chatter quickly died off. She began calling out names by alphabetical order instead of faction.

"Elizabeth Hastings," the woman called.

Liz had calmly stood up, but I caught the glimpse of panic in her brown eyes before she strode away.

I had stopped my observations of the people around me in favor of staring at the clock. I was staring so intensely, and lost in thoughts that I had almost missed the monotone voice call, "Lyra James."

I rose to my feet and had confidently walked to the mysterious room, ready to hear the verbal confirmation of what I had already knew- I belonged in Erudite.

My stride had faltered for a moment when I noticed the ominous medical chair in the center of a room of mirrors. I had briefly caught my eye in the mirror, and randomly noticed that I had finally lost the baby-fat from my cheeks.

"Ahem," a female had coughed.

The Stiff woman clad in her grey dress had almost blended in with the computer equipment. I had not felt bad for not noticing her, as Abnegation members never wanted to stand out.

"If you are ready," she had prompted, gesturing to the medical chair.

I spared my face one last glance, before lying down on the uncomfortable chair.

"My name is Mary. Don't worry, you'll do fine," the women said, as she handed me a vial full of green coloured liquid.

I had studied her kind features for a moment, knowing rationally that nothing would happen to me, but still not quite trusting her or the liquid. But it didn't matter- not completing the test was not an option. So I had taken a deep breath, closed my eyes, and tipped the concoction into my mouth, my tongue briefly rolling at the bitter taste.

When had I opened my eyes, I was still lying on the chair, but the Stiff, the machinery and the mirrors were missing. I had cautiously sat up, my eyes scanning the surroundings. An unpleasant feeling of unease had settled in the pit of my stomach, and I felt the hairs on my neck stand straight.

I had turned my head forward and saw that the door I had walked through to enter the room was slightly ajar, and a child's whimper along a man's malicious laughter reverberated from it.

I slid my legs off the chair, and had stood on the balls of my feet. The room flashed with darkness for a moment, and I had blinked my eyes at the radical change in light. When I reopened them there were two tables in front of me. One held an emergency phone that connected with the Dauntless justice sector and defense soldiers. The other had held a gun, its shiny metal winking my distorted reflection back at me. It looked large and dangerous.

The second that I had heard the child's scream of pain, my mind had been made up. I picked up the gun and quietly crept forward. When I had reached the door, I angled my body, so I could peek inside. My eyes squinted through the darkness, but I had recognized a child's body being crowded by a huge man.

Just as I had been contemplating turning around to grab the phone, whilst remaining silent and hidden from any other possible threats, the man had raised his hand to the child, and my mind went blank. I had thrown open the door, raised my arm and fired the gun. The man had fallen forward, a dark stain spreading on his filthy white tee shirt. As his body had made impact, the entire ground shifted.

I had suddenly been on a tiny platform, thousands of miles above the ground. The air had felt cold and thick. I had to clutch a support beam to stop a big gust of wind from blowing me off the edge. I looked down and noticed a never-ending ladder that would take me to the bottom. I had estimated that with the wind velocity and the cold it would take me three times longer than normal to climb down. Just when I had been calculating how long down was exactly; I looked beside me only to notice another person. He had midnight skin and was clad in pure white gauzy clothing.

"Nice day," he had said with a shark-like smile. "How are you going to get down?" he asked.

My green eyes had narrowed on him. "What are my options?"

He had smirked, as if he anticipated that question, "You can climb down," he said, gesturing to the ladder, "wait for someone to come get you, or…"

"Or?" I had prompted.

He tilted his head curiously at me. "Or you could jump."

My eyes had widened, and I don't know how long exactly it to me to run through the pros and cons of each option. But my mind was stuck on 'jump'. I thought back to a poem Alexander had read me.

'The sky is still… but wild edges with light

Bluish…high…tight…grey

but the branches swirl and deeply breigh

beckoning…they are beckoning

the night into night

Come wild and courageous into fading light

Tis just the beckoning beckoning… of night

My mind had replayed those words spoken in his deep playful voice. And I found my feet at the edge of the platform. Logically I had known that death would be what greeted me at the bottom. But with each inch closer to the edge I got, a sense of excitement filled me. The same way I felt when I was running. And so without another thought, I had leapt off.

My eyes had snapped open, and then squinted at the bright light shining in them. My chest heaved in greedy intakes of air as a figure had moved into my line of vision. Mary. My aptitude test.

"Congratulations on completing your aptitude test," Mary had said, a quaint smile on her rather pretty lips.

"My results?" I immediately questioned, holding my breath.

"The aptitude test is designed to put you in different scenarios in order to eliminate factions, until you only have one left- the faction that you are best suited for," Mary explained.

I had nodded impatiently. Any other time I would have found the logistics behind the test fascinating, but not then. All I had wanted to know was my results. "I belong in Erudite, right?"

Mary's expression had become slightly hesitant. "Actually, your decisions in the test resulted in one faction and one faction only."

My heart had felt heavy in my chest. "And that faction is?"

"Dauntless."

I remained silent for an immeasurable amount of time, until finally, I stood up from the chair and slowly walked out of the room, not even thanking her. My feet felt like lead, my heart was hammering in my chest, and I felt tears prickle in my eyes.

And now as I stand here, just outside of the testing room door, Mary's soft voice echoing 'Dauntless' in my ears I can see it. I can see the exact moments that my inquisitiveness had turned to daring. That first moment when I crossed the line. And it was all because of Alexander Ferraris. Did I love him or hate him for this?

I was so lost in the chaos that was mind current state of mind, that I jumped when I heard the worried male voice question, "Miss, are you alright?"

A young boy in Abnegation robes stood staring at me, his brows puckered in concern.

"I'm fine," I snapped, and then winced at his taken aback expression. I was not normally so hostile with others, but my mind didn't have any space for niceties and I had had enough of Stiffs witnessing my moments of weakness. "Thanks for your concern," I muttered as I pushed past him and rushed out of the halls.

I was intent on walking home, giving myself time to process what the hell I was going to do, when I heard a voice call, 'Lyra!'

I turned and saw Liz's heart shaped face leaning out the window of a bus. She was waving at me to join her. I sighed, not at all in the mood for company, but now that I had been spotted, I couldn't just ignore her. So I stepped onto the bus just as the doors were closing, and pushed my way through people until I reached her. Liz lifted her jam-packed book bag from the seat next to her, and I sat down.

A wide smile was spread on her freckly face, "I'm so happy L! I can't wait for tomorrow's ceremony," she gushed.

I offered a polite smile, but internally wished that I had at least gotten the window seat, so I could distract myself form her prattling. I heaved a sigh of relief once Liz and I departed at the Erudite housing district.

I walked through the empty halls of my parent's house, eyes categorizing everything. The walls were painted a slate grey and not decorated with any kind of art, just certificates from my parent's numerous achievements. No photographs or mementos to me littered the house- if someone visited they would never be able to tell the James' had a daughter. But still this was my home. I had lived here happily for sixteen years.

'Then why have you been so anxious to leave it lately?' a sly little voice in my conscious questioned.

I thought about that for a moment. I suppose I had been absent a lot in the past couple of months. I used to never care where I was as long as I had some lab equipment or a book in my hand. But lately I had been sneaking out to meet Alexander, or running miles away.

Alexander- could I really be separated from him?

I slowly walked up to my room, my head spinning as I catalogued everything in sight. My feet moved at an automatic pace as I walked to my closet and pulled out my running gear, methodically pulling it on. I slipped back out of my house, my mind buzzing. But when my feet hit the dirt, I let my body mechanically go through the motions of running, as I tried to rationally calm my mind.

I sometimes thought that Alexander had not really belonged in Erudite. His disposition was too sweet, his passions too artistic to really belong in the faction of cold logic. I thought that he would have thrived in Amity. But I had always thought that he figured that with his genius intellect he had to stay here. But the point was, even though he may have tested for something else, he still stayed. It was still an option! And I knew that I was smart enough to pass initiation.

I hadn't realized I had been running so long, but when I finally returned to my house, it was dark out, and my parent's car was in the drive way.

I walked in the door saw my parents both standing in the kitchen.

"Finally, she returns!" my father said with a big smile.

I felt like a fraud for smiling back. Knowing that he was proud of me for something that I didn't really deserve. That maybe I was not really one of them.

"Go shower and change, then you can join us for dinner," my mother said.

I followed her advice, but once I stepped under the warm spray of the shower, I wanted to linger. I wanted the water to wash away the events of the day, so I could start over tomorrow and change my results. But I knew my parents were waiting, and I knew that no matter what happened tomorrow, it would be at least a month before I would see them again after tomorrow's Choosing Ceremony.

I spent dinner nodding along to my father's reminiscent stories of when he was first fully initiated. I laughed in all the right places, and cringed at his stories of basically being delegated to lab 'gopher'. My mother had even let out a heartfelt chuckle at one of his stories.

At the end of dinner my mother set down her glass and peered at me with eyes identical to my own, just trained to show less emotion. "Perhaps we could excuse you for the night to spend time with you friend before tomorrow. You never know when you will get another chance again soon."

I felt water slide down my air-pipe and choked. My father thumped me on the back. I stared incredulously at my mother, and in that moment I knew that she knew about Alexander. Chances were she had known about him for a while and clearly she approved. My father seemed oblivious to the entire interaction, probably thinking I was sleeping over at Liz's.

"I- thank you," I nearly stuttered before pushing out of my chair. I jogged up the stairs to my room and quickly brushed my hair and teeth.

The look on Alexander's face when he had opened the door made me forget my worries for a moment and smile.

"What are you doing here?" he incredulously said, sticking his head out the door and looking around before pulling me inside.

"I had to see you."

I studied his perfect face for a moment, simply drinking him in. His olive skin, full lips, and those bright blue eyes that I loved so much. Loved. Loved? Yup, loved.

The shocked look faded into a pleased smile, and pulled my hips closer to him, so he could kiss me. "I'm glad you did, you little daredevil."

We moved to his bed and curled into each other.

"How was your test?" Alexander asked.

I looked up at him from beneath my lashes and smiled coyly, all the while feeling my stomach tie in knots- and not in the good way. "You know we aren't supposed to talk about it."

He playfully rolled his eyes and his fingers pinched my sensitive side. "Fine, keep your secrets."

I laughed, but it sounded hollow. This was one secret that I fully intended on keeping.

He rolled me over and kissed me passionately, tongue curling against my own. Smooth hands slipped to the buttons on my blouse and one by one he peeled my shirt away with reverence, like he was unwrapping a treasured gift. I stretched and shivered as he brushed against every nerve ending.

I surprised him as I sat up and pushed him back on the bed. He smiled crookedly, but when I grabbed his shirt and quickly pulled it off of him, he grabbed my hands, "Slow down darling."

I frowned. I didn't want to slow down. I just wanted lose myself in the feel of him. But Alexander did not know my inner musings or the reason why I just wanted a frantic feeling of pleasure to replace the frantic feelings of the unknown. I did not roll off of him, but my kisses did end up longer, lingering over the skin of his chest. It felt too much like a goodbye, and I could feel moisture gathering in my eyes.

When I could continue no further without dripping tears onto his bronze skin, Alexander rolled us over, and took over, shedding the rest of our clothing. We moved together in synch and I felt my pleasure rise higher and higher, until I couldn't hold on any longer and cried out.

He rolled off me and pulled me into his arms, so we could doze off together. "I love you Lyra," he whispered into my hair.

I don't know why, but I feigned sleep. I knew I loved him, but something held my tongue.

Alexander fell asleep soon after his whispered words, but my mind was wide-awake. The entire day I spent shocked that my test did not result in Erudite. I had spent my entire childhood learning and embodying their values. I even remember sneaking into my father's office and slipping his glasses on. They may have overwhelmed my small face, but the foreign weight had felt comfortable. On outward statement of where I belonged. I had spent the afternoon reminiscing on how hard it would be to leave this place that I never even considered what life in Dauntless would be like.

I could picture the Dauntless as clear as day in my mind. They were such a loud group, always jaunting or cheering at each other. Liz and I used to watch them jump off the trains and critique their landings to quiz each other in physics. We would giggle at it, but both agreed that despite the minimal amount of force needed to jump, the Dauntless were completely crazy.

Then there were the radical hair colours and facial piercings. They looked about as welcoming as a 'Keep Out' sign. How could I ever belong with those people? They did insane tricks just for the sake of risk, not knowledge… And despite the fact that they were the faction assigned to protect the city, I never felt all that safe around any of its members. They all looked like they were liable to haul off and smack you if you addressed them improperly. But I could not deny that they all seemed like one big happy family.

Erudite members all interacted like one big machine. Everybody had their place within the community, and served a purpose. We were not overly emotional or loving, but we were content. The inner workings of Dauntless' structure was a mystery to me, but all of its members were so passionate- they did everything with feeling- love, hate, frustration all displayed for the world to see.

I was doing myself no good thinking around everything in circles though. So I nudged Alexander on the hip. "I have to head back home now."

Alexander sleepily kissed my shoulder and said, "I'll be at the Choosing Ceremony tomorrow, so I can see you one last time before initiation."

I bit my lip and kissed him once again. Could I ever really consider leaving someone like this?

No, no I couldn't.

When I reached my room in the early hours of the morning, an outfit was laid out on my bed for me. The same navy pencil skirt that I wore to the hospital dinner, and a periwinkle blouse. I moved the clothing before collapsing on top of my bed.

"Wake up Lyra! Wake up! I knew I shouldn't have let you go to that boy's apartment last night," my mother snapped. I groggily opened my eyes, and found her impatient expression greeting me. "Just look at those bags under your eyes," she huffed before disappearing out of my room.

I looked over at the clock on my bedside table and groaned. It was eight o'clock. The Choosing Ceremony was scheduled at the Hub at ten am. I grudgingly dragged myself out of bed and into the shower. It was only with the warm water beating down on my head that I fully registered what I had to do today. But I was confident. Just because some test said I belonged somewhere else, didn't mean I had to go there. Like the leaders had told us, there was always a choice.

I carefully pulled on my outfit, straightening the non-existent creases, while looking in the mirror. The bags underneath my eyes nearly matched my blue blouse, but other than that I looked like a typical Erudite.

When I went downstairs my other had placed cold oatmeal and a glass of orange juice in front of me.

"Eat this quickly, we need to leave," she simply said.

I don't know how I managed to swallow the thick concoction with the lumps of nervousness that were starting to creep into my throat. The car ride to the Hub with my parents was once again silent. I don't know how I never noticed this lack of communication between us all before, or maybe it had just never bothered me. But right now I could have used some words of comfort. But I knew better then to expect that from my parents.

The Hub was packed with families from every faction. I looked around for Alexander, but could not see him in the sea of people. My search had ended when my father pulled me onto a crowded elevator. We entered a room with a dome shaped stage, and the five bowls representing the five factions on a table. I sat with the rest of the members of my faction nervously looking around.

At ten o'clock the talking stopped and a tall weather-beaten man in red clothing stood in the middle of the stage. He prattled on about faction history, and normally I would have clung to his familiar words, but instead I found myself looking at them. The Dauntless faction. They were wearing full black clothing today, a good portion of it made from leather. I saw more tattoos than I could count, even on the elderly. But despite their gruff exteriors, I saw them exchanging secretive smiles, hugs and laughter. They truly looked like one big happy family. I know looks can be deceiving, but they made extremely good actors if that was the case.

"Seth Adams," the Amity man called, and my head snapped back to the platform.

A short boy in a black and white suit approached the stage and picked up the ceremonial knife before slicing his palm. My eyes were intent on him, as he held his bleeding hand over the bowl with glass. Candor cheered- they kept one of their own.

"Lavender Ainsley," the man called with fondness in his voice.

A tall girl with strawberry blonde hair in a yellow dress moved forward and once again chose her home faction. Sweat started to drip down my neck.

"Rachel Avery."

Another Candor moved up the platform, but when she cut her hand she did not place her hand over the mirrors. She let her blood drip into the water, the first drops of pink spreading. My faction clapped politely. The first transfer.

The rest of the names seemed to go be both slowly and too quickly. I could feel my heart beating a staccato rhythm.

"Lyra James," the man called.

My father squeezed my hand before I stood up, legs feeling numb, and walked up the platform. I looked into the Amity man's kind brown eyes, and he smiled at me, before picking up the knife. My eyes strayed the bowl full of light pink coloured water. Filled with the blood of what would be the future of my faction.

I drew the knife harshly across my palm and thought of all the aspects of my personality. Of everything Erudite had offered and stifled within me. Of my happiness. Of my future.

I closed my eyes and let my blood drip onto the sizzling coals.

A/N: Hi everyone, I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Just a heads up, I don't really plan on sticking to the main storyline of Divergent. This also takes place the year before Tris.

Thank you to all the followers, I am so happy to know you are reading my story. And a really big thanks to everyone who reviews, reading them is like a little ray of sunshine in my day! And I promise that this fic doesn't have any sexual abuse in its future.

Please review and let me know what you think!

: ) Nyx