Chapter 11:

"Just because someone

desires you,

does not

mean that they

value you."

-Anonymous

The room was pitch black- a sort of darkness that completely shuts off your sense of sight. A type of darkness that seeps into your pores and leaves a chilling awareness ringing in your flesh. And chilling it was- my naked body was absolutely shaking from the bitter cold, but I dared not move. I was already lost in this sea of the unseen.

Awareness prickled at my frozen spine. Something was coming. A figure that was somehow even darker than the darkness. My instincts flared within me and I turned and ran. If I hadn't run, I don't know what he would have done. But I did. And he gave chase.

The ground was uneven and never ending, while the air bit with sharp iciness at my wheezing lungs. And the feeling of vertigo shook my conscious as I tumbled to the ground. Sprawled on my back, like some kind of sacrifice to the now slowly approaching man. For there was no doubt that this figure was a man.

He knelt down towards me and I could feel warmth radiating off his skin. I was overcome by a powerful need to crawl up into the warmth- to thaw myself out, body and soul and bask in his heat. I moved forward right as he lunged.

Pleasure shot through my body like a lightening bolt as his hot mouth found my neck. I moaned loudly and turned my face eager to kiss him, but he wouldn't grant me the pleasure of his lips.

"Why wont you kiss me?" I questioned, wanting to feel those sizzling lips against my own.

"Kisses are cold," he growled and instead that mouth made a scorching trail down the hollow of my throat. My breasts were aching in anticipation for his attention.

With his burning mouth leaving a hot trail of pleasure down my body I no longer felt the cold. I was on fire. And when his tongue flicked over a pebbled nipple I groaned loudly, pushing my breasts up further for more attention. I felt large fingers bite into my hips as he feasted on my sensitive nipples.

Every nerve was alight with need, and my hips squirmed in an attempt to meet his. But those powerful hands held them down. A petulant moan of want escaped my lips. I wished I could take it back though when his mouth left my breasts... Until he started moving downwards leaving a trail of electric fire.

Fire that was scorching my veins, causing pleasure to rush through my system. It was overwhelming how all encompassing his heat ignited me. Nothing had ever felt so good.

My legs opened instinctually, willing him to push everything he had inside of me. To fill me with his heat. Hot hands left my hips to settle on my thighs, and his sizzling breath teased my wetness. A sharp bite of teeth nipped the sensitive skin of my inner thigh, and my whole body shuddered. Finally those lips, that tongue was so close to where I need it to be, my body was positively aching with need… And just as that hot tongue caressed my-

...

Cold air ripped through my lungs, as I sat up heaving. My pupils dilated to adjust to the darkness, and hunted for the clock. Five fourteen am. I slumped back on the cot, letting the monotonous sounds of my dorm-mates' snoring fill me ears. My body was covered in a faint sheen of sweat, and I felt uncomfortably aroused. There was no way I was taking care of it the traditional way though, not surrounded by my peers.

I cursed my libido as I raised myself out of my cot and crept over to the dingy showers. Letting the water remain frigid, I stepped under the feeble downpour. As the freezing water bit at my overheated skin I cursed Alexander in my head. Sure it wasn't exactly his fault that I was aroused- but he was the cause of my sexual awakening after all. I never knew the delicious burn of desire until he ignited it in me. But as my mind strayed over our past encounters, Eric's domineering face surfaced in my head. I groaned knocking my head against the brittle tiles as I thought about what happened last night.

I was not attracted to him. My body just experienced a moment of weakness. My senses craved the touch of a man, and he was just the nearest one…right? I shook my head, rinsing out the conditioner and ludicrous thoughts.

Eric was just not my type. He was too muscular, had too many of those god-awful piercings. His hair was blonde, and eyes slate blue. He was nothing like man I was attracted to. He didn't have bronzed skin, azure eyes and curled raven hair. He didn't caress my skin with a whisper of a touch or read me words of adoration. If I was going to engage in sex, I was at least going to be romanced first, and I sincerely doubted that Eric had even heard of the word.

I groaned aloud again. Why was I even thinking about this? Eric was just not an option. I may have crossed some lines in having an affair with my professor, but even I wasn't stupid enough to try and sleep with a leader. And just because we had a… well whatever it was we had last night, didn't mean he really wanted me either.

With this new outlook, and determination filling me I stepped out of the shower skin puckered and freezing. I was a rational human being, capable of controlling my body's natural impulses. Eric was not going to catch me off guard again.

I dressed quickly, but it was still far too early for breakfast. So I spent the remaining time that I would normally spend sleeping using a rusty old spare pipe from the bathroom as a weight and exercising my arms. I wasn't too prideful to admit that Eric's advice when he wasn't being a total ass was actually helpful.

At five fifty I went returned to my cot. Because even though Justice, Ian, and Henry were my friends I didn't know how they would feel about me practicing after hours. I didn't want them to think that I was trying to one-up or sabotage them. I just wasn't going to lose sight of my goal, even for my friend's sakes.

When Henry finally did get up, I pretended that I was pulling my socks on.

"Morning Ly, you mind if I take a quick shower before we eat?" He blearily questioned, rubbing at his eyes.

"Sure," I replied, lying back down on my cot. It seemed like since transferring to Dauntless no matter how much time I spent on the worn down mattress, sleep eluded me.

Not even ten minutes later Henry returned in black attire, blonde hair still dripping wet. He was quiet on the walk down to the Dining Hall, but I got the feeling that he was still troubled about Patrick's sudden departure. I kept silent and left him to lament his thoughts, while organizing my own.

As we sat down I helped myself to an omelet and Henry unfolded the newspaper. The tiny printed date at the top of the page caught my eye. May second. It was my birthday. I was officially seventeen today. Strange how last year this date marked such an important event. My legal transition to adulthood, my first relationship as a woman, a forbidden kiss…

However today felt like another ordinary day. After breakfast we would all go down to the training room and most likely practice throwing knives. The afternoon would consist of beating the shit out of each other to prove our bravery. Dinner and then going to the gym… Going to the gym. Should I still go? But not showing up would be a sure fire signal to Eric that not only was I a coward for avoiding him, but that he had an affect on me. So yes, I would go the gym, work out my arms and then vainly try and get some sleep. Another day, just like any other, which is why I didn't bother telling Henry about it.

Justice and Ian trickled into the room later, looking groggy, but at least they got up on their own. Normal small talk, normal people, normal food. But the first inkling that this day was not going to be normal was a very noticeable blonde heading in our tables' direction.

I had never seen Eric at breakfast before. And the little information that I had gathered from Justice and Ian late night drunken gossip suggested that he usually ate at a later hour, which was a prime benefit in my opinion. So to see him at seven thirty am heading towards us (please God let it not be for me) was startling.

The chatter at our table died off in an instant as Eric came to a halt in front of us. His cold eyes scanned each person for one chilling moment before they settled on me. No hint of the hunger from last night displayed in them.

"A letter arrived for you grunt," Eric said, his voice unreadable. I was bewildered. I hadn't known that we were allowed to send or receive mail during initiation. Eric clearly understood my train of thought as he answered, "Usually we don't allow mail during initiation, but exceptions are made for birthdays."

Justice let out a noise of surprise from beside me, but I ignored her, my eyes trailing down to the small envelope in Eric's large hand. He thrust it out to me, and I picked it up carefully. It was made of heavy paper- expensive. But when I turned it over and saw Lyra James scripted in elegant handwriting I knew in an instant who it was from. Alexander.

I didn't want to open it. Partially because everyone at the table was staring at me, including the ominously hovering Eric, and partially because I wasn't sure if I wanted to read what could possibly lye inside.

"Oh lets let her read her letter in peace," Justice said after clearly picking up my hesitation.

I shot her a grateful smile, while tearing open the envelope. I could still feel Eric's presence looming behind me, but held the letter at an angle that wouldn't allow him to read from it. Sucking in a deep breath I began reading:

Lyra,

I feel like I have faded since you left. That my muse has gone, and without you I am an empty shell of the man I used to be. Nothing interests me. Art holds no beauty, poetry no meaning, and music no cadence. It is like the moment you walked out of that door you took my soul with you.

I have so many questions for you… Why did you leave? If you knew you were going to, why didn't you tell me? Was it something I did? Did you ever really love me? But as much I want answers, I know these questions would lose meaning if I saw you. Motives would be trivial if only I could have you again.

I have tried to forget you. I was so angry at first when you left. A betrayal that had thrust a honeyed knife in my chest. I tried to forget you with someone else. The moment I was with her I knew it wasn't worth it. That no one could ever replace you. Cheap imitations just sickened me, and yet I am now woven in a web that I will struggle to get out of.

Today is the day that changed everything for me, for us. This day a year ago that my lips touched yours and I lost my heart to you. I love you Lyra. I will find a way to see you soon.

Yours,

A.F.

My gut clenched as I read over his words, his grief becoming more transparent with each sentence. Guilt immediately filled my lungs and I felt like I was drowning in it. How could I have ever doubted my sweet sweet man? How could I have thought such unkind things about him when confronted with his image with her? I knew his soul inside and out, and his heart belonged to me. The question was, did mine still belong to him?

"Happy birthday Ly," Justice said, nudging my shoulder as I folded the letter up. "Why didn't you tell us it was you're birthday?"

I looked behind me cautiously but Eric was gone. Turning back to my friends I answered, "Honestly I didn't remember until I saw the date on the newspaper this morning."

"You forgot your own birthday!" Ian incredulously stated.

I shrugged. Birthdays were never a huge deal in Erudite. Unless it was your year of adulthood, then it didn't really matter.

I awkwardly accepted my friend's well wishes though, but my mind was still with the letter. I felt angry with myself for doubting Alexander's actions and a fierce longing to be with him again. To spend the day exploring his perfect body, with interludes for food or music or art. A day where I could be myself without the pressure or worry. I missed those blue eyes, and crooked smile.

I was conspicuously silent on the way down to the training room, but Henry seemed to pick up on my melancholy and stopped Justice and Ian from prodding me for information. Marina too was sending me curious looks, but I hardly cared. An emotional storm was once again raging within. When did things become so complicated? Or was it always this way? A brief stint of peace and pleasure before a long drought of confusion and heartache…

The training room was not set up like it normally was. Instead Four and Eric stood in front of targets hanging from wires. This change in environment helped snap me out of my musings.

"Since you all have had time to grasp how to accurately throw knives, today we are going to be practicing on moving targets," Four explained.

He walked over to a machine and clicked a button. A second later one of the targets was zipping down the wire, and faster than I could blink Four pitched a knife into it. When it completed the course the target stopped and we could all clearly see the knife embedded directly in the centre.

Four turned to face us again, "You will all be completing this individually as there is only one track. While you are waiting you can either watch or practice on unmoving targets across the room."

Eric who remained curiously silent picked up a clipboard, "Ben, you're up first."

Ben walked over to the table of knives, while Four reset the targets. Fern planted herself down on the ground to watch, no doubt for moral support. Justice and Ian did too, but I doubt it was for the same reason. I wonder if they would get in trouble for heckling…

I wasn't interested in watching though. Instead I picked up some knives, and like Marina and Henry, I headed over to some targets a fair bit away from everyone. The one thing I missed dearly about Erudite was the calming solitude. In Dauntless everyone travelled, moved and lived in packs. At times like these it was stifling.

I grasped my first knife and thought of the letter. He missed me. My knife cut through the air and planted itself into the target. I hurt him. I let another knife sail. He said he was caught up in a web… My final knife whooshed through the air. As I went to retrieve them I thought on that last bit. What did Alexander mean, he was caught in a web that he would have a hard time getting out of? What web? What did he do? I cursed my rather active imagination as hundreds of horrifying possibilities sprung forward in my mind.

"So grunt, who was the letter from?" Eric's deep voice questioned from behind me.

I jumped, startled by his presence. I had no idea how such a large man could move so quietly. But then again, stealth was a deadly asset, and everything about Eric screamed deadly. When I turned to look at him, his face was unreadable, but he couldn't deny the curiosity in his eyes.

I tried for nonchalance, shrugging my shoulder, "Just someone from back home."

I saw his eyes narrow out of my peripherals, before I made another throw.

"Erudite is not your home anymore. You chose Dauntless, remember?" he spat.

I flinched. How could I forget? My choice to transfer had uprooted every single part of my life. The letter was just a reminder that in this liminal state I had no home. But I wasn't going to admit that to Eric.

"Fine, just someone from Erudite."

He passed me another knife, but when I tried to take it from him, he held it firm, "I'm thinking it was from a lover. After all, who else would call someone their 'lost muse'…"

I exhaled shakily, so he did see some of the letter. Thank God Alexander didn't sign his name. "Shouldn't you be watching the knife throwing? That way you can actually rank us."

His jaw clenched, but he didn't respond to my aversion of his question, I wrenched the knife out of his hands. But after a moment he smirked. "Those were some flowery words he wrote. Most Dauntless women like more aggressive men… Is that why you left him? You wanted a real man."

I felt blinding anger for a moment and could barely see as I threw my knife. Thankfully it hit the target, but not even close to the centre.

Eric moved closer to me again, and my back stiffened. His nearness was far too reminiscing of what happened last night, and that could not happen again… "Looks like I touched a nerve," he whispered, hot breathe caressing the sensitive flesh of my ear.

"Lyra," Four's stern voice called. I snapped away from Eric and turned to face the other instructor, who sported an intrigued look as his eyes darted between Eric and I. "Its your turn."

I avoided both Eric and Four's eyes as I walked towards the moving targets. Fern and Ben were chatting on the ground, as were Ian and Justice who lounged a little ways apart.

"Good luck birthday girl," Justice cheered.

I sent her a faint smile before taking position. All I had to do was approach this new challenge like a physics problem. Force plus distance would even my trajectory. I had to throw my knife before the target moved to where I was aiming.

I nodded at Four to start the machine. Less than a second before the target moved into position I threw my knife, satisfied that it at least made a whack, indicating that it hit the cork. When the target stopped I saw my knife sticking out of the second inner circle. A small smile bloomed on my lips. I was good at this. It felt so nice to be good at something again.

Four looked mildly impressed. "Good job. You get two more throws and then its someone else's turn."

I nodded and took position again. The target swopped downward surprising me, but I still managed to hit it. Though not nearly as close as the last hit.

Eric seemed to have guessed my strategy, "You can't just calculate movement. If that were a real enemy you wouldn't know which way they were going to move."

I nodded tightly, accepting his chiding, but was not happy about it. The final target swooped left and I let my knife sail. When the target stopped I saw that I had hit bulls-eye. Justice and Ian cheered.

I smiled and moved over to sit next to them as Four moved everything back into position. I didn't know what Eric was up to, but I was determined not to look at him.

After everyone had had a chance twice with the moving targets Four dismissed us for lunch. Eric moved with the crowd as we flocked to the door.

"Lyra can you stay back for a moment please," Four's stoic voice requested.

I warily stayed behind wondering what Four could possibly want. He took his time with the targets, not once looking at me and I was half tempted to just make a run for the doors. Just when I was about to make a break for it, Four turned to face me, expression as always firm and unreadable.

"I'm going to ask you something and I want you to be honest."

Dread curled inside me. Conversations were never pleasant when they started like that.

"Are you and Eric having an- um- inappropriate relationship?" he questioned, stumbling over to word, like he was just as uncomfortable with the conversation as I was.

I considered his question. Open hostility, invasion of personal space, naked lust radiating from his eyes as his hardness pressed against my stomach. So, yes it was probably considered inappropriate, but I wasn't going to admit that. Eric was a leader so I doubt he would get more than a slap on the wrist, but me… I could get booted out.

"No," I finally said, my eyes firmly meeting Four's. I knew the tells of someone lying and was not about to display any on myself just incase he did too.

Four tilted his head, "You had to think about it?"

I was tempted to fidget, but that would give me away. "He provokes me," I explained. Four's eyebrows rose, "Just meaningless taunts that I assume are used for motivation to do better."

"Funny how he has singled you out to do that to."

I needed to get out of here. I didn't have an answer to that question. It was something I myself was curious about. Why had Eric choose me to devout his brutal attention on? Why of all the initiates did he pick me to torment?

"I don't know," I truthfully replied.

Four's eyes narrowed, "Did you know Eric from Erudite? Are you two old acquaintances?"

It was my turn to be surprised. I had no idea that Eric was once in Erudite, especially seeing as he didn't appear to be overly fond of my old faction. Interesting…

"I hadn't met Eric until my first day here."

Four studied my face for a moment before sighing. "Alright you can go. But if anything happens, anything that concerns you, feel free to come tell me about it. I would be very wary of his attention if I were you."

I offered him a tight smile of thanks, but I knew his offer was bogus. I already knew that Eric's attention was dangerous. And I also knew that Four likely didn't have the power to do anything about it if Eric crossed the line.

When I joined Henry, Justice and Ian all of them were curious about what Four wanted from me. This time I settled on a version that was somewhat closer to the truth.

"He just wanted to know if Eric's behavior was bothering me," I explained, my eyes scanning the area to make sure the 'he' in question was nowhere nearby.

"Is it?" Henry asked.

I shrugged, "Its not bothering me per se. I've dealt with jerks before, but I would like to know why he is targeting me all the time."

Justice and Ian traded a meaningful look. Honestly,Candors were the worst at being sneaky.

We finished lunch in good humor though, my mind almost taken off the letter. Almost, but not quite. I was in such a jovial mood that I really didn't want to go down to the training room and beat on someone. Especially since Ian and Justice were amongst the people I had not yet had to face. And Eric was a dick enough to make me do it on my birthday.

But as I made way through the training room and scanned the list I noticed that it wasn't either of their names that mine was next to. Instead the sign read LYRA VS. FERN and we were scheduled to fight dead last.

Fern shot me a smirk that looked like the cat that ate the canary. I ignored her though and focused all my thoughts on what I had known about Fern's fighting techniques so far. She was about the same size as me, and tended to use speed and surprise to her advantage. She often aimed for the ribs using her elbows, but forgot to cover herself during her attacks.

Justice was up against Henry in the ring and Ian sat out watching nervously. It was a long fight but Justice actually managed to win, twisting Henry's arm backwards until he yelled his concession. But Henry was off today, and I figured that if he weren't so distracted he probably would have won. Not that Justice wasn't talented, but Henry was born for this.

When it was time for might fight I quickly crawled on the mat before Fern could beat me too it. And just as she scrambled on and turned to face me, I curled my hand up into a fist just like Eric taught me and swing right at her jaw. Fern's whole body snapped back with the force and I ignored the pain in my hand as I lunged for her again.

She darted out of my way and managed to kick me in the shin, but I remained standing. Balance was crucial. I landed another blow at her sides, but her boney elbow knocked into my chin. I realized that I was leaving my head unprotected and ducked it down while cross kicking into Fern's back. She was too busy blocking my kicks that she didn't notice another blow coming. I hit her right in the face. I knocked her out.

The medical team swarmed around the both of us and that was when I noticed I had blood dripping down my chin. Her elbow must have cut the delicate flesh there. And now that the adrenalin was starting to wear off my body I could feel the pain surfacing.

The red shirts escorted me up to the infirmary along with an unconscious Fern. I discovered that I much preferred her this way. My chin stung as they dabbed it with antiseptic. When I looked down at my knuckles they were angry red and swollen. One of the medics picked my hand up and prodded at them, I hissed in pain.

"Nothing seems to be broken, but we'll do an x-ray just incase."

I nodded, and followed him to the machine. The medic was right- nothing was broken. But the flesh was tender, so they put some cooling gel on it before wrapping it in thick bandages.

When I made it down to the Dining Hall, Justice and Ian cheered for me. Henry was still unusually quiet, and something told me it wasn't because he lost his fight for the first time.

"I think we should celebrate tonight," Justice said, as she forked an extra large piece of chocolate cake onto my plate for dessert.

"How? We don't have access to any booze…" Ian replied.

Justice rolled her dark eyes, "Well what about a piercing? Do you want to get one Ly?"

The thought of decorating my skin with metal never appealed to me. Though I could admit that some of the Dauntless wore their piercings quite well. "Not really."

Justice huffed, "And you won't get a tattoo?"

I thought back to the image I saw in the tattoo parlor. But not yet. I would only get it when I earned it; when I became a full Dauntless member. "Not right now."

"Oh, I know!" Justice exclaimed, shooting off the bench. "Lets go get our hair done!"

I considered it. It would be painless with no recovery needed. And I could make it as simple or drastic as I wanted. "Alright."

"Yes!" Justice triumphantly pumped her fist in the air, before dragging me off the bench behind her.

We got lost looking for the hair salon and ended up near the apartment district. Justice was having a great time exploring, and while I was happy to add a new section to my mental map, I was beginning to feel tired. Finally we reached the salon, and thankfully it was still opened.

A bald man with a large gold hoop jutting out of his nose greeted us and admired Justice's long dark hair. She followed him eagerly as he started talking about shaving a strip off one side.

I shook my head uncomprehendingly and followed a corseted girl with neon orange pin curls and her very large assets spilling out her…top.

"I'm Darla," she said as I stiffly sat back in the chair. All I could think of was how strange it was to meet a Dauntless named Darla. And what Darla was going to do to my hair. "This your natural colour?" she asked running her hand through the midnight black strands.

"Yes," I replied.

She nodded. And we both focused on my hair. It had been two weeks, and already the chemical straightener was starting to wear off. I could see the ends of my hair just beginning to curl where they brushed my shoulders. Usually it would take longer but I figured with all the sweat, and showers that I had recently, it was coming out quicker.

I informed Darla about it and she played with the ends. "So what were you thinking of getting done?"

I stared in the mirror unsurely, "Honestly I don't know."

"Well unless you want a pixie cut, I doubt you'll want to go much shorter." I shook my head no. "Then how about colouring it?"

I considered that for a moment. But I liked my raven locks; Alexander always said they contrasted nicely against the light green of my eyes.

Darla clearly picked up on my hesitation, "How about just one stripe of colour in your bangs. Subtle, but still a statement." I smiled and Darla returned it. "Now we just have to figure out what colour..."

Forty minutes later Justice and I were walking out of the salon. She had a whole strip of hair near her left ear shaved, and I had one blue streak through my side bangs. Blue for Erudite. Blue for Alexander's eyes.

When we made it back to the dorms I practically passed out on my cot. It seemed like everyone else had the same idea too. I felt slightly wary as I noticed Ben glaring at me, but reasoned there was nothing he could do to me surrounded by all these people. Especially when the majority of them liked me a lot more then him. And since Fern was still in the infirmary, I doubted anyone would help him if he tried to hurt me.

Even though my eyes drifted, heavy with sleep, I still woke up around midnight. I once again debated not going to the gym, but knew I had to show up. I had to prove to Eric that last night's incident didn't affect me.

So I crept up the rocky hallways and entered the gym. It was empty. He probably was running late, just ready to sneak up on me again. I eyed the treadmill longingly for a moment before sighing and moving over to the weights. Picking up two ten- pound weights, I pumped my arms.

It was so boring though, and my mind could think of much better things to do besides this, even if it was just sleeping. So I moved onto pushups, and the rowing machine, and even the treadmill. And at two in the morning I was panting, exhausted, and covered in sweat. I was done.

And he never showed up.

A/N: Hi everyone I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Just to let you know that despite the slow burn the M is rated for lemons, so if thats not your thing, you might not like where its heading.

Four thy name is cockblock in this story, but it makes me laugh!

Thanks to all the people that enthusiastically reviewed my last chapter. I had a feeling you would like that last bit!

Please continue to review and leave your thoughts!

Nyx : )