living corpse Chapter 16: what you wanna be, a bleach fanfic

Pitter, patter.

It's the sound of a heart breaking apart, the sound of rain clinging to the window, slowly sliding down cracked transparent panes.

Traced footsteps, washed away by the backlash of the sea, only shadows remain, broken crevices on ivory shores.

Stones that skim across the surface, apparently weightless, sink into the ocean.

Liquids slip past the mountain of flesh, flushed from the tainted pink seashell.

But that which falls—what is it?

A raindrop? A stone? A tear?

When you turn away, is it because you cannot bear to watch the person you love shatter, or is it because you don't care any more?

The morning after is always a curious one.

It grants wishes that turn into fishes; makes a beautiful melody turn into a terrible disaster and… and sometimes it makes people come undone.

Through words, open honesty; through actions, true emotions; the undercurrents that never would surface otherwise.

And sometimes, sometimes… it turns the world to ice.

All those pretty chandeliers, made of friendship and love, each angle born from something different, something tangible, splinter into the breeze.

Because everything you've done, the legacy of everyone turns to dust.

Yet you find yourself once more in ruin.

It's the moment you learn to breathe again.

living corpse
16 : what you wanna be

"Do you hate me?"

Karin breaks the silence, gaining the attention of Toushirou. Whether it's with a steely gaze or a hollow glare, she will face him and confront her fears.

But he doesn't answer.

And, just like before, she is cast into the memory of a girl who didn't know what she wanted and where she stood.

Static.

Inertia.

The realm of not knowing—

What do you mean to me?

The darkness binds her.

In the dark, caught between the shades of grey, continuously wondering where they stand, and what their relationship is.

The feelings gathered in her chest elate and depress her, as she stays awake, simply breathing, with the cover of night as her shield.

It's his fault that she begins to sleep at school…

But then, such is the way of love.

"Answer me." Like before, her voice is quiet, very subdued compared to her normal boisterous tone.

For the life of him, he just can't answer. How can he, if so many emotions run through his frozen veins?

Anger. Sadness. Fear. Disgust.

They course under his skin, eating away at Hitsugaya Toushirou.

But other feelings, soft and tender, delicate as glass, are not so willing to shatter as one might believe…

Joy. Happiness. Acceptance. Understanding.

Even…

Even love.

"Is that a yes, or a no?" There is a smile in her voice, one that exists through invisible tears.

Her fingers drum on the counter, quiet, ever so quiet at first, before gaining volume, filling up the silence between them.

"What's the reason you dislike me?"

Tap-tap-ta-tap. Tap-tap-ta-tap.

"Is it because… I made a lie of omission? Not telling you about Rukia being a ghost?"

Tap-tap-ta-tap. Tap-tap-ta-tap.

"Or because… I took care of you, and you were only a job to me?"

Tap-tap-ta-tap. Tap-tap-ta-tap.

"Maybe, maybe it's not that." Karin muses, voice thoughtful, silkily covered in jibes, aiming for a reaction. "Not that at all…"

Tap-tap-ta-tap. Tap-tap-ta-tap.

"Is it because despite everything, you still fell in love with me, ne, Toushirou?"

He tenses.

"Oh, did I hit too close to home?" Provoking him, she waits for him with indifference as her shield.

He snaps.

Kurosaki Karin has always been perceptive, seeing things in a different light, aware of things that people miss.

Be that as it may, there are other things that she is oblivious too, others that find it obvious information.

And by that right, Hitsugaya Toushirou, governed by his fury, ignores the subtlety woven in her words.

"Would you get a hold off yourself?" Shouting, his voice acts like a whip, pure, unadulterated rage. "Why the fuck do you have to be so… so…"

"Self-centred? Vain? Machiavellian?" Blithe, Karin supplies word for him.

"Exactly!" Furious, Toushirou bellows, leaning forward slightly. "Why did you have to—"

His breath catches, and he is well aware that Karin is not so stupid as to feign ignorance.

"—what?" Closer and closer, she steps towards him, sliding off the chair. "Take care of you? Pull you out of that slump? Live? You had the choice." Her voice changes pitch, rising and lowering as her emotions slip past her, colourless cheeks colouring. "You could have stayed there. Karakura. That backwater town. It was your choice."

"Was it, now? And what about Rukia?" His voice becomes controlled, more neutral, careful to not let anything slip.

"I would have stayed, had you asked." Quiet, Karin admits. "If you wanted to remain… I would have let you. But Rukia, you never asked. Not once. Murmured her name in your sleep, sure. But you never did ask. Implied, maybe. Directly, never."

"But you said—" Incredulous, Toushirou recalls the conversation that they held when she was drunk. "—that 'this'—" gesturing at himself and her "—was because I was a job – and yet, in Karakura you said because we used to be friends. Which of them was true?"

"Both. Rukia did ask me, and you were a friend. Before… all that mess… you were my friend. And you helped me when 'Kaa-chan died. You helped me in a way no one else could. So, really, I'm just repaying the favour. To Rukia, to you. If you hate me…" Shrugging as if it doesn't matter, though it crushes her internally, she sighs. "… so be it."

"You don't mean that."

"Is that what you think? Fine. But this isn't about me, it's about you." Twisting the focus on him, she asks him, blazing with fire. "And you never answered my question."

"Does it really need answering?"

And she smiles, a bitter catlike grin, lidded eyelids hiding eyes that know too much, eyes that have seen too much.

"Humour me."

She's so close.

He can smell her, taste her, feel her beneath his skin, corroding, corroding all his defences.

"I—"

And suddenly, they are gone.

It's more of an attack, than anything else.

A fusion of what is, what will be, and what should have always been.

Teeth against teeth, tongues and lips unite, exploring uncharted territory in the mind of the sober.

Hands are on his hair, neck, chest, clothes, his, hers, who's?, does it even matter?, pulling, tugging, tugging, tugging—

—and it's not enough.

They both want this.

Despite—despite everything.

They want this.

"Oh, my eyes! My eyes! They burn!"

"You promised that you'd use the bed, Karin! Not the flipping carpet!"

Dishevelled, Karin and Toushirou break apart, both as flustered as each other. As if zapped by lightning, they stand miles apart.

Coughing, Karin smoothes out her rumpled shirt, covering her midriff once more; not catching Toushirou's eyes, who is likewise tidying himself up and careful not to meet the eyes of Pinta and Donny.

There is no way that she can be composed after being interrupted like that.

"I… I… um… have to go." Almost immediately bursting into a run, she slips past her two boys, shoulders knocking as she rebuffs them out of her way.

Crickets chirp for a while.

Toushirou avoids looking at anything that resembles Kurosaki Karin. That includes looking at his friends.

"Dude." Pinta arches one black eyebrow. "What happened?"

Ryouhei catches a tear fall down her cheek, flying in the cloud of black.

His fists curl.

No one makes his princess cry.

"This is so fucked up." Karin whispers to herself as the crowd parts for her to walk through. "So… so… fucked up."

She doesn't care about how she looks – radiant, ruined, teary, tarnished – it's not about them, it's about her.

But really, really, it's about – it's always been about him.

She doesn't know where she's going, but she knows she's going in the right direction.

Her footsteps will lead her back to Abarai Renji.

Ryouhei bursts the door open, looking for blood to spill.

"Where the fuck is he?"

Silence.

But he once he catches sight of Hitsugaya, he instantaneously sees red.

And his tempers is unleashed, Karin's tears the key.

Wham!

Hitsugaya does not even try to defend himself, consumed in the aftermath of Karin's departure.

"You stupid idiot! You were supposed to – supposed to—" Full of ire, Ryouhei roars, not thinking properly, about what he wants to say, about what he should say, and so he freezes, hand tingling as he stares at Hitsugaya, nose bloody.

"What? What was I supposed to do?" Almost monotonously he speaks, voice nasal.

And the words, garbled, tempestuous words unfurl through Ryouhei's mind.

—to take care of her.

—to help her.

—to make her happy.

And all he says is this, simple and clear:

"You were supposed to chase her."

"Ryou—"

"She killed my girlfriend, Kuchiki Rukia! And you – you expect me to chase her? Why? To kill her? To make her fucking miserable?"

"Aw, fuck it." Pinta scowls. "That really was Rukia."

"We were drunk… accidents happen." Donny tries to explain, falling flat. "It's not her fault. It really was… just an accident."

"Fuck that shit. What's passed has passed, and it's about time you got that stick out of your ass and started moving forward. 'Cause from what I've heard is that you've been moping like a whiny bitch. And Karin? Karin's been doing you a favour; she's been helping you despite her guilt. That's retribution and you're just going to throw a hissy fit? Fuck that, Toushirou! Grow up and be a man!"

And maybe it's the emotion in Ryouhei's eyes, the anger that seethes in the air that renders Hitsugaya Toushirou speechless.

"Listen, Karin's a girl. And she's weird. We get that. But you know what? Sometimes you got to let go and let good things come to you and other times… you've got to chase and never, ever let them go." His fist grabs Hitsugaya's shirt, nearly tearing the material. "Have you ever fucking chased her before, like there's nothing to life except her – because really, that's what she's wants. To know that she's worth it!"

Releasing him, Ryouhei exhales, spitting on the ground.

"… I should have known that you weren't him."

"Ryouhei…" Donny sighs, hands in his pockets. "Don't."

Here's the thing about Ryouhei: he has a hard head. Things have to be pummelled into him, and Karin will do so without remorse. But always with a smile and twinkle in her eye – it's for his own good.

"Who?"

They ignore him. It's not their story to tell, its Karin's.

Toba Ryouhei exhales.

"Listen up and listen well!" Reining in his anger, his temper so he doesn't cause another bloody nose, Ryouhei wipes his hands. "I am giving you one last chance to clear up this mess. And I am not going to apologize—" Unless Karin makes him. "—so shut your fucking trap! This is the reason you guys fell apart before, don't do it again! Fucking follow her, get it together, and be the freaking lovey-dovey couple that you two were always meant to be with violence in between! She's the best damn thing that you've got in a shit thing called life and you know what? Fucking tell her that!"

Ryouhei stops his tirade, breathing heavily.

"It's not always about you, you know."

When Hitsugaya Toushirou speaks, it's not though he's forgiven her, but he's understood Karin a little bit better.

"So where is she?"

And that, Karin's friends are pleased to say, is something that they can tell Toushirou.

She's here.

The clouds darken.

It looks like it's going to rain.

Kurosaki Karin guesses it doesn't matter if it does.

Long after the door slams behind him, Pinta, Donny, Ryouhei are left standing in the empty apartment.

"… you are such a sap." Pinta teases, smiling idiotically alongside Donny. "I always knew you cared about them."

"Shut up." Cheeks red and hot like a furnace, Ryou-chan scowls. "Where's Kazuya?"

Donny glances out the window.

"Still drunk and making out with a lamppost as we speak."

Abarai Renji.

It's a pitiful grave for one who was bright and filled with colour. At least it stands proud and tall, just like he did, without the tattoos. Renji wasn't the tidiest of men, always slightly scruffy, no matter his best efforts, but no matter what, he always put his heart in everything he did.

Karin grins, as the memories pass her by, embedded in flickers of raindrops.

Another smile, meant to break away into the abyss in the forgotten.

"I'm glad, you know? That you chose to move on, and you didn't become a ghost; that made me happy. Kinda. Made me unhappy too, but with death, you can't have one without the other. Whatever form it takes."

She is talking to a grave, and she doesn't care who hears her, because the person who needs to hear the most isn't there.

"I did love you. Even though I hated you for that, I did, truly love you."

Her hands tremble, feeling the light brush of his long fingers against the palm of her hand, and her hands recall the shape of death, small and black.

"I understood it; you always wanted to go out with your own style of choice. We could have been stupid Russians, jumping off airplanes without parachutes, 'cause the ground looked so soft. Or drowned while escaping sharks and being swallowed whole by whales. A car chase would have been fun, exhilaration running through our blood."

A sigh, and Karin sits, gazing at the statue that only held a name and grey ashes.

"We were young and we were foolish, and with our hot tempers we brought the best and worst out of each other. But… I think you knew, always, secretly, that I was never yours, but…"

The rain tastes like isolation claiming despair. It slips past her eyelashes.

"… hey, we had a good time. That's what mattered, right?"

She doesn't care if the world sees her cry.

"It has to be you… because I love you, and I don't want you to see me suffer."

"Remember, you promised me, so grant me this."

"If I had to die, I'd want to do it with you in my arms, aiming straight for my heart, 'cause the kind of person you are."

… bang.

She can't break her promises… not even for him.

It takes seconds, it takes minutes, it takes hours, it takes days, but somewhere along the line of memory and the present, Karin realizes that she's been shielded from the rain, drumming on an umbrella instead.

Looking up, her wide blue eyes drink in the scene, and Hitsugaya Toushirou is by her side, holding it up with an indifferent look on his face.

"You found me." Speaking in a quiet voice, trying to not let it tremble, she offers a smile. "How'd you do that?"

"Friends told me." He informs her, with a glint of concern. "Ryouhei punched me in the nose."

"Yeah." Karin grins. "He'll do that from time to time." Her smile wavers, fading into the rain. "You wanna sit down with me?"

"Sure." Nodding, he sits close to her to shield her from the rain; he sits far away so they don't touch.

And so they wait, the rain passing them by.

Her arms curl around her knees, pressed against her chest. She steals a glance at Toushirou before returning to the white grave.

"Don't you want to know who he is?"

"Only if you want to tell me." Gently, he replies, on her terms.

Her lips quirk at that, amused at the thought that he's stopped being self-centred, and begun to look out for others – for her.

"Abarai Renji." She answers, settling in, and growing comfortable for the relapse of memories. "My first serious boyfriend."

"How'd you meet?"

"Searching for beds. The soccer gang had found apartments, and I decided that I couldn't stand the sleeping bags anymore. And there he was, snoozing in one. Well. I couldn't resist going Geronimo on him." She laughs at that, a real, honest laugh that starts from the back of her throat. "Flirtatious behaviour and quick remarks later, we found ourselves going for a date."

"But that was sometime later." Toushirou guesses.

"Yeah. When he woke up, he called me a 'fucking mental bitch' and proceeded to leave. But I stole his wallet. So, nyah." She sticks her tongue out at both the grave and Hitsugaya Toushirou. "We found each other much later drinking at a pub, and getting along much better than gin and tonic ever should." Karin stops, taking a moment to resurface from the memories, her smile fading. "We… we were awesome."

Compelled to ask, the words slip past him.

"So what happened?"

"Euthanasia. He had a disease and it was killing him. Smoking really didn't help, and I hated that, in any case. But… whatever he had, he didn't say. Maybe 'cause he didn't know, maybe the doctors didn't say. Maybe he didn't want me to worry. I don't know. But he couldn't stand it, watching himself become sicker and sicker, with no cure. So he asked me… and I said yes. Not at first. No… he got that, knew he had to wait and let me come to him, knew when to run after me and persuade me, remind me about my promises."

Raising her hand, her fingers pull into the shape of a gun, firing twice.

"Love you, Karin."

"Karin."

Karin.

Karin.

And when the bullet hits him, it's like the end of the world.

… bang.

"He died the way he wanted, and I'm left to pick up the pieces. I went crazy. Six months, I went insane with grief. On and off. Changed my hair colour so many times. Disappeared into the rain. And then, I turned up at their doorstep. Pinta's, Donny's, Ryouhei's, Kazuya's… just looking for a good time, just looking for something to drown my sorrows."

She swallows.

"We were gonna go home. And then… then… we saw Rukia. And coming home just gave me another reason to stay away. Didn't call, didn't do anything to associate with it. I didn't want to know if… if I really…"

All there is him and her, sobbing in his chest, a secret that ghosts will take to their graves.

He doesn't push her away, holding her close, stroking her hair and for her emotions to subside.

… he doesn't know what to think, what to say, so he doesn't do a thing except be there for her.

Maybe, maybe that's enough.

Realization comes.

It takes months, years, days, seconds, but it finally hits home, his heart.

Because despite—despite Rukia, despite their fallout—she helped him out of that mess, slowly stitching up the holes in his heart with her quirks.

He's grateful for that.

"Karin."

Say it soft, say it loud, sing it sweetly in her ear.

"I don't hate you."

If anything, she cries more, the emotion flowing through her.

"It's not your fault."

But Karin holds onto Toushirou tighter than ever.

"If I'm gonna die, I'd rather be with you than anyone else in the world."

They're still undecided, wobbling on the line between friends and lovers, tumbling towards the latter.

Up and up they go, higher on the Ferris wheel of friendship, before leaping off to touch the sky, wax wings melting in the intensity of their love.

Nobody can stop them, because they are simply meant to be.

She wakes up in Toushirou's arms, her own around his neck, stirring slowly to the footprints that will eventually lead them back to the apartments.

"Oh, I fell asleep." Softly she mumbles, swinging her legs back and forth slightly.

"Yeah. You tend to do that a lot in cemeteries."

"Habit." Karin shrugs, drifting back to sleep, yawning. "Sorry about that."

"It's all right. I don't mind. Some directions might be useful though…" Speaking quietly, he clears his throat trying to draw Karin's attention to the public eye.

"Ah, right. Well. If you see Zu-kun making out with a lamppost, you know you're going in the right direction."

"And if I don't see him?" Sardonically, he asks, looking around. There's no sign of the glasses-wearing man.

"Then you… hang on, where are we?" Blinking, Karin makes an effort to stay awake.

Toushirou tells her.

"Oh, right. It's just around the corner. And we're there, minus the whole elevator or stairs and entering the door. Then we're there. If you want to specify there, I guess. All in the matter of context, you see."

"… I see…"

It never occurs to him that he should let her down.

He wouldn't have wanted to anyway.

"Do you want to go back?" Her voice is small, but clear and articulate.

"Where?"

"Karakura Town. I could, if you wanted to."

The answer comes to Toushirou without even thinking about it.

"No."

Somewhere along the way, his hand finds hers.

"I want to be with you for a while."