"What did you just say?" Kisame asked, seeing that the Uchiha was unable to speak at the moment.
"I said Itachi is pregnant. Knocked up. With child. Carrying a-"
"Itachi is a guy," Kisame said.
"Not at the moment," the pierced man pointed out. "My guess is that you two did it when Itachi was like this, and he ended up getting pregnant. His body just henged into a female form to support the child."
"Kisame." The shark turned around very slowly to see the weasel glaring at him. "What did you do?"
"Why is this my fault?!"
"Because," the Uchiha hissed, "if I am pregnant, then this kid is yours and that means you fucked me when I was a girl. What happened?"
"Well, um, you remember the sake I gave you a few weeks back?"
"Hn."
"I think I'll leave now," Pein hurriedly stated. Even he could sense the impending doom approaching the shark.
"Well, see, I thought it would be funny to see what you looked like as a girl, you know-"
"Ha ha ha," Itachi said flatly, death in his eyes.
"And, well, after that, I just sorta went with it, and you didn't see to mind…"
--
"YOU KNOCKED ME UP WHEN I WAS DRUNK?!"
The entire base froze at the yell. "Sasori, that sounded like Itachi," Kakuzu said.
"I think you're right," the puppet master agreed.
Seconds later several loud crashes echoed through the base, followed by Kisame running into the kitchen with Itachi fast on his heels. "Itachi, calm down!" he begged.
"Make me!" the weasel screamed while hurling fireballs after the shark.
"I think we outta get the hell out of here," Hidan said.
"Agreed, un," Deidara replied, the two leading their semes out of the kitchen at top speed.
The shark took cover behind the counter, trying to catch his breath. "Itachi, I swear I wouldn't have done this if I'd known this would happen!"
"You bastard," Itachi hissed, Sharingan eyes flashing red. Suddenly, an overwhelming feeling of exhaustion swept over his body. His eyes returned to their normal black, then shut.
Kisame heard a soft thump, and crawled out of his hiding spot to see his partner lying unconscious on the floor. All fear was forgotten; something was wrong with his love. "Angel!"
--
"He overdid it," Pein explained calmly. "His body's devoting most of its energy to helping the baby grow, and keeping him in female form. Using his Sharingan eyes simply put too much stress on the body."
"Then get the kid out!" Kisame ordered. "It's hurting Itachi-"
"Out of the question," Pein said.
"WHAT?!"
"Kisame, there are a grand total of three people who can carry on the Sharingan trait. One of them is a power-hungry you know what, the second is a bratty kid, and the third one is currently laying in a hospital bed, a child growing in them."
"You're banking on the kid getting Itachi's eyes," the shark spat out.
"Correct. You don't have any kekka genkai of your own, which adds to the chance of Itachi passing on his."
"But-"
"I would have thought you'd be happy about this. Itachi won't have to go on any missions until the child is born, and not for a few weeks after. He'll be nice and safe."
"And pregnant."
"Kisame, he's keeping the kid. Accept it and deal," Pein said, before calmly walking out the door.
Kisame shook his head. Perfect. This was just perfect.
Seconds later, Itachi began stirring in the bed. Kisame was at his side in a moment, sitting in a chair beside the bed. "Kisame?" the weasel asked.
"Yeah, I'm right-"
WHAM
Kisame rubbed his cheek, wincing as he did so. Oh right, the Uchiha was still mad at him. "Itachi, I just talked to Pein. He said he wants you to have the kid."
"…" the weasel rolled over, turning his back to the shark. Kisame had expected as much. "Hey, don't get mad at the messenger, Itachi! I'm just telling you what Sir Leader said, and there's nothing we can do about it."
"Go away," Itachi muttered. Clearly agitated, the weasel silently pulled the covers over his head.
"Not likely."
"…"
"Look, you have to believe me, angel. If I had even considered it possible for you to get, um, like this," he went on, not wanting to say the p word, "I wouldn't have done it."
"..Did you ask Pein about getting rid of it?" he asked quietly.
"Yes, but like I said, he refused! The jerk-"
"Get out."
"What?"
"Kisame, get out of here before I claw your throat out with my bare hands," the Uchiha ordered, voice cold and firm. Startled, the shark did as commanded, rising to his feet and leaving the room. Itachi burrowed further under the blankets, lost in thought.
--
Several hours later, the weasel heard the door to his hospital room open again. If it was Kisame again, he was going to carry out his earlier threat. "Itachi?" That shark was about to lose his throat.
"Itachi, we need to talk." The Uchiha heard the sound of a chair being slid across the floor, probably so Kisame could sit down a safe distance from the unstable weasel. "I think I figured out what set you off. Not the first time; the second."
"…"
"You got upset when I talked about how Pein wanted you to keep it. Or rather, when I told you I'd asked him to get the kid out of you."
"…"
"Itachi, is that because…you want to have the kid?"
"…Yes."
"But why?!"
Itachi threw back the covers and sat up, glaring daggers at his partner. "Because, Kisame, I do."
"I repeat, why?"
"I don't know."
Kisame's eyes widened. Itachi not knowing something? There was a first.
"But, if I had to guess," the Uchiha went on, "I'd say it's because this kid isn't just a baby. It's yours."
Kisame opened his mouth to speak, shut it, then opened it again. "Let me get this straight. You want to have this kid, because I'm the dad?" A death glare from the weasel only made him roll his eyes. "Itachi, you're the mom in this. Deal with it."
"Hn."
"Geez, don't I feel like an ass right about now," Kisame muttered, rubbing the back of his head, not sure what to say next.
"You should," Itachi said.
"I suppose I deserved that."
"Hn," Itachi replied, a hint of a smile on his face now.
"If you want the kid, I don't have a problem with letting you keep it," Kisame said. "I just didn't think you'd want a baby."
Itachi motioned for the shark to come closer, which he did. As soon as Kisame was close enough, Itachi wrapped his arms around the shark, face buried in the larger man's chest.
Kisame sat down on the edge of the bed, wrapping around the Uchiha and thanking high heaven that he'd been forgiven. "How about we never speak of that again?" he suggested.
"Hn," Itachi agreed softly.