Author's Note: Batman cradled Superman's head and was all "Oh dude, I totally love you. Like, so hellsa hard."

Superman was like, "For reals."

And then they did it.

Batman died shortly after.

Hello DC Comics, I am a writer of gay fan fiction, able to spot a homosexual man or woman at thirty paces or thirty pages, and lucky for you, I have spotted at least thirteen LGBT superheroes in your needlessly expansive DC Universe. And since most superhero comics are fully legal and endorsed fan fiction (since, you know, I haven't ever seen Shuster and Siegel's name on a comic with my own two eyes), I realized that I would be perfect for your employ.

What do you guys think, do I have a future in being an asshole? Probably.

And yes, Jace and Alec are the two best friends that ever lived. And accidentally screwed.

On a rambling but serious note: Thank you all for reading. By "you all" I mean the four people who aren't bored to tears already. You four people-who-are-probably-females rock. Everyone else who keeps reading just to talk crap about this story/the books/me/my mom, I also sincerely thank you. You guys rule.

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Alec got hold of himself after a few minutes and stood up. He glanced at the ice machine ruefully before padding back down the hall to the hotel room and unlocking the door.

Jace was still on the couch, fisting his erection single-mindedly. There was cum on his thighs, which meant he'd already come once in the few minutes since Alec had left the room. Leander was still drooling on the armrest of the couch.

Keeping his mouth shut, Alec raised an eyebrow and grabbed a towel from the bathroom. Jace's face was pinched, his shoulders tense, and it made Alec wonder what hurt more: his prick or his neck.

"Maybe you should just tough it out," Alec suggested, scooping some ice out into the towel. "You're gonna give yourself a blister."

"Too late for that," Jace replied through gritted teeth. Alec pulled an extra piece of ice out and rubbed it between his hands to melt it just a little. He bent over Jace and pressed the piece of ice to his erection.

Jace shuddered and gasped. A thimbleful of semen spilled from his prick onto his thighs and Alec stood up abruptly, startled. He was a little embarrassed that the ice cube had made Jace cum.

"That hurt, you ass," Jace groaned.

"You're the only person I've ever seen look like he was beating the monkey to death," Alec replied. "It would have hurt regardless."

Jace cringed and his hand began pumping again.

"Stop!" Alec exclaimed, grabbing his wrist. "Just tough it out for awhile."

"I can't stop, it's bleeding again." Jace swabbed one hand at the back of his neck and then held it out for Alec to examine.

His fingers were slick and red.

Quickly Alec grabbed a tissue and motioned him over to the bed. He tossed the towel and ice on the bed before sitting down on the edge of the mattress. Jace sat next to him and let Alec dab at the back of his neck with the tissue.

"It's not that much blood," Alec remarked as he wadded up the bloody tissue and tossed it across the room.

Wordlessly, Jace pointed to his discarded shirt on the floor next to the couch. At the beginning of the evening it had been a dark blue, but now it was a deep muddy red. Disgusted – and a little worried – Alec got to his feet and grabbed the shirt. He took it into the bathroom and began running it under the tap.

A hissing noise from the bedroom made him drop the shirt and peek out the bathroom door. Jace was on the bed, lying on his back, one knee in the air, cock stiff on his belly, ice under his neck, face and chest tomato red. The ice cubes hissed and cracked as they vaporized, sending steam billowing up from under Jace's head.

"Woah." Alec's eyes went wide. Jace put his hands on his forehead and pursed his lips, face red and pained. "I have terrible ideas, don't listen to me anymore. Go back to the jerking off plan."

"It hurts too much." Jace growled.

"What are you, made of glass?" Alec exclaimed, drawing closer to the bed.

"Ass." Jace's voice was almost faint. "I beat it three times this morning. I can't fucking take anymore." Alec wanted to ask him why three times, or how he managed to get hard enough to want to go home with a girl after those three times, but thought better of it.

"Maybe I should call Isabelle," Alec said, glancing at the phone.

"Are you shitting me?" Jace gasped. "With me like this?"

"You're burning alive!" Alec protested, gesturing to Jace's prone body.

"If you told her what was wrong, she'd bring Maryse," Jace said darkly. "Do you really want either of them to know what we were doing in here?"

There was silence.

Alec swallowed. What were they doing in here, Jace? Say it.

"Leann or Leander or whothefuckever, the Gender Bending Wonder Downworlder, and a sex rune, and cum all over the fucking place," Jace spat. "You want her to see that? Should we toss in a Leprechaun and a donkey while we're at it? Maybe a dead hooker?"

"No," Alec retorted angrily. "But it'd be better than watching you burn to death."

"We'll have to agree to disagree," Jace muttered.

Alec wanted to know if Jace didn't want Marys to see him hot, bothered, and out of control; or if he didn't want her to see him naked and stinking of cum with her son. The thought burned him and he closed his eyes.

"I can… help if you want me to." Alec had to fight against himself to say it.

"Yes, I want you to help," Jace moaned. "Fuck, anything, Alec, just do it. I feel like my head's going to catch fire."

Alec stooped to pick up the discarded bottle of gel that Leann had tossed on the ground. He glanced at her/his unconscious form and for a moment, speculated where on her/his body she/he had been keeping it. Dismissing the repulsive thought, he opened the container as he walked to Jace.

Kneeling on the bed, he squeezed some of the gel onto his fingers and rubbed them together. He used his clean hand to lift Jace's other knee and moved between his legs.

"You've gotta relax and just sort of go with it, okay?" Alec said, leaning closer to Jace. Tentatively, he moved his fingers to Jace's ass, massaging his anus very gently. He felt the muscle twitch beneath his touch and pressed in one finger just a bit, enough that the muscle clamped down on only his fingernail.

The ice stopped hissing and popping.

He pushed the single finger in deeper, eyes flicking up to Jace's face. The blonde was still red, but the pained look was gone. There was complete silence between them as Alec slid his finger deeper into Jace.

He pulled the finger out and placed a second finger at Jace's entrance, probing carefully until both digits squeezed into him. His eyes moved up to the rest of Jace. The blonde's hands were fisted into the sheets and his face was drawn.

But he wasn't steaming anymore.

The two fingers wormed into Jace, struggling to get in deeper. Jace's foot squirmed on the sheets next to Alec and his toes wiggled, almost anxiously.

"Tell me if you want to stop," Alec said, looking up at Jace.

Jace did not reply, his jaw set firmly.

Alec's fingers were embedded so deeply into Jace that his palm was pressed against Jace's body, and he began to pull them out, so slowly that it nearly drove them both mad.

Suddenly Jace's hips twisted and his eyes popped open in surprise. His lips parted and he gasped. Alec pushed his fingers back into Jace and repeated the motion, earning another small gasp.

"What…" Jace tried to sit up, but when Alec's fingers thrust against his prostate again, he collapsed flat onto his back. During the trip into the hallway, Alec's erection had gone limp, and he'd forgotten about it completely when he'd been cleaning up the bloody shirt.

But now, between Jace's legs, looking up at his long, muscular body lying flat on the bed, erection thick and long, hands digging into sheets, a haze of sex on his face, and two fingers plunged deep into his ass…

Alec was so fucking hard.

He had to stop himself from panting in excitement when Jace lifted his hips and made a small noise. Forget the blow job. He'd be jerking off to this image for the rest of his life. When he was ninety and needed runes just to take a shit in the morning, he'd still be rubbing one out to the thought of Jace on his back like this. He pressed his palm against his jeans where his cock was standing at attention, eyes glued to the junction of Jace's legs.

"Is this… turning you on?"

Jace's voice snapped Alec out of his thoughts. He quickly looked up at Jace, who had propped himself up on his elbows. His eyes were smoldering, as if lit by something other than the fluorescent bedside lamp. Alec swallow reflexively and quickly snatched his hand away from his own crotch.

He didn't have an answer for Jace, but the lump in the front of his jeans spoke for itself. Jace's eyes moved down to look at it. Embarrassed, Alec tried to ignore the situation, focusing on fingering Jace.

"You want to fuck me?" Jace asked, tilting his head. It wasn't an offer, it was an honest question. The humiliation became so intense that Alec couldn't speak, let alone give some indication he'd heard Jace. "You should."

Shocked, Alec's hand froze, and he raised his eyes to look at Jace.

"What?"

"Your hand is gonna get tired," Jace told him. "You already jerked me off once tonight. If you want to screw me, then do it. When are you going to get another chance like this?"

Alec didn't have a response because he was torn apart by the throbbing in his cock and the painful ripping in his chest. He opened his mouth silently and then closed it again. For a moment, he thought he might cry.

The answer to Jace's question was 'never.' He would never get another chance like this. Obviously. This was a one-time deal.

Alec had done one-time deals, and frankly, they weren't as great as everyone made them out to be (specifically, as great as Isabelle made them out to be). Sure, it was exciting, which meant he could get off quicker. But that meant that the fun part didn't last as long, and there was usually so much awkwardness that it wasn't nearly fun enough to begin with.

But while he was thinking this, he was getting onto his knees and flipping out the bedside light so that the room was illuminated only by a streetlamp that shone under the curtains and the blue glow of Jace's rune. Even as he debated the effects on his heart versus his libido, he was pulling his pants down, rubbing the gel across his prick and pressing its blunt tip against Jace's ass. He stopped arguing with himself when he pushed his hips forward.

"I…" he gasped as the head of his erection disappeared into Jace. He dipped his head and panted once as he pushed in deeper. "Jace, I…"

"Shut up," Jace moaned, and his back arched into the air.

They were nearly silent, panting and gasping together in the dark. Once inside him, Alec held still and waited for a few moments so Jace's body could adjust to him.

Jace's rune glowed against the pillows and ice, the silhouette of his jaw and neck more visible than anything else in the room else. Alec stared at it.

The angle of his jaw… was angelic. An angular angel. Alec's head spun for a moment and he leaned forward. His fingers found Jace's jaw and stroked it gently, and Christ, he was so glad he was invisible in the dark.

He bowed his head forward and kissed where his fingers had touched, feeling Jace's jaw clench and unclench beneath his lips. It was so pitch black and Jace glowed so softly that Alec shivered in anticipation for a moment.

His lips trailed across Jace's face to his mouth and they kissed. Alec could feel his eyes burning, wanting to cry, and broke the kiss quickly. He pressed their foreheads together and slowly pulled his cock out of Jace an inch before thrusting it back in.

"Is this… what you did with…" Jace's voice broke as Alec thrust into him again, but he didn't need to finish the sentence for Alec to understand he was asking about Magnus.

"Yeah." Alec could hear himself, somber and hurt. Jace did not seem to notice as he twisted his shoulders and shivered.

"Tell me what to do."

"Tilt your hips up," Alec mumbled. Jace did it quickly and unexpectedly, and when Alec thrust in again, his hips collided with Jace's buttocks in a sharp slapping noise.

Jace's arms were suddenly around him, pulling him in closer, and a hungry mouth kissed him again, the tongue inside forceful and insistent. Alec squared his hips and knees and thrust harder. It earned a moan from Jace, and the kiss broke.

"I don't want to do this," Alec whispered, shaking his head frantically.

"Shut up," Jace repeated, emphasizing the statement with a firm kiss. Alec growled into the kiss, grinding his hips into Jace excitedly.

"Things… are going to be different tomorrow," Alec breathed against his mouth. It was so much easier to admit these things to the darkness rather than to a person.

"Are you going to screw or are you going to talk?" Jace hissed, kissing him roughly.

"I…" Alec's voice caught and he tried again. "I want to tell you… before…"

"I'm gonna cum," Jace moaned and his fingers dug into Alec. "Faster."

The urgency in his voice sent tingles down Alec's spine and he worked his hips faster, eager to comply. The tight heat of Jace made him forget that it was too late to take back the things he'd said and done, and the incredible friction wiped his mind clean of everything except the way Jace's hips rose to meet him.

Jace's arms and ass gripped Alec so tightly it hurt; his body trembled as his hips jerked, and suddenly there was something sticky and wet between their stomachs. Pressing their chests together, Jace whispered something so hoarse and soft that Alec could not hear.

The blue glow faded slowly and disappeared, leaving them in almost complete darkness.

Alec knew he should stop. He should see if Jace was alright because this was about him, not Alec, and he might suddenly come to his senses and freak out and –

"Alec, fuck," Jace whispered, almost whimpered, and held him tighter.

The intensity sledgehammered into Alec and he moaned so suddenly that he startled himself. He choked on the moan, coughing, moaning, and shuddering. The heat closed in on him, flowing fast and rough through his body as the fire rose up through his balls and down his prick.

Jace's hands ran through his hair, and Alec couldn't even think. He was still coughing, and he stopped thrusting so that he could sit up, Jace's arms loosening and letting go.

Pulling out of Jace slowly and coughing, Alec collapsed onto the bed. His arm flopped around the mattress, slapping the sheets in search of a pillow to put under his head.

"I think… it's over," Jace panted.

"The glowing went away," Alec whispered between hacks.

"Thank the angel," Jace groaned, and Alec could see him rub his face wearily.

Alec wanted so badly for this night to be over. It was fucking torture, like peeling open old wounds and squeezing lemon juice into them before suturing them back up with barbed wire. And then asking Clary to share her opinions on herself while you were bedridden.

He rolled onto his side, back to Jace, and shut his eyes. If he fell asleep it would end that much sooner. He could wake up before Jace and get the fuck out of there, go home, get into his own bed, and no one would be the wiser.

"Alec?" Jace's voice sounded exhausted, and Alec felt guilty for a moment. "Thanks for not calling Maryse."

"Yeah." He said it as gruffly as he could manage.

Suddenly a hand was on the back of his head, petting his hair gently again. Alec closed his eyes. He rolled back and crawled closer, resting his head on Jace's shoulder, keeping their bodies apart.

Jace went completely rigid and unmoving. Alec wondered if it meant his parabatai was about to lose his cool demeanor. But he couldn't bring himself to give a shit anymore, and closed his eyes.

After a moment, Jace's hand stroked through Alec's hair. Alec sighed softly.

He could deal with everything else in the morning.

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Author's Note Part Deux: The Reckoning: If this fan fiction has revealed any deep, dark secrets about female anatomy that perhaps you were unaware of, you should seriously consider joining one of those charming Lady Bits Empowerment classes where they ask you to wear a skirt, sit you down on the floor in a circle and give you a mirror. Or so I hear. I have very little need for such a class, so my knowledge about it is pretty secondhand.

To finish this up, action verbs! JAB, CRAM, SPIN, SLIP, SLIDE, THRUST, PIROUETTE! How dynamic of me. I need some spirit fingers or something.