"And I am nothing of a builder
But here I dreamt I was an architect
And I built this balustrade to keep you home,
to keep you safe from the outside world
But the angles and the corners, even though my
 work is unparalleled, they never seemed to meet
This structure fell about our feet
And we were free to go."

-The Decemberists

The most beautiful moment of her life transformed into a nightmare not even an hour after Jenny left Nate's boat.

Something was wrong, she could feel it by the emptiness of the loft. Rufus' bedroom door was wide open and he wasn't anywhere in sight to question her about her whereabouts of the previous night. In the future when she would look back on this memory, Jenny would barely remember tiptoeing into her room and changing out of the dress she had worn the night before. She would barely recall washing off her makeup and wondering if her family would be able to detect the smells of Nate and the ocean and the breeze in her hair. The one thing that would always be clear in her mind would be turning on her phone to listen to the message on her phone that shocked her out of her dreamy, sleepy stupor. Vanessa was in the hospital -- critical condition -- no hope -- Jenny could barely understand the words coming from Dan's mouth and she was shaking by the end of the message because the message had been at one thirty in the morning, and now it was seven.

She wouldn't remember the too-long taxi drive to the hospital, but she'd remember rushing into Vanessa's room and seeing Dan there with his head in his hands and Rufus in the corner whispering into the phone. She would never forget the lifeless body on the bed and the quiet sound of her own heart breaking neatly in two, the pounding in her ears and the sound of her feet on the floor as she rushed to the bathroom to vomit because guilt and terror and unbelievable pain and sadness refused to let her keep anything down when Vanessa would never breathe or eat or feel again, because she was dead.

She was dead.

A week later and Jenny was still breaking still breathing still feeling when she wasn't supposed to be. At Vanessa's funeral she was still shaking still crying still falling apart and Dan was too and so were Vanessa's parents, whom Jenny had never before, and her sister Ruby was there too, solemn and silent. And Dan was pale and reserved and unstable, his dark eyes confused and unsure and it pained Jenny to see him this way, because Vanessa was his best friend and what was he going to do without her? Jenny closed her eyes as the priest spoke about the cause of death -- the hit and run accident -- how a few hours later the driver had turned himself in. The driver's name wasn't mentioned but Jenny glanced behind her to see Serena with her face unusually drawn and unsmiling and Lily beside her with glassy eyes.

Because now Keith Van der Woodsen was being charged for drunk driving and they all knew that he was the man who ran away from everything. He'd get out of it and he, the man who accidentally killed Vanessa, would emerge without a scratch thanks to his high-priced lawyers, whereas Vanessa would never breathe again, never smile...

When they started to lower the casket into the ground Jenny bawled and tightened her grip on her father's hand. Yes, the girls hadn't been on good terms in the past year, and she now regretted it. Because was a boy really worth a friendship? When Vanessa was the one who'd helped Jenny get into the Masked Ball so long ago where Jenny had first met a certain boy whose name was now forbidden in her mind, when Vanessa was the one who encouraged her fashion design career, when Vanessa was the one who'd convinced Rufus to let her do home schooling...

Had Nate really been worth losing that? And now she had to live with the guilt every day for the rest of her goddamn life because while Vanessa had been dying Jenny had been kissing that boy with his blue eyes and brown hair and too-soft lips and gentle touch and she couldn't think about it she couldn't she wouldn't let herself...

Jenny looked up across the casket to see Nate on the other side and she felt her heart break into the smallest bits they'd ever been in because he was crying, too. His childlike blue eyes were misted over and the tears were slow and he was more controlled than her because he was Nate, always composed like his parents had raised him to be. He finally looked at Jenny for the first time in a week and there was a long moment where they just gazed at each other, and then he tilted his head to the left a little, his eyes flickering in that direction, and Jenny understood. He wanted to be alone with her. She nodded slowly, flexing one hand -- five fingers, five minutes.

As people began to disperse Nate walked along one of the pathways, disappearing behind some trees; Jenny stayed where she was, her head bowed, her eyes closed as the last few tears trickled away. She and Nate hadn't spoken in a week, not since the night on his boat...

Minutes later Jenny met Nate in a secluded, tiny courtyard surrounded by trees. The silence pressed against her ears and the falling golden leaves brushed past her in the wind; her eyes found his and she stopped walking a foot away from him. For the longest time all they could do was gaze at each other with their equally sad eyes. Finally Jenny shook her head a little, and he knew -- he understood.

Her mouth quivered as she said quietly, "We can't."

"I don't want to break my promise to you. I don't want to leave you," he whispered, and his voice was hoarse.

She gazed at him with her weary eyes and stepped closer to him without a word; he opened his arms and pulled her to him. A tear slipped out of Jenny's eye and she pressed her face in his shirt; he kissed the top of her head gently, closing his eyes and memorizing everything because this could be the last time he'd get to hold her, kiss her forehead and hair like this. He couldn't do it enough; there was no way he could ever get enough of such a drug. Nothing else got him so high, but right now he was crashing down to the Earth because his supply was so limited. They were done on Jenny's terms this time and it stung but he understood. She couldn't handle the guilt; she had morals that made her a far better person than he. She was clutching his shirt as she cried and he found himself crying too, and this was the worst thing in the world, losing her again when he knew things weren't supposed to be this way. Nate wanted more than anything to be by her side, to tell people to fuck off if they had a problem with their relationship, and he held her more tightly to him -- he didn't want to leave her, not at all, and it felt like he'd not only lost Vanessa but Jenny too.

At one of the entrances to the courtyard Dan and Serena stopped in their tracks; Serena tugged on his arm a little and they moved back, out of sight. Serena noticed that both of their eyes were closed and their cheeks were wet, and her normally smiling mouth twitched downward in pity.

"What are they doing?" Dan asked, a vein in his temple twitching when he remembered that he wanted Nate Archibald to stay the hell away from his sister. The fact that he would have to live with guilt over yelling at Vanessa a month ago because of the things she'd done for this guy was too much to bear. Of course, he'd forgiven Vanessa the day after he heard, but still. Dan never yelled at Vanessa, never got angry with her...

Serena was silent for a long while, and she reached out and grabbed Dan's elbow when he attempted to take a step forward and pulled him away from the scene with her. When Nate and Jenny were out of sight she placed her hands on his shoulders and looked into his eyes. "You have to leave them alone, Dan."

"Why? Why should I?"

Her voice was soft and sad and her eyes were too. "Because they're saying goodbye."

Jenny stayed home that night. Dan and Rufus were at the Abrams' hotel room, comforting Vanessa's parents. She couldn't do it. Jenny couldn't look at their crying faces anymore and keep pretending that she hadn't made out with Vanessa's ex while she was dying, so she curled up on the couch that Nate had once slept on when he'd stayed with them so long ago. She pretended his scent still lingered there and wrapped herself up in a blanket and turned on the television. The local news station was on and she was too tired to reach for the remote; all she wanted was to mindlessly tune out, so she leaned back against the couch, her mind going blank as images flashed across the screen.

Just when her mind was nice and blank, Keith Van der Woodsen's face showed up on the screen. Jenny sat upright as the anchorwoman spoke about Lily Bass' former husband, father of famed socialite Serena Van der Woodsen and the crime he recently committed -- driving drunk and getting into a hit and run and killing an innocent person -- and how the trial would take place in a month. They speculated if he'd get out of it and Jenny thought that would be the end of the news feature. But no; it was only the beginning.

They went into detail about the victim, about Vanessa, and seeing the girl's face on the screen made Jenny choke as newfound tears struggled out of her eyelids. She could feel her heart breaking down because this was just a story to them, just a story about an Upper East Sider in his mid-fourties who had more money than he could manage, and they had to milk it for all it was worth. They played one of Vanessa's shorter films and Jenny saw her own face flash across the screen because this had been made ages ago, back when they were good friends, and she was shaking because this wasn't how things were supposed to be. Vanessa's movie wasn't supposed to be on television because she was dead; it was supposed to premiere on television because she was alive and becoming successful.

An interview with Nate came on. It was recent -- shot with Vanessa's parents and her sister apparently just after the funeral. As Jenny watched the tears slowed and stopped; she had no more in her supply. Nate's face was sad and weary but she couldn't find any pieces of her heart that were able to break anymore. They were too small -- they were practically nothing.

"Such a death is just tragic..." The anchorwoman's voice was in the background, sounding just so desperate for a story.

"Anne Boleyn thought only with her heart and she got her head chopped off--" Blair's voice played in Jenny's head, quietly at first.

"...especially considering how young you both were, Nate...."

"So her daughter Elizabeth made a vow never to marry a man. She married her country--" The voice was louder now.

"...how are you going to cope with losing Vanessa?"

"Forget boys. Keep your eye on the prize, Jenny Humphrey--"

"We spent more than a year on and off, so of course it will be difficult. Because, you know, we loved each other. No one can ever be quite like her." He loved Vanessa and it stung and everything was a blur after that because she wasn't sure what was stinging -- was that her heart? Where was it?

"You can't make people love you, but you can make them fear you--" The voice was so loud now that Jenny cringed, and it hurt more than it would have if Blair had come right up to her ear and shouted in it. Jenny felt herself freezing over as the remaining, dustlike pieces of her heart blew away and became nothing. The blanket slipped away from her shoulders and for the longest time she was silent, staring ahead of her without truly seeing. She wasn't sure how long it was until she moved again. Her hands were cold and the tears on her cheeks felt frozen in place. If she had looked in a mirror, would she have been alarmed by how frigid her eyes had suddenly become? Or would she even care?

"You have to be cool to be Queen."

Thanks to everyone for reviewing! I appreciate it so much. Reviews are always appreciated and always keep me inspired!