Chapter 25: Not before the rest of us completely lose ourselves
"Doctor Keller will come up with something before that happens," Colonel Carter tried to be positive. Giving me her undivided attention she looked at me curiously. "John was telling me your symptoms have improved."
"Yeah," I agreed. "It's been at least an hour now and the headache and dizziness have gone. I feel completely normal. Doctor Keller took some blood samples but I haven't heard anything back about why."
"If it turns out for whatever reason that you are immune to this, implementing whatever solution we eventually come up with could fall to you," Colonel Carter warned.
"And that's gonna be difficult if none of you remember me," I concluded, carefully not looking at John as I said it. It was a deliberate avoidance – not of him – of the idea that somewhere in my not too distant future there would be a John Sheppard with no recollection of me, one who was going to look at me and see only a stranger. The very idea of it left me feeling shaky and nervous, like my whole world was shaped by how John saw me. It scared me to contemplate how I'd operate and deal with the world if I was no one to him.
"Did Doctor Keller give you any idea of how long she needed to test your blood?" John asked me. I glanced at him quickly before looking back at Colonel Carter, but it was more than enough for me to realise he was well aware of my fears.
"No," I replied. "Maybe I should go check, see if she's found anything?"
"Good idea," John agreed. "I'll come with you."
Not waiting for anything further from Rodney or Carter, John grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the office and down the stairs. We walked across the Gateroom in silence ... I was expecting John to say something but he didn't and I felt myself relax just a little that I wouldn't have to talk about the inherent horror of this disease just yet.
When we arrived in the infirmary Doctor Keller was standing in the middle with her arms wrapped around herself, a blank expression on her face.
"Jennifer?" I looked at her in concern.
"We just lost Gerald Baxter," Jennifer admitted sadly. "He was the most advanced patient. I was hoping that the deterioration wouldn't progress to that stage but ... we're running out of time."
"Did you find out anything from those blood tests?" I asked hopefully.
"What blood tests?" Jennifer looked at me in puzzlement, catching the concerned look John and I exchanged. Her face blanched and when she put a hand to her forehead I noticed it was shaking. "It's happening to me," she confirmed our fears. "I forgot Ronon had been down here for blood work too. I'll just ... Sabina, perhaps you could stick around while I run the tests, make sure I -,"
"Keep you company until the results come in?" I broke in; glad to have a real task that might actually help us find the answers. "I'd be happy to."
"I just need to talk to Sabina for a minute first," John told Jennifer. "Then I'll send her back in to you."
Jennifer nodded gratefully, moving across to the refrigerated unit where they usually filed and stored patient samples. John didn't let me protest, once again grabbing my hand and drawing me out into the corridor. He said nothing as he led me past several doorways before he found what he was looking for. Swiping a hand over the door control he guided me into one of the storage rooms and closed the door behind us.
"I don't think we have time for this," I quipped, trying to smile in the face of John's serious expression and failing miserably. Looking away I couldn't help the almost pleading tone in my voice. "Don't do this right now John ... please."
"I can't even begin to imagine how horrible this is gonna be when everyone forgets who they are," John ignored my attempts to bury my head in the sand. "The only thing worse is being the only person who does remember."
"Teyla and Ronon are still both okay too," I pointed out. "And Jennifer will work out what this is so maybe it won't get that far."
"She will," John agreed, "but probably not before the rest of us completely lose ourselves."
"Are you scared?" I asked, finding I needed to take a seat on one of the larger crates now I'd realised I wasn't going to avoid the difficult conversation. "I can't think of anything worse than losing memories ... although I guess once you're there you won't know what it is you've lost so maybe it won't be that bad."
"I'm worried about you," John admitted, coming over to sit beside me. "I don't know what I'm gonna be like. I just wanted to get you alone so I could tell you something. It might seem like I don't remember you but I will – deep down where it counts I will know who you are. I just might do a poor job of showing you."
"Okay," I said in a small voice, fighting the sudden urge to start crying.
"Sabina?" John nudged my shoulder, bending his head down to try and get a look at my face.
"Just ...," I swallowed hard, trying to reign in my emotions, "give me a minute here."
"Look, it might not get that far," John tried to rally my positivity, putting his arm around me and squeezing tight. "I just want you to be prepared if it does."
Deep down I already knew it would ... there had been too few hours between Katie getting the first symptoms and beginning to lose her memories. If my calculations were correct John had probably another few hours at most before he'd forget everyone and everything he ever knew ... including me.
Turning suddenly I launched myself into his arms, almost knocking us both off balance as I wrapped my arms around him and buried my head in his chest. John grunted at the effort of keeping us both upright, bracing his legs to take my weight.
"I hate this," I mumbled into his shirt. "I almost wish I hadn't gotten better because watching you forget me is gonna be the height of cruelty."
"You getting better might be the key to the rest of us getting better too," John reminded me.
I nodded reluctantly, content at that moment to just exist within the circle of his arms. I'd always been safe there – I knew who I was there. John was patient, letting me take the time I needed – it was his radio crackling that ended our brief interlude.
"Major Lorne needs help rounding up personnel," John told me.
"You have to go," I agreed, "and so do I – Jennifer needs to finish those blood tests asap." I moved to break our circle but John held me back.
"Give me a kiss first," he ordered.
So I did. And I made it a good one, throwing everything I had into imprinting myself onto him, like somehow that would stop memories of me from being lost. When it ended and John shifted as though he were going to break our hold, it felt too much like goodbye and I couldn't bear that. So I held him back for another kiss, making this one all about passion and sex and the promise of more to come. He had me pressed up against the door and plastered all over him before I made myself bring it to an end.
"I ah," John had to take a moment to get back to reality, running his hand through his hair as he tried to calm himself down. "Nice way to ensure I'm incapable of thinking about anything other than what I'd like to be doing to you right now."
I smiled unapologetically. "Whatever works," I quipped, stepping close and smoothing my hands down his shirt as though to straighten him out. I even went as far as trying to fix the mess he'd made of his hair but gave it up as a lost cause.
"Done?" John asked with a fond and somewhat bewildered expression.
"For now," I agreed simply. "Be careful ... husband."
"You too ... wife," John smiled, leaning down to kiss me again before he turned and left the storage room. I sat back down on our crate, putting my hands over my face and letting the tears come. I gave myself a few minutes of release before pushing it all back down inside, exiting the storage room in search of Doctor Keller.
oOo
My next hour was all about sitting with Doctor Keller, making sure she didn't get distracted by something else and forget what she needed to do. Jennifer seemed to mostly be herself as she ran tests on both Ronon's and my blood. Only the fact that she was muttering reminders to herself for the next step and occasionally struggled to come up with exactly the right term to describe something advertised that she had the illness and that it was slowly getting worse.
Jennifer seemed to be wrapping her work up to a conclusion so I took the chance to find out how John was doing, the ever present worry over him buzzing continually at the back of my mind.
"Ronon – how are things going at your end?" I decided the subtle approach would work better in this case.
"We're still rounding up the stragglers," Ronon replied.
"And John?" I asked quietly.
"He's fine," Ronon reassured me.
"No memory loss?" I persisted.
"Ah ... he might have forgotten where the Mess Hall was just a minute ago," Ronon admitted. "Apart from that nothing noticeable."
"Okay, thanks Ronon," I sat back after signing off, looking up at Jennifer and realising she was watching me. "I was just -,"
"It's understandable," Jennifer said with a smile.
"Have you got anything?" I asked hopefully, gesturing back to her computer screen.
"Yes," Jennifer agreed. "I want to finish searching the database and then I'll need to meet with the others."
"Do you still want me to -," I broke off when my radio activated.
"Sabina, can you come down to my office?" John requested.
"I'm on my way," I confirmed after raising an eyebrow at Jennifer and getting her nod in agreement.
oOo
"That's a really good idea John," I complimented, glancing across at Ronon and Major Lorne to see them both nodding too. John had decided that Evan should take a photo of John and put a message on it that might help in the future if issues over who was in charge began to crop up. "What can I do?"
"I thought you should witness this too, just in case Ronon is otherwise occupied," John handed Evan the instant camera and put a bland expression on his face.
"Are you trying to scare the Major with that face?" I asked semi seriously.
Evan smirked as he lined up the shot, taking it just as John let a small smile of amusement grace his face. Lorne pulled the developing photo from the front and held it out so we could watch the image appear.
"I never realised you were so photogenic," I quipped, impressed that John actually looked pretty hot even though an instant camera photo was never as good as a digital one.
"Let's see how you turn out," John grabbed the camera from Evan and did a rapid aim and fire shot of me. Ripping out the photo he raised it above his head where I couldn't get to it.
"You two get more juvenile all the time," Ronon commented, watching in amusement as I tried to reach as high as John could, giving up when I realised I couldn't.
"You'll get rid of that if it's horrible right?" I watched John's face as he looked down at the photo, his eyes twinkling as his creation slowly took shape.
"I'm not getting rid of this," John protested.
"Let me see," I made another quick swipe, this time actually managing to get the photo away from him. I'd never been that fond of looking at myself in photos and this time was no different. I had a smile on my face and I didn't look weird or stupid and that was usually the best I could hope for.
"What do you want me to write on this Sir?" Major Lorne drew our attention back to the reason we were all there.
"Just say who I am and that I'm in command," John decided.
"Yes Sir," Evan bent over the photo, writing his message carefully.
"Keep that in your vest pocket," John instructed Evan. "Ronon, make sure he doesn't remove it. Hopefully if we need it you'll remember taking it."
"Hopefully," Evan agreed. "If that's all Sir I'll return to patrol."
"Thanks Major," John waved a hand for him to get on with it. "Take Ronon with you ... securing everyone in the one area is our top priority for now."
Evan paused at the door to give me a more intent look, his expression questioning. With a shrug and a shake of my head I told him not to ask ... that for now I was okay and there was nothing he could do. Nodding in return he motioned for Ronon to precede him out of John's office.
I sat down at John's desk, looking again at the photo he'd taken of me. Making an instant decision I grabbed a pen and started writing a message of my own.
"Hey," John protested when he noticed what I was doing. "That was mine."
"It's still yours," I said, holding out the photo for him to reclaim. "I just autographed it for you."
"This is your wife – you love her," John smiled as he read the words I'd written to go along with my name. "And don't you ever forget it," he ordered with all seriousness.
"Even if it seems like you have?" I asked with a trembling smile.
"Especially if it seems like I have," John drew me into him, hugging me fiercely. Pulling away he carefully tucked my photo away in his top pocket. "Let's go check in with Colonel Carter – see if Keller's come up with anything yet."
oOo
When we got to Colonel Carter's office we discovered that the rest of John's team was already there, along with Doctor Keller.
"I've completed the tests on both Ronon's and Sabina's blood," Jennifer reported. "Neither of them had any traces of the bacteria that seems to be causing this. I can't say why that is for Sabina at this stage but it did lead me to something I wanted to show you," she told us. She called up an image on the view screen of a big circular object all cratered and odd looking.
"This is the bacteria that is causing our disease?" Teyla asked curiously.
"Not exactly, but it's very similar," Jennifer replied.
"And you found this in the database?" Colonel Carter confirmed.
"I stopped looking in the database," Jennifer admitted. "I knew there was a reason why Teyla and Ronon in particular showed no signs of the illness. We don't have a lot of information on the Satedans so I started looking through Doctor Beckett's records on the Athosians." She pointed to the screen and continued. "This is a blood sample taken from a ten year old boy. He was suffering from something called, um ... er ... I wrote it down ..."
"Kirsan fever?" Teyla suggested.
"Yeah, that's it," Jennifer said gratefully.
"It is a common childhood ailment throughout the galaxy," Teyla told us. "I had it when I was eight."
"I had it when I was ten," Ronon offered.
"But this cannot be the same disease," Teyla continued. "Kirsan fever does not affect adults, nor does it cause memory loss."
"Well, that may be true but the structure of the bacteria is too similar to ignore. They have to be related somehow," Jennifer insisted.
"Wait a minute," Rodney clicked his fingers several times as an explanation occurred to him. "Maybe they are the same. That would explain why the sensors didn't identify it as a threat."
"How is that possible?" Teyla asked.
"Well, think about it," Rodney relied. "I mean, this planet didn't have a Stargate until we came here. Maybe when the Ancients were first scouting this place, they accidentally brought this, er ... Kirsan fever with them. It got trapped here and over the course of ten thousand years it mutated to cause the symptoms we're now experiencing."
"That would also explain why you and Ronon aren't affected," Jennifer directed her comment to Teyla. "You have antibodies built up from when you were young."
"Well, if they have the antibodies, then ..." Colonel Carter was obviously thinking about the cure coming from that direction.
"It would take months to reverse-engineer a cure," Jennifer admitted grimly. "I mean, I'm not even sure it's possible."
"What about Sabina's result?" John asked. "She had symptoms and now she doesn't. Can we use that somehow to come up with a cure?"
"At this stage I can't even confirm that Sabina had the illness in the first place," Doctor Keller explained. "She may just have a natural immunity - which isn't medically unheard of. Even for things as deadly as the bubonic plague there were always cases of people who never contracted it, no matter how many times they were exposed. Sabina's headache this morning could have been simply that – a headache. I'd need to run detailed blood work to know more and to be honest that's a little beyond my current capabilities. A cure for this thing isn't going to come from that direction."
"The sap of the enchuri plant," Teyla announced. "My people have used it for generations to combat Kirsan fever. It is highly effective and not much is needed."
"Let's go get some," John stood up, all for immediate action.
"Take a Jumper," Colonel Carter approved the mission.
"Wait a minute," Ronon protested. "You've disabled the Gate, remember?"
When Colonel Carter looked confused Teyla clarified that. "You ordered Doctor Zelenka to take the control crystal. Where did he put it?" John looked at Carter worriedly before making the call.
"Zelenka, this is Sheppard. Come in."
Radek didn't reply ... which wasn't a good sign.
"Lorne, come in," John tried that angle instead.
"Yes, sir, go ahead," Evan's familiar voice came back strongly.
"You seen Zelenka?" John asked.
"As a matter of fact, I have," Lorne replied.
"Did you bring him to the Mess Hall?" John sounded hopeful.
"Uh, sorry, sir, but he gave us the slip," Lorne admitted. "Must have heard us coming. Cracked one of my people over the head with a metal rod and disappeared down a service hatch before I could get a shot off. There's no telling where he is now."
"We need to find him," Colonel Carter looked to John. "Colonel, take a team and search the area surrounding that service hatch."
John nodded, wordlessly communicating for his team to fall in. Looking at me he raised an eyebrow. "You want to come along?"
"I'd like to but shouldn't at least one of the people currently not affected by this hang around up here ... just in case?" my tone was reluctant because of course I'd much rather stick with John, even knowing Ronon and Teyla were more than capable of looking after him.
"Good idea," John approved. "You stay with Colonel Carter until you hear back from us."
Raising a hand in farewell he turned and led the rest of his team from the room.
Author's Note:
Hope this wasn't too Sabina emotional/angsty ... it just struck me as odd that they all knew they'd be loosing their memories but noone seemed particularly troubled by that ... personally I'd be terrified if I knew in advance that was gonna happen to me!
Next Up? Fortunate Journey Season 4 Chapter 26