keiraliz: Yeah it won't take that much... :S
nineteennintytwo: #the author hands the crying reviewer a tissue#
callieandjack: #hands you a tissue too#
bmdrose: It was depressing to write! :(
klutzygal12: Yup, she is! And she does have quite a temper, so you kinda feel bad for Lizzie!
SaveroftheSun: #hands you a tissue#
Valor: Good-d-d-d id-d-d-ea! Keep t-t-t-t-alking even if he t-r-ries t-t-to shoot-t-t you!
I said nothing. They may have tried to talk to me, but I wasn't in the mood to listen. I didn't know how we'd ended up at Tia's and I didn't really care. My eyes were sore from crying. It was nowhere near half as bad as the pain and guilt I felt, but some of my sadness was starting to turn to anger. I stared at the floor. I couldn't bring myself to look around Tia's room because the last time I'd been here was with him. I couldn't bear to think about him or mention his name; the pain was getting to be too much to live with.
A shadow fell across me. I glanced up at Tia who was holding a tray of steaming mugs. She offered one to me and Elizabeth, who was sitting next to me. Elizabeth tried to refuse, but Tia was adamant she should have some. "Against the cold," she pressed. "And the sorrow."
Elizabeth took one and I felt the need to do likewise. I took a sip. I didn't know what it was. I couldn't taste anything. I couldn't smell anything. Across the other end of the room Will sighed, "So the Pearl's gone, along with her Captain."
"Aye," muttered Gibbs. "And already the world seems a bit less bright without them."
"Then why didn't you do something to stop it?!" I found myself on my feet, angry words tumbling out of my mouth and hot tears spilling down my already tear-stained cheeks. But words and tears weren't enough. I needed to vent my anger in a more physical way. The tray was still hovering in my sight and without even thinking about it, I swung my arm through the air and sent the mugs crashing to the floor. I saw more than felt the burns from the boiling liquid. Everyone was staring at me, shocked. Some of them couldn't meet my gaze, but I glared at all them. All my anger and guilt was put into blaming them. I found that I was grabbing many of Tia's things and throwing them around the room. I was aiming for my friends and the crew. I'm ashamed to admit that I wanted to hurt them as much as they'd hurt me, as much as they'd hurt Jack.
"We had time!" I shouted. "We had every opportunity to go back for him! He could have survived, but you just let him die! You just sat there in that bloody stupid boat and watched it happen! You watched him die and didn't do anything about it. Not one person in this whole bloody room lifted a bloody finger to help him! How could you just sit there and watch? You selfish bunch of fucking PIRATES!!!!"
I slammed the door with such a force that I hear something fall off the wall. I couldn't stand being in the same room as any of was oddly silent outside compared to the noise I had just made. Inside Tia's was silent now I'd left. I couldn't hear anyone talking. I must have shocked them all or made them feel guilty.
Good.
The forest and swamp around Tia's was quite. The silence was broken only by my quiet sobs as my anger dissolved to sorrow again. I sat down on the small wooden ledge that jutted out over the swamp from Tia's. I hugged my legs into my chest and rested my chin on my knees. It was do dark I could see nothing of the surrounding forest and the only light came from Tia's windows. It reflected on the water below and illuminated the ledge I was sitting on.
The silence gave me peace to reflect on everything that had happened. Had I meant everything I'd said?
Yes.
But perhaps some of it would have been best left unsaid. I had probably taken out most of my guilt on them; after all, I was also to blame for Jack's death. I could have fought harder. I could have…
I could have told him I love him.
All this time I had been suppressing the horrible thought that if Jack knew then he might… he might have come with us. 'Come back Jack,' I thought desperately. "All is forgiven." I even waited wondering if I wished hard enough that he would come back, but of course he didn't.
I couldn't even muster up a tiny bit of guilt over what I'd said to the others because the truth of the matter was that I didn't care what happened to me now. If they were horribly offended and sailed off without me it didn't matter. If I died right there outside Tia's it wouldn't matter. I'd rather be dead. If I was dead then I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't feel the pain I was going through at that moment. I couldn't take much more of this living hell. It would be much better, much kinder to kill me.
That's when the water caught my attention.
I couldn't tell how deep it was, but I was sure it would be deep enough for someone to drown in. What was to stop me joining my beloved in his watery grave?
I slowly uncurled my legs and sat on the very edge of the wooden platform. I looked down. It was quite high above the water, but that didn't matter. I could see the longboat bobbing around underneath me, tied to the ladder that led up to Tia's. I climbed to my feet. I stood on the edge. I didn't deserve to live while he had died. Not when it had been my fault. If I went now nobody would notice. It would be quick and painless for everyone. There was a click as the door behind me opened. I stepped off the platform. Air rushed past me.
There was a scream from someone who wasn't me.
A splash as hit the water.
Darkness.
Nothing.