Warning: A little swearing. References to Dr Who episode "Gridlock" series 3. There is one more chapter after this one, if I can get everything into it. This is a long one so I apologise. Angelwood.
Letters And Grief.
Ianto stood at the workstations, filling in the forms for the swords and the armour, ready to file the paperwork away and put the armour and weapons in the vault, remembering that Phoenix had asked for them to deadlock them which only Jack could but Ianto wasn't going to ask him. Jack was in no fit state to do anything let alone see things that Phoenix had brought them for the battle, things to protect them, using her abilities but then leaving herself totally open. Ianto did as much of the paperwork he could do without Jack and put it down on the coffee table.
He picked up each sword and carefully wrapping each one as he lay them in the large vault box that he had brought to put them in. As he lifted the swords, his arms ached from the battle the day before but he didn't care. Using both hands, he carefully laid each sword in the box until all four were inside and he closed the box. Carefully, Ianto picked up the box and took it into the office and laid it on the floor near the Vault. Ianto went back out into the main hub area and started on the next loud of forms, the next box which would be loaded with Phoenix's long, black leather coat, her weapons belt and the weapons within the belt, all the things that Captain Matthews had been instructed to give them.
As Ianto started the paperwork, the cog door began to roll back and the cage began to open, lights flashing and sirens calling. Owen and Toshiko walked through the door and made their ways to their desks. Hanging their coats over the chairs, they turned and smiled at Ianto, seeing what he was doing.
"Do you want a hand with that?" Owen asks him and Ianto smiled.
"It's ok. I have to do all the paperwork on them so I will do it but thanks Owen," he replies, his smile fading as he turned back to his task.
"Do you want us to do our reports about yesterday?" Toshiko asks him knowing that he probably would.
"If you don't mind Tosh. If you finish them today, just put them on Jack's desk and I will deal with them later on," Ianto replies still filling in the forms as he looked over the weapons in the weapons belt, listing everything there and putting a small description of each.
"Did the Army manage to drop off the minion this morning because if not, I will chase them up?" Owen asks ready to make the phone call.
"It was dropped off this morning. It's in the morgue at the moment but I will go and get it once I have done this paperwork," Ianto tells him still writing in his usual neat handwriting.
"It's ok Ianto, I'll go and get it myself," Owen tells him getting up from his desk and smiling at Ianto, knowing that Ianto would pick up the slack for Jack and that there was a lot to do.
Owen disappeared and no sooner had he disappeared, the cog door opened again and Gwen came in. She was holding a cardboard tray with cups in it from the well known coffee house. She walked to the workstations, handing one cup to Toshiko as she passed her, putting one cup on Owens desk and then placing the rest on her desk as she took her handbag off, putting it under her desk and then taking her coat off and hanging it on the back of her chair. She picks up one of the cups and took it to Ianto and handed it him.
"Tea, just how you like it. I thought that you would be busy and the last thing you wanted to do was make everyone coffee so I got some on the way here and that's why I'm late. How are you doing?" Gwen asks Ianto taking him by surprise as she didn't ask about Jack.
"I'm fine. I thought that I had better put all this in the vault before Jack sees it. I doubt that he could handle seeing her things right now though I don't think that he will be leaving his room today either," Ianto tells her as she smiles at him, putting her hand on his arm in a show of support.
"If there is anything that I can help you with, just say and I will be only too happy to help," Gwen tells him knowing that he probably won't ask.
"Thanks Gwen," Ianto tells her taking a sip of his tea. Perfect.
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Jack lay awake on his bed, cover half over him as he lay curled up in the middle of the bed. His mind was racing though it didn't show in his eyes or on his face as he lay there absolutely still, not making a noise, his head starting to ache, his eyes sore, his eyelids heavy, his throat dry and sore, his mouth tasting like he had been eating two week old garbage but he didn't care, why should he. She was gone and there was nothing he could do to bring her back.
"Why did she do this? Why did she come here of all places to die? Why did I have to see it? She knew this would happen and that I would try and stop her. She knew that she loved me but she still came back, still came back to die for the planet, to die for the human race, to die for Torchwood and to die for me. She walked right into the arms of death and it carried her straight to hell. How could she do this? How could she do this to herself and to me? I loved her. I loved her so much and she left me forever," Jack says to himself in his own head.
He needed answers but all he had were questions, questions that wouldn't be answered as Phoenix had gone. As he thought this, something was niggling away at the back of his mind. Something was trying to force it's way from the back of his mind to the front, something important. Jack closed his eyes and tried to make his other thoughts, his other questions fade away into the back of his mind to allow this urgent thought to surface and a few seconds later, it did.
"The letter," Jack remembered, sitting up very quickly and then stopping.
His head was pounding, he hadn't had a headache like this in a while, his stomach cramped from lack of food having not eaten in 36 hours or more. He sat up slower and then moved off of the bed. As he walked, he could feel every footstep he made in his head. He didn't care. He had to get that letter out of his coat pocket. He looked around his bedroom but couldn't see his coat anywhere and then he realised that Ianto had probably taken his coat into the office and hung it up, Ianto was always having to do that as he left his coat everywhere.
Jack slowly made his way up the ladder and out of the hatch, feeling every step he made, starting to feel a little dizzy, light headed and nauseous. He eventually made it out of the hatch, his office dark, light streaming in from the main hub area, everyday life was going on without him but he didn't care. He had to find his coat and find Phoenix's letter. Jack reached were Ianto usually hung his coat up and it wasn't there. Panic set in as he looked around his office, not finding the coat as his head pounded more and more, his sight going blurry but he didn't care, he couldn't find his long coat. He went to the door of the office and opened it.
"Ianto! Where is my coat? I can't find it and I need it. It has the letter in from Phoenix. I can't find it anywhere. Where is it Ianto?" Jack panics, wincing at the pain from his headache.
"I sent it to be dry cleaned…," Ianto starts but Jack jumps in.
"You have to get it back Ianto. The letter is in the pocket. I need that letter," Jack tells Ianto and then puts his hand on the side of his head as though to try and hold his head together as it split.
Ianto rushes over to Jack not knowing what he was more concerned about. The fact that he was acting strange and that he seemed to be in real physical pain or the fact that Jack was stood at the door of his office in nothing but his boxers.
"It's ok Jack. I took the letter out of the pocket first and put it on your desk," Ianto tells him, putting his shoulder under Jack's arm to support him as he was now almost bent over double, taking him back into the office.
"I'll get some pain killers for him," Owen tells Ianto as he rushes into the autopsy room to retrieve them.
"I'll get some water," Gwen says as she gets up and hurries to the kitchenette.
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Ianto sat with Jack on the bed, cradling him as Jack's headache started to lift, Jack holding onto Phoenix's letter for dear life, he hadn't opened it yet. With the headache he had had, he wouldn't have been able to read it and he didn't want Ianto to read it out.
"You feeling better now?" Ianto whispers into his ear as he held onto Jack.
"Yes," Jack simply replied, looking at his name on the front of the letter in Phoenix's beautiful hand writing.
"Do you want me to give you some time to read the letter in peace?" Ianto asks him stroking Jack's shoulder and Jack turned to him and smiled.
Ianto got up off of the bed, kissing Jack on the cheek and walked to the ladder. As he reached it, he turned to Jack who was still looking at the letter.
"If you need anything, just call me," Ianto told him with a smile and Jack nodded.
Ianto climbed the ladder into the office, leaving the hatch open. Jack opened the envelope, careful not to damage the letter inside and he put the envelope on the bed. He unfolded the letter, a tear rolling down his face as he saw Phoenix's handwriting appearing as he unfolded it and he began to read.
"Dear Jack,
If you are reading this, it means I didn't make it but Earth survived. Captain Matthews should have given you my coat and my weapons. Please store them in the vault and dead lock them. If I am not around to use my weapons, no-one is to either and I know you won't, you favour your Webley. They will come in handy one day and one day I will be back for them. No Jack before you think it, remember that I have crossed my own time line so I am still out there unaware of who I am. As Adina, I am still dead.
Please know this Jack. I walked into this mission with my eyes open, knowing that my beloved Earth was under threat but when I found out I had to save Torchwood too the leader of which was you, Captain Jack Harkness, it made the mission all the more worth while. I took this mission knowing that it could well be my last mission, not just because of what I was up against but because I was tired Jack. Everyone else found their place in time. I was the only one still left drifting from planet to planet, from time to time, never finding what I want, what I needed.
I don't blame you for what happened to our son, well, at first I did but I was the one who knew. I had to live everyday with the thought that our child died because I went into battle and risked our son. It was all on me. You didn't know and I have to apologise for that. I really did mean to tell you but in the end, it wasn't meant to be. Please forgive me. You had every right to know you were a father and I think that you would have made a great father. As I lay here writing this letter on this dead planet, I can just see you as a father. I can imagine your delight when he is born, you holding him in your arms as I recover. I can imagine all the things that you would teach him and all thing trouble you would both get into.
As he grew, you would become inseparable. You teaching him every step of the way and him growing into a strong man, both of us so proud of him, supporting him in whatever he chose to do. One day Jack, one day you will be a father again and you will make a great father so don't doubt yourself. You never know, maybe it will be yours and Ianto's child. We have both seen the future, been there, we know what can happen in the future. That is the only thing I ever regretted when it came to us, the only thing.
Time is becoming short and I know that it will soon be time for me to say goodbye. I wonder if you actually managed to say goodbye to me this time, I doubt it. I write this with a smile on my face. You forget I know you Jack, I know everything about you, your darkest fears, your dreams, what you see and feel when you are in the darkness clawing your way back to life, I have been there too.
There is something that I have to apologise for. General Stanley, Captain Terry and Captain Matthews. There was a good reason that I went behind your back with them, relieving you of command over the mission and not telling you. Like I said, I know you and you would have fought to keep me here and I couldn't let that happen. I could have taken you and run, run away from Earth and left it and I know that even for a split second, you thought about it and that is why I went behind your back. I knew what needed doing and with the least chance of casualties. Hopefully, no-one was seriously injured or killed and if anyone was, please extend my apologies but call me cocky, I know that no-one got more than bruising and scrapes.
Night is closing in here and it is time for me to enter my nightmares again, at least everyone is safe from me here, there is no-one here who cares that when I dream, I shake the ground, I glow as bright as a star and that I scream, they are all dead here. Look after yourself Jack and look after Ianto. You mean the world to him and if you look deep enough into your heart, he means the same to you. Don't be a prat and mess this up Jack. You don't know how good something is until it is gone and if you lose him again, no power in the universe will bring him back again.
I can only just see the paper so please excuse the handwriting, not that you can ever say anything to me about handwriting, have you seen yours lately, pissed and spider comes to mind. This is the end of my letter Jack. You have work to do so I won't keep you any longer. Knowing you, you aren't talking, aren't eating, aren't doing anything except pulling the mother of all sulks. DON'T! and that is an order. You and your team, beautiful, amazing Torchwood Cardiff are too important for you to pulling this bull. Get up off of the bed, get showered, get shaved, put some clean clothes on that no doubt Ianto has put out for you and lead your team. I've gone Jack, face it, now get on with it.
I love you but stop grieving for me. You've done it once already. Back to the beginning of the sentence. I love you Jack, always have and always will. You were my soul mate and I was yours, for that time in your life anyway. I wasn't the first and Ianto won't be the last, that's the curse of being immortal but it is going to happen again and again Jack. We will all die eventually and one day, centuries in the future, you will die with an old friend at your side. It happens to us all, you just have to pick yourself up and carry on. Know that I am in a better place now. No nightmares, no abilities, no pressure, no pain, no memories, just peace. Be good Jack and don't be afraid to love.
Yours forever in time, Phoenix.
PS. You never once asked me who sent me. I always told you that I was sent to you, to help you but you never asked me who it was so I think it is better I tell you now. I was sent by Gray, your little brother. Before you think it Jack, I know the history of a couple of months ago, I saw it for myself after Gray told me but I couldn't interfere, you know that. This time he had no agenda other than to protect Torchwood. We travel for a time together, no Jack, we never went there. That was strictly a no go area, he was your little brother. We found out that the Devourer was coming and decided that it was better I came. One day Jack, forgive him, he is your brother. I leave you with that last thought my love. Goodbye."
After reading the letter, Jack lay on the bed and cried harder than he had cried before, curling up just looking at the letter, her last letter. It was over, they were over and she had gone.