Chapter 8: A hole in the world

"The only obsession everyone wants: 'love.' People think that when falling in love they make themselves whole? The Platonic union of souls? I think otherwise. I think you're whole before you begin. And the love fractures you. You're whole, and then you're cracked open. " -Philip Roth

"Tell me again why we had to leave," the colonel demanded. He seemed frustrated and angry, truth be told, and Darcy had never seen him like that, not once. Not even when they were arguing. The colonel, you see, was one of those people, who remained calm and steady no matter the consequences.

Darcy took a deep breath before he responded "I told you already that I have some business to take care of"

"Why do you need me Darcy, if you are not willing to tell me what is this all about?"

He breathed heavily. Because he was so selfish and afraid that if he left alone, leaving the colonel behind, something might happen. Something between him and Elizabeth. He, of course could not allow such a thing. They seemed to fancy each other and he was not yet sure if their acquaintance was friendly. It was possible for her to fall in love with his cousin; something he could not tolerate. Instead of confessing those things to him, he only said, "Swear me that you will not tell a soul." The colonel nodded. "I intend to buy Longbourn"

Colonel Fitzwilliam opened his mouth. He did not know what to think of him anymore. He did not even know what to say. What did he care about that estate in Hertfordshire? Surely it must be a reason, wishing that it would be something that he would like. "Why?"

"Because she has nothing that could tempt anyone to marry her. She has no future, can you not see?" It was not true, of course. The truth was that he wanted to give it to her, to have something of her own. All he desired was to protect and cherish her; since he could not do that for now, all he could do was to make her feel secure. But that was half the reason of doing this. He knew how alone she was feeling; he still remembered her tears on the library. Having Longbourn in her possession, it would ease her pain; for he did not want to see her hurt anymore.

"You want her gone Darce, don't you?" the colonel asked and shook his head in disapproval. "What on earth has she done to make you dislike her so?" 'If only he knew,' Darcy thought. "You really do not need to secure her financially. The man who is going to marry her will love her because of what she is. This is the way its supposed to be and that is how it shall happen."

"Has your admiration for her lessened?" he suddenly asked. He looked to his cousin on the eyes, waiting for his answer. His life depended upon his hands now.

"Not yet" he paused "I confess that I do feel something for her, more strong than I ever thought I was able to feel for a woman, but..." Darcy's eyes widened. Did he just confess his love for her? Was it even possible to love the same woman? Could it be possible to feel the same? No, it was not - at least for the latter. Darcy knew himself and he knew very well that his love could never be equal in depth to his cousin, because when he loved, he loved with his whole being. If he loved with all the powers of his puny being, he could not love as much in eighty years as I could in a day, Darcy thought. He could hardly breathe anymore, it was too much for him to handle, but before he could stop his cousin, Richard continued, "I thought of our conversation, yesterday. The problem is me, you see. I have already fallen in love with her, aware of her condition, but I and I alone have nothing. I could not be able to give her what she deserves" he paused "She is not going to be happy with me, Fitzwilliam, and she is the kind of woman who deserves to be cherished and loved deeply."

As his cousin was speaking, Darcy confessed to himself once again that he was indeed in love with her. He had no doubt about it anymore. He was not able to deny himself the simple pleasure of saying true things. He knew well that love was just a shout into a void and that oblivion is inevitable, that he was doomed and that there was going to come a day when his body would turn into dust, but God was his judge, he would still be in love with her, until the sun would shallow the only earth he had ever seen, until the last day of his existence. He loved her more than he believed, because their combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together. He had not intended to love her, but the games of love spontaneously revived, great and strong. She made him love her without even looking at him!

"You must decide," he paused "soon."

"Good God Darcy, don't you have a heart?" Richard asked and Darcy smiled ironically. He had a heart, he was just waiting to know if it was going to hop again or be crashed.

"I do sympathize with you. But until then, do not give her false hopes. Women have the tendency to exaggerate. Be certain that she will not do the same."

"She is not the kind of woman, who is slighted by any man"

"I want to help you Richard," he lied. No, he did not want to. He was selfish and he wanted Elizabeth for himself and himself alone.

"Will you tell her that you bought it?"

"No!" Darcy almost yelled. He was going to give it to her as a wedding present, whenever they would marry, If they would...

"How long do we intend to be away?"

"After Hertfordshire, we will go to London; I have promised Charles that I would visit him soon."

Richard laughed. "Caroline must be thrilled."

Darcy laughed with him. "Oh stop it. It is rather ungentlemanly to mock a woman thus."

"You are right, but you must know how I love to laugh at her every attempt of becoming the mistress of Pemberley. I wonder, though, why she has not succeeded yet. She seems the kind of woman, who would happily follow you in everything you shall do."

No, he wanted someone, who could match him in his own game. Someone like Elizabeth. "For heaven's sake, no. Caroline Bingley as my wife" he laughed ironically "Tell me Richard, do you hate me so?"

They both laughed.

The purpose of this trip was beyond from what his cousin could imagine. Yes, the plans were indeed his purpose of buying the estate, but the main reason was to leave Pemberley; for a while at least. He wanted to testify if he could stop thinking about her and if he had any chance of being saved. But he really doubted that he could; of course he could not. What a fool man he was, for once you fall in love is impossible to untie the strings that bound you to the other person. They were seated silently on the carriage, looking outside the window, but neither of them needed to talk; they had their thoughts for company. The odd thing was that they had the same thoughts-well, not exactly the same, but very similar, they were thinking of Elizabeth and how much they think they loved her. It is tragic, is it not? Two men thinking of the same woman, when that woman has been kept in oblivion. Darcy looked at his cousin's expression for the last time and he seemed miserable and sad. He had lost every sparkle he had before; he looked like a half man. He was, in reality, they both were. How could handle the situation? He surely did not want to hurt his cousin, he loved him like a brother, but on the other hand, he loved her more. How could he make her love him; more importantly how could he make her love him instead of his cousin?

That was the exact moment his heart threaded with hers. It was as if someone reached down with a sewing needle and stitched his soul to hers. How could one man be so sharp and so vulnerable at the same time? Whatever would happen to her would happen to him. Whatever pain she would feel, he would feel it too. He wanted it — that was the surprising part. Selfish Fitzwilliam Darcy loved a woman so much, he could already feel himself changing to accommodate her needs. He fell. Hard. For the rest of his life and probably the next. He wanted her -every last inch of his stubborn and combative heart demanded her.

Three weeks later...

Darcy was seated in the drawing room with the rest of the gentlemen, Mr. Bingley, his close friend, Richard and Mr. Hurst, husband of the older Bingley daughter. They were drinking branch and playing cards, as they waited for the ladies to change for dinner. The Bingley family was a very respectable one with many connections. It was common for them to be invited for dinner and balls almost every day. Darcy had attended one ball and ten dinners in all this period he stayed with them. He absolutely hated the large gatherings, but this time he had promised himself that he would attend each one of them. You see, he intended to stop thinking of her and such gatherings offered the most convenient opportunity. He hoped to see a lady, who would attract him, but in vain. In every single lady he met, he instantly and unconsciously compared her to Elizabeth. He could see their similarities and differences, but most of the cases ended up with Elizabeth being far more superior than them. He even caught himself looking for her everywhere he went, like he knew she would attend, but as soon as he realized his ridicule, he tried to pay attention to anything that would distract him. But, truth to be told, he did not think of her as much as he did before. Although he had the most improper dreams, he kept seeing her in her nightgown, the same nightgown she wore on the library, when she looked divine. But, hopefully Bingley's talkativeness and the silliness of Miss Bingley kept him well occupied. He knew very well, that when he returned home and saw her again, he would fall for her again all at once. So too much effort, for nothing really. 'It is a hopeless case, is it not?' he remembered her saying with her lovely voice. It was indeed!

But, as the ladies came in, a footman entered as well, giving Darcy a letter. It was from his aunt, Lady Catherine de Bourgh. Darcy took a deep breath and opened the letter.

Dear nephew,

I hope to find you well suited in Bingley's estate. I visited Pemberley hoping to find you there, but in my great disappointment I did not. Georgiana informed me of your trip and since there is an urgent matter, which I want to discuss with you, I took the liberty of sending the letter there. I deliberately ignore mentioning Miss Bennet, which I met during my stay at your home. You know how opposite I am to that decision of yours, taking her under your protection.

You are well aware of what I want to discuss with you. If you have not taken care of our agreement yet, then there is a need for me to remind you of your obligation. If you have not settled it until the Christmas ball, I am afraid to tell you that I am not willing to give you another chance. You have three months.

That is all,

L. Catherine de Bourgh

Lady Catherine de Bourgh was the only living woman in the family because Darcy's and Colonel's mother had passed away. She was noble, like her sister Lady Anne -Darcy's mother- and a widow. She was married to an earl but unfortunately they were childless. Most of the summers, Georgiana used to spend her time in her estate, Rosings Park, keeping her company; that is why she treated her like she was her own child. But, since Georgiana had grown enough and could not tolerate her aunt's weirdness, she rarely paid her a visit. She had her brother and cousin to amuse her, what else did she need?

"Who is it from, Darcy?" Richard asked him as he saw his distress. For one second, he thought of Georgiana and Elizabeth, worrying if it was from them.

"My aunt." he simply replied. "She writes to remind me of our agreement."

"Hasn't she quit the idea yet?" Bingley interrupted.

"No, apparently she has not." he paused to take a deep breath "Until Christmas."

"Poor Darcy" Bingley spoke again and touched him on his back, showing his sympathy. The colonel did the same. "I do not even understand why you agreed in the first place."

Darcy took a deep breath "We spoke in moments of my weakness, I was persuaded that I did not had another choice. It was either that or complete destruction."

"Unlikely that would be. You must be a fool, believing that everything would be ruined!" cried Bingley. "What have wealth or grandeur to do with happiness?"

"Grandeur has but little," said he, "but wealth has much to do with it."

"For shame!" said Bingley, "money can only give happiness where there is nothing else to give it. Beyond a competence, it can afford no real satisfaction, as far as mere self is concerned."

"Perhaps," replied Darcy, smiling, "Your competence and my wealth are very much alike, I dare say; and without them, as the world goes now, we shall both agree that every kind of external comfort must be wanting. Your ideas are only nobler than mine. But how can you take in your hands the life of another?"

"I understand your worries and I do sympathize with you, but Darcy are you really certain about this?"

"I do not think that I have another option, I have given my word and I shall not break it. It is not something that a gentleman would do."

"I hope you find whatever you are looking for soon," Bingley smiled, trying to lighten the situation.

"He will," Richard laughed and looked at Caroline Bingley, smiling ironically.

The next afternoon...

Darcy was standing in the corner of the room, in Wenstictor Manor. Mr. and Mrs. Kenstinton, who were close acquainted with the Bingleys had invited them and their guests to the annual ball, which was hosted by them. Darcy had not danced yet, for he did not care at all. He was so frustrated and it was impossible for him to stop worrying about his dealings with his aunt. He cursed himself that moment, for allowing her to have an advantage on him. He could see the colonel and Bingley occupying two young ladies and after couple of minutes, he saw their party coming towards him. The gentlemen introduced the young ladies, who were on their arms. They were Miss Gardiner and the other was the colonel's cousin, who was already known to Darcy. They looked very agreeable and handsome; but nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe perhaps Miss Gardiner, who had golden hair and nice features, could be called a beauty. He noticed Miss Brown; how well she had grown. But, Darcy could not still find a young lady, who could tempt him, and they all had common ideas and interests. He wanted someone, who could excite him, like Elizabeth had done even from their first encounter.

"Don't you agree Darcy?" Richard asked interrupting him. But, Darcy who had not paid the least attention to their conversation, he simply nodded.

"Will you stay long, Miss Gardiner?" asked Bingley and all their eyes where upon the young lady, waiting for her answer.

"I do not believe so, we are here with my family for the ball. Mr. and Mrs. Kensinton are my aunt and uncle, you see."

"Pray tell me, where are you from?" Darcy asked as though he was interested, but he was not really. He simply wanted to stop overthinking.

"Hertfordshire." Jane Gardiner simply replied.

Darcy's eyes widened, for he realized that he was not going to be saved; for he thought immediately of Elizabeth. But, when he was about to ask if she was acquainted with her, Miss Bingley appeared, taking Miss Gardiner away. Bingley followed them as well; for he was already enchanted by her -it was obvious. Darcy looked at Richard and his cousin, Penelope, but to be more exact on the young lady herself. He knew her from his very young age, when they were playing hide and seek in Pemberley and afterwards when they were too old for that, he remembered pleasant evenings with her, Georgiana and Richard on the drawing room laughing. This was the first time he had seen her after a very long time, since he left for Cambridge to study. She had grown to a very agreeable young lady, who conversed with ease and seemed very well educated.

"Did you had a good time in Pemberley?" she asked the colonel and touched his hands.

"Yes, indeed I had." Richard paused "Georgiana sends her regards"

"I long to see her. I've not seen her for months and I dare say I have missed her pleasant company. Is she well, Mr. Darcy?" the young lady asked. Mr. Darcy's eyes were fixed now on her and smiled.

"She is very well indeed. Perhaps, you can delight us with your company in Pemberley. You are very welcome to join us for the trip back home." he paused "She will be very excited to see you again."

"If my parents have no objection, then it would my pleasure." She smiled at him "It seems odd that she decided to stay in Derbyshire, is it not?"

"Ohh it is not," Richard immediately replied. "She has the best company," The colonel replied as he smiled upon the thought of her.

"I am very glad, but pray tell me, who?" the young lady asked curiously.

"Miss Elizabeth Bennet. She is a distant cousin of Darcy's, who is under his protection." Darcy laughed ironically. She certainly did not need protection for she was a very strong woman and if she did, she chose the wrong man to protect her, because Darcy wanted to make things with her that could blush any sin.

"I see." Penelope Brown replied, she really did not need to ask anything further for she already knew the story. It had become very known among the ton. "I would be pleased to make her acquaintance."

"I am sure you will. She is the most delightful creature." Richard replied and Darcy smiled with civility.

"Is she indeed?" Richard simply nodded.

Miss Brown looked at Darcy one more time, just to see him staring at her. As their eyes met, she simply smiled and spoke to her cousin again "I am mortified, Richard. You have not asked my hand for a dance, yet. Should I be worried? Am I not your favourite cousin?"

At first, Darcy was surprised by the way they spoke to each other; they seemed to have such passed the formality. She was a fine lady, indeed. She had loveliness in her air and she spoke fluently without hesitation -as other ladies, who wanted to attract the attention of a man. Miss Brown did not fit in that description at all, she was elegant with tolerable features and the teasing way he spoke to the colonel, meant that she had a lively spirit, something very admired by him.

"You are indeed." Richard replied. "Unfortunately, I have promised this set to Miss Esher. But it would be my honour to secure your hand in the next one." She smiled and accepted gladly.

"May I have the pleasure of dancing with you this set?" It was Darcy's voice.

"Yes, it would an honour."

That night, Darcy could barely close his eyes. Dare he say he missed her? He did. He missed her. He could still see her in his dreams. They were nightmares mostly, but nightmares tinged with love. Such was the strangeness of the human heart. Complicated, but passionate. He missed her every hour. The worst part was that it caught him completely by surprise. He used to catch himself just walking around to find her, not for any reason, just out of habit, because he had seen something that he wanted to tell her about or because he wanted to hear her voice. And then, he usually realized that she was not there anymore, and every time, every single time, it was like having the wind knocked out of him. He was getting colder and colder every passing hour, more dead with every breath. He did not know if what he was feeling was normal, but simply he really did not care. There were moments of pure honesty, when he could understand himself, but in this case he could not. He did not know why he loved her, but he did. He loved her more than he could express, more than he thought he did. He loved her without knowing how or when or from where. He loved her as certain pure things should be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

Wow! I just saw your reviews and follows and I almost screamed. Literally. You have given me so much support and love that I simply do not know how to thank you. Thank you so much with all my heart. It is so amazing to know that I am doing something right and you do approve it. Thank you all Again!

I am sorry if you like Anne, but I do not, so I thought that she did not need to exist - at least in my world. Btw, I am so sorry for not updating sooner, but I had a writing block. I hope that you can forgive me, so I made this chapter so large, the largest chapter I have ever written. (four thousand words). Anyway, I also hope that you enjoyed it and I wish that it did not bore or tire you. I am waiting for your opinions. Review! Did you like it at all?