Chapter 45: Regimen ex preteritus
Even though I had no real idea on what to use contact with an Ascended Ancient for I couldn't get the Hologram Room out of my head. The idea of it - wondering if what I'd read in the Ancient library was even true - was eating at me to the point of obvious distraction.
"Just go try it out for God's sake," John exclaimed after another breakfast conversation where I'd been saying something and just trailed off without finishing, my mind engaged in 'what if?'.
"Try what?" I asked distractedly ... if an actual ascended ancient did appear, would it be someone familiar like perhaps Morgan Le Fay herself?
"The Hologram Room," John said firmly, his tone sharpening my focus back on him. "I know you don't think it'll work but the wondering about it is driving you ... and me crazy. Just go try out what it said in that book – answer the question so we can move on to something else!"
"Fine," I muttered, getting up right there and then. "There's no need to get grumpy you know. I'll go do it right now!"
"Good luck," John offered in amusement.
"I'll let you know how it goes," I put my arms around his chest from behind, pressed a kiss to his cheek and then headed off.
Once in the Hologram Room I looked around a bit nervously. If this was a place to communicate with Ascended Ancients did that mean they were watching it somehow?
Stepping up to the dais I put my hands on the control console and waited for the hologram to appear.
"Please state the nature of your enquiry," the image of Morgan LeFay intoned.
"I seek guidance from the ancestors," I replied. "Could you maybe send one down here for a chat?"
"Your query is not recognised," the hologram replied blandly.
Okay, so a straight request wasn't the way ... either that or it wouldn't work no matter how I asked the question. What else could I try ... I thought for a moment and then had another idea.
"Ah ... ego quaeso regimen ex preteritus," I spoke the words as I'd read them in the text. Literally they translated as 'I ask for guidance from the past'. The hologram didn't respond this time, at least not verbally. Instead I felt a tingling in my hands where I had them resting on the console.
Looking down I frowned at the blue light glowing brightly enough to illuminate the bones in my hands ... when the tingly, clinging feeling followed quickly after, flashbacks to the fountain on Aprost had panic clawing at my insides. I quickly pulled my hands from the console but it didn't shut off the new light display.
"You know what?" I announced loudly to the silent hologram. "I think I've changed my mind ... I don't need guidance after all so if you could just cancel that request I'd really appreciate it."
Nothing happened, the hologram standing frozen and unyielding in front of me.
"Please," I called out insistently. "I don't want to do this!"
"And yet guidance is sorely needed if you are to fulfil your purpose," the voice came from inside my head as well as from all around me, my ears reverberating at the deep ringing tones.
"My purpose?" I asked aloud incredulously.
"The purpose for which you were created, that brought you to the city from so far away," came the reply. "Do you not wish to know more about your origins?"
"If I want to know more this isn't the method I'd choose," I replied angrily. "Who am I speaking to anyway? Is this a part of the hologram program because I think a little reprogramming might be in order."
"The hologram program merely acts as a conduit," my unknown conversant replied. "I am nativitas, commissio, originis ... the reason you are here."
"What the hell does that mean?" I asked grimly, that nervous butterfly feeling fluttering up from my stomach pinning me in place without me even attempting to just leave.
"You will have to work that out for yourself," came the reply. "I will respect your wishes ... for now."
The presence inside my head disappeared along with the lights and the original hologram, leaving me standing alone in the darkened room.
"Okay, that didn't go how I expected," I muttered, rubbing hands across my forehead as I tried to think. "John?" I tapped my radio, hoping he'd be available.
"Sabina?" John replied instantly. "You okay?"
"Have you got a minute?" I asked hopefully. "I could really use you up here in the Hologram Room."
"I'm on my way," John promised.
I spent the few minutes wait pacing around, getting myself more worked up and more confused.
"Finally," I jumped on John the instant he arrived, dragging him over to the dais so I could show him what I'd seen. Calling up the hologram program I gave my request before she could even speak. "Please replay everything that happened since I first stepped into the room this morning."
We both watched as the Hologram disappeared and then reappeared again, asking for the nature of my enquiry. She then stood there for a few minutes completely silent and still before winking out of existence again.
"No," I said insistently. "Replay what the other part of the hologram said to me."
"There is no record of any other interaction during the time frame you specified," the hologram replied.
"What? That's impossible," I protested. "There must be something there."
"This program experienced a processing glitch and was frozen for approximately 3 minutes," the hologram reported. "The glitch was rectified and the program returned to active status."
"I heard something," I gave up on the easy replay option, my expression pleading for John to believe me. "It wasn't a physical representation and I don't know if it had anything to do with Ascended Ancients or if it was just a part of the hologram program."
"What did it say?" John asked calmly.
"That I needed to know more about my 'purpose'," I admitted with a puzzled frown. "John – she made it sound like there was a reason - something I'm supposed to do - that explains why I ended up here on Atlantis. When I tried to find out who she was she spouted off a few Ancient words and then said she was the reason I was here. What do you think that means?"
"I don't know but let's not panic just yet," John replied. "What were the Ancient words?"
"Ah – nativitas, commissio and originis," I recited. "The first word means birth. The second one could mean perpetration or execution but it also means action. The last one, originis is like the source or the beginning but it can also mean ancestor."
"Does make for some interesting interpretations doesn't it?" John commented without any obvious worry in his tone. "Did you try to get the hologram to reappear?"
"I thought I'd wait for you to get here," I admitted.
"Okay, well give it a try now," John instructed, stepping back to give me space at the dais.
Hesitantly I put my hands on the console again and said the words "ego quaeso regimen ex preteritus."
Nothing happened.
"Try it again in English," John suggested.
"I seek guidance from the past," I said firmly, looking down at my hands in anticipation. Again nothing. "It's not gonna work," I announced grimly. "Great – now I'll look like a complete nut job when the others find out about this."
"I don't think we should tell them," John countered. "It's not clear where the message came from but it wouldn't be a bad guess to assume it was meant specifically for you. Maybe it's because I'm here now that it's not reconnecting you or maybe you only get the one shot at it ... in either case I can't see the point in having Rodney down here poking around in the systems when we both know he won't find anything."
"I guess not," I agreed hesitantly. "Are we allowed to keep stuff like that to ourselves?"
"This from the girl who kept a Wraith killing machine and her own nanite production line a secret from everyone," John pointed out teasingly. "Don't worry about it – I think Carter will understand why you didn't offer this one up should it prove relevant in the future. Come on, I'll walk you back to your lab."
"I don't mind telling you this is all freaking me out a bit," I admitted once we were in my lab with the door closed. "First that thing with Jennifer and the Pegasus virus antibodies and now the hologram program suggesting I'm here for a reason? Doesn't that worry you a little?"
"Maybe," John admitted in return. "I don't know what we can do about it though ... apart from you going back to the hologram room in a few days and trying to get back that connection so you can ask more questions. Let's wait for that before we decide on a course of action here."
"You're right," I agreed. "I need more answers before I can figure this out. Thanks John."
"All part of the service," John quipped with a pleased smile.
"Well come over here and get your reward kiss," I ordered with a smile of my own. "That's part of my service."
"Yes ma'am," John gave me a mock salute that had us both laughing.
oOo
John and I were on our way to breakfast a few mornings later when Colonel Carter caught up with us just before we entered the transporter.
"Colonel," she called out. John stopped, pulling me around with him so we'd be facing Sam. "I was just coming to see you. Do you have a minute?"
"Yeah, sure," John shared a puzzled look with me, Sam's concerned demeanour sending out the red flags.
"I received a message from Stargate Command," she said, looking at John intently. "I'm afraid I have some bad news."
"Okay," John tensed but otherwise gave no reaction.
"Your father suffered a heart attack last night," Sam announced compassionately.
My eyes shot to John immediately, and I could feel my insides plummet as he looked at Sam with a dazed expression, poised for the rest.
"I'm sorry, John, but he passed away," Sam finished sadly.
John said nothing, his face wiped of all expression and his eyes stony. Not sure what to do myself I stepped closer and put my hand gently into his. He squeezed tightly for a moment and then held on, waiting to hear what Sam would say next.
"Your brother got the message through to the SGC via your old unit commander at Peterson," Sam explained. "You have plenty of time to get to the wake, even with the 24 hour quarantine on Midway, so I've cleared you and Sabina to take as much time back on Earth as you need."
"Thanks Sam," I spoke for both of us when the silence extended beyond what was comfortable for any of us.
"Ah, yeah," John cleared his throat and swallowed hard before speaking. "Thanks Colonel."
"Let me know it there's anything else I can do," Sam replied, giving us both a sympathetic look before turning and leaving us standing in the corridor.
"Let's go," I pulled on John's hand, dragging him around and back towards our quarters. John didn't protest, letting me guide him, obviously distracted by his thoughts.
Once we were inside John dropped down to the bed, lying fully stretched with a hand over his eyes.
"It sucks to lose a parent," I sat next to him, drawing my legs up to so I could face him. "I'm guessing that applies even if you weren't close and haven't spoken to them for a long time. Maybe even more so."
"You're not gonna do the 'so sorry for your loss' speech?" John asked in surprise, taking the hand away so he could make eye contact.
"I never understood why people say that," I replied, happy to let John distract himself with more general conversation. "That's one of the things I remember from when my adoptive parents were killed. Everyone was telling me how sorry they were and all I could think was that it was hardly their fault unless they thought they could have done something to make it different. In the end I decided that what they were really saying was that they felt sorry for me – and I didn't want their pity."
"I never thought about it like that," John nodded in understanding.
"I do feel for you though," I said softly. "I can take a stab at some of what you're thinking right now. You might not have recent memories to dwell on but I bet a few from before things got so screwed up are doing the rounds in your head, along with the 'should I regret anything?' conversation you'd be having with yourself. Maybe you're even kicking yourself you didn't try to fix things but you thought you had all the time in the world."
John looked at me in mute disbelief so at least some of what I'd said must have been accurate.
"Oh, and I'm forgetting the parts that make you feel really selfish," I added. "Wishing that you didn't have to put yourself through a funeral you could easily do without plus in your case dread because you'll have to confront a whole bunch of people you didn't like under the best of circumstances and pretend you're happy to see them. I'm guessing you're almost hoping right now for an urgent mission that means you can legitimately get out of it."
"I never realised I was quite so transparent," John muttered, putting his arm back over his eyes so I couldn't see his expression.
"You're not," I said bluntly. Shifting to lie down beside him I insinuated myself into his space and reached up to draw his arm down around me. "Everything I said could just as easily describe my own feelings," I offered softly, laying my head on his chest with a sigh. "I wish I'd pushed you to tell me about your family, told you that I really wanted to meet your Dad even though I understood you had issues. Then I'd have some memories of my own rather than a big load of regret that I never got to meet him, even if it was only to confirm that you were right to cut him out of your life."
"I'm sorry," John said in a low tone tightening his arm around me.
"I don't want you to be sorry about that," I countered. "I could have asked you to tell me what happened with your Dad ages ago but I didn't because I didn't think it was my place. Only now am I thinking that it actually was ... if I'd had the nerve to take it. That's where the selfish thoughts come in because if I'm honest part of the reason for not pushing it was because I let nerves get the better of me."
"Nerves?" John shifted to look down at me in surprise. "You?"
"Of course me," I said somewhat irritably. "I think it's only natural that I worried your family wouldn't like me or that they'd secretly be thinking that Nancy was a much better match for you."
"Sabina," John protested with a half laugh. "That's just ridiculous. No one would think like that!"
"You'd be surprised," I muttered before continuing with what I'd wanted to get across. "I can't deny that I felt nervous, or that I still do thinking about going back to Earth with you for this."
"You don't have to come with me," John offered.
"I know," I agreed, "but I want to just the same. I'd never let you do something like this alone anyway so don't bother saying anything else."
"It will be difficult," John admitted, "and I am thinking an urgent mission would be a convenient out but ... I still have family and ... I guess I do need the whole 'closure' thing with my Dad."
"It'll help," I agreed simply. Turning so it was me leaning over him I leant down and kissed him gently, hoping he'd get the compassion and understanding and support I was offering without putting it into words. Breaking away I sat up again and slapped his leg in a 'get moving' gesture. "We should pack," I said, getting up to pull out a bag for us.
We'd packed most of what we needed before the door chime interrupted us. John went to answer it while I continued with the last few items.
"Hey," Rodney greeted John awkwardly. "I, uh, heard what happened. I'm very sorry."
"Thanks," John motioned for Rodney to come in, moving back to the bed and handing me more things to pack.
"You okay?" Rodney asked in concern.
"Yeah, I'm fine," John insisted.
"You know, I requested to go back with you, but the Ancient device at M7G-677 is still malfunctioning," Rodney offered.
"I thought you went back and fixed it," I commented with a frown.
"It was only a temporary patch," Rodney admitted. "I thought it'd hold for longer than this but it didn't."
"So you're off to spend more time with the kids," John commented.
"Yeah," Rodney grimaced at the thought.
"Well, that should be fun for you," John quipped.
"Yeah, well, believe me, I'd get out of it if I could, but without the E.M. field they're an easy target for the Wraith," Rodney pointed out. "I guess it's just bad timing."
"Hey, don't worry about it," John insisted. "Sabina and I will be fine doing this together."
"I'll look after him," I told Rodney with a smile.
Rodney stood awkwardly looking from John to me and back again before he spoke again. "If you wanna ... you know ... talk or ...," he offered uncertainly.
"Rodney. I'm fine," John insisted again. I almost scoffed aloud at that because everyone in that room knew John wasn't fine – he didn't want to talk about it with Rodney and I could understand that – he was still working out how to feel about it himself and it was too soon to attempt to describe that to anyone else.
"Right," Rodney nodded, hesitated again as though about to say something else. In the end he gave up with an uncomfortable cough, turning and leaving the room without another word.
"I'm gonna have to put up with a lot of that, aren't I?" John commented grimly.
"More than you could ever want," I confirmed. "They all mean well ... they just want you to know they care about you."
"I guess," John looked around the room once before picking up our bag in one hand and holding out his other hand to me. "Time to go."
We walked all the way to the Gateroom like that, standing silent as the dialling sequence began. A moment before the wormhole was established Ronon walked over to stand beside us, bag in hand.
"Where are you goin'?" John looked at him in surprise.
"With you," Ronon's tone shouted 'don't even think about arguing.'
The kawhoosh shot out from the Stargate before settling into its usual shimmery puddle. Ronon didn't even wait for a response, walking resolutely through the event horizon.
John looked at me with a raised brow.
"I guess he doesn't think I'm enough protection for you," I shrugged philosophically. "I won't take that personally."
"Or maybe he thinks you need support too," John suggested.
"Maybe," I agreed tugging on John's hand to get us moving. We walked through the Stargate together.
Author's Note:
Next Up? Fortunate Journey Season 4 Chapter 46