Chapter 21: Crystal Clear

When Elizabeth, the next morning, opened her eyes, her gaze was focused on an envelope placed on her pillow next to her. Her name was written on it, in his hand.

Dearest,

I have spent many hours thinking about us -about you. I am bond to you, heart and soul and I cannot stand this distance any longer, neither can I stand the fact that you believed that my love for you was not real. But it is, as real as you and I are. That is why I think it is my obligation to address the matter which lies between us, a matter so painful that I can scarcely bear it. I will confess everything I have done or said with the hope that you will understand and forgive me.

But, first of all, let me tell you this, let me promise to you that I will never hurt you again. My love, you have my word not as a mere gentleman but as the man, who is irrevocably bound to you byloving and wanting to cherish you. To simply ask for forgiveness is too bold, but yet I beg it. I promise that I will never hurt you again, not even attempt to keep any secret from you. Because you have all my follies and pride, all my love, hopes and dreams. They only belonged to you, to begin with. Furthermore, I want to apologize for destroying your dream. You do not know how sorry I am for us not spending our wedding day as you wished; I am sorry even for making you doubt my love, or regret our match. Believe me, when I say that all I have done was because my heart sincerely aches for you; I am a selfish man and I only want you for my own.

I do not know what Richard told you but I am sure that he did not lie; he is not the kind of man not to be trusted. He is hurt and he had every right to be, but I believe that he meant well when he confessed his thoughts and worries to you. He loved you -maybe he still does, that is why he told you the truth. He wanted your happiness, he wanted you to marry a man that you deserved and I am sad to admit that I feel that I am not. Nevertheless, I feel blessed to be married to you, to love and to be loved by you. You are a rare gem that I am happy to possess.

Let me start by telling you about my agreement with Lady Catherine. Indeed, she forced me to get married because of Georgiana's sake. You see, she loves her excessively and she believed that it would be best for her to have a feminine influence. I do not blame her for believing what she thought it was right, but I do blame her for intruding in my life. But, the fact is that in a way she did not. You see, I was going to propose to you anyway, so she practically saved me much time of not spending my life without you. I did not use you, or manipulate you as you accused me of, I loved you, I still do and that is why I chose to spend the rest of my life with you, as your husband.

I do now realize that I have not told you the time when I truly knew that I loved you. It all started when you asked Richard to teach you the waltz. I can still recall all those dreadful thoughts that troubled my mind, or the feelings that burned my heart, when I heard that he would be able to touch you. I admit that I felt jealous, if those feelings could be caused of jealousy, but I think I did. I could not stand nor can I still bear the thought of someone else being able to touch you, or simply being do close to you. When I left for London, I was certain of my feelings and I had almost madeup my mind to marry you. That's why I decided to buy Longbourn. Yes, indeed I bought it only for you. My intentions were completely pure, I knew how much you loved it and since I had the opportunity to make you happy, I decided to act upon it. Longbourn was your home and I intendedfor it to stay thus.

I love you, loveliest Elizabeth and I will always do. I can't think of any greater happiness than to be with you all the time, without interruption, endlessly, even though I feel that here in this world there's no undisturbed place for our love, neither in the village nor anywhere else. I have acted that way and hide things from you thinking of your happiness, alone. It was a great folly not to reveal the real truth to you, when you had told me once that you did not want to be hurt by lies and misunderstandings. I can comprehend your anger and mistrust in me, for I acted foolishly, but I cannot understand the fact that you doubt for one second my love for you. It is the most absurd thing: not wanting you. For you know well that I cannot live without needing you. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems, prejudice or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no you or I – only us, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.

It has made me better loving you, I have to admit. It has made me wiser, and easier, and brighter. I used to want a great many things before, and to be angry that I did not have them. Theoretically, I was satisfied. I flattered myself that I had limited my wants. But I was subject to irritation; I used to have morbid sterile hateful fits of hunger, of desire. Now I really am satisfied, because I can't think of anything better. It's just as when one has been trying to spell out a book in the twilight, and suddenly the lamp comes in. I had been putting out my eyes over the book of life, and finding nothing to reward me for my pains; but now that I can read it properly I see that it's a delightful story and always will be. I was born when you kissed me. I died when you seemed to hate me. I lived a few weeks while you loved me. I need you back; please forgive me.

Forever yours,

Your devoted husband.

When she was now seated in the library and Darcy came in, it was the sixth time that she read the letter. As he entered, he stopped for a moment and looked at her, but she seemed so concentrated on it, that she did not realize him coming in. He slowly approached her and sat next to her; she immediately turned to look at him. Their eyes met and it was like they had fallen in love with each other all over again. He touched her hand and brought it to his lips, she moaned a little. How she had missed his touch and that look on his eyes, which declared silently his passionate love for her!She then touched his cheeks with her palms and brought his face closer to her and kissed him on the lips. It was not a passionate kiss, but as they kept doing so, all the bitterness they had was now transformed into passion. And when her lips met his, he knew that he could live to be a hundred and visit every country in the world, but nothing would ever compare to that single moment when he kissed that woman; he knew that his love would last forever.

As they parted, Elizabeth kept staring at him "You must think me horrible, Fitzwilliam." she paused "How could I ever doubt you when I love you so much?"

Darcy pushed her closer to him and kissed her forehead "No, I do not, on the contrary I think you are the most fascinating woman." he paused as he heard her giggle "We both been fools, especially me, but everything will be fine now."

"But..."

He raised her chin and said "No, Elizabeth you musy not blame yourself."

"You are so forgiving; far more forgiving than I"

"That is not true, at all" he laughed.

"We are all fools in love! I do not wish anything to get between us anymore, or ever again." She paused "Do you know how lost I felt without you?"

"Yes, I know, I felt the same sorrow as well. I cannot live without you, Elizabeth" he said and she smiled. "Have you realized that we did not send time together as we should have as a married couple?"

"Yes" she replied and looked down. "If I could, I would revise everything"

"It is not too late" he took her hand in his. "Would you think me a presumptuous rake if I were to ask you to join me upstairs in our chambers, Mrs Darcy?"

Special thanks to my lovely beta! She is truly one of the best people I've known. And thank you so much for your reviews and especially to those who made them long.

Tell me if you liked the chapter, you know how much I love to hear from you. Did their makeup catch your expectations? Did you like the letter?