The Other Side of the Story: John's Point of View

Interlude 14: What the hell are you doing?!

What followed was possibly the most frustrating two weeks of my life. We had every off world team out there listening for any hint of Michael, or any rumours about prisoners from Atlantis. I personally visited every one of our established allies and trading partners within the first week, asking them to keep their ears open and let us know if they heard anything, no matter how minor it sounded.

When I wasn't off world following up on leads I was back on Atlantis projecting vibes that said 'approach at your own risk'. Only Colonel Carter, Lorne and my team ignored them. I was poor company on a mammoth scale ... I had nothing to say unless it was about the search for Sabina and Teyla – what we'd already done, what we were going to do next.

No one tried to placate me, to tell me not to worry and that everything would be all right ... for which I was beyond grateful. I didn't want pity or positive attitudes in my face ... all I wanted was Sabina and since that didn't look like happening any time soon I just didn't want to talk about that stuff.

I was wound so tight it wasn't a surprise I'd overreact when someone said the wrong thing. It was one of the Gateroom techs and his throw away comment about something completely trivial that set me off.

"I wonder who'll give the Lieutenant a run for his money now that Sabina's gone," I overheard the comment on the last couple of steps up to the Control Room. "She was the best street hockey player we had on our team."

I had the guy backed up against the wall before he could blink, one forearm pressing into his throat while I held him up by his shirt.

"She's not gone," I growled angrily, "and she's still the best player on your team."

"Yes ... Sir," he choked out.

"John!" Rodney rushed up behind me, putting a hand on my shoulder and pulling back sharply. "What the hell are you doing?!"

"This guy was talking like Sabina's not coming back," I glanced at Rodney irritably before glaring back at my captive.

"Let him go," Rodney urged.

"I hear you talked about Sabina like that again, I'll come back and make you regret it," I threatened, pushing forward with my arm to get the message across before releasing him.

I was out the door and heading back down the stairs while that guy was still crumpling down to the floor ... and I didn't feel guilty. I was pissed off with all the delays, with the lack of real leads, with the fact that everything was going too slowly because no one had as much of a stake in this as I did. And I didn't much care who knew about it.

"John, wait up!" Rodney ran to catch up with me, already panting at the exertion.

"Not now McKay," I ordered without missing a stride.

"Yes now!" Rodney insisted. "John!"

"What?!" I stopped suddenly, turning to see him skidding to a halt in front of me.

"What was that back there?" Rodney gestured behind him towards the Control Room.

"What do you think it was?" I threw up my hands, turned away and then back again. "What the hell do any of you expect? Do you think this is easy ... waiting days ... hell weeks to find out if my wife is even still alive? I'm this close," I held up two fingers with no space between them, "this close Rodney to punching my fist through something – every minute of every goddamn day!"

"I know it's not easy," Rodney grimaced. "And okay, maybe I don't really understand what you're going through but you can't just go around assaulting the staff for one admittedly stupid comment!"

"I can't do this Rodney," I said quietly, my anger disappearing abruptly. "I can't keep going out there, keeping up the facade that I'm handling this if everyone is back here already treating Sabina like she's not coming back."

"No one thinks that!" Rodney protested. I looked at him pointedly, silently reminding him of the comment I'd walked in on. "Okay," he allowed, "maybe one or two people are thinking in that direction but not the ones who count. Not me."

"I appreciate that Rodney," I relented somewhat. "I do but ... something better break soon ... or I will."

"John," Rodney looked at me worriedly but I just shook my head.

"It's okay," I tried for the classic John Sheppard easy going smile. "Listen, I gotta go admit to Carter that I roughed up one of the Techs. If I still have a job I'll talk to you later."

Leaving him standing in the corridor I reversed direction yet again and strode up the steps to Carter's office.

"Colonel," I waited in the door for her to respond.

"I was just about to call you up here," Sam looked at me pointedly, her expression grim.

"You already heard what happened," I had the grace to look ashamed.

"Yes," Sam shook her head. "What were you thinking John?"

"I wasn't," I admitted. "I just ... he said something ... about Sabina. I reacted before I thought about it. I'm sorry."

"Well, you're lucky he doesn't want to press charges," Sam said sternly. "Said he deserved it."

"No he didn't," I couldn't put the blame on anyone but myself.

"No," Sam agreed simply.

"I'll talk to him," I promised. "Apologise, try to come up with something to make amends."

"Yes you will," Sam got up from her side of the desk and lent against it. It was a shift that said she wasn't Colonel Carter, my commanding officer for the moment, but Sam, a concerned friend. "John, do I need to do something here? I can put you on leave, assign you somewhere else ... just tell me what you need."

"I need my wife back," I forced the words out around the sudden thickness residing in my throat, "but in the absence of that I need to be working towards finding something that will lead us to her. Please Sam - just let me do my job. I'll make sure nothing like this happens again."

"Okay," Sam nodded, putting a hand on my arm before returning to her seat. "What progress did you make today?"

"Not much," I admitted. "Got a message from one of our Genii contacts. I'm meeting him on M4S-587 tomorrow morning."

"Let me know how it goes," Sam's tone made it clear that was the end of the conversation. Nodding gratefully I high tailed it out of there.

oOo

"Colonel?" I turned from my inspection of the ocean to see Major Lorne standing in the doorway, a hesitant expression on his face. It was well after midnight and I'd believed I was the only one awake in the city, apart from those on duty in the Gateroom.

I'd been thinking about what I'd done ... how close I'd come to losing it completely. Rodney had tried to talk to me again once I'd returned from Sam's office ... and then sent Ronon to have a go as well when I stubbornly refused to cooperate. Ronon understood though, said he would have done the same in my place. It was a short conversation.

"Major," I replied, looking back to the sea. "What're you doing up this late?"

"Couldn't sleep Sir," Lorne admitted, walking onto the balcony and taking up a position next to me. Silence reigned for a few minutes before he spoke again. "I heard what happened in the Control Room."

"You and everyone else in the city," I said casually.

"I just wanted to tell you Sir that I ... the guys and I haven't given up on Sabina," Lorne spoke firmly, his gaze direct. "We won't give up Sir, no matter how long it takes to bring her and Teyla back."

"I know. Don't worry about me Major," I added.

"Sabina will have my head if I let you do something stupid ... Sir," Lorne pointed out, the faint hint of a smile on his face.

"Too late for that," I admitted. "I don't suppose I can convince you to keep my little lapse to yourself?"

"Wouldn't do any good Sir," Lorne chuckled. "Unless you intend to swear the whole city to secrecy."

"That's always an option," I shrugged, leaning my forearms against the railing and peering down to the levels below.

"We are going to find her Sir," Lorne tried to reassure me, and maybe himself too. I hadn't missed the fact that he'd been striding around the city in almost as bad a mood as my own since the day Teyla and Sabina had been taken but for the first time I actively considered why.

"You're not blaming yourself still?" I shot him a glance, frowning when he looked away. "You are! Evan," my rare use of his first name had his eyes shooting to mine. "Michael set a very careful trap ... he used what he knows of Teyla and there's no way anyone was going to change what happened. Not you ... and not me."

"Easy to believe that in my head Sir," Lorne replied in a low tone. "A little harder to believe it in my heart.

"You know," I said lightly, "you can call me John off duty ... it's a little ridiculous to be Siring me when, aside from me, you're my wife's best friend and more than a little in love with her."

Lorne swallowed abruptly, coughing more than once before he got his surprise back under control. "I'm not 'in love' with Sabina Sir ... ah John," he corrected when I raised an eyebrow at him. "I mean, I ah ... of course I love her – but like you love a friend who knows you too well to ...," stopping, he took a deep breath and then looked at me directly. "I admire Sabina a great deal and you know, if I were lucky enough to meet someone like her I wouldn't hesitate."

"I'm surprised she hasn't tried to match you up with someone already," I said, amused.

Should I have worried about the closeness that existed between Sabina and Evan? Would Sabina worry about that same closeness existing between Teyla and I? I didn't think so ... both of us treated all the members of our team as family ... and by extension I knew that Sabina considered Teyla, Ronon and Rodney to be her family too. I'd do that a grave disservice if I didn't look at her team mates in the same light.

Besides, Evan Lorne had been my 2IC for almost three years. He was a good man ... a good friend ... I wouldn't have chosen him to look after Sabina out in the field if I hadn't believed I could trust him with her. That had put him in a difficult position at times ... I knew it wasn't easy to balance treating Sabina like she was just another team mate with feeling that he'd answer to me on a personal level whenever anything went wrong. I probably should have told him I understood that a long time ago.

"She's made some noises," Evan admitted, smiling fondly. "So far I've managed to head her off."

"Or maybe she hasn't found someone she considers good enough for you," I returned. "Don't be thinking you're safe there Evan ... she's sneaky." Slapping his shoulder fondly I turned back to the ocean again. "You should get some sleep – we're heading out early in the morning.

"Yes Sir," he replied, leaving the railing and heading for the doors. "John?" I turned again, seeing him standing in the doorway with a concerned expression. "You gonna be alright?"

"For now," I agreed, not saying the words we both knew would come next ... that if we didn't find Sabina I wouldn't be.

Nodding, Evan turned and left me to my solitude. It was strange but after that conversation I did feel a little better.

oOo

Our Genii contact had insisted on meeting with me alone at the local tavern ... leaving Major Lorne and his team waiting at the Gate on M4S-587 I headed through the trees towards the village, lost in my thoughts.

A few minutes later I walked through the doors of the village local. The tavern was deserted that early in the day ... finding a seat with a good vantage point on both the exits and the windows I sat down to wait, stretching my legs out in front of me.

oOo

An hour past the scheduled time and the guy hadn't still shown up. Calling it a bust I got up and walked back to the Gate ... not really that surprising given the lead had been Genii and relations always bordered on the weird and unreliable.

"So, how'd it go, sir?" Lorne asked hopefully when I appeared through the trees.

"The Genii contact didn't show up," I reported.

"Can't say I'm surprised," Lorne admitted.

"What are you saying, Major?" I said sarcastically. "The Genii can't be trusted?!"

"They did try and kill Doctor McKay and I ... not to mention Harmony," Lorne reminded me.

"True, true – and normally that's the kind of thing I'd take personally, but Ladon claims he didn't order the hit," I offered ruefully. "He's trying to get on our good side."

"You really think they know anything about where Michael took Teyla and Sabina?" Lorne took it all back to the serious.

"Well, they get solid intel," I returned with a grimace. "Every lead, no matter how thin – remember?"

"Yeah," Lorne nodded, looking at me for orders. "So what do you wanna do?"

Walking over to the DHD I dialled Atlantis. "Well, I'm gonna go ahead. You stay behind for a few hours; tell me if he shows up."

"Will do," Lorne stepped back with a nod.

The kawhoosh shot out, settling into a stable wormhole. I walked through as usual ... and out into Atlantis. And that's when things took a sharp turn into the bizarre.

Authors Note:

Next Up? The Other Side of the Story Chapter 15