Chapter 4: Of Tears and Tenderness
Dawn found Ennis lying on his side in the sleeping bag. Jack lay next to him curled up on his right side facing Ennis, his sleeping face relaxed with a slight smile on his lips.
A curl of black hair had fallen forward, and was hanging down across Jack's forehead. With a little smile, Ennis reached up and gently brushed it back with his fingers. Once his fingers made contact with Jack's skin, Ennis found it impossible, almost painful, to pull them away.
Gently, trying not to wake him, Ennis began tracing the lines of Jack's face with his fingertips. He brushed his knuckles across one whiskered cheek, and ran his fingers along his strong jaw. One fingertip traced his full lips, and then moved to stroke across his eyebrows.
"Why is it there're times that I feel like I ain't nev'r really seen you?" Ennis thought as he gazed at Jack's face.
The night before, as he had lain propped up on his elbows watching Jack undress, Ennis had… maybe for the first time since that summer on Brokeback… allowed his eyes to fully take Jack in. He was forced to admit, as a knot of desire began to curl deep in his belly that he greatly liked what he saw.
When he had been engaged to Alma, before that summer, Ennis had looked at her several times, trying to decide what it was he was supposed to feel when he looked at her. He felt a certain fondness for her, and thought that they would get along well together, but he couldn't say that he felt any particular stirring when he looked at her. After they had been married, sex for him was a purely physical activity. She touched and his body responded, but his heart had not been in it, andhe had struggled to feel something about her body.
That was most certainly not the case when it came to Jack Twist. Looking at Jack, even while doing the most mundane of things, made little birds of excitement twitter and flit around in his stomach, and if he looked long enough those birds found their way lower, causing him to ache with a need that scared Ennis with its intensity. When he and Jack were together, touching each other, Ennis felt such desire for him that at times he felt a frantic need to be pressed as close to him as possible, as though he could make himself a part of Jack. He had never felt that way with either of the women he had been with.
Looking at him the way he was now, one arm flung up onto the pillow, the other resting across Ennis' hip, his legs slightly bent and his face almost angelic in sleep, Ennis felt something swell up in him that he usually fought to keep down when Jack was awake. But, Jack was not awake, so it was safe to let his feelings and emotions play through him.
He knew that he had hurt Jack repeatedly over the years but Ennis had spent the last 16 years, ever since they had reunited and stayed at that shitty little motel on the outskirts of Riverton, trying to convince himself that it was Jack's own fault that he was always torn up inside.
It was Jack that kept thinking on the idea of them ranching up together somewhere. Ennis always thought that if he would just let that thought go, and accept what they had instead of always wanting what they couldn't have, then maybe he could be happy with at least being able to see each other once in awhile, and then Ennis himself could be happy with it as well.
After hearing Jack's thoughts during their fight the previous evening, and listening to him while Ennis made love to him, not just his thoughts, but the things his eyes and his body were saying, Ennis finally had to admit to himself that it was not entirely Jack's fault that his heart was torn up. A great deal of the fault was Ennis'.
As he watched Jack lying there next to him, the memory of their lovemaking, and how amazing every little touch felt, still so fresh in his mind, Ennis had to admit that his refusal to be with Jack had not been about Alma, or the girls, or child support or any of the other numerous reasons he had given over the years. His refusal had been purely selfish. If he only saw Jack two or three times a year, out here where no one could see them, he could convince himself that he wasn't queer. He could continue to delude himself into believing that what he felt for Jack was lust, that Jack had been his 'first time' and that's why he couldn't let it go. This thing with Jack… it was nothing more then a chance occurrence in an otherwise normal life. All those years when Jack was asking and begging him to consider that 'sweet life' every time they were together, Ennis had felt justified in his refusal to even think about them being together. He had never realized or wanted to acknowledge just how tormented Jack was by their separation. To acknowledge it would have meant admitting there were feelings there that Ennis did not want to face, not from Jack and certainly not within himself.
He couldn't say that when Jack was right there in front of him. He could no longer dismiss the fluttering in his stomach at the sight of him, or the fact that when Jack smiled at him he felt happier then he ever had any other time in his life. Nor could he ignore the way his blood burned and his skin sang when Jack touched him or the way his fingers tingled and his pulse quickened when he touched Jack. The plain and simple truth of the matter was that Ennis Del Mar was well and truly hooked by this man and he realized, to his mild surprise, that he liked that idea just fine.
When he realized all of these things, he felt profoundly ashamed. He had done the same thing to Jack that he had done to Alma… he had used them both for his own selfish reasons and thought very little about their feelings about it all. Only what he had done to Jack was worse because Jack loved him more then anything… was willing to give up everything for him, and Ennis finally had to admit that, unlike Alma whom he had wanted to and tried to love but could never quite manage it, Ennis loved Jack just as much.
This admission, though only to himself, hit Ennis like a ton of bricks. His eyes filled with tears, and his chest felt so tight that he had to gasp to draw a breath. Without thinking about it, Ennis reached out and drew Jack tight against him. He buried his fingers in Jack's thick hair, and clutched Jack to him. Burying his face in Jack's neck, he began to sob against his smooth warm skin. He wanted to crawl inside of Jack and stay there, he wanted to hold Jack tight and never let go.
"What… what's happenin'" Jack thought, he opened his eyes and looked down at the back of Ennis' head. "Oh shit… what's wrong… what's happen'd?"
"Ennis…?" He said his voice low and soothing but edged with fear. "What's wrong, cowboy?"
Gasping, Ennis broke out into fresh tears at the sound of his name and then "cowboy", the closest thing Jack had ever used for an endearment, on Jack's lips. The wave of pleasure he felt at hearing those words making him feel even worse.
"Shhh… it's alright, Ennis… it's alright." Jack soothed. He brought his own hands to the back of Ennis' neck and stroked the curls there at the base of his skull. He felt profoundly scared at that moment. Ennis was not the crying type. It took something big to cause him to break down. That he was almost inconsolable shook Jack to his toes.
Deciding that Ennis was not likely to tell him what was wrong as long as he was in this state, Jack simply laid there and held him. Ennis had him in a vise grip that was almost painful in its strength and intensity, but he could not bring himself to do anything to loosen it.
"Holy hell… he's gonna leave bruises…" He thought, as he felt Ennis fingers clutching at his shoulders. "Musta' been another nightmare…" Jack knew, though he also knew he would never admit it, that Ennis frequently had nightmares brought on by his father forcing him to see that murdered man when he was a boy.
Ennis suddenly drew back and eased his grip on Jack, though he did not move away nor did he remove his arms from around him.
Jack reached up and flicked a straggling tear from Ennis' cheek, and leaned forward to kiss the spot where it had been. He had decided rather quickly that Ennis' tears were not due to any kind of injury, but he was still concerned. However, sensehe didn't seem forthcoming with an explanation,Jack decided that he was going to have to ask if he wanted answers.
"Well, now, cowboy… think you wanna tell me what this's all about."
"Jack…" Ennis began, his voice hoarse and strained sounding, "I got somethin' I need to tell ya…"
Jack stiffened and steeled himself for bad news, "Whatsa matt'r, Ennis?" Jack asked, his voice falsely casual, and Ennis felt and heard his hesitation.
"Jack, I need to tell ya how damn sorry I am fer all the hurt I been causin' you all this time. I was't bein' fair to ya, and ya deserve better'en that."
Jack began to speak, and Ennis stopped him with a hand on his arm.
"Le'me finish ok." At Jack's nod, Ennis continued. "I always made the rules didn' I? Made it so damn hard fer botha us… never thought about ya, only what w's best and easiest fer me… dammit Jack, I am more damn sorry then I can tell ya… I… I …" he swallowed hard, and brought his hand up to impatiently swipe a stray tear from his cheek, "you know that I… I'm pretty fond of ya, Jack… hope ya know that."
"That has got to be the nic'st thin' Ennis Del Mar has ever said to me…"Jack thought, his mind reeling a bit.
"I sorta' thought ya might be…" Jack said, trying hard to keep the emotion from his voice and failing miserably, "mighty nice ta hearit though."
Ennis raised his head and looked into Jack's eyes. What he saw there both scared the hell out of him and made him feel like he could cross a raging river, climb the highest mountain and wrestle a bear, all without getting a scratch.
"Say it Jack… now's the time… if ya don' say it now the chance may not come again!"
"Ennis…" Jack began, and then hesitated.
"For Christ sake… what the fuck're you waitin' for… tell him now b'fore it's too late!"
"Ennis…" he began again, his voice a bit more steady", I…"
Ennis stopped Jack with a finger against his lips.
"Shhh… s'ok Jack… already know." Ennis said.
Jack pulled back from Ennis' finger, and said, "No Ennis… I gotta say this! It's been eatin' me up fer damn near 20 years…"
"Jack… I don' think…"
"Dammit, Ennis Del Mar, jus shut up will ya… can't a man tell ya he loves ya without having to argue bout it first?" Jack yelled and pulled back from Ennis.
Ennis closed his eyes. He had heard the thoughts in Jack's mind, but somehow, hearing them spoken aloud brought back all the same feelings he had the first time he heard it.
"Jack…" he said again, his voice tight and quiet with an almost desperate quality to it.
Opening his eyes, Ennis turned and grabbed Jack again quickly bringing their lips together. From the strength of the embrace, Jack braced himself for an equal kiss. Ennis however had other plans. Rather then crushing his lips to Jack's, he began a long slow gentle kiss that went on and on.
Somehow, when they made love, at the start they always ended up with Ennis lying on his back and Jack lying on top of him. Ennis was not a selfish lover, and he always gave as good as he got, but Jack was generally the one that couldn't restrain himself. Usually Jack, in his eagerness to touch Ennis, ended up holding him down and doing the things that he knew gave Ennis the most pleasure before he would allow Ennis to touch him. So Jack was taken completely by surprise when Ennis pressed him back on the sleeping bag, and stretched out on top of him.
In a manner that was so unlike him that Jack was not entirely sure he had heard him correctly, Ennis pulled his lips away from Jack's and bringing his mouth to his ear, said in a low voice, "Jack Twist… tonight its my turn to do ta you what you do ta me just by lookin' at me…gonna make you crazy… gonna make you feel real good…"
Before Jack had a chance to think about protesting, Ennis grabbed both of his hands and pulled them up over his head.
"Ennis…?" Jack said, surprise evident in his voice.
"Shhh… quiet, darlin'", Ennis whispered. "I'm busy here… can't talk jus now."
Beginning at Jack's forehead, Ennis proceeded to kiss, lick, and caress his way down Jack's body. He made a through exploration of every inch of exposed skin, pausing to go repeatedly over, and return more then once to the areas that brought the loudest moans of pleasure from Jack's lips.
He used his ability to hear Jack's thoughts to his advantage, and used each little, "Oh God", "fuck yeah", "damn that's good", and "holy hell" as his guide to just what would drive Jack the most crazy. He held nothing back, did things that he had always hesitated to try before… some of them things that Jack had asked him to do that he wasn't sure about. He relished each little moan, sigh and twitch of Jack's body, encouraged and driven by them to elicit even more.
Finally, when Jack was squirming under him, harder then Ennis ever remembered him being, leaking clear liquid in a steady stream and so excited and desperate to touch Ennis that he was actually whimpering, Ennis pushed himself up to his knees and just looked at his handy work. Jack's eyes were positively glowing, with a fire that Ennis had not seen in16 years. Those eyes burned into his and spoke to him of things that Ennis would never have conceived of, and until now would never have accepted.
Swiftly, taking Ennis completely of guard, Jack vaulted forward and pushed Ennis back down with him, turning them both as he did until he was the one lying on top with Ennis' hands held together.
"My turn…" Jack said, a grin that left Ennis breathless just looking at it, spread across his face.
"Jack…" Ennis said, his voice husky and raw with need.
"Yes, cowboy… whatcha want?" Jack asked, leaning forward and nipping Ennis' lip quickly while at the same time pressing his hips down and grinding himself against Ennis' straining hardness, which he could feel pressed against his own. Ennis moaned and rubbed himself against Jack, bodies made sweaty with arousal sliding against each other in a way that always excited them both.
Jack knew damn well what Ennis wanted… but he wasn't gonna let him get away with not saying it… not this time. In all those years, each time they got together, the one thing that Jack wanted from Ennis, other then a commitment that Ennis was unable to give, was for Ennis to actually admit that he wanted him. Although Ennis was never hesitant to express that with his body, Jack wanted the words.
Ennis mumbled something that Jack could not hear. Jack kissed his lips quickly, and used his knees and elbows to push himself up so he was hovering over Ennis, barely an inch between them, but not quite touching, before asking, "What was that, Ennis… couldn't hear ya."
"Want…" Ennis mumbled, and tried to pull Jack back down to him, but Jack was not having it.
"Want what, Ennis…? He whispered, and lowered his head to Ennis' ear.
"You…" Ennis managed to force out along with a moan as Jack nibbled on his earlobe, "want ya, Jack…want ya bad…"
Jack paused and closed his eyes, "Damn… took him 20 years to say… but it was worth all the waitin' to hear it!"
Lowering himself so that their bodies were touching, Jack pressed himself against the full length of Ennis' body and pushed his hips forward. Shivering at Ennis' moan of pleasure and biting back his own moan, Jack whispered hoarsely, "Feel that, cowboy… I'm right here… you got me."
"Christ… Jack… will you shut the hell up and come here!" Impatiently, Ennis pulled his hands free from Jack's grasp. Wrapping his arms around Jack he put his hand on the back of Jack's head and pulled his lips to his, devouring Jack's mouth with a fierce intensity that told Jack just how badly Ennis wanted him. Finally, Ennis released his hold.
Hugging him tightly against him, Ennis looked up at Jack's face for a minute, taking in his flushed and sweaty appearance. Jack's eyes were such a bright blue that it almost hurt to look at them.
Leaning forward, Jack buried his face in Ennis' neck and licked a trail up to his ear. Flicking his tongue against his earlobe, he waited for the answering moan that he knew was coming before whispering, "Love you, Ennis…" A shudder that ran the length of Ennis body and a tightening of the arms around him was the only response.
They kissed and held each other for a long time, hands, and lips exploring and caressing, pausing to look into each other's eyes, and whisper words of encouragement and little endearments. Somehow, Ennis finally admitting that he wanted Jack seemed to have opened a floodgate of emotions and feelings, and he whispered all of them into Jack's eagerly waiting ears.
At last, when both men were straining against each other and aching with need, they finally came together. There was no sense of urgency. Unlike the frantic coupling that was usual for them, this time was slow and sensual, the goal not so much to rush to the finish line, but to take their time and simply enjoy the ride.
When they finished, and lay panting in each other's arms, sweaty skin pressed against sweaty skin, Ennis pulled his head back enough so he could see Jack's face.
"Jack…"
"Hmm…" Jack replied, his voice sleepy.
Ennis put his finger under Jack's chin, and raised his face so he could see his eyes. Taking in his flushed face and looking deeply into those blue eyes, he brushed Jack's sweaty hair back off his forehead and in a whisper, his voice full of emotion, Ennis said, "Love you too, Jack".
Jack looked into Ennis' eyes and felt tears begin to run down his cheeks.
"I never thought the day would come… don't know if I coulda gone on with knowin' but never hearin' it."
Wiping his eyes, he saw that Ennis was crying again as well. Leaning toward him, Jack pulled Ennis to meet him and kissed him long and deep until neither of them knew where one mans tears ended and the others began.
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