Chapter 6: Is Parting Such Sweet Sorrow?
Jack woke up early with a feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach. "Sunday," he thought glumly, "I hate Sunday."
For most people Sunday was a day of rest, a day to go to church and get together with family and friends. For Jack, Sunday was the day that he lost Ennis. That was how he viewed it. Even though he knew that the parting was temporary, it still broke his heart a little every time he had to stand and watch Ennis' truck drive away from him.
Heaving a big sigh he sat up and glanced at Ennis' side of the tent. Empty. Ennis had been up for awhile from the looks of it, and all of his things… the bag with his clothes, the little bag he used to carry his soap and toothbrush… had been taken out of the tent.
Closing his eyes and rubbing his temples for a moment, Jack thought, "Ok Twist… so it's a 'nother Sunday… no big deal… jus' remember everythin' that's happen'd this week. Things are differ'nt now, at least you know that he loves you. That oughta make it easier…"
Except it didn't. On some level, Jack had known, from the second night that he and Ennis were together back in '63, that Ennis loved him. Knowing that in the back of his mind and never expecting to hear it had made it a bit easier to part from Ennis each time they were together. Now that he had heard the words… more then once as Ennis had moaned them in his ear again last night while they were making love… he found that the idea of not hearing Ennis say them… not hearing Ennis' voice at all… for several months was almost unbearable.
Struggling out of the sleeping bag, Jack pulled on his jeans and boots and tied his shirt to the handle of his duffel bag. Bare-chested, he gathered up his own things and stuffed them into the bag. Looking down at the sleeping bag, he thought about last night… how different it had been… how much more intimate.
There had always been a great deal of passion in the way they loved each other, and even after 20 years their desire for each other never seemed to wane, if anything it was stronger then ever. Jack sometimes wondered if that would be different if they were together all the time… but given how much Jack missed and longed for Ennis when they were apart, he doubted it.
"Wouldn' mind tha chance to find out…" Jack muttered, and kicked at the corner of the sleeping bag.
Heaving another sigh, he began rolling up the bag. Once it was safely tucked into the nylon carrying case, Jack opened the tent flap and stepped out into the brightening day.
He carried his duffel and the sleeping bag over and put them in the back of his truck. Shivering, he quickly pulled the shirt free and slipped into it.
Looking around he saw that Ennis had packed up a lot of their camping gear, and had placed some of Jack's things in his truck and loaded his own as well. Ennis however was nowhere to be seen, and one of the horses was gone.
"Damn," Jack said aloud, and scared a couple of birds out of a nearby bush, "woulda been nice to take one last ride together." Kicking at a rock, he walked over to the fire pit and peered into the coffeepot. It was half full, and sitting next to the pit on a flat rock was a plate, fork and a coffee cup. On the grate, pushed to the side so it wouldn't burn was a pan with two eggs, sausage and bread.
With a smile on his face at Ennis' thoughtful gesture, he poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down on a boulder with his plate.
He was just finishing his second cup of coffee when he heard the sound of horse's hooves. Turning, he watched as the horse rounded the corner along the shoreline and Ennis rode toward the camp.
He got to his feet and waved, but Ennis did not appear to see this because a few minutes later he rode into camp and seemed surprised to see him.
"Hey, Bud," Ennis said, his voice distracted, "didya eat?"
Jack pointed at his plate, and Ennis said, "Oh, good."
Jack watched as Ennis dismounted and led the horse over to a tree and tied it off
"What's happen'd… he's more distant an quiet then I've seen him ina while."
Ennis finished up with the horse, and then gathered up the dishes and pans and took them down to the creek to wash them. Seeing that Ennis was not in a talking mood, Jack decided to leave it for now, grabbed the coffeepot and his plate, and followed.
They finished packing in silence until finally there waslittle left to do except go. Jack stood leaning against his truck, hands jammed in his pocket, watching Ennis from under his hat. Ennis was standing against his own truck, staring at the ground and swallowing repeatedly, as though there were something stuck in his throat. Sighing, Jack walked over and grabbed a box that was sitting next to the cold firepit.
"Say something… say anything, asshole… what, are you jus' gonna wave good-bye and leave…"
Ennis wasn't sure at first if that thought was directed at him or if Jack was talking to himself. Finally he decided it didn't matter. He waited quietly until Jack walked over to place the last box in the back of his truck and then, while his arms were still raised, he walked up behind him, wrapped his arms around Jack's waist, and laid his chin on his shoulder.
A scene from 1963 flashed through his mind. Jack was standing in front of the fire half asleep and Ennis had come up behind him and wrapped his arms around him then as well. That time they were only saying good-bye for the night, but it had felt nearly the same way as it did now. Now, just like then, Ennis had seen Jack and something about the way he looked standing there filled him with a need to hold him. There was nothing sexual about the embrace, just a need to feel him in his arms… to reassure and confirm to both of them that they and how they felt were real and not just an amazing dream.
"Hey Bud," Ennis said softly, "we need to talk… there's somethin' I been thinkin' on an… well it concerns you as much asit does me."
"Shit… here it comes…" Jacks thoughts were defeated and sad, "knew it was to good ta be true… knew somethin' bad was gonna happen… everythin' was goin' to damn good…"
Ennis winced at these thoughts but knew that Jack's pessimism was his fault. "Why should he expect somethin' good when I ain't nev'r given him a reason to."
"Jack…" Ennis began again, trying to keep his voice steady even while his insides churned and swirled with anxiety, "will ya take a walk with me? "I know ya got a long trip ahead of ya, and I don't' wanna make you leave so late as last time… but ma'be jus' for a few minutes?"
Jack nodded, and Ennis stepped back so he could turn around. The look on Jack's face when he saw it made his heart ache. There was so much sadness there, and Ennis hated that once again he was the one putting it there.
Jack started off through the camp site to the edge of the creek. Ennis followed him and suggested they walk along the shore for a bit.
They walked for a few minutes, neither saying anything, Jack waiting and thinking,
"Jus' say it Ennis… stop tortur'ing me and say whatcha gonna say."
Taking a deep breath to steel himself, Ennis did something he had never done...not once. In all the years they had been meeting, in all the times in nearly 20 years they had walked together… he reached out and took Jack's hand. Out of the corner of his eye he watched Jack's face. Neither said anything and they both continued walking, their hands linked between them, but Ennis saw the smile that played across Jack's mouth and couldn't help but smile himself.
After they had been walking for a while, they came to a cluster of boulders that blocked the shore from view. Tugging on Jack's hand, he led him in amongst them. In the center there were several smaller boulders. Ennis led Jack to these boulders and motioned for him to sit before sitting down himself opposite him.
"What the hell…?" Jack thought, and pushed his hat back to scratch his head.
"Jack," Ennis began, a little hitch in his voice that stayed throughout his prepared speech.
"This mornin' I went for a ride to think. While I was out there, I dida lot of thinkin' bout us and all that's gone on this week. Don' know bout you, but I think we've had us a damn good week overall. A few rough spots a'course…" he said, thinking about the scene with Aguirre and raising his hand to touch the place on his forehead where he had been kicked… "but overall a real good week, doncha think?"
Jack nodded and said, "Sure 'nough'."
Satisfied with that answer, Ennis continued, "Well, what I was thinkin' is…" he hesitated and swallowed hard before saying, "ma'be I ain't ready fer it to end jus yet."
Jack's eyes flew to meet his, and Ennis saw in their depths doubt, hope, confusion, and a wealth of so many emotions that he could never begin to cipher them all out
"What are you sayin' Ennis?" Jack choked the words out of his constricted throat.
"Don't' get ex'ited Twist, he aint's sayin' what you're thinkin'… couldn'be… you been wanting and dreaming on the idea fer so long you convinced yerself that was what he's sayin' but it ain't."
"What I jus said… I ain't ready for this… for us… to end yet." Ennis said this through closed lips, his head lowered to hide the fiery red embarrassment that was clear on his face.
"Do you mean that you… we… are you sayin' what I think you're sayin', Ennis Del Mar?"
"Jack, a long time ago you talk'd to me 'bout havin' our own place… 'member that?"
"'Course I do… was the first time I saw ya in four years, I'll nev'r forget that time long as I live."
Ennis smiled a bit at the memory and then he continued, "Well… I was thinkin'... if ya still think ya might wanna, an think ya can put up with me an my ways… I think I might jus want a piece'a that sweet life ya mentioned back then, if you still want it with me..." Ennis voice trailed off, and he swallowed loudly, his eyes glued to his boots.
After several moments of silence, Ennis raised his head to look at Jack who had not made a peep. Jack was sitting on the rock, still as a statue, the color gone from his face and replaced by a mask of shock.
Concerned, Ennis touched Jack's arm, "Bud… you ok?"
Suddenly, the color returned to Jack's face in a flood and letting out a loud whoop, with eyes wide and wild he jumped up and lunged at Ennis, knocking him off balance and sending them both tumbling to the ground.
"Hey! Ennis yelled and put his arms out to catch himself.
Then Jack was hugging him so hard that he was afraid his ribs would crack… his spread open arms came together behind Jack's back and he couldn't imagine any place better to be at that moment then right there where he was…with Jack.
"This can't be happenin'… I must be dreamin'… please don' letme be dreamin'… if I am please don' nev'r letme wake up… I swear, Ennis… I swear to you that I will do ev'ry thin' I can to make you happy… you won't nev'r regret this…" Jack was babbling disjointedly against Ennis' chest, and he could feel his shirt getting wet with Jack's tears.
"At least they're happy tears this time…" Ennis thought, and felt tears of his own well up at the happy sound of Jack's voice… "and I swear to you Jack that I will do ev'ry thin' I can ta make up to you fer the last 20 years…an' you won't nev'r regret it neither."
"Damn… I alre'dy regret it… I think ya broke my damn back!" Ennis complained and pushed lightly at Jack's shoulders to make him ease up on his grip a bit. His voice was gruff and cross sounding, but he was smiling fondly at Jack who recognized the tone of his voice and knew that what he was really doing was trying not to cry.
"Jack… Jack… hey cut it out…" Ennis said, and swatted at Jack's hands that were trying to unbutton his shirt, "this ain't the place… besides… there're still a few things we need ta talk about."
This brought Jack up short, and he dropped his hands to the ground and pushed himself off of Ennis. As soon as Ennis felt Jack's weight leaving him, he wanted to pull him back and wrestled with that part of himself that immediately made his heart race each time Jack touched him or looked at him that certain way. Finally, rationality won out, and Ennis pushed himself to his feet making a big show of scowling at Jackwhile brushing thedirt off his jeans and hat.
"Scowl, all ya want Cowboy… I see that twinkle in yer eye… can't fool me none."
Ennis stifled a growl, and forced himself to remember what he still needed to say.
"Jack, there're still a few thing's that need ta be done b'fore we can do this… ya know that don'cha?" Jack's smiling face sobered at this, and he wiped the last of his tears on his sleeve.
"Right, so… what are we gonna do now?" Jack asked as he brushed himself off and retrieved his hat from behind a boulder.
"I am gonna go back to Riverton," Ennis began, and then put his hand up to stop Jack as he began to protest, "No, Jack… this is how it hasta be! I still got an obligation to Alma 'til Jenny is 18, an I aim to keep that obligation. You need to go back to Texas and decide what ta do bout Lureen and yer boy. If we're gonna do this thing, then we needta do it right. We can't go runnin' off without thinkin' it through real good first. 'Nother thing… where are we gonna go? I know ya mentioned yer folks ranch once or twice, but I ain't so sure that's a good idea."
Jack swallowed his protests, and had to admit that Ennis had a point, they had to plan this thing, and that took time. He couldn't see his daddy taking kindly to them moving up there either. The best thing for them to do was to go back to their respective homes and start preparing for the day when they would finally be together.
"…but damn I hate it when he's right…"
"Alright, I know you're right, Ennis. I don' like it, I won' lie to ya bout that, but I know you're right." Jack said.
"So what I am thinkin' is this… Jenny will be 18 in March, and she will be leavin' for college in May for the summer session. After she leaves there won't be nothin' keepin' me in Riverton. That gives us, 6 months to do all we need ta do."
"6 months," Jack mumbled. "6 months… damn."
"Yup," Ennis said, and reached out to pull Jack to him, "6 months and then we'll be togeth'r… jus' like you always wanted."
"That I like the sound of…"
"Alright, Cowboy, 6 months… that's all ya get… and then I aim to come to Riverton and drag ya off an nev'r let ya outta my sight again!"
Ennis smiled, whispered, "You got a deal, Darlin'" and leaned in for a kiss. When they pulled away from each other, both were breathing just a little faster and feeling a bit warm.
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