I just want to say a MASSIVE thank-you for all of the reviews, each and every one of them is very much appreciated.
4.
Sitting at the edge of the bed Carla played nervously with the corner of her discharge papers, her emotions all over the place. After 15 days, 3 hours and 46 minutes sat in the same hospital room, staring at the same 4 walls with the same thoughts going round and round in her head she thought she would be happy to go home.
However now that the moment was here she couldn't help but dread walking back onto the street, everything was safe here. She had a schedule set out by the doctors and nurses, they woke her up, told her when to eat, gave her the medication she needed to rid her body of the infection that had almost taken not only her life but that of her unborn child.
At home it was a different story, at home she was alone.
Peter was gone, her marriage was over and she didn't know where to go from here. There was no road map, no how to guide or advice column, instead all she had was her own instincts. The very same instincts that she had spent the past 2 weeks fighting. Every time her phone rang and Peter's name flashed up on the screen she could almost see the angel and devil arguing on her shoulder.
Answer it.
Don't answer it.
He's just ringing for an update on you and the baby.
He can ring the nurses, they'll tell him.
He still loves you.
He never loved you.
He's sorry for what he did.
No matter how sorry he is it will never make things right.
Shaking her head Carla silently willed them away, desperate for her heart and head to get on the same page, to both stand together and tell her what she should do.
"You all set?" Rebecca, a young nurse with honey-brown hair asked.
Carla nodded, her smile too tight. "Yeah."
"Have you got any questions about what the doctor said?" Rebecca questioned, taking the final IV out of the older woman's hand.
Slowly Carla shook her head. "No."
"And you remember her instructions?" Rebecca asked. "Because I know she'd be more than willing to come back, go over it with you again," she offered.
Smiling Carla again shook her head. "Nah. Thanks. I've got it all; lots of fluids, plenty of rest, don't push myself too hard, if it starts to hurt it's my bodies way of telling me to slow down, any cramping, vomiting or bleeding them I'm to come straight to maternity."
"Also if you notice your temperature is going up again then come straight back," Rebecca added, taking a last set of vital signs. "That infection of yours was very stubborn, you've been on some powerful antibiotics for a while now so there's always the chance that now you're only on oral antibiotics it will launch a sneak comeback."
"I'll be watching for it," Carla reassured the nurse as the blood pressure cuff was removed from her arm. "So do I get top marks?" she joked, referring to her vitals.
Rebecca nodded. "Everything is exactly as it should be."
"Good because me and the little one here are ready to ditch this joint," Carla laughed, resting her hand on her stomach. "No offence," she added, smiling towards the young nurse who had become a regular fixture in her hospital room during her stay.
"None taken," Rebecca assured her. "And you know I mean nothing but the best when I say this but I hope we never see this again until you're the size of a house and ready to have that baby."
Carla reached out and took the nurses hand in hers. "Thank you. You cheeky-"
"Now, now," Rebecca teased. "Not with young ears in the room."
"Honestly, thank-you," Carla whispered, handing the nurse a gift bag and card. "You've been an absolute star."
Taking the present Rebecca nodded, she'd grown rather fond of her sharp-mouthed, sometimes difficult but always entertaining patient over the last 2 weeks. "That's why they pay me the big bucks."
Nodding Carla pushed herself to her feet, although she had been walking around the ward, and yesterday had even taken a stroll to the gift shop to pick up the gifts her legs still felt weak with disuse.
"Is someone picking you up?" Rebecca asked.
"My brother should be here any minute now," Carla replied, doing one last search of the cupboards to make sure she had not forgotten anything.
Rebecca helped her lift the bag onto the bed, and fasten it up. "Good."
"I'll just head outside, meet him by the entrance," Carla offered, not wanting to take up the hospital bed any longer than she already had.
"You're more than welcome to wait here," Rebecca offered.
Carla flashed the nurse a knowing smile. "Oh Yeah."
"It's cold outside," Rebecca shrugged.
Carla raised her eyebrows. "It's pushing 20 out there."
"You shouldn't be on your feet for too long," Rebecca insisted, trying to hide her blush.
Carla laughed, running her hand through her hair. "You just want one last perve at my baby brother."
"Don't be so outrageous," Rebecca stammered. "That would be totally unprofessional," she added with a wink.
Walking over Carla rested her hand on the young girls shoulder. "Between you and me I'd much rather he hooked up with you than that crazy witch he's with," she whispered, her voice light and teasing as she tried not to think about the drama that was waiting for her when she finally got back to the street.
Shaking her head Rebecca lightly directed her towards the door. "Go on you. Get out of here."
Stopping at the door Carla watched as Rob made his way down the hall. "Really though; thank you, all of you."
"You all set?" Rob asked as he spotted his sister.
"Yep," Carla said. "My bags on the bed when you're ready."
Shaking his head Rob laughed, pleased to see some of the fight back in her. "Yes Madam."
"And don't take all day about it," Carla continued with a laugh. "It's almost 3 o'clock which means it's been a whole 2 hours since you're niece and I have eaten."
Walking over to the bed Rob muttered to himself. "There's only another 4 months of this to go," as he picked up her bag and made his way back out to where she was waiting.
"You get everything you need?" Rob asked, not wanting to make a return trip later when she realised she'd forgotten something.
"Yep," Carla assured him, holding up a prescription bag.
Rob nodded resting his hand on the small of her back. "Good. Now let's get out of here."
- 0 -
As Rob pulled the car up outside the flat Carla felt her heart rate almost double in speed. Being in the hospital as tough as it had been had been like living inside a bubble, the police had left her alone, Peter had kept away; except for the 27 missed calls and 14 voicemail messages from him, and there had been no neighbours gossiping and pointing the fingers.
The respite had allowed her to focus all of her strength on getting better, making sure she ate 3 meals a day and got enough sleep, everything she needed to do to ensure she remained as healthy as possible for the sake of her unborn daughter.
"You alright?" Rob asked, sensing her distress.
"Yes," Carla lied.
Rob could hear the uncertainty in her voice. "Carla," he warned.
"No really I am," Carla insisted. "It's just being back here … where everything happened … in the hospital, away from it all I could almost convince myself it was nothing but a horrible nightmare but right here, in the centre of it all … there's no hiding. My husband really did cheat. My marriage really is over. Tina really is dead. And people really think I killed her," Carla sighed, as the heavy weight of reality crashed down around her.
Rob took her hand in his. "If anyone can get through this. You can."
"I don't really have a choice do I?" Carla smiled, resting her hand on her stomach. "For her sake I have to."
"I'm here, whatever you need I'm here for you, for both of you," Rob vowed.
Carla nodded. "I know. And we both really appreciate it."
"You ready?" Rob asked, motioning towards the flat.
Taking a deep, steadying breath Carla nodded. "As I'll ever be."
"Michelle said she'd be round shortly," Rob said, as he lifted her bags from the back seat and locked up the car, looking around he let out a sigh of relief when he realised there was no one around as he'd half been expecting Peter to be camped outside.
"You looking for someone?" Carla asked.
Rob shrugged. "Just making sure the coast was clear."
Nodding knowingly Carla linked her arm with his as she allowed him to help her towards the flat. Although she had been given a clean bill of health by the hospital she still tired easily, the infection had really done a number on her body and she knew it would take her a while yet to get back to complete strength.
"Have you seen him?" Carla wondered, knowing that Rob would know who she was talking about without her having to stay his name.
Rob nodded, his eyes clouding over with anger. "Yeah. Unfortunately we're living under the same roof."
"And how is he?" Carla asked.
"None of your concern, not anymore," Rob steamed, taking out her keys and opening the door.
Carla looked at her brother, her eyes narrow in warning. "Rob. Please. He's-"
"Sober," Rob finally admitted, the word almost sticking in his throat. "At least he appears to be, I haven't seen him with a drink since-"
"I collapsed in the street," Carla finished for him.
Rob nodded. "Yeah."
Stopping at the bottom of the stairs Carla faced Rob. "Look don't think I don't appreciate everything you've done for me because I do. I really, really do but I've just spent the last 2 weeks surrounded by people I can't wait to spend some time by myself, now I've been cleared from a healing point of view I'm desperate to spend a very long time, soaking in a very hot bath."
"Is that your not-so-subtle way of telling me to get lost?" Rob laughed.
Resting her hand on his arm Carla nodded. "Yep."
"Ok, ok," Rob relented. "I know how to take a hint."
"Thank you," Carla said, reaching over and giving him a kiss on the cheek.
Rob motioned to the bag in his hands. "You want me to take this up for you first?"
"I can manage," Carla assured him, taking the bag from him she waited until he was outside before closing the door behind her. Putting the bag down she leaned against the door, taking a series of calming breaths before slowly making her way up the stairs.
Why she hadn't been lying when she told Rob she wanted to be alone, she couldn't help but fear that even when she was surrounded by people she would still feel alone anyway.
"At least I've always got you," she whispered, as she entered the flat.
Heading straight for the bathroom she put the plug in before turning the hot water on, selecting a lavender scented bath oil she poured a little of it in before moving over to the fall length mirror. Wiping it clear of the steam that was starting to cloud the shiny surface. Stepping back she stripped off her clothes so that she was totally naked, turning sideways a small smile crept across her lips as she rested her hand on the small, yet clearly visible baby bump that seemed to pop up over night.
"A little bit bigger, a little bit stronger," she whispered, cradling the bump.
Turning to face the mirror she was immediately struck by how much her body had changed, changes that months ago only lived in her nightmares but now that motherhood was a reality she found herself embracing them, the small bump, the swollen breasts and the widening of her hips.
Closing her eyes she tried to imagine what her little girl would look like, would she have Peter's brown eyes or her shade of green? Would she have her father's smile or would she have her mother's fuller lips? Either way she couldn't wait to meet her, to hold in her arms and watch her grow.
Shaking her head she ran her hand over her silhouette, there was definitely no mistaking the fact she was pregnant now, she no longer looked like she'd had a big meal, instead despite the paleness of her skin and the dark circles under her eyes she had the clear glow of a pregnant woman.
Stepping back she turned the hot water off and sat down on the edge of the bath, waiting for the water to cool down before stepping in.
35 minutes, a hair wash and a long soak later she stepped out of the bath, standing in front of the mirror she was unable to resist taking another look at the image of her pregnant form, her stomach a growing reminder that her daughter was hanging on, that despite everything else she had lost in her life she still had her little girl.
"We're gonna be alright you and me," she vowed.
As if the little girl had heard her mother Carla was rewarded with a tiny fluttering deep within her stomach. At first she thought she was imagining things, but then she felt it again and she was unable to stop the small gasp that escaped her lips as the fluttering continued, it was almost as if her little girl was trying to reassure her mother that she wasn't alone.
"I love you so much already," Carla whispered as she grabbed a towel from the pile and wrapped it and around her hair, not bothering to cover her body she stepped out into the living area, not noticing the lone figure that sat at the table.
"Oh my God," Peter gasped as he looked up, unable to tear his eyes from the scene before him as Carla stood in the doorway of the bathroom, the light behind her illuminating her very naked and very pregnant body.
Stepping back into the bathroom Carla grabbed her dressing gown off the back of the door and covered herself up, while she was steadfast in her resolve to allow Peter to be a part of their daughter's life her naked body was not a part of that equation, he gave up any rights he had to her body when he shattered their marriage vowels.
"What are you doing here?" Carla growled.
"I don't know," Peter admitted.
Carla took a few tentative steps towards him. "Are you drunk?"
"No," Peter answered, looking up from the table, hoping that she would be able to see the truth in his eyes. "That I do know for sure. I haven't had a drink in 14 days, 6 hours and," looking at his watch he quickly did the maths. "26 … no 27 minutes."
Genuinely relived Carla nodded. "I'm really pleased for you Peter."
"It's not been easy," Peter admitted. "Every morning when I wake up I want a drink, and every night when I'm lying in bed I want to have a drink but I don't and do you know why?"
Carla shook her head. "But I'm sure you're about to tell me."
Standing up Peter moved so he was stood just a few feet away from her. "Because I want this more. You. Me. Simon. And our little girl. That's what gets me up in the morning and keeps me from the drink, I go to sleep at night with a copy of your scan, our wedding photo and a picture of Simon by my bed and that helps me stay sober. You keep me sober Carla."
"I can't be your touchstone Peter," Carla whispered.
"I'm not-"
Carla held up her hands. "Yes you are, you're asking me to save you, to be you're light in the darkness or whatever else it is they go on about in AA. But I can't be that, not anymore Peter, I have to concentrate on me, on getting myself through this and on our little girl, on making sure I stay healthy so she stays healthy and right now that's all I can think about because anything else is more than I can deal with right now."
"I'm sorry," Peter apologised.
"I don't need you to be sorry," Carla told him. "Not anymore. That ship has sailed, right now I just need you to stay sober and to respect my boundaries."
Peter too held up his hands. "I'm sorry. It's just when I heard you were coming home today I needed to see you, to see with my own eyes that you were ok."
"I'm ok," Carla reassured him. "But I still need you to leave."
Reluctantly Peter nodded. "You look more than ok Carla. You look amazing, pregnancy really suits you … that little bump … where our daughter's growing … you're br-"
"Don't," Carla warned. "You don't get to look at me like that, to think about me in that way, you gave up those rights the minute you even considered starting anything with Tina. So stop, stop looking at me like that because right now I just … I need you to leave."
"I really am sorry," Peter whispered, his voice heavy with regret and his eyes dark with unshed tears.
Carla swallowed in a bid to try and stop her own voice from breaking. "I know you are. But it's not enough Peter. Not this time."