Chapter Five: Don't Let Go

The minute she exited the interrogation room with Admiral Pike at her rear, Charlie felt like she had run ten marathons. While she held her head high and a defiant gleam shined out from her eyes, the clenched fists at her side were shaking and there was a noticeable tremor near her pursed lips. As soon as she entered into the evening breeze outside the main building, she dropped a part of her façade. The breath eased from her tight chest and she allowed her shoulders to loosen, but she was still a mass of nerves as she turned to regard the limping man behind her, trying his hardest to keep up with her anxious strides.

"What the hell was that all about?" she snapped once he was within earshot.

"I'm trying to understand that myself," Pike answered, coming to rest in front of her, his breathing a little ragged. "That little interrogation blindsided me too. I thought Marcus just wanted to make sure you got the necessary evaluations before letting you near the command center of the Enterprise; something that isn't necessarily without merit."

"Yea, well I feel like I just got my ass handed to me, except it doesn't look like my ass, so I'm a little confused."

"Listen, I can understand why you're angry—"

"No shit, you think?" she snapped, crossing her arms as she took her anger out on the one person she could at that moment.

Pike shook his head with a sigh. "You and Jim are perfect for each other," he grumbled. "I can understand your anger and I'm not exactly the happiest person at the moment either. I told Jim I would take care of you, and that's what I'm going to do."

Charlie let her arms fall, running a quick hand through her loose hair before turning a grateful gaze onto Pike. "You're right, I'm sorry," she admitted. "But I was a bit surprised by the way that went. Marcus wants something from me; I just have no idea what that is or if I can give him what we wants."

Pike jerked his head toward the left and began walking, Charlie falling into step next to him. "I got that as well."

"Were you watching through the two way mirror?" she asked.

"How'd you know there was a two-way mirror?"

"Pfft," she scoffed. "It was obvious. I know things have changed a lot since I was last on Earth, but I've seen enough interrogations to know someone is always watching."

Pike smirked, admiration flashed in his cobalt stare as he nodded. "Yeah, I was watching. Something didn't sit well with me when Marcus ordered you away from Jim. I wanted to see for myself what he was on about, and I guess I was right about something."

"What do you think it is?" Charlie contemplated, now that she was far enough away and her mind stared to clear.

"I don't know," the admiral admitted grudgingly. "I might be able to find out though, it's just going to take time. You're going to have to be patient."

"No offense, sir, but patience really isn't in my vocabulary."

"I see why you and Jim get on so well," Pike smiled. "But you're going to have to trust me. Can you do that, Charlie?"

She stopped in the middle of the pathway, hurrying cadets and officers having to sidestep the pair and shooting annoyed glances their way. Charlie regarded the man in front of her, brushing her curling, tangled hair behind her ears as it swirled around in the wind. No one other than Jim had ever asked that of her before. Her life had always been duty, honor, and loyalty. Her father always pushing that trust was only for the man at your six, and the gun in your hand. After the events with Sagan, and now Admiral Marcus, Charlie was having a difficult time finding those who she could trust to have her back. But something stirred deep inside her psyche, a resonance that only made its appearance known in breathless seconds and gave her the truth of the situation.

"Yes," she breathed out, almost surprising herself with the answer. "I do trust you."

The lines around the admiral's eyes crinkled as he smiled, completely unaware of how powerful those words meant to the woman in front of him. "Good. Now let's get you to your home for the next few weeks."

Charlie nodded, and followed the admiral toward his house. She glanced up at the sky, the light fading as the sun started to set on San Francisco, washing it in gold and red. Up there somewhere was the Enterprise, and she knew with divine certainty that she would be there again. She had to be.

Pike's townhouse was spacious and comfortable as the admiral invited her inside, holding the door open for Charlie while she cautiously stepped forward. The lights snapped on, showing a setup similar to Jim's apartment but the colors were warm in tans, browns, and highlights of red. The cream kitchen was inviting, the couches were plush, and while Jim's view was of a wonderful vista including the Academy and San Francisco Bay, Pike's overlooked the city itself, the lights reflected on the warm walls. A deep-seated ache began to grow in her chest. She could picture Jim and her in a place similar to the admiral's, and the fact that she wasn't sharing it with him was another reason to focus her anger on Marcus and whatever scheme he had.

"Jim dropped your stuff off earlier," Pike announced, shutting the door behind them and gesturing down the hallway. "Your room is upstairs two doors down on the left, and the bathroom is the first door on the right."

"I don't understand why I can stay with Jim while he's still on Earth," Charlie voiced as she dropped her bag by the island in the kitchen and hopped on a stool while Pike pulled out two glasses and a bottle of whiskey.

"Marcus thinks you're more inclined and have greater opportunity to run remaining with him."

"Run," she spat. "It makes me seem like some type of criminal." She nodded when Pike had filled her glass with a hefty three fingers of the amber liquid, bringing the glass to her lips and inhaling the poignant smell of the alcohol. A quick sip of warmth spread through her limbs almost instantly and the fire burned down into her belly as the whiskey worked its way down her throat. "Why is he so concerned about me anyhow? I understand the implications of me with the crew; I get that. I have to be vetted, but this whole idea of keeping me under lock and key, and stupid psych evals are pointless and a waste of my time."

"He didn't recommend the psych tests. I did."

Charlie about dropped her glass while her stomach plunged like a stone. "Why would you ask for that? I'm fine."

"But you're not, and you know it." His cerulean stare bore into her own, and she was forced to look away, her cheeks heating with indignation. "Listen, Charlie. I've been where you've been."

"You couldn't possibly understand what happened to me," she sputtered angrily.

"You wanna bet?" Pike barked. Charlie snapped her head up in surprise as the man limped around the island to take the seat next to her. "Didn't Jim ever tell you about the Nero incident?"

"Not really. He told me some, but never went into a lot of detail," she explained, staring at the medley of colors in the countertop. "I did look into it when I was researching how to get home, but I couldn't access the reports because I didn't have a Starfleet access code."

"Then let me fill in the rest. Nero took me prisoner, subjected me to all sort of tortures so he could get the security codes to Earth's defenses."

Charlie's eyes flickered to his and widened in astonishment. She knew that Pike had been Captain of the Enterprise before Jim, and that something happened that caused Jim to take control of the ship. But Charlie had never learned the full details of the incident, and besides, her focus had been on Nero and the Red Matter. "He did?"

"Yes, so I know what it's like, Charlie. To feel scared and powerless, wondering when a force outside your control is going to pull the plug on your life. To have to do things you don't want to do, but knowing it's the right choice to save others. You're fighting the entire time against this seemingly impenetrable force, and just getting worn away until all you want to do is give up, but you can't. You just can't."

Tears rose and she tried vainly to swallow them and show strength in front of the admiral. But Pike hit the nail straight on the head, and Charlie felt the fragile defense she built dissolve as softly as butterfly wings. She sniffled, her focus blurred by the rising liquid in her eyes. She impatiently tried to brush the water away, annoyed by the weakness she thought her tears were.

"You have to let me help you," he continued. "You will get better, I can promise you that, but the first step in fixing a problem is admitting you have one."

Charlie snorted, wiping under her eyes. "I'm warning you now, I'm a little stubborn."

Pike smiled. "That's what Jim said, but you'll find I'm just as stubborn and I outrank you."

Charlie chuckled wetly. "By a bit, Sir." She paused, taking another larger sip of her whiskey as she considered voicing the question on her tongue. "Did you have nightmares after Nero?"

"Yes, I did." Pike rose, and wobbled over to a drawer, pulling out a paper pamphlet and handing it to Charlie to consider as he added, "I'm not going to subject you to my cooking on your first night here. I hope you like Chinese."

"Love it," she smiled softly. "How bad were they?" she added after a pause.

"The first few weeks I hardly remembered them," he sighed, leaning on the counter while Charlie read over the menu. "But I was so drugged while they worked on my spine that I couldn't tell you what happened from one day to another. After they released me, they were bad. I was waking up three-four times a night drenched in sweat and shaking. I couldn't sleep with any blanket or sheet because I just felt restrained."

"How did you get over it?"

"I haven't, but I'm better. Like you, I was required to attend therapy sessions and they helped me find ways to curb the fear."

Charlie wrinkled her nose as she confessed, "I don't like shrinks. My dad always said that it was weak to talk about our fear."

"I don't want to be rude, but your dad is a fool."

Charlie smirked and said, "No, you're fine. I always thought he was." At Pike's confused glance, she explained, "My dad and I – we've never had a good relationship."

"Why not?"

"He had to have things done his way and his way only, and he didn't care who he had to bowl over in the process."

"Sounds like a hard man to live up too."

"You could say that again," Charlie sighed, draining her glass with a quick shot. "He was always more of a commanding officer than a father. If my siblings or I did something wrong, we'd hear about it for weeks. If we did something right though, like ace a test or win a track meet, we'd get a grunt of acknowledgement at best. Well that applied to me, at least."

"What do you mean?" Pike asked, draining his whiskey as well and setting the empty cup on the counter with a clink.

Charlie pursed her lips while rolling her empty glass between her palms. "I've never lived up the Noland name the way he expected me to do. My brother and sister both went to military academies for high school and college; they participated in pseudo-military combat games, hell they were sneaking into the Air Force Academy's classes when Dad's colleagues weren't looking. My brother could identify any type of military plane, including its missile and defense system by the time he was nine, and my sister knew every Air Force regulation under the sun. She and Dad would try to best each other for different things using those regulations and protocols; almost like a game."

"But not you?"

"No," Charlie admitted, pushing the glass away. "Not me. I never had a taste for it, much to his disappointment. I fought tooth and nail against military school, to the point he sent me to boarding school in New England because he didn't want to hear me complain anymore. I went to a normal 'state' school for my undergraduate degree, and when I told Mom and Dad I was moving to England for a year, thereby not going into officer's training, Dad basically told me to not bother coming back. 'We're Nolands,' he said. 'We are soldiers, all of us, and if you can't be the solider I raised you to be, what your family dictates you to be, you can get the hell out of my house.' So I did.

"And you know what really kills me?" she added, glaring at something only she could see. "I like the military. I like learning about martial strategy, and uncovering ancient battlefields. I've always had an interest in weaponry, and I was taking classes for fencing and archery. I just didn't want to practice what I learned."

"Have you talked to Jim about this?"

"No way," she shook her head vehemently. "He never even got to know his dad. I don't think it would be fair for me to blast mine in front of him. He wouldn't understand."

Pike stared at Charlie a moment, he gaze soft with sympathy. "Is he why you didn't return to the 21st century?"

"Partly," she shrugged. "I had every intention of going back, but when the transporter couldn't finish the job, I realized I had nothing left to return to. I did have a lot to stay for though. At least I think I do."

Pike smirked. "You think?"

Charlie smiled sheepishly, "Okay, I know I do, but this Marcus thing; it's intimidating. He's so much like my dad that all my defenses go right up."

"Well don't worry about Marcus," Pike affirmed, taking the menu once Charlie pointed out what she wanted. "Even as the head of Starfleet, there is only so far he can go. Once you start regularly attending therapy sessions, and we get you enrolled in a few class at the local college, he'll realize there's nothing different about you. You'll be back with Jim before Christmas."

"Thank you, Sir," Charlie spoke softly.

Pike smirked, picking up a communicator and before he dialed he said, "Anytime, Charlie. Kirk's like the son I never had, which I guess makes you a daughter by association."

"I guess I could fill that role," she smirked lightheartedly. And when the nightmares came again that night, Pike was there soothing her in a way her father never could.

True to his word, Pike enrolled Charlie at a local community college in San Francisco to help her adapt to her new world. As the weeks passed, Charlie began to adjust and become more in tune with the world around her. Each night, Pike patiently assisted her with her homework, answering any questions she had and teaching her new skills that any child of the 23rd century already knew. It was as if she had to learn to walk all over again, and while there were a few stumbles at first, every day she grew a little more confident. She started speaking up in class and reaching out to both the professors and other students to learn as much as she could, but per the admiral's warning, Charlie never told anyone where she was really from. She knew she had to keep them at a distance, but she did gain a few study friends to ease her loneliness.

Although her intellectual confidence grew, she was still struggling when it came to her emotional stability. Obeying the orders given by Marcus, Charlie attended sessions with a Starfleet counselor, and while she was incredibly resistant to start, ever so slowly she was allowing them to aid her. She was even finding some of their suggestions useful, and she gradually noticed a decrease in her nightmares and night sweats. All of her anger and fear were easing with each week, and Charlie was beginning to feel more like herself again. Pike was proud to see a sparkle in her amber eyes, and noted in his reports of her changed disposition. She wasn't as hostile as before and her smile was more open and honest.

The only matter that had not been cleared up involved Admiral Marcus and his apparent interest in her. They continued to have weekly meetings that resulted in little sway in either's direction. Marcus was convinced that Charlie had seen more military combat than she really had, and no amount of persuasion assuaged him of that idea. He asked things of her that she just couldn't answer, including militant strategies of her 'brilliant' general father, and how he defeated an army of something called the augments. Having only a basic knowledge of the actual Star Trek universe, Charlie was at a loss of what Marcus was talking about. She had only ever watched The Next Generation series, and had a vague understanding of the original. All she knew was that the timeline was now changed, and events were unfolding differently than what she knew. She still kept her vow never to tell anyone of her knowledge, but it became increasingly difficult with Marcus's interrogations.

Still, no matter how many classes she took or the number of therapy sessions she attended, Charlie still felt like an awkward puzzle piece without Jim at her side. He was her anchor in her new universe, and whilst she was confident she could stand on her own two feet should the need arise, she still missed him. He had left the following week after she moved in with Pike, Starfleet giving him several cartography and survey missions of surrounding solar systems. The Enterprise was cleared for repairs and upgrades, and in his daily conversation with her, Jim told Charlie of how well the ship was handling and the adventures he and crew were experiencing.

"It was incredible to see George again," Jim told her one night during their daily call. He was sitting in his quarters, bare-chested and his hair still damp from a shower. "After all this time, my brother was on Deneva and I never knew. He even has a family; he's got a son."

Charlie smiled, the late afternoon sun shining into her room making her eyes and hair shine in bright ambers and chestnuts. "That must have been wonderful to see him, Jim. To get a part of your family back."

"I wish you could have met him," Jim confessed with a sad smile.

Charlie glanced away from the screen with a sigh. "Me too," she admitted, bringing her gaze back to the screen. "But, maybe we can go there on shore leave sometime when I'm back on the Enterprise. Give you both time to reconnect and you could get to know your nephew."

"I think it could be arranged," Jim agreed. "How are your classes going? Scotty about turned the ship around after I told him what you learned in your practical engineering course. He said something along the lines of 'no person should ever be allowed near anything technological after what that nitwit is teachin'!' Or something like that."

Charlie laughed, shaking her head as she responded, "oh poor Scotty. Well tell him I did explain that in practical applications, the sensor array can be modified to pick up subspace distortions by adjusting the delta scanners, but the professor brushed me off. He said that in order to divert power to pick up the distortions, one would have to manually change the scanners on the outside of the ship."

Kirk shook his head as said, "I am not telling Scotty that. I won't hear the end of it. He's already griping to me that someone else is teaching his 'prized student.' It's interesting that being from the 21st century, you know the components of a spaceship better than a professor of this age."

"Well, I've had some pretty good teachers," Charlie grinned.

Jim smiled back. "True, no one can compare to my crew."

"Perfectionist," she teased, rolling her eyes.

"Hey, I have a pretty good record regarding our missions," Jim argued good-naturedly. "We always get the job done."

Raising her hands up in surrender, she said, "I know that. I wouldn't be here if you weren't good at your job."

Jim's azure eyes dimmed as he asked, "Is everything else going okay? Marcus isn't pressuring too much, is he? I swear, I'll send the Federation president after him if—"

"Woah, Charming, slow down," Charlie ordered quickly. "Everything's fine, I mean as much as it can be without you here."

He sighed, running a hand through his still damp hair and sending small droplets of water to scatter around. "I wish I could be there, or better yet have you here with me. This whole arrangement is ridiculous."

Charlie leaned back in her chair in a huff while she blew a stray strand of dark hair from her eyes. "Yea, I think so too. Now, I will admit that the therapy sessions have been helping, and Pike has been absolutely wonderful, but I don't fit in around here like I did on the ship," she admitted. "I feel like a black sheep almost. I'm just different enough that things always feel weird; disjointed. It doesn't feel like it did when I was with you. Maybe that's weak to admit," she gazed sheepishly as the screen, crossing her arms in front of her, "but the counselor did say I should try to be more open with those closest to me."

Jim softened, leaning closer to screen as he said, "You're not weak by telling me how you feel. I can't even imagine what it must be like to be living in a place outside your own time, but don't think for a moment you don't belong. You're missing your family, and I can tell you they all miss you too. Even Spock is missing you."

"Spock?" she scoffed.

"He keeps asking about you, which I interpret to mean he misses you," Kirk grinned. "I talked to Pike, and if things keep going the way they are, you should be home soon."

"I hope so. I miss you, Jim."

"I miss you too, Spitfire," Jim teased. "We have a few more surveys to do before we can head back to Earth. I'm hoping we'll be done in the next few weeks, which should be plenty of time for the review board at Headquarters to pass you through."

"Review board?" Charlie squeaked.

"Didn't Pike tell you?" At the shake of her head, Jim cursed softly. "I guess he left it for me to do. Your file and the notes on your progress will go through a process of a review board, probably headed by Admiral Marcus who will then decide if you can return to the Enterprise."

"And if they decide not to let me?" Charlie growled.

"They will," Jim affirmed. "After the progress you've made, the steps you have taken to comply with what he was asking, plus you'll have Pike and the entire Enterprise crew backing you. They will have no choice but to invalidate the claim that you shouldn't be with us; with me."

"I'm trying so hard, Jim."

"I know, and they will see that. I will make them see it."

Charlie paused, consciously setting her heart rate back to normal. "You're probably right. And just so you know, it's sexy how determined you get."

Kirk snorted, a large grin breaking out across his face as his sapphire gaze sparkled with mischief. "I could tell you how determined I would be right now if you were here."

Immediately heat flared in Charlie's cheeks and her eyes shot toward her bedroom door, hoping Pike who was working in his office next-door didn't hear. She glanced back at her screen, seeing the challenge in Jim's expression and matched it with an unamused one of her own. "I bet you would be," she responded with a smirk. "But unfortunately, I have a night class, so you might have to determinately wait until next time."

"Oh I will, Charlie. I'm determined that once you're back here, you're going to have no doubt how much you belong on this ship."

"I love you, Kirk," Charlie smiled.

"I love you too. I'll talk to you tomorrow."