AN: Thank you all so much for the reviews and favorites. You don't know how much they mean to me. This chapter is by far one of the most difficult things I have ever written. I know I have said that I wanted to be one chapter ahead before I post, but I figured I kept you all waiting long enough. I am working on the next chapter, it just isn't finished. So without further ado here is chapter 4…enjoy.
I feel my body being shaken and I can hear my name being whispered. I finally decided to open my eyes and Kurt is in my face, I jump and grab my chest.
"Dammit Kurt, you almost gave me a heart attack!"
"Sorry, Rae. Here are some sweats and your toiletries. Anything happen while I was gone?"
"Thanks. No, she hasn't moved at all. The only noise in the room is these damn machines. Are Dad and Daddy mad?" I ask cautiously.
"No, they understand. They said to call them the instant something happens."
"Alright. Thank you again for doing this for me. Are you sure you want to stay, I mean I'm not sure how comfy the couch is, I haven't laid on it."
"Of course, Diva. I wouldn't leave your side even if you were forcing me too. I don't care about the couch. Now, why don't you go get changed and showered and I will stay here and watch you mother like a hawk and make sure everything stays the way it is now."
"Alrighty. I don't expect her to be too much trouble." I laughed for the first time in hours. I know this isn't a funny situation but sometimes you just have to laugh to keep from crying, right? Plus, it reminded me of that scene in Titanic when Jack was handcuffed to the pole and says "I'll just wait here", like really Jack? Where else are you going to go? How else is my mom going to cause trouble? Anyway, I drag myself out of my thoughts to go change.
After a quick shower and freshening up, I return to find Kurt lay out on the couch reading his latest gossip magazine.
"Hey. Feel better?" He asks, noticing I have returned.
"Much. Anything interesting happening in the entertainment world?"
"Well, Page 6 totally took my headline story for Izzy's blog, so now I am going to have to come up with another story, but oh well. I'm sure I can find something to write about."
"You always do."
I sit in a chair next to mom's bed and grab her hand. "I know you will wake up. I know that you will be better; it is just going to take some time. You are strong, mom, and you are needed here. You can't leave us just yet. Beth needs you, Marley needs you. I need you, mom. So have a good night's rest and I look forward to seeing you in the morning. I love you." I place a kiss on her cheek before wrapping up in a blanket the night nurse brought in and falling asleep.
The next time I wake up it is because I hear people talking. I stretch and rub the sleep out of my eyes.
"Good morning, Ms. Berry." The nurse greets me.
"Please, call me Rachel."
"Okay, Rachel. I am sorry to have woken you up but we need to take Ms. Corcoran down to the MRI and CAT scan to check on the swelling of her brain. She should be gone a little less than an hour."
"Okay. I am going to go grab some coffee from the cafeteria."
She nods and walks out. I walk over to Kurt and begin shaking him awake. He slowly begins to open his eyes.
"Good morning sunshine." I say once his eyes are focused. "I am heading down to get some coffee, would you like to go with me?"
"Sure, where is Shelby?"
"They took her for some tests to check on the swelling of her brain."
He gets up and pulls me into a hug. "It will be fine, Rae, I just know it."
"I know, let's go. I have a feeling I will need this later."
As we are returning to mom's floor, I see Marley and Beth walking toward the room.
"Marley! Beth!" I yell to get their attention. Beth comes running over, followed by Marley.
"Hey Rachie!" Rachie? That's new.
"Hey kiddo. Sleep well?"
"I slept okay. What about you?"
"Yes. They took mom downstairs for her tests so that we will know what is going on, they should be back soon." Marley nods and we make our way back to the room to find they have already brought her back. The nurse smiles at us.
"I am taking it that it is good news?" I hear Marley ask.
"I know nothing, ma'am. The doctor should be in shortly. I will let him know you are back." And with that she walks out. I watch as Beth walks over to mom's side and crawls in the bed, straddling her legs. She begins talking about nonsense as if mom is going to respond. I can't help but to fear the worst. Just as I get comfortable in the chair Doctor Stevens walks in and I get up again.
"Hello, Doctor."
"Good morning, everyone," She replies. "Ms. Berry can I speak with you outside?"
My heart picks up. Why would she want to meet with me outside? Oh God, I can feel myself losing it. I grab Marley's hand on the way out and pull her with me.
"Kurt, stay with the kiddo please. We are going to talk just outside." He nods and gives me a small smile.
"Follow me please. I would like to take you to my office." Really is this necessary? "Have a seat, ladies." We sit down and wait for her to start explaining. She looks at me, then at Marley, then back to me. I hear her take in a deep breath and release it slowly.
"Rachel, there is no easy way to tell you this so I am just going to say it." I reach over for Marley's hand. "Ms. Corcoran has quite a bit of brain damage due to the loss of blood and oxygen. She is on life support. This is where it gets tricky. You need to call her lawyer to see if she has a will and if it states anything about resuscitation. If it does, we will allow you to say your goodbyes and then take her off the machines. If it doesn't, since you are her next of kin, the decision is yours."
"What about Beth? Isn't she next of kin?"
"Yes, she is too; however, she is not over the legal age of 18, so it is your choice."
"Okay. If we take her off of the machines, what are her survival rates? Like will she die immediately?"
"That is hard to say, every case is different."
"Okay, thank you." I get up to leave. I am handling this very well. Maybe because I have talked myself into knowing that this was going to happen. Once out of Dr. Steven's office I pull Marley into a hug. She has been quietly crying through all of this.
"We need to tell Beth." She finally says.
"Yes, I know, but I would like to find out about the will first so that we can go into that conversation knowing what we need to say. Whether we need to tell her to say goodbye or whether or not we need to discuss what we are going to do. How long we will give Mom to come back."
"You are so right, Rachel. I have her lawyer's information; let me get it for you." It didn't take long to get ahold of her lawyer. He read over the will and there was no clause for DNR, so he told me that it was my choice. Fuck!
We make our way back to the room. I sit down and tell Beth to come sit with me. Kurt gets up to leave, and I shake my head so he sits back down.
"Kiddo, I am going to talk to you just like I did yesterday. I am going to be straight up with you, alright? If it gets to be too much, let me know and I will take a break, okay?" She just nods, so I continue. "I talked to Dr. Stevens just now about Mom's tests. She said that when mom had the aneurysm, she lost a lot of blood and during surgery her brain lost a lot of oxygen, so she is brain dead which means that while she is here, she will not wake up. She will just stay asleep. She has to stay on the breathing machine because her brain is no longer able to tell her how and when to breath. Okay?" She nods again. I take a moment to collect myself before springing the worst on her. "Beth, it is our choice whether or not we leave Mom on the machines and let her stay asleep but alive or if we want to turn the machines off so that she can leave us."
"You mean so she can die?" She asks, shocking me.
"Yes, kiddo, so she can die. Now, since I am over 18, I have to tell the doctor what we want to do, but I will not make any decision without asking you about it first, okay?"
"Okay, Rachel." She looks over at Marley. "Mar, are you going to help us make the decision?"
Marley looks over at me and I nod letting her know it is okay, she has a right to have a say in this as well.
"Yes, Bethie. I will help."
"Okay, so what are you thinking Rachel?" Beth turns back to me.
"I think we should give her a chance to recovery. I don't want to end it so soon. I believe that our mom is a fighter and I think maybe, just maybe she can pull through. What are you thinking?"
"I think you are right. Mommy is strong. She never cries, even when she gets hurt, so I think she will be okay. Maybe we should wait a couple of days."
"I agree. Why don't we see what happens a week from now."
"Okay, Rachie."
"Marley, are you okay with that?" I ask. She nods. I look at Kurt for the first time in this whole conversation. He is overcome with emotion and is trying to stay as quiet as he can. He is looking at Mom and whispering something. "I am going to find the doctor and let her know what we have decided."
A week later to the day, nothing has changed. Beth hasn't left Mom's side, except at night when we force her to go home and sleep. I have not been sleeping. I stay up every night, praying, asking for my Mom to come back to me. Kurt left a day after our decision, but comes to visit every day. The Glee club members that are still in town have come to visit as well.
Today is the day we decided on making our decision. Right now they are doing some more tests to see if anything has changed. Beth, Marley and I are waiting in Dr. Stevens' office, waiting for her to come back. She arrives within a few moments.
"Girls, nothing has changed. Shelby is still brain dead. Do you want to go through with your decision?" I look over at Beth who is not clinging to Marley, crying. She looks over at me and nods. I still do not understand how a six year old is so strong.
"Yes. We do. Can we say goodbye first?"
"I wouldn't have it any other way. First I need you to sign the paperwork, and then I will give you some time. Just let me know when you are ready."
"Okay thank you." I sign all of the required paperwork then we are heading to Mom's room.
"Rachel. I want to go first. I don't want to be in there when she dies."
"Are you sure Beth?"
"Yes. Marley can you come with me?"
Marley nods and they walk into the room. I stand by the door. I want to hear what is being said.
After a couple of minutes, I hear Marley start. "Shelbs, I don't even know where to begin. Ever since my mom and I had the fight that led to me finding you, my life has improved. I will forever cherish the memories I have with you and Bethie. I have enjoyed the talks and stories. I am so glad that you and Rachel were able to talk before all of this happened because I know that is all you have wanted for the longest time. I will never be able to express what you mean to me. You were like my mom. I love you Shelby. So so much." I hear a sob escape her and it breaks my heart. I am guess Beth is about to say what she wants, I lean in closer to hear what she has to say.
"Mommy. I know that you are not my real mom, and I am okay with that. I am not sure if I want to know my real mom because, you are that to me. They will never be able to take your place. They will not know how to care for me like you did." She hiccups through her sobs. "How will they know how to brush my hair to keep it from knotting up? Will they check my nose boogies? Will they check my ears and eyes like you did? Will they know how to make my favorite meal, French toast? I don't want another mommy. I want you. I love you mommy." Beth cries for a little while longer. When they come out of the room, both of their eyes are puffy and red. Beth runs into my arms and squeezes me tightly.
"Hey, Hey Kiddo. She is going to be in such a better place. I know it. She will be looking down on you at all times. Laughing when you do something funny, and smiling when you make her proud. Never forget her, okay baby? Never. She loved you more than anything in this world."
"I know, Rachie. I love you."
"I love you too, kiddo." Beth and Marley walk away, so I guess it means that it is my turn to say the goodbyes. I sit down on the edge of her bed and take in her face for the last time. The amazing jaw lines, the perfect skin. God what I would give to see her eyes again. I immediately begin to cry. I just sit here and cry for about 15 minutes before I finally calm down enough to talk.
"Mom, oh how it is so unfair. I will never get to call you that again. This started out as a fun get together with my friends from high school and now I am telling you goodbye, for the last time. Part of me wonders if this was meant to happen. Maybe I was just not meant to have a relationship with you, I mean we have tried so many times but something always happens. I was hoping that this time would be different. I needed you all those years ago, at the piano when we sang "Poker Face", I just didn't think you needed me and I didn't want to be a burden. I knew that you were what I needed and I hoped that you would eventually find out you needed me too. Now that you have, I have to pull the plug and take your life. It is so not fair. I have always needed you, Mom. I love you so much and it is killing me to do this. I wish you would have gotten better. I know you can hear us, I know you heard us cry and beg and plead for you to come back to us this past week. Why didn't you? Why won't you do it now? Prove all of the doctors wrong, come back to us. Please, Mommy, just come back." I watch her for any sign of life and when there isn't one. I lean down and place a kiss on her lips. I lie down and cuddle with her for the first and last time in my life. I take in her scent, which is amazing she still has her own smell, considering she has been in a hospital bed for a week. I get up and kiss her one last time. "I love you, mom. So much." I walk out of the room to find Dr. Stevens. I let Marley and Beth know that it is about to happen and I ask Beth if she is sure she doesn't want to be there. She shakes her head and buries it in Marley's neck.
We go back into the room. They turn off all of the machines and unhook them from my mother's lifeless body, all except for the heart monitor. I guess they have to do this so that they can get a time of death for the death certificate. I keep my eyes on the heart rate as it begins to drop. Everyone has left the room, except the nurse. She is standing in the door, giving me my privacy. I reach over and grab my mom's hand. I don't want her to go, alone. Pretty quickly the heart rate drops to zero and there is a flat line on the screen. I sob hysterically. She is gone. We make up and less than an hour later, I never get the chance to talk to her again. I sit there knelt over her body crying. It is over.