A/N: Well, I've reached the four more chapters point! Which means three more after this one. AHHH!

WARNINGS: YxYY, Mpreg, Mature Themes, Language

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh! or any of the characters involved in this fic.

Four months, one week, and two days.

Sharp crimson eyes remained frozen on the ceiling; a withered breath released in the sigh that escaped the weary man's lips.

It had been exactly four months, one week, and two days since he and Yugi had lost their son. Over four months since Yugi had said a single word to anyone. Yami constantly found himself back in that hospital room, Yugi's last words echoing beyond belief in the corridors of his mind: "Just, just get out." Yugi didn't want him then, and he didn't want him now. Yugi's wish had been granted through his own actions. How did everything go so wrong?

Yami lay in his pitch-black, empty bedroom, hands folded delicately behind his pounding head. He now hated having free time to himself; it gave cause for him to retreat into his mind, something he had no reason to appreciate anymore. As far as all logic went, he had somehow failed Yugi; somehow failed them both. It was now his fault that Yugi refused to speak and completely shut himself off from the outside world, his fault that his light didn't want him, his fault that Yugi had lost his spirit altogether. Over the past few months, Yami became a mere bystander to Yugi; forced to watch as his aibou's soul seemed to dissipate from his body; he was completely unable to do anything about it. Despite all his efforts to assure Yugi that he wasn't facing this alone, nothing was getting through to the boy. He couldn't even remember the last time he had touched him without it causing Yugi to quiver and sharply turn away. Yami was eerily reminded of Ryou's state after he lost his father; Yugi was mirroring it almost perfectly. He had lost weight drastically after the horrid event months ago; he barely ate, and seemed to throw up most of which was given to him. It was almost as if he were purposely trying to waste away…

And through all this, Yami realized he was losing himself. 'Maybe it was true after all', he reminded himself with a snort. Without Yugi's light to keep him pure, he was falling, losing himself to the darkness. Yugi's cheery laugh was no longer present in the house, his once bright eyes no longer spoke worlds of appreciated emotion to Yami, and his soft skin was now untouchable. Yami could feel himself growing cold; he was losing Yugi by the second, and he knew it. Losing Yugi's love…it was quite possible that he had lost it already, and that thought alone was near driving him insane.

Fortunately, he still had a job at KaibaCorp despite all that had happened, and he had never been more grateful for it. He was thankful every morning to leave the sight of Yugi's locked bedroom door even if it were only for a short while. Because it wasn't a dream, it was real. That locked door mocked Yami to no end; it further reminded him of how the last several months had gone completely wrong. This was not supposed to happen…this was not to be their end…

When Yugi's miscarriage became top news, letters and phone calls flooded into the Muto residence. Several people sent their condolences; others sent hateful and downright rude letters, while a couple of orphanages and surrogate mothers offered beautiful chances for them to adopt a child since they had lost theirs. Yami immediately considered the idea of adopting a child in the hopes that it would bring Yugi back, but he feared the child would just end up being completely ignored by his light like they had all been, and if Yugi's lack of love was the most horrible phenomenon in Yami's life right now, he just couldn't condone that life to a child.

His mind traveled over to Yugi's friends and grandfather. Tristan and Tea were both over occasionally when they had the time, wanting nothing more than to bring Yugi out of his despair, but Yugi could never bring himself to utter so much as a single word to them. Yugi's grandfather was horribly lost. He too watched as Yugi emotionally destroyed himself, and like Yami, became nothing but an onlooker. Yugi paid no heed to him, and Solomon had no idea to what to do. In a terrifying outburst, he had actually blamed Yami once again; deliberately telling him that if he had just gone on to the afterlife like he was meant to, none of this would have ever happened, and Yugi wouldn't be suffering right now. And the sad thing was, Yami almost believed him. However, the ordeal ended with Solomon in tears, overly apologizing to Yami, and sobbing "I just don't know what to do..." over and over again. "I'm losing him," he said. Yami was all too familiar with the feeling. And Joey…Yami found himself sighing heavily as he thought of the blonde. It was possible that Joey was handling everything in the oddest way. He was over at the Game Shop for a few hours almost every single day to "talk" to Yugi, but of course, Yugi would have nothing to do with him. So Joey would just basically come over to sit outside Yugi's locked bedroom door for hours on end. When Yami questioned him about it, all he could mutter was that he had to show Yugi that he was there for him; he had to make it up to Yugi. Like Yami, Joey put all responsibility on himself, even though there was nothing he could possibly be at fault for.

It all made Yami realize just how much the well-being of the group depended on Yugi's bright, smiling, positive face and demeanor. Without him, they were all falling…

Each and every one of them.

Yami sat up slowly on the bed and moved his legs over to the edge of it. He contemplated for a bit, then stood and proceeded to get ready for the day. It was a few good hours before his shift began, but he had to get out. Had to escape from this nightmare, even if only for a short while. Before he left downstairs he knocked on Yugi's door, as had become custom, then gave a frustrated chuckle as he wondered why he continued to do this everyday. The boy on the other side was no longer Yugi; it was a ghost living on the second story of the home.

"Yugi, I'm heading to work now. I'll be back later okay?"

Yami found himself walking away before he even finished the statement. All hope was lost.

The door remained locked.

Yugi sat at his desk, knees to his chest, one arm wrapped around them, the other doodling on a piece of paper. He winced as the sunlight beat down through his window; it looked like it was going to be another nice summer's day, something he didn't deserve to cherish. He got up to close the blinds then returned to his previous position.

His ears picked up the sound of Yami calling out to him, but his mind refused to pay any attention. Yami. He had failed him, failed everyone. He didn't deserve Yami, that much was certain, but he lacked the strength to try and convince Yami as much. He didn't deserve his family and friends; he had lost any chance of having his own family. He didn't deserve any of the children that had been offered to him and Yami through adoption. He didn't deserve any of it. So he just went on, returning much to his former self. He felt himself retreating to the life he had before Yami, before his friends, before even Grandpa…a life where pain and abuse and loneliness ran free. A life where he fought to keep any real sense of sanity. A life where he wasn't wanted. That was the life he deserved.

Yugi gasped slightly as his grip went slack, and the pencil slipped from his hands and fell into the tiny space between his desk and nightstand. He rolled his eyes and reached down to skillfully retrieve his pencil, but his breath caught in his throat as his index finger nudged the familiar edge of a forgotten black diary. He immediately snatched his hand away, almost as if it were just burned, and sat up sharply in his seat, frozen, breathing hard through his nose, struggling with the urge to pick it up. The boy looked up in desperation; if he picked up that diary, even if it were only for a moment, he would return to the past life that was hidden within its pages; a life he knew he did not deserve. Glimpses of a life that was near-perfection at one point, glimpses of all the hopes and dreams he had before the…

Yugi bit his lip and snatched his pencil up, and after a second aimed to return to his doodling. He tried to focus on what he was drawing. Tried to focus on visual aspects of the nightmare he had had over and over since the horrific occurrence. There was always so much blood…

He cried out in frustration as the diary consumed his mind once more, and this time he deliberately threw his pencil across the room. Yugi took several deep breaths and finally snatched his diary off of the floor, and after a second tore open the cover, tears already pouring down his face. Hello Diary…

Just reading the words forced Yugi to bite his fist in an attempt to control the sobs that threatened to tear through his body. He scanned everything carefully, almost as if he were scrutinizing every detail. It took him over two hours to make it to his very last entry. By this time his gorgeous eyes were bloodshot, and his head throbbed with every word he read. He finally made his way to the end of the entry, and reached to shut the notebook. His eyes briefly glanced over the date as he thought of how his life turned to hell mere days after this entry.

No, wait…

This was the day his very soul had shattered. Yugi's eyes froze to the page as thick memories suddenly crashed so violently through him, and he grabbed his head and cried out in an attempt to make them stop. He saw Yami leaving the Game Shop, white hair and chocolate brown eyes, Joey's wide grin as he left Yugi to purchase the crib…

Someone else's hands on his stomach; a warm smile, a horrible pain…

Yugi's eyes snapped open, as the boy's face came into focus.

Ryou.

He shook his head, softly at first, than more frantically…

Ryou, Ryou, Ryou, Ryou, Ryou.

The name rang through his head; so much so that it almost appeared highlighted to him in his own handwriting. Yugi tore through his diary once again, searching for a very specific entry. He found Ryou's name once again after a few minutes, his violet eyes quickly scanning the entry's contents. When he was finished, Yugi looked back at the date and ran a few calculations in his head.

A sharp gasp tore through the room, and the boy froze in his seat, eyes staring into the white wall before him. He trembled as he looked around his room in contemplation. After a good minute, he rushed across the room to retrieve his maltreated pencil, and tore open the diary to an empty page. He scrawled and scrawled and scrawled, tears splattering onto his words, causing them to smudge slightly. When he was finished he clutched his head with both hands, thinking heavily about what he had to do. He finally stood up and wiped away his tears, his stare hauntingly unfocused as he quickly dressed and left for the hallway. As he passed Yami's room he had an eerie out-of-body feeling: once again the world around him seemed to slow down with each step he took. Yugi gave a slight smile when he finally reached the head of the stairs; he would find what he needed on the lower level.

Yami opened the front door, cursing slightly as he shook the water off of himself; what had started off as a nice, sunny day ended with clouds, thunder, and rain, which drizzled down the street. Realizing he wasn't going to get any more dry, he threw his briefcase on the couch and proceeded upstairs. He passed Solomon's open room with slight alarm, until he remembered that he had left with Hawkins for a few days. "Good for him," he muttered. Yami knew he himself was desperate for an everyday break from their current life, and it was about time Solomon took one too.

He looked straight ahead but didn't see Joey; he must have had to work tonight. Yami mechanically stepped towards his room, stopping only to take a glance at Yugi's locked bedroom door.

Yami froze.

Yugi's door was open.

"Yugi?" Yami called out, his heart immediately pounding in his chest. This could be what he had been waiting for all this time…

"Yugi?" he asked again, his eyes lighting up with a brilliant hope that had been lost over the last few months.

Yami knew how horribly this could backfire but he decided to take the chance. He stepped over to Yugi's doorway, tears starting to prick at his eyes, but his smile dropped instantly as he scanned the abandoned room. Yugi wasn't there.

'Yugi's probably just in the restroom,' he thought with a disappointed sigh. He looked across the hall, but the bathroom door was wide open. Yugi wasn't downstairs though…

Yami's mind started to race; Yugi didn't want anything to do with anyone, so where could he possibly be? He quickly stepped into Yugi's room, stopping suddenly as memories of a simpler time hit him smack dab in the face. This is where Yugi lived while Yami still inhabited the puzzle. And it tremendously depressed Yami that the mess leading into Duelist Kingdom was now seen as a simpler time. But he couldn't worry about that now.

Yami was about to turn and check his own room, until a familiar sight met his eyes. Even though it was opened, he could instantly tell it was Yugi's little black notebook; his diary. Without even thinking, Yami approached it; an indescribable force drew him to glance at the open pages. He was shocked to find that the entry was addressed to him. He quickly snatched it up, his breaths becoming heavier, as he eyes tore up the words…

Yami's eyebrows scrunched together in a desperate confusion throughout the letter. None of it made any sense to him...how could...He finished and just stood looking ahead, mind racing like mad. What in the hell was it that Yugi was seeing and he himself wasn't?

And the notebook crashed to the floor, falling through the Egyptian's quivering fingers.

Yami's eyes froze to the white walls of Yugi's room, and he watched in horror as the white swirled and formed spikes. Demented spiky white hair…

At that moment, everything came together. Yami furiously cried out for not guessing it sooner.

When did Yugi leave?

Yami snapped open the blinds, hurriedly eyeing outside. It was dark already. Yugi could possibly have been gone for hours…

As he cursed and raced from the room, he swore he could hear Bakura's distinct low laugh echo through his mind.

The notebook lay rejected on the floor; open perfectly to Yugi's letter...

Yami,

I've got to make this quick. I'm sorry I failed us. I'm sorry I gave up. I'm sorry I lost myself. You know, my father always used to tell me I was worthless; just one big waste of space. And you know what? He was right. I've pretty much proven that. But I think this might be my one chance to give my soul any sort of redemption. Ryou, Yami. He knows something, or he did something to me…I don't know, I don't know, I don't know…but it hit me like a bullet today. Now I know it was against your wishes, but I somehow ran into him twice; once around the time I conceived, and again the day I…you know. Coincidence? Maybe, but I'm going to find out for sure. Yami, I'm going after him. I don't know what's going to happen, but I need answers. And if Ryou knows something…he's going to tell me.

I'm sorry that you're barely finding this now. I honestly don't know what's going to happen. But this is something I have to do on my own. This is my last chance to right my wrong. And just in case this all goes wrong, and this proves to be my final mistake…tell everyone I'm sorry. So, so sorry.