I hope you all liked Julie enough to feel sorry for Sam, else I didn't do my job well ;-)

Songs used: Letting the Cables Sleep by Bush (personal fav) and Grace by Kate Havnevik (can't believe I'm saying this but thank Grey's for Havnevik)

Chapter 9: Fault

It was a beautiful day out when they put Julie in her final resting place, there were many people, many Sam didn't know, many he didn't know she knew. He stood upfront together with Bruno, his wife and little Felix, behind them were Christina, Andy, Katie, Chris and Dean. Though Lena was now home and released from hospital, she wasn't fit enough to attend the funeral. Dean kept a close eye on his brother, he was wondering where the tears were, he hadn't seen Sam cry after the events in the woods, not one tear. He worried, his behaviours weren't like Sam at all. He didn't try and make a deal, he didn't go OCD, he didn't went on a killing spree, he did nothing. On the one hand Dean was grateful that he hadn't had to stop his brother from doing anything stupid but on the other he was scared shitless that the person in front of him was no longer his brother.

When the funeral was over Sam got up and walked to his car in a straight line, ignoring the attendees who wanted to offer him their condolences, ignoring his friends who worried, ignoring his brother who tried to get through to him. There was one thing he couldn't ignore, when he almost reached his car he heard a scared little voice behind him.

'Uncle Sam?' it said.

Sam turned around and saw little Felix run up to him and jump in his arms. Sam was taken aback, he didn't know what to do. And the moment he looked in those big blue eyes he saw Julie's, her little nephew resembled her in so many ways that it pained Sam just to hold him.

'Auntie Julie in heaven now?' the little boy asked.

'Yes,' Sam could barely utter the word as he knew it was a blatant lie, he didn't know where she was.

Sam saw Bruno and swiftly handed over the kid, he got into the car driving off at a high speed, getting away from the cemetery, from everything and everyone.

Dean saw Sam's Volvo taking off, he decided that Sam just needed some time and that he should go home and take care of his girl. He said his goodbyes to their friends, who all send their well-wishes with Dean back to Lena.

**********

When he entered the house all was quiet and dark, though it was past 1pm, Lena hadn't bothered to get up. He dropped his keys by the door and silently made his way upstairs. The image of the room was depressing, he saw Lena in a foetal position on the bed with the curtains still drawn and four orange containers on her nightstand.

'Hi, I'm back?' he said.

'Hi,' she said drowsy, 'how was it?'

'Horrible, Julie was very loved, which only made it more painful,' Dean replied with a hoarse voice.

'Okay,' she replied, closing her eyes, praying to fall asleep again.

Dean took off his jacket and shoes and threw the tie in the corner, he went to the bed, lying next to her, enveloping the frail, harmed body into his arms, he hugged her tight. But she resisted and got up, closing the bathroom door behind her. She couldn't trust herself, she knew that she wouldn't be able to hold it together when Dean was being so supportive. She hadn't allowed anyone to touch her since the nurse in the hospital. The only things going through her mind were that it was her fault, over and over again. She had been stupid and ignorant thinking they would be able to handle a dark angel, and now she had lost her friend because of it. She leaned against the door, wretched with guilt she put her head between her legs trying to breathe again.

You in the dark

You in the pain

You on the run

Living a hell

Living your ghost

Living your end

Never seem to get in the place that I belong

Dont wanna lose the time

Lose the time to come

Three weeks later Lena had found the strength to get up, shower and get dressed everyday before 2pm. Dean still felt like he was living with a ghost, she was just a shimmer from the person she once was. He had tried to bring Katie and Christina over but they had been just as heart-broken as she was. Katie, Chris and Lena had tried to continue their Thursday night dinners routine but when they saw the empty seat across from Katie, they had all made excuses about deadlines and sick children needing their mommy. The truth was none of them were ready to pick up their normal lives like nothing had happened, none of them were even ready to face each other knowing that their fourth partner in crime wouldn't show up that night or any other.

Dean had left Sam alone for a while thinking he needed the time, he tried to call a couple of times but Sam wouldn't answer and when he drove by the house it all seemed quiet and even deserted. After three weeks he figured that it was enough, Julie wouldn't have wanted everyone to stop with their lives, she would want them to move on, she would want to see them happy, that's who she was. She always put others before herself, she was happy when everyone around her was happy, and most importantly when Sam was happy.

'How's Sam?' Lena suddenly asked out of the blue, like she still knew what Dean was thinking. It was the first thing she said to Dean without any incentive from him and he was a bit relieved.

'Don't know, he doesn't pick up his phone and he doesn't answer the door,' Dean said with desperation in his voice, 'honestly I don't know what to do,'

'You should get over there, he needs you.' She said getting up putting her bowl in the dishwasher.

'Yeah I will,'

'Don't take no for an answer, break in if you have to.' She added.

Dean got up and he tried to hug her.

'No Dean please don't, I'm not in the mood.' But Dean didn't budge.

'What? Can't I hug my girlfriend for once?' He said smelling her hair.

'Not now okay,'

Dean just tightened his grip.

'What are you doing?' She said feeling her tears well up and getting weak in the knees.

'I'm breaking in,' he said not loosening his hold.

But she found a way to wiggle out of his iron man clutch and she made her way upstairs.

'Your publisher called again,' Dean sighed in defeat looking at her walking away from him.

She didn't stop and kept walking upstairs, ignoring Dean and the rest of the world.

**********

After the encounter with Felix, Sam had gone back to the house that they once shared. He had packed his bag and had taken one last look at the place he had called home before getting into his car and driving off, never expecting to return again.

Everything in that house had reminded him of a time where they were both happy and content. He couldn't handle the constant reminders of what he had lost and he had driven like a madman up north, stopping at every crossroad he knew, but no demon showed. He was lost he saw no more place for him in this world, a world where he knew she didn't existed. He scoured every occult library on his way to nowhere and he had even been reading Greek necromancy. But it was no use, he didn't want to go down that road.

The scenery changed gradually as he passed the different states, he had decided to take the road along the coast because Julie loved the ocean so much, passing Rhode Island, Massachusetts, Maine until he eventually reached the sign he was longing to see; "Welcome to Canada".

He didn't quite understand why he went up there, he thought he was running away from his memories but in fact he was seeking ways to get closer to her. He kept driving until he entered St-Leonard. Julie had grown up there and for some reason they hadn't been back since the horrible events of nearly three years ago. He drove down Rue Dupont and when he saw the Daigle's Motel his heart just stopped. He hadn't expected such an erratic feeling but he honestly couldn't breath by the sight of it. He turned into the parking lot and decided to get a room here.

He walked into the reception and to his own surprise it was the same desk clerk as before who greeted him.

'Mr Tyler?' he asked.

'What?' Sam asked confused.

'Oh I'm sorry, thought I'd recognized you. Didn't you check in here with a young girl about a while ago, boy it must have been what?' the clerk said.

'Nearly three years ago. Yeah,'

'I knew it!' he said triumphantly, 'I never forget a face! So how are ya mate, where's the chick? She ditched you?'

'Something like that,' Sam said biting his tongue trying not to rip him apart for calling her fowl.

'So a queen huh?'

'Actually is it possible to get room 14, for old time's sake?'

'Euhm,' the clerk said going through his booking papers, 'yeah sure it's available.'

Sam put down a wad of cash stunning the old man.

'Make sure I'm not disturbed.' He added, walking away.

When Sam stood in front of that door he couldn't remember what he was doing here. Julie and him had spent their first night together here. He remembered pushing her up against this very door, a dirty red door, and unlocking it without breaking the kiss. Sam opened the door and saw that everything was still in the same place, he didn't know what he was expecting, maybe he was hoping to see Julie on the bed waiting for him like she did back then. Sam locked the door behind him and left the drapes closed. He went over to the bed trying to find some evidence that they were once here, that they were once happy, that she once existed. He found it on the carpet. In a moment of passion she had thrown his shirt in the direction of an opened bottle of Merlot, the red wine stains were still there. He didn't know how to feel should he be happy or just really grossed out.

Sam had rented the room for over a month and he pretty much stayed there, sleeping most of the time. But once in a while he went out. He went to find Julie's old house, he remembered that there was not much left after the fire but it still hurt like hell that they had put down a soulless bungalow, plain and boring, there was no evidence of her. He passed by La Bonne Assiette, the first restaurant he had taken her too but the place had changed and he found no evidence of her.

Everything in that little town remembered him of her but the town had forgotten.

I'm on my knees

only memories

are left for me to hold

Don't know how

but Ill get by

Slowly pull myself together

There's no escape

So keep me safe

This feels so unreal

Sam had been camped out in the room for two weeks undisturbed, he had been drinking, passing out and repeating the process. He had been staring at the crack in the ceiling for hours and hours, not thinking about anything but that crack, he was slowly slipping into oblivion when he heard a harsh knock on the door.

'Leave!' he yelled.

'Roomservice, I got fresh towels!' the other side yelled.

'Go away!'

Sam heard his lock being picked and saw a dark shade enter.

'Are you deaf, I don't need towels just leave,' he said squinting his eyes against the light.

Dean's heart broke when he saw the state his brother was in.

'It's me Sam,' he said.

Sam got up, a bit wobbly on his feet, Dean rushed to his side to support his brother, who only pushed him off.

'What are you doing here?' Sam said walking over to the small table opening a bottle of Walker Red Label.

'What d'ya think? Bit early for whiskey don't you think?'

'Why? What time is it?'

'It's about 10am,'

'Sounds about right to me,' he replied taking a swig from the bottle.

Dean went over to his brother and flicked on a small light by the bed.

'Sam, it's time for you to come home,'

'I don't have a home.' He exclaimed swinging the bottle violently.

Dean got the bottle out of his hand but Sam didn't let go without a struggle.

'C'mon man, let me help you,' Dean said laying a hand on his brother's shoulder.

'I don't need your help, I'm fine, just go,' Sam said shaking of the hand, turning his back on Dean.

'No you're not, and you can't be!' he yelled.

Sam turned around and anger was flaming in his eyes.

'How do you know? How the fuck do you know how I feel!'

'I think I can imagine,'

'Yeah!? You think! I seriously doubt that,' Sam was now using his menacing height to intimidate his brother but Dean had lived with his height for over two decades so he was not impressed.

'You just lost the love of your life, you are wretched inside, you don't know if you can live on, you don't know what to do know and more so you have know idea where Julie is, am I close?!' Dean yelled.

'You forgot that I put her there, she is dead because of me, because of what I do!' Sam yelled at his brother biting back the tears welling up in his eyes for the first time since the woods.

'It's not your fault!'

'Yes it is,' Sam broke down, he no longer had the strength to stand on his feet as he heard himself say the words, he fell to his knees in despair, 'she's gone because of me, it should've been me! It should've been me.'

Dean rushed over to his brother as he saw him crumble to the floor, he held him trying to calm him down but the tears streaking his face were not to be stopped.

'She was innocent, she had nothing to do with all of this,'

'It's not your fault, it was an accident, we didn't know, no one knew.'

Sam was devastated and for the first time since the events in the woods he showed it, he cried in his brother's arms while Dean kept repeating that it wasn't his fault. Dean also broken with the loss of his friend cried silently with his brother. He couldn't answer the tough questions, he didn't know how to go on either. Trying to soothe his brother he rocked him back and forth.

Come what may

I wont fade away

But I know I might change

Nothing comes easily

Fill this empty space

Nothing is like it was

Turn my grief to grace

Nothing comes easily

Where do I begin?

Nothing can bring me peace

Ive lost everything

I just want to feel your embrace

Dean rocked his little brother hoping he would finally come to terms with his grief, but he was mistaken Sam got more and more angry.

'Yeah, you're right it wasn't my fault,' he suddenly said, 'I tried to stop the foolishness but you wanted to carry on! It's your fault! Julie didn't deserve to die, not like that! And we're still no step closer than we were before, only now we know the thing is invincible. Now tell me how are you gonna make this alright!?' Sam yelled and cried in anger.

Dean couldn't answer, he was taken aback by the truth Sam had spoken. The words penetrated him to his very core and they hurt more than being dragged around by a wendigo. His own brother resented him. Dean let his brother go and took two paces back.

'I'm sorry, Sam, I miss her too, you're right, it was my fault.'

Hearing the confirmation from Dean only made Sam even more livid, he stood up and he held up his hand and without even touching Dean he pinned him to the wall.

Sam lowered his hand, breathing heavily, Dean dropped to the floor, neither of them understood what just happened. Sam felt the power rushing through his veins and a splitting headache made its entrance.

He fell back on the bed and he looked at his hands, he saw Dean get up and making his way over but he froze in his step.

'Dean?' He asked. But he didn't answer or move, he was frozen silent.

'We need to talk Sam,' a husky voice said from behind him.

'Castiel, what are you doing here?'

'I'm here to give you some answers.'

'Yeah?' Sam said sarcastically, 'boy I really want to know what you have got to say. Where were you three weeks ago? I prayed!'

'Sam, you're hurting, I don't understand your human feelings but I've been told that sarcasm is a defence system. Are you afraid of me?'

'Just spit it out Cas, why are you here?'

'I'm here about Julie,'

Sam's heart fluttered as he got up to his feet looking Castiel in the eyes, a spark of hope crossed his mind, silently he prayed for a miracle.

'Can you bring her back?' he asked his voice drenched anticipation.

'Not exactly, that's not why I'm here, she is lost for heaven you know that,'

'Then go away,' Sam sighed in despair.

'You have to know something Sam, you have to know who she was,'

'I know who she was, she was my best friend, my fiancée, my world. More than that she was a great person, she wouldn't hurt a fly and she was smacked down by evil,'

'She was even more than that. She was a chosen one,'

'What the fuck does that mean! I'm so sick of this supernatural crap, she was just an innocent girl who didn't deserve to go, not like that,'

Castiel walked over to Sam's side of the bed as he pulled up a chair and took a seat.

'Julie was chosen to become one of us, she was to become an Angel of the Lord, she wasn't just a feeble human, she was a powerful girl with only good in her, she was destined to become one of us,'

'What? Why was she chosen?'

'We don't know that, there are different kinds of Angels Sam, you have the ones who have been up there for all eternity and those who start out as humans and eventually die and evolve to become one, those are the chosen ones.'

'Why was the dark angel after her?'

'We can't kill dark angels because we don't recognize them, we see them as humans, dark angels can't kill us, so they try to kill those who are to become one, they try to prevent our galleon from expanding, we try and do the same, we kill those humans who are evil inside. We knew about Allie but we didn't know about Julie until just know.'

'What do you mean,' Sam sniffed.

'When did you loose your powers Sam?' Castiel asked.

'I don't know, right after we prevented the apocalypse and Ruby died,'

'That's what we thought but couldn't find a logical explanation for it, now we know. You lost your powers the moment you kissed Julie, her innate goodness cancelled out your bad blood. You were yin and yang, meant for each other and perfectly balanced in harmony.' Sam now remembered the electricity that had been in their first kiss.

'You're saying that I'm evil and she is good and that we cancelled each other out into neutral?' Sam asked not believing the crap Cas was feeding him.

'Yes Sam, something like that, your love was on a more divine level than on a human level.'

'So now what am I supposed to do?' he asked turning his head towards Castiel his eyes pleading for help.

'Despite all odds and your destiny you have proved to be a great asset to our side. Both you and your brother have done more and gone further than we would have dared to ask. I have been given the power to give you a choice.'

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