Title: Don't Fear the Reaper
#: 04. Happy Again
Author: Lucifer Rosemaunt

Summary: A fic about death - as in, everyone you care about dies; this is not an exaggeration. A fic wherein the Chagny family is of intense interest to a soul reaper.
Fandom: Phantom of the Opera
Pairing(s): Erik/Raoul
Warning(s): AU, reaper!Erik
Word Count: 3,345
Rating: T

A/N: Almost couldn't post tonight. And it wasn't a one-shot for the Halloween special (although this entire fic is technically part of that series). It's been a long day. Happy Halloween.
Story note: Raoul is growing up so quickly. D:

o.o.o.o

Raoul is eighteen when he finally decides to inform Philippe of his decision to join the navy.

He has spent almost two years in secret just considering it, weighing the pros and cons of leaving his home, leaving his family, and potentially leaving his reaper.

In Raoul's mind, Erik is his reaper because according to the contract, there is no other that would or could have him. Chagny is Erik's territory, but Raoul has every intention of going out into the open sea, to the ocean and whatever lies beyond it. He knows that does not negate the contract, but he is beginning to think that he does not want his body to be physically here when he dies because his soul will always belong to this province.

Erik will not like the idea – the reaper is overly protective, as is his brother – and therefore, he does not inform him of his plans until the moment the words come out in a conversation with his brother. He would have preferred to tell Erik separately, but Raoul is not so lucky as to have him not present when he tells Philippe. The reaper will be fine though; Raoul is not worried for his sake. His soul may belong to Erik, but nothing of the reaper belongs to Raoul.

He worries more for his brother. After their parents' deaths, Philippe has never allowed himself to become close to anyone else save for his family. Raoul thinks he is afraid to lose anyone else important in his life. He has seen this fear, a certain terror in Philippe's eyes whenever he thinks he has lost any of his siblings. Any accidents, injuries or illnesses bring such instant panic before his brother can control himself.

Even during their sisters' weddings, Philippe had been forced to keep that terror hidden beneath a smile because to him, their departure from their house and his watchful eye had been as good as losing them completely. Raoul knows his sisters have seen the look too because they send weekly missives to Philippe keeping him up-to-date about their health and what they have been doing.

Raoul has sworn to himself never to put that terror in Philippe's eyes. He has done it too many times already; he knows he is actually the origins of it. However, he cannot live how he wants and not hurt him at the same time. His brother cannot coddle him any longer and Raoul has long since been reaching the point where he cannot remain silent about his discontent.

His life has become the same house, the same routines, a repetition of wake-eat-sleep with variations that may as well be nothing. He has begun to hate the mornings and the evenings and every hour in between. He thinks he may be going mad because each day is the same as the last and he can no longer tell one day from the next. He is not simply losing days; he is losing months and years of his life to monotony.

Each passing moment, the world grows smaller. He had once lived in the great country of France with its vast countrysides and cosmopolitan cities, with roads that lead to oceans and seas and other countries. Then, his life became the province and even if the roads were smaller, there were its growing towns and farmland expanses. That soon became the city with its well-worn streets, familiar vendors, and people, which became the estate with its lawn, fountain and fences, to the house with its framed windows, to his room with its walls, and down to his bed. Every morning he wakes up and wants to crawl out of his own skin because even that has grown too tight for him.

He loves his brother. He does, but soon, he knows he will start to despise him for keeping him close and for doing so without even once seeing how it kills him.

So, when Philippe begins to explain how well he is doing with their finances, the words grow within his mind. He promises them all, even their sisters who have been married off to well-to-do gentlemen who love them, that they will never want for money, for anything. And, that is the trigger that allows Raoul to ignore the fact that Erik is in the room with them. It makes it acceptable to say words that he knows he can never take back because if he does, he will never be able to convince them otherwise.

Raoul tells him that he wants for an occupation. He wants for adventure, purpose, and freedom, and when Philippe is silent for long moments because he does not understand the importance of what he is saying, Raoul tells him plainly.

"I wish to join the navy."

Immediately after, he tries not to regret saying anything because he sees that brief flash of terror cross Philippe's expression. Instead, he speaks again quickly, hoping to erase whatever images his brother is seeing of his 'death.'

"I love you dearly but I cannot remain here any longer. Not as we are." He corrects himself, "Not as I am."

The terror may be gone – Raoul thinks it is simply better hidden – but the betrayal is just as easy to see. He quickly steels himself for the arduous conversation that lies before him. He buries the need to be outright defiant because there are only so many ways he can tell Philippe that this is what he wants. It will only make this harder for both of them if he argues as well. There has to be angry words and outrage and even a little betrayal on his brother's part because the fear is too strong and needs an outlet. Raoul can do that for his brother.

After all, Philippe and Erik take it as well as he expects. That is to say, very poorly. He has mentally prepared himself for two years for this moment. It is the first time his brother and the reaper who owns his soul are in accord about anything. They are adamantly against the idea and spend the next hour arguing, coaxing, bribing – all his brother – and glaring with clear disapproval – all Erik – at him, hoping he will reconsider.

"I do not care if we have relations who have been in the navy." Philippe repeats and curses their uncle under his breath. He paces the sitting room while Raoul watches as he attempts to wear down the carpet through the repetitive motion. "It is unsafe. Why?" He does not even wait for Raoul to respond. "Why can you not choose a different occupation? Perhaps… perhaps…"

While Philippe flounders for an occupation he would be willing to allow his brother to take, Raoul spares a glance at Erik who stands in the far corner of the room near the fireplace. He is preoccupied with staring at the flames. His glaring had stopped sometime after Philippe began his tirade about the need for more businessmen in France and their necessity in making their country flourish. Truthfully, Raoul had tuned out most of what he had been saying at the time and his brother had not much need for an attentive audience in order to orate.

When Erik refuses to look at him, Raoul's gaze wanders to the portraits of his parents that are on the wall beside him. He quickly turns his attention back to Philippe.

"A patron for the arts. You love the opera," Philippe nearly shouts when he realizes that there is a thread to follow with this occupation. "Do not deny those starving artists you love so dearly would not need a benefactor."

Raoul understands Philippe's rather intense need to come up with every reason he can to convince him not to join the navy, but there is only so much he can say. Raoul has given him his chance and he remains certain that he will join the navy.

"But this is what I want," he interrupts anything else Philippe might have said.

"You do not know what you want. You are only…" He stops to calculate just how old his younger brother is.

"I am eighteen, brother," Raoul supplies. "Eighteen."

"You are eighteen?" his brother bemoans but then adds firmly, "Only eighteen. You are far too young for war."

"For sea and for country," Raoul states proudly, "one can never be too young." He tries to ignore Erik, but that statement garners a twitch from him even though he is still focused on the fireplace.

"Is this… Is this the demon's work?" Philippe is grasping at anything. They both know it. Erik has never tried to influence his actions even when he was younger and had the most suspect of ideas - not to say that Raoul could not tell when he disapproved because he could. He still can. Disapproval is an expression Erik wears often, but the reaper has never told him he could not do something. Raoul could not say the same for Philippe, and both of them had his best interests in mind.

"No." Raoul cannot help but roll his eyes. "He rather wants me to live as well," he adds, "as something other than an officer."

Philippe frowns and Raoul knows better than to mention that Erik is in the room with them now. His brother has spent years, almost the entirety of his life trying to summon Erik, certain that his status as first born son would be a sufficient enough bargaining tool. The reaper has never appeared to him. Raoul is not certain whether it is because this is a rule amongst reapers or if he simply seeks to irritate him. There has never been any love lost between the two. Raoul has only tried once to talk to Erik about Philippe's offer, telling him never to accept it, but Erik simply gazed at him unimpressed and said that had never been an option.

Philippe eventually stops pacing and eyes the side cart that carries the aged brandy he drinks when he is too stressed to deal with an issue. He refuses to drink now because Raoul is too important to postpone and think about later. That alone is a telling sign; Raoul has won this battle. He can tell his brother is already planning. He can see the letter he will send to their aunt and the precautions he will take in regards to his welfare. There will be talks to every officer that he will serve under and money spent to keep an extra eye on him. All of it will embarrass him terribly, but it is a price he is willing to pay. It means he will be able to leave.

Even though the conversation is far from over, Philippe gives him a hug tight enough to hurt his ribs and then sends him off to do with his night as he pleases. Instead of relaxing as Raoul sorely wants to do, he goes to his room and braces himself for what he knows to be his second lecture for the night.

Once he closes the door behind him, he is met with a calm voice, one that makes him flinch because it means Erik is furious. Raoul is sure he has never seen him this angry, all menacing silence, narrowed eyes, and crossed arms.

On the edge of Raoul's bed, he sits outwardly still, legs crossed, hands resting on his thighs, and his back straight. Raoul knows it has taken the entirety of Philippe's rather one-sided argument downstairs for him to be this calm. "You did not inform me of your intentions."

He wants to say it was his business alone, but that is not true. He has known all along that his life is not his own. He faintly recalls his father explaining it, remembers his mother holding him close at the time and how her warmth surrounded him. He may not have understood the grave words and impact on his life, but he remembers how their fear and anxiety made him cling to his mother. If he tries hard, he can call to mind plans made to void a contract, to steal or rewrite it, and a hundred other plans attempted and failed. It is not until he is five that any of what they told him makes sense. Erik never appeared to him until after his parents' deaths, and the words were suddenly less a story when Philippe had explained it to him again. Then, it was his brother who began to make plans of his own to be attempted and fail.

"I needed to be certain," he says instead, walking to stand by his dresser. He is too intent on watching Erik's reactions to bother with getting his nightclothes. He knows the reaper, has had years to cultivate an understanding of him.

Those years may have been a detriment as well though. Erik is in almost all of Raoul's memories, and it is only a recent development that he has begun to resent his presence, resent his parents' deaths, and resent the soul that is not his. Raoul has been angry, has been it for so long that he does not know how to feel anymore without the ever-present anger.

"Certain of what?" Erik uncrosses his legs only to cross them again. His foot begins to shake, but he stills the motion immediately and Raoul realizes suddenly that he is sitting only because he refuses to pace like Philippe had done downstairs. Erik is angry with him and is doing a poor job of hiding it.

The real problem with Raoul's own anger is that he does not have a focus for it as Erik does. He cannot be angry about the contract because he has no control over his soul when he dies regardless of what the contract may or may not say. Even in regards to his parents' deaths, he is more sorrowful than angry about; he is sad for all the moments he can never share with them, but an accident is uncontrollable by nature. He cannot even be truly angry with Erik for being who he is because the reaper is the closest person to him save his family, perhaps even closer than they are since Raoul tells him everything. There is no secret between them. Except, Raoul has made that false with this desire to leave.

He refuses to feel guilty for that though. "I had to be certain that I wanted this enough," he tells him. "That I could do this." Raoul simply wants something for himself, some thought, some piece of his day, anything that he can call his own.

He wants to be happy again because not having a focus does not stop him from being angry. Some days, he spends in a rage. An ache within him becomes frenzied and agonizing, and the desire to hit and hurt overwhelms him because he is necessarily mad at everything and nothing at the same time. The combination of anger and the resulting guilt he feels for it builds upon each other until he is furious and the person he hates the most is himself. He thinks, just maybe, that if he can get away from them and from this place that the anger will go away.

"Can you really?" Erik stands and Raoul busies himself with his nightly routine because as sure as he is of this decision, he knows any explanation besides the truth will only make Erik press harder and Raoul simply cannot tell him he needs to leave. Adventure is nice and freedom promising, but he cannot say he simply wants to stop hating himself for being so angry.

He does not think he has the right to such anger. Philippe is angry enough for the both of them. They both suffer for something their father had thought right at the time, but it is Philippe who is determined to undo it. His brother has taken the burden of his father's choice as his own, and Raoul does not want to fall into the same trap. He has tried to tell him that it is not his responsibility, but his brother is deaf to anything he has to say about the contract.

Erik approaches him and does not wait for an answer. He is intentionally looming over him and Raoul pointedly ignores him. He manages well enough until Erik speaks.

"I forbid it."

Then, Raoul turns slowly to face him. He has expected many things from Erik, but outright forbidding it has never been a consideration. He thinks he hears false for a moment but the reaper is still staring at him expectantly, as though now that it has been forbidden, Raoul will simply stop desiring to leave.

And Raoul's anger finds a target that actually does not make him feel guilty for it because Erik has lied to him his entire life by saying those three words. Erik has told him many a time that he may live his life as he sees fit. Now that he has finally chosen something for himself, Erik has the gall to refuse him.

"You forbid it?" He repeats. Erik has always been on his side. He has been there and to hear this outright… he had known Erik would dislike this decision. It is the reason behind his secrecy but this reaction is somehow worse than his expectations.

"I do."

Raoul's mind goes blank because he cannot think with all the emotions jumbling within him, but quickly, all the incredulity, hurt, and defiance translates into one thing. Anger.

"Is that also in contract somewhere?" Raoul yells and takes a step toward Erik that effectively ruins his looming. "Does it list exactly what is and is not allowed? Does it say what I am allowed to eat in the morning or how long I should sleep? How long my hair should be?" Erik looks like he wants to respond, but Raoul does not even care. "Perhaps it tells me who I should fall in love with? What I should want? Oh, I know. Perhaps it tells me that I should only associate with you and ignore your faults" – and a distant part of him knows he is going too far, but he cannot stop himself from speaking – "and it must be because the contract that I bother to speak with you. It is all the contract. Why else would I like you? What else about you is worthwhile?"

As the last word falls from his lips, so too does the anger. His chest is heaving from his outburst and it is the first time in his life that Erik looks surprised and speechless. Neither of them knows what to do besides stare at each other, and Raoul wants to take it all back immediately because he does feel guilt even if Erik has lied to him. Raoul knows he will take his last words the worst way possible, and he wants to explain that he meant none of it, wants to apologize because it is not Erik's fault that he has been angry, confused, and hurt for so long.

He takes a step forward, reaching out to him when they are both startled because the door shudders under the weight of a body running into it. The handle turns but the door does not open. Raoul immediately knows it is his brother before he even speaks because he has told him repeatedly not to barge into his room.

"Raoul!" Philippe yells and he sounds breathless. "Are you…?"

He interrupts and suddenly he cannot look Erik in the eye. "Everything is fine!" Raoul turns from him, clutching the nightshirt in his hands.

The doorknob turns again and he can hear Philippe bang his head against the door. There is a heavy pause before his brother quietly says, "Good night."

Erik is gone before the words are even spoken.

Raoul is eighteen and he learns that leaving everyone and everything behind feels a lot like running away from happiness.

o.o.o.o

End chapter 04

A/N: Don't forget to R/R (Read and Review)!
Chapter Review: That is such an inappropriate title for this chapter. :,( Too much feels.