Synopsis:
After a forced marriage filled with violence, Bella escapes from Edward with their unborn child. Almost four years later, Edward has found her and their daughter and he refuses to let them go.
"It is in the nature of the human being to seek a justification for his actions."
- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn
Chapter 8
Hymn for the Missing
The weekend Edward spent with Bella and Alexis was both the best and worst of his life. Best, because after four years of searching, he finally got to spend time with the woman he loved and their child. Worst, because being that close to her and not being able to touch her, to have her, to tell her how much he loved her, was agonizing. But he couldn't complain, because he knew that it was so much more than he could have asked for, and so much more than he deserved.
After leaving them Sunday night, Edward returned to his hotel. Walking into his suite, he pulled his phone out of his pocket to power it back on. To make sure he wasn't disturbed while he spent time with Bella and Alexis, he made sure to turn it off every time he was with them. As he powered it on, he waited impatiently for it to load up. Even though it had only been a few minutes since he'd left them and security was posted outside their home, Edward still wasn't comfortable leaving them there. Especially after what happened with James. Edward dared not think what might have happened if he hadn't been there to stop James from harming Bella. In a way, he was relieved that James had fired her. It saved him from having to talk her out of leaving such a deplorable job.
When his phone finally loaded up, he saw that he had numerous missed calls and voice messages. A few were from his assistant, but the majority of them were from Esme.
His mother had been calling his phone continuously throughout the weekend. Always leaving voicemails begging him to not let Bella cut her out of Alexis's life, pleading with him to take Alexis away from Bella. Edward had avoided all her calls, preferring to handle Esme later rather than sooner.
He couldn't understand why his mother was so intent on taking Alexis from Bella. He knew that Bella and Esme hadn't gotten along at all while Bella was with him in Chicago, but he never understood why. Taking Alexis from Bella would not only destroy Bella, it would hurt Alexis as well. He'd only spent two days with them, but Edward could already see the incredible bond between mother and daughter. Alexis was Bella's world.
It was strange for Edward to see Bella as a mother. Throughout the time he'd known her, she'd never expressed any desire to have children, and she was never at ease around kids. Bella had never been one to fall at baby's feet and cuddle them like most women did. Jessica and Angela actually use to joke that Bella didn't have a maternal bone in her body. But that was then. Now, as Edward watched her, he could see how easily Bella slipped into the role of "mommy." He knew it could not have been an easy task for her, running away from Chicago without anything to help her, but somehow she'd made it.
After he listened to the last message, Edward threw the phone onto the bed. Walking into the living room, he pulled out a bottle of Jack from the mini-fridge. While pouring himself a glass, he thought more of what he'd wanted to say to Bella that night.
He couldn't deny that it hurt when she'd compared him to James, even going as far as to saying he was worse than the bastard. In a way, Edward knew he was. James hadn't ripped her away from her home. James hadn't abused her like he had.
But despite all of that, Edward still wanted a future with her. Throughout the past two days, he'd wanted to tell her why he was there. He'd wanted to explain to her that despite what she thought, he'd only come to Forks to help her, not hurt her. He could feel the contempt whenever he was around Bella. It rolled off of her in waves. He could almost see the defensive wall that she'd put up. She hid Alexis behind it as well. Edward couldn't blame her for putting it up. After all he'd done to her, she had every right not to trust him. To not want anything to do with him. The accusation in her eyes was another reminder of all he'd done to her. It seemed to ring loud and clear. It screamed at him that he didn't deserve her. That he wasn't worthy of her. But he still couldn't leave them. Not just because living without Bella was an impossibility, but also because he didn't want to be a dead beat dad who had no role in their kid's life.
Picking up the glass and walking to the window, Edward looked out into the night sky. The sky was its usual grey, but for the first time since he'd been there, he could actually see the moon. Tomorrow he had promised to take Alexis to the toy store. He knew she was excited for it. She'd been talking about it all weekend. At the memory of his promise, he thoughts took another turn.
Alexis.
Another reason why he desperately needed to work things out with Bella or at least talk to her. He knew that as much as she hated him, she couldn't deny that Alexis wanted Edward in her life. No matter how hard Bella might try, she would never be able to fully expel Edward from Alexis's life. Not while Alexis was clinging so tightly to him.
Edward still couldn't wrap his head around the fact that he and Bella were parents. That somehow during the twisted affair that had been their relationship, they'd created this tiny being. As much as it pained him to remember that his marriage to Bella had only been part of a ploy for her to get away from him, and not based on love as he'd thought, he was glad that at least one good thing came out of it.
When he woke the next day, it was with the firm determination that he would talk to Bella. That somehow they would work it out in such a way that they could both be in Alexis life. Since he'd been there, they'd never really had a chance to talk. They were either yelling at each other, accusing each other, or Alexis was there, preventing them from really saying what they wanted. Today, he wanted them to move forward from that. He needed her to believe him.
Rolling out of bed, Edward picked up his phone from where he'd tossed it on the bed the previous night. He dialled his assistant, Leah's, number.
"Good day, Mr. Cullen," she said when she'd answered. "How may I help you?"
"I need you to contact Jenks and have him do something for me," Edward said.
"Yes, sir. What is it?"
"Jenks is supposed to still have a copy of Bella's records. Have him send it to you, and in it you will see some outstanding fees due in Bella's house and maintenance. I want you to pay them off with my account." He knew Bella would not be happy when she found out, but he hoped that she would see it as a friendly gesture on his part.
"Yes, sir." He heard the scratch of pen against paper as Leah took down what he'd said. "Is there anything else?"
He considered for a moment having Leah set up a separate account for Bella so that he would be able to wire money into it for her. After all, it was now his duty to take care of his daughter financially but doing that would only irritate Bella more. He had to take baby steps with her. Tuning his attention back to Leah, he said, "No, that's it."
"Okay. Several clients have been trying to reach you. I told them you were out of town. Also Esme says she is unable to reach you at all. Would you like me to have her call you now?" Leah asked.
Edward cringed slightly. "No, that's alright. I'll call her later. Just be sure to get onto Jenks."
"Yes, sir."
After hanging up his phone, Edward looked at the clock on the side table. It was almost seven-thirty. He didn't know when Bella and Alexis would leave to go to school, but he wanted to talk to Bella before they did.
Throwing on some clothes and rushing downstairs, Edward drove to Bella's house. Before he bent the corner onto their street, he stopped along side his security team's car.
Dean rolled down the window.
"Any problems?" Edward asked, even though he already knew the answer.
"No, everything is clear. Ethan and Michael are watching the house from the trees.
Edward nodded. "When they leave, don't follow," he told them.
"Are you sure?" Dean asked skeptically. Dean was head of his security in Chicago, and he knew better than anyone the tight leash that Edward had had Bella on when she was with them.
Edward thought for a moment. As much as he hated leaving Bella and Alexis unprotected, he knew having her followed would not go over well with Bella. It was one of the many things she'd hated while she'd been with him in Chicago. Maybe not having her tailed would be a step in the right direction with her.
"Yes. Pick up Ethan and Michael. You all can take off for the day. I'll call you if I need anything."
Dean nodded and then he and the rest of the team drove off.
When Edward pulled up outside their house, Bella and Alexis were already in her truck getting ready to leave. Eyeing the truck, Edward thought of another reason why he wanted to work things out with her. The truck was a death march on wheels. Surely she would let him at least by her a safer car, right? Baby steps, he reminded himself.
As he approached the driver's side, Edward saw Bella's eyes narrow at the sight of him. For a second, he wondered if she was considering hitting him with her truck.
He waited until she rolled down her window to speak, and then after greeting Alexis, he turned to Bella.
"What time do you finish class?" he asked. Looking at her, Edward wanted so badly to reach out and touch her. He had to fight to keep his hands at his side.
"Eleven, why?"
"I wanted to talk to you privately. Can I meet you here then?" For a moment, he was worried she would say no.
"Okay," she said.
He held back a sigh of relief as he waved them off one last time. Edward watched them turn the corner, disappearing from his sight. He was already hating the time he would be away from them.
Edward didn't know what to do with himself while he waited for Bella to return. He considered calling Esme, but he really didn't want to have his mother plead with him to kidnap his daughter. He began to wonder if being with Bella would mean cutting his mother out of his life. After a few more minutes of this train of thought, Edward realised Forks was very low on the entertainment scale, so instead, he went back to his hotel.
Edward spent the next few hours catching up on emails and finally answering business calls. Anything to keep his mind off the future conversation he would have with Bella. He knew it would take a lot of pleading to convince her. Even then, he knew she would never trust him. He just hoped they could compromise somehow. He tried not to think what would happen if Bella said no. The last time she'd told him no, he had her kidnapped and locked in a basement. He'd promised himself that he would never hurt her again, and he had to keep that promise. But the odds were already against him. He had already broken that promise in the past.
Edward could briefly tell that something was bothering Bella, but his joy of having her officially his stopped him from asking her. It wasn't until after the wedding, as they made their way to the reception, that he really paid attention. It was only then that he realised her smile looked forced, and now and again he would see sadness in her eyes. For a brief moment, he feared that she regretted marrying him. He didn't know what he would do if she denied him again.
"Are you okay?" he asked her, as they made their way to the other side of the house where the reception would be held. He held her tightly around her waist as they walked. By then, most of the other guests had gone ahead of them.
"Yeah," she said. Despite her small smile, Edward knew something was wrong.
Pausing, he wrapped his arms more fully around her waist and pressed his lips to her forehead.
"You can tell me," he whispered. "Whatever it is."
She was about to open her mouth to reply when the sound of someone clearing their throat stopped her.
"So you two couldn't wait until the honeymoon?" Alice said as she walked past them, Jasper's hand in hers. She winked at Bella as she passed them. Esme was right behind them- she paused to talk to them. Edward felt Bella's body tense in his arms.
He looked down at her, confused. He could see fear and sadness reflected in her eyes. He wondered if Alice was the reason for her fear. Before he could voice his question, Esme said, "Congratulations. I hope you both will be very happy."
"Thank you," Bella said softly. Edward saw Esme give Bella a calculating look before she continued to the reception.
When she was gone, Edward turned to Bella again. "You were saying?" he asked.
"Nevermind," Bella said, taking his hand in hers.
The sound of the band starting again stopped him from saying anything. Whatever it was, he supposed it could wait until later when they were alone.
The reception passed smoothly. Edward had to give Rosalie her props. She really did know how to plan a wedding and reception. The reception was held under a large tent on the other side of the house. Small chandeliers hung from bars above them. The same flowers that decorated the wedding and were in Bella's bouquet sat in light purple vases on the table.
As guests continued to congratulate them, Bella seemed to be a bit more at ease. Edward didn't know if it was because she was growing calmer or because she was becoming a better actress.
When it was time for the bride and groom to have their first dance, Edward could feel Bella's reluctance as he pulled her to the middle of the dance floor. He knew why. Bella hated dancing.
"I'll fall," she said, looking at the floor as if it was a lava pit.
"Don't worry. I'll catch you," he said, smiling at the sheer horror on her face. As they began, she was still reluctant, but after a few minutes of Edward leading, she seemed to grow more confident. Within minutes she was laughing with him. It wasn't until then that Edward realised how much he missed that sound.
The rest of the night passed without event, and Edward was glad when they finally entered the waiting SUV that would take them to the airport. He hadn't told Bella where he had planned for their honeymoon, and she'd never asked.
As they were driven by security to the airport, Bella was silent as she sat next to Edward. She stared out into the fading sun.
Entwining his fingers with hers, he pressed his lips softly to the back of her hand. She smiled at him in response, and this time, it seemed genuine.
"I love you," he said.
Squeezing his hand slightly, she said, "I love you too."
The private plane was already set and waiting for them when they arrived at the airport. Bella seemed slightly anxious as she boarded it with Edward right behind her. When they were seated and the attendant closed the door, Bella's expression turned to panic.
"What's wrong?" Edward asked, his hand still entwined with hers.
"I've never flown before," she admitted.
"Really?" he asked, surprised.
She nodded. Brushing his fingers softly across her cheek, he whispered, "It will be okay."
He didn't know if he was referring to the plane ride or speaking of the new life they were starting together. Either way, Bella seemed to hear a double meaning in his words.
She looked at the floor as she spoke.
"Promise me something," she whispered.
Putting his hand under her chin, he raised her face until she was looking at him.
"Anything," Edward swore. He didn't know what she wanted. All he knew was that he wanted her to be happy.
"Promise me that you'll never hurt me again."
"I promise," he said without hesitation.
She nodded, seeming to have believed him. The tension in her body went away as they took off.
But it hadn't even been a week after that night that Edward had broken his promise.
When the clock on the side table said 9:45am, Edward left the room, not wanting to spend any more time over- thinking the situation. It was now or never for him. Time and time again he'd hurt Bella in the past. This time, he was determined to not make the same mistake.
But when he pulled up at her house, he knew something was wrong. Alexis's tricycle lay mangled and broken on the front yard, and the front door was hanging off its hinges. Graffiti covered the walls. Edward knew Bella shouldn't be home yet, but that didn't stop him from running inside just in case she'd returned home early. As he checked each room, signs of destruction was everywhere. Glass and broken furniture littered the floor. When he went into Bella's room, he saw her school books were ripped, and the room was trashed. In Alexis's room, the bed was turned over, and the mattress was ripped. Her bear lay on the floor, slightly covered by pieces of the mattress. Stepping over glass, Edward picked it up. It was in the same condition he'd seen it last. Whoever had trashed the house must have decided the bear was in horrible condition already and saw no need to make it worse.
As Edward walked through the house, he saw that whoever had wrecked it, had done it with a vengeance. It saddened him to see that something Bella had built herself, that was important to her, was torn down by some heartless person. It wasn't until he was surveying the living room, that the pieces started falling together.
James.
He couldn't believe that asshole had gone as far as to wreck Bella's house after what happened the night before. Wasn't firing her enough? Then Edward's thoughts turned fearful.
He pulled out his phone and dialed Dean again. Frantic, he didn't even wait for a greeting before he spoke. "I need you and the rest of the team to drive down to Bella's school to see if she's still there. Call me back as soon as you know." Then he hung up.
The possibility of Bella coming home early and running into James there was great. He needed to make sure that her house was the only thing James had harmed. When his phone rang again, it didn't have time to make it to the second ring before Edward answered it.
"Yes?"
"Her truck is still in the parking lot. We were able to check her class without her knowing, and she is still there," Dean said.
Edward breathed a sigh of relief. She was okay. He knew Bella would be James's main target, and he wouldn't harm Alexis.
"Okay. I need you all to come back to the house," Edward said. He considered having them wait outside Bella's school until she was finished, but he was sure James wouldn't try anything in broad daylight.
After Dean's confirmation that they would, Edward hung up. Walking outside, Edward was still gripping Alexis's bear in his hand. He couldn't understand the appeal that such a ratty toy could have for Alexis, but he knew the bear meant a lot to her so he didn't want to leave it.
When security arrived, he had them search the town for James. There was no way Edward was going to let him get away with what he'd done.
Bella would be returning from school soon, so Edward chose to stay at the house and wait for her. He was still holding the bear in his hand while he waited.
Five minutes after the hour of eleven passed ...
Ten minutes after the hour of eleven passed ...
Thirty, before Edward's worry began to grow.
When it was almost twelve o'clock, and she still hadn't shown, Edward's fear got the better of him. Thoughts of what might have happened to her ran through his head, each one as graphic as the last. Running to his car, Edward didn't even realise that he still had Alexis's bear clutched in his hand. Laying it on the seat next to him, he drove to Bella's school, ignoring all red lights and speed limits as he barreled down Forks highway.
When he pulled up outside her school, he saw that her truck was still in the parking lot. Now he was confused. Bella wouldn't have left her truck there. Did she leave with a friend? He knew that was a possibility, but seeing as she didn't go to the house, he figured she went into town instead.
But after driving through the main parts of town numerous times Edward still wasn't able to find any sign of Bella. During the time of his search, Dean informed them that they hadn't been able to find James. It seemed he had run after he was finished wrecking Bella's house, anticipating Edward would go after him.
As Edward turned onto another road, he spotted Sam coming out of a garage. Pulling over, Edward got out of the car and went to him. Sam spotted him just as Edward was walking towards him.
Edward could see Sam watching his rented Audi with deep interest.
"Hey, Sam," Edward said as he approached.
"Hey," Sam replied uncertainly. "How can I help you?"
"Have you seen Bella today?" Edward asked, making sure to keep his voice calm. He didn't want to alert Sam to the fact that Bella was missing.
"Yeah, I saw her and Alexis about an hour ago. She asked to borrow my car."
Edward froze, and he had to stop himself from grabbing Sam and shaking him down for information. Out of all the possibilities Edward had thought of for Bella being missing, never had he contemplated that she'd ran.
"Did she say where she was going?" he asked.
Now Sam looked at him confused. "Yes. She said she had an interview to get to in Oregon. Didn't she tell you?"
"She might have mentioned it," Edward said, fighting the rage he felt at the realisation of what had happened. "Well, thanks."
Turning, Edward went into his car and drove off. He gripped the steering wheel tightly, fighting the urge to scream. He couldn't believe Bella had run again. Hadn't he proven in the past two days that he didn't want to hurt her? Now, not only had she ran, she'd also taken Alexis with her. His promise of not hurting her was thrown out of the window as he dialed Dean's number.
As soon as Dean picked up, Edward began yelling. "Bella ran again. I don't care what you have to do. I want you to find her and bring her back here. I don't care if you have to drag her back. Call me as soon as you have any sign of her." Slamming the phone shut, he sped off towards the hotel.
After parking his car, Edward unconsciously grabbed Alexis's bear from the passenger seat. Ignoring all the overzealous hotel staff, he stalked to his room. Edward barely had closed the door of his room before he grabbed one of the flower vases off the side table and threw it against the far wall. It shattered on impact, littering the carpet with tiny shards of glass. After throwing the bear onto the bed, he picked up the small table the vase had been sitting on and threw it against the wall, not caring if hotel staff was alerted to the sound or not. The rage and monster inside of him was too large for him to be bothered with petty hotel policies.
He had known there was a possibility that Bella would run when he'd first arrived at Forks. It was why he always had security outside her house. He just thought that he'd proven himself over the weekend that he had changed. There were numerous times throughout the past two days that he could have forced her back to Chicago, but he'd never considered it. Now, he didn't care. He'd given her a chance to work things out, but she didn't want to. At that moment, he didn't care if he had to drag her kicking and screaming back with him. He would not give her another opportunity to run from him again.
The sound of his phone ringing stopped him from grabbing the lamp at the side of his bed. Without checking the caller I.D, Edward picked up his phone in anger.
"What?" he yelled, not caring who it was.
"Edward?" Esme's confused voice came through the phone.
Edward dug his fingers into his temple. He was not ready to deal with his mother.
"I'm busy now," he told her.
"I know," she said. "I just wanted to know how everything was going? How is Alexis? Have you met her yet?"
"Yes, I met her," Edward sighed, his rage momentarily forgotten at the reminder of his daughter. "But only for a moment."
"A moment? Why? What happened?" Esme asked worriedly.
Edward contemplated for a moment whether or not to tell his mother. Figuring she'd find out anyway, he told her the truth.
"Bella took Alexis and ran from Forks this morning," he said.
He did not anticipate Esme's reaction.
"She ran?" Esme asked angrily. "I told you this would happen! Why didn't you just drag them back here?"
"I didn't want to do that. I wanted to work this out with Bella, not dictate her life again."
"Forget Bella. What about Alexis? Why didn't you take her?"
"I can't do that to her," Edward said. Despite his anger towards her, he wouldn't rip mother and daughter away from each other.
"Why not?" Esme argued. "She did to you. Clearly she doesn't even care enough to let you be in Alexis's life. Why should you let her? Please Edward. You have to find her."
"I am trying." He could feel all of his energy being drained the more he talked with his mother.
"And when you find them? What then? Are you going to let Bella still be able to take Alexis and run?" Esme demanded. "Why is it that out of all my daughters-in-law, the one who can have a child is the one that hates me? Take her to court if you have to, Edward. You know if you do she won't stand a chance. You can pull enough strings so you can be given full custody, and you wouldn't even have to raise her."
"What do you mean?"
"I can take care of her if you don't want to."
Edward scoffed. "Yeah, right. Like I'll let Carlisle anywhere near my daughter. Look, I have to go."
Without waiting for a goodbye, he hung up. A few seconds later a beep on his phone alerted him to a new text message. As he suspected, it was from Esme.
"Don't let her take Alexis again. I love you. Call me when you find her."
Edward didn't bother to reply. Talking to Esme had quelled his rage a little, but that just gave room for the hurt he felt to take its place. He thought that they'd been making progress. He thought that he'd proven to her that he had changed, but apparently it hadn't been enough. He didn't know what she wanted from him. Edward took her running as confirmation that his hopes of being with her of her own accord, weren't going to come true. The only way he could ever be with Bella again was to force her to stay with him. But even then he knew that she still wouldn't be with him the way he wanted her to. She would always hate him. Always despise him for what he'd done and what he was planning to do.
But the memory of how much she'd hated him in the past, how much she had despised him for what he'd done to her, was still fresh in his mind. It helped subdue his anger a little bit more. It helped him to think clearly. He didn't want to hurt her again like he'd done in Chicago. He didn't want to look into her eyes and see the pain reflected in them. But he wanted her so badly. Looking at the bear still lying on the bed where he'd thrown it, Edward was reminded of the other victim in this turmoil. It wasn't just Bella that he had to think of. Alexis would be dragged into the confusion as well. Despite her mother's dismay, Alexis still looked at him with happiness. Putting his hands on her mother would change that. It had changed the way he saw his own father. It had made him hate Carlisle from an early age. Would that happen to Alexis? Would she hate him in return? Just the thought of that made his heart ache.
The sound of his phone ringing again pulled him out of his thoughts. This time he did check the caller I.D.
"What is it, Dean?" he asked, glad for the interruption.
"We found them."
I think I've said this already, but thank you all for the amazing response. I'm officially overwhelmed and forever grateful. Thank you to each and every one of you who have reviewed, story alerted and favourited.
This was a toughy to write. Angryward scares me a bit. Reviews make my day, so if you have a moment, don't forget to share your thoughts. It seems most readers are really torn about Edward. Even I am.
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Special thanks to Project Team Beta, BelleDuJour and Lulu M for proof-reading