Synopsis:
After a forced marriage filled with violence, Bella escapes from Edward with their unborn child. Almost four years later, Edward has found her and their daughter and he refuses to let them go.
"He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man."
Dr. Johnson
Chapter 12
Mockingbird
"You don't have to use it, but I just wanted to give you the option. I know I took everything from you in the past, but I want to help you get it back," Edward said. Then taking his hand off, he walked out of the kitchen before she could respond.
Walking out onto the front porch, Edward found Alexis waiting patiently beside her bike. He was really beginning to enjoy these moments with her, and he would forever be grateful to Bella for allowing him the chance— even though he didn't deserve it.
Sitting down next to her, Edward welcomed the distraction gladly. He wasn't sure if Bella would use the information he'd given her. He knew perfectly well just how stubborn Bella could be. It was one of her attributes that he both loved and despised.
"Are you ready?" he asked Alexis, as he helped her into her guards.
In her arms, Edward saw that she was holding her bear. It never failed to astound him the attachment Alexis had to the ratty toy.
"Yeah," Alexis said. "Where's Mommy?"
"Umm, she's busy right now, but I'm sure she'll be out in a few."
As Edward watched, Alexis began strapping the bear onto the carrier situated just above the back wheel on the bike. The bear looked as though one bump would knock it to pieces. The thread that held the arms to the torso was beginning to give way, and what was once a smile on its face now looked like a grimace.
"Are you sure you don't want me to buy you a new bear?" Edward asked. "This one is getting a bit old and worn out."
Alexis's eyes widened and confusion crossed her face. "He's not worn out." She began to gently pat the bear's fur. "Mommy says he's just well-loved."
Edward couldn't help the chuckle he gave at her response.
"Well-loved," he muttered quietly to himself. That was putting it mildly.
Alexis had already gotten the hang of riding the bike by herself; it was just time with Edward that she really wanted, so while she rode back and forth in the driveway, Edward sat and watched her. It was quiet inside the house, but from his spot, Edward could see Bella through the front window. Her back was to him so he couldn't see her face. She seemed to sense his gaze because after a few seconds, she walked deeper into the house, effectively cutting off his view.
After almost an hour of waiting, Bella finally emerged. Even though her eyes appeared dry, there was still slight redness around her eyes. Edward knew she'd been crying. That meant only one thing; she had contacted Renee.
She didn't say anything as she sat next to him. They watched for a moment as Alexis, who had grown bored of riding, began feeding her bear flowers she found along the driveway. Edward tried to be patient as he waited for her to speak, but the agitation of not knowing got to him, so he was the first one to break the silence.
"Are you okay?" he asked. Lately it was hard to tell how Bella was feeling. She had become such an expert at hiding her emotions and hardening herself that Edward never really knew what she was going through. This day was no different.
The only thing that indicated just a tiny bit how she was feeling was her eyes. Bella's brown eyes remained Edward's closest companion. Through them, he could almost see all the depths and corners of her soul. No matter how hard she tried to harden herself on the outside, her eyes would always betray her.
Right now they indicated there was a deep grief inside of her, one that he knew he was responsible for. True to her nature, she gave him a sardonic look.
"Okay," he said, not wanting to irritate her. Edward knew that unless Bella wanted to talk, no amount of prodding and poking would get her to open up.
"She's coming to Forks," Bella said after a moment.
Even though it should have, that didn't really surprise Edward. Of course Renee would want to see her daughter. It made Edward wonder just how much Bella had told her.
Bella seemed to know the next question Edward would ask, because she answered without him even having to voice it.
"I didn't tell her everything, because she said I didn't have to." Even though she was speaking to him, Bella's gaze remained focused on Alexis. "She sounded so sad, and she said I didn't have to tell her if I didn't want to, so I chose not to."
When she turned to him, Edward could see the intensity in her eyes. "I don't want her to know what happened between us. It would break her heart. She only knows you and I were married and that we have a daughter."
Bella paused, and when she continued, there was a hint of a smile on her face. "For some strange reason, the marriage part didn't surprise her, but she was shocked when I told her we had a daughter. I think it's because she, just like everyone else, never saw me as a mother." Bella shrugged. "Even though she was shocked, she sounded really excited to meet Alexis."
"I'm sure she'll love her," Edward said. "You've done an amazing job raising her."
"I guess," Bella replied, uncertainty in her voice.
"It's true. Alexis is happy and healthy, and all of that is because of you. Because somehow you managed to raise her, despite all the obstacles in your way."
Edward meant every word he said, and he wished she'd let him help her more, but he knew that after four years of standing on her own, it would take Bella a while to learn to accept help.
Bella didn't comment on what Edward said, and he could still see the uncertainty in her eyes.
"When is she flying in?" he asked, changing the subject.
"I'm not sure. She's going to try and book a flight. She said she wants to move to Forks."
"How do you feel about that?"
Bella raised her eyebrows at him, and for a moment, Edward couldn't understand why. Then realisation dawned on him. He sounded like a therapist, or more precisely, his therapist. They both laughed at the irony of that. It felt good to laugh with Bella, and Edward was glad that despite it all, they could at least share a chuckle.
"She doesn't have to fly commercial. I can send my plane to fly her out here," Edward offered after a moment. Bella grimaced slightly.
"Will you ever stop offering help?"
"No," Edward answered honestly.
No matter how many times his hand slammed against the steering wheel, Edward couldn't dispel the rage inside of him. Not even the stings from where her fingers had scratched his skin could deter his mind from the anger. Where the depth of his anger lay, he didn't know. Part of it was that she'd lied to him. That the numerous times she'd told him she loved him was nothing more than a ploy to escape from him. Another part was the realisation that he'd blown it. He knew that any chance he had of being with Bella, of truly being with her of her own accord, was thrown down the drain when he'd put his hands on her.
Driving through a more populated area of Chicago, Edward didn't know where he was going; all he knew was he needed to get as far away from her as possible. He hoped if he drove far and long enough, he could banish the memory of the hurt and pain in her eyes.
Pulling over to the side of the road, Edward cut off the engine and then buried his head in his hands. Pressing his fingertips into his cuts, he tried to make the pain enough so that it overrode everything else, but no matter how hard he tried, no pain could ever replace the agony he felt. Not even slamming his head against the steering wheel could ease it. He felt like someone had cut a hole into his chest using a rusty knife, and in a way, someone had. Bella had shattered his world, or his delusion as he now saw, with a few simple words.
Tugging at the necktie he still had on, Edward began to feel claustrophobic at the confines of the car. Climbing quickly out, he took a few desperate breaths, hoping the night air could clear his mind a bit, but his attempts were in vain. No matter how much he tried, he knew he would never outrun the pain. It would hurt him for the rest of his life.
Walking away from his car, Edward continued along the empty street. It was late, and the only source of light came from overhead lamps. He walked until he came up to a bar at one of the street corners. Without even thinking about it, he walked in, desperately hoping alcohol would numb the pain.
Maybe it was the injuries or the look of despair on his face that showed he was not to be messed with, but whatever it was, the bartender behind the counter never asked for I.D. when Edward asked for his drink. Much to Edward's dismay, not even hard liquor could numb him.
It was time to face the truth. She'd lied. She never loved him. The one person, whose love mattered and meant the most to him, had lied. The truth of it was pressing down on him hard, and he wished if he drank enough, he could destroy the part of him where his feelings were kept.
He didn't want to feel anymore. He didn't want to have to face this pain ever again. He wanted to harden himself to numb himself, to it all, so that's what he did. As he consumed drink after drink, Edward worked to harden himself against the pain. He loved her, but he didn't want to love her anymore. He didn't want to feel this burning agony anymore.
It was long after midnight when Edward finally decided to call it a night. By then, he was able to achieve his goal. The pain had eased. Part of it he guessed was due to the number of drinks he'd had. Knowing he was in no state to drive, he called security to pick him up.
By the time they pulled up outside the estate, the house was dark, and he was glad. He didn't want another confrontation with Bella. After stumbling into the house, Edward made his way to the living room. It was dark, and the house was still unfamiliar, so he bumped into almost everything. As he walked, he could hear the crunch of glass beneath his feet. Walking to the massive window, Edward saw the only source of light came from a full moon overhead. It shone through the window and illuminated his piano.
Sitting on the bench, Edward passed his fingers gently over the keys. He hadn't played for a while, and whilst the alcohol was helpful with drowning his sorrows, he knew music was better.
Very quietly, Edward began playing. His fingers passed effortlessly over each key with a type of certainty that only came from years of practice. The tune was a somber one. It spoke of heartbreak, pain and loss. Whereas the alcohol had numbed the emotions, music brought each one to the surface. Just for that moment, Edward allowed himself to unharden. He allowed himself to feel what he'd been pushing aside all night. The feelings were staggering.
Unable to take it anymore, he slammed the cover over the keys and made his way to the bedroom. Bella was fast asleep. As he pulled off his clothes and changed into sleepwear, Edward drank in each part of her body. Her long brown hair fell softly over her shoulders.
When he lay down next to her, Edward couldn't help but reach out and touch her. She was facing him, and even in the darkness, he could see bruises beginning to form on her once gentle skin. He gently stroked her hair and cheek as he remembered easier times from just that morning when he'd been blissfully ignorant.
Pressing his lips gently to her forehead, he whispered, "I will always love you."
He knew he would always love her. Even if she hated him. Even if she never loved him. Even if he hardened himself to her. He would always love her, but he couldn't take this pain anymore. He preferred to harden himself around her. It was the only way to love her and accept that she would never love him in return.
He knew he should probably let her go. After all, she had said she would never be happy with him, but he was too selfish to do that. He would never let her go. He refused to be without her. He would rather face her anger one thousand times than be without her for one second.
When Edward woke the next morning, his head was pounding. The effects of alcohol made themselves known, front and center, so for a few blissful moments, he forget all that had happened. Then, all too soon, the memories rushed to him, and he sat up in bed. Looking next to him, he saw the bed was empty. Bella was gone. His headache was forgotten as he jumped out of bed and ran, in a panic, into the hallway.
"Mrs. Cullen, is the omelette okay?" he heard Mrs. Miller ask from below.
Walking to the banister and looking down, Edward breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Bella seated at the breakfast nook. She didn't see him as she picked at the omelette in front of her.
"Yes, it's fine," Edward heard her say. "I'm just not very hungry."
"Would you like something else?" Mrs. Miller asked.
Bella shook her head. Looking at her, Edward was not only reminded of all that had happened the previous evening but all the emotions that came with it as well. The heartache and the pain were still fresh in his mind.
Not wanting to dwell on it too much, he returned into the master bedroom and went into the bathroom. As he stood beneath the shower, he practised hardening himself. It was the only way he would be able to face the day. By the time he was dressed and making his way downstairs, he no longer allowed his emotions to overrule him. The heartbreak was there, but he didn't allow himself to feel it.
Mrs. Miller was the first one to see him when he stepped into the kitchen.
"Mr. Cullen," she said as a greeting. "Would you like breakfast?"
Edward could sense an undercurrent of something in her voice. When he looked at Bella, he could see the reason why. He hadn't noticed it from upstairs, but there were bruises and marks covering Bella's face and arms, and beneath her eye looked swollen. In his hardened state, Edward was unable to care as much as he should. Even though her body was bruised, there was still fire in Bella's eyes. He narrowed his eyes at her.
"No, thank you," he told Mrs. Miller without taking his eyes off of his wife. "I would, however, like a moment with Bella."
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Mrs. Miller leave the room. When she was gone, he made his way over to where Bella sat. He took the seat opposite her, his gaze never leaving hers. She did not waver under his intense stare.
They stared at each other for a moment, both of them daring the other person to back down. Edward broke the silence.
"I don't care that you don't want to be here," he snarled. "I meant what I said last night. You will never escape me. I will never let you go, so you might as well get used to it."
Her brown eyes frosted over at his words. "I will never get used to it, and I don't care how long it takes me. I will find a way to get away from you."
Edward's eyes blazed at her words, but still, she refused to back down.
"Is that what you think?" he asked, his tone deathly quiet.
"That's what I know."
Edward had to take a deep breath to stop himself from striking her. It was getting late, and he had business to attend to. Knowing that no matter what he said would only be met with her own fury, Edward stood up and walked to the other side of the table. Taking her chin between his fingers, he tilted her head until her angry brown eyes were looking at him.
Leaning forward, he whispered against her mouth, "You are mine. The sooner you accept that, the better it will be for you." When he pressed his lips against hers, he was surprised she didn't pull away. She decided to punish him in another way by not responding. When he pulled back, he saw the fire in her eyes had not dimmed.
"You are not to leave the estate at all. Only when I say you can are you allowed to go. If I find out you have disobeyed me, there will be consequences."
She tugged her face away from his grip.
"Behave today," he said. Then leaving her to her anger, he walked out of the house, slamming the door as he went.
"It's hard looking at Alexis, knowing what I put her mother through. Alexis looks so much like Bella, and when I look at her, I'm constantly reminded of all the horrors I did in my past," Edward said as he looked out the window into the bright Port Angeles day. The openness of Port Angeles was a welcomed change to the constant cover that hovered over Forks.
Behind him, the psychologist, Dr. Haner, waited patiently for him to finish speaking. In her mid-forties, Dr. Haner was supposedly the best in the area, not that Edward cared about that much. His main reason for choosing her was that her office was the closest to Forks. She was the only person, other than Bella, who knew everything that had happened between them. It took several sessions before Edward admitted to all that had happened. Even then, he was not entirely comfortable. Even though the doctor-patient confidentiality had come in place, he did not go into depth about his relationship with Bella until Dr. Haner had agreed to sign a confidentiality agreement.
"Do you think your past has affected how you interact with Alexis?" Dr. Haner asked. Turning his back to the outside, Edward thought carefully about her question before he answered.
"It does, but not in a bad way. Alexis is the only person in this mess who has remained untouched. Everyone else involved has been altered or affected by it somehow. She's the only person who doesn't see me for the tyrant I am. I guess it's made me even more determined to protect her from it."
"Well, it seems you are doing a great job at protecting her from it, but aren't you worried the effect Esme could have on Alexis?"
"All the time," Edward admitted.
Esme had remained relentless in her ever persuasion to Edward to take Alexis. She had not given up hope he would leave Forks with Alexis and return to Chicago.
"I still don't understand why she wants Alexis so badly. I know I told Bella I would choose, but I just can't. I can't turn my back on her no more than I could turn my back on Bella and Alexis."
"But, Edward, don't you think you should focus more on building a firm relationship with your daughter than pushing for a relationship with Bella?" Dr. Haner asked.
There it was again. The disagreement they'd been having ever since Edward had bared his soul and spoken about all that had happened. They'd agreed on a goal-oriented approach to Edward's sessions, but the goals remained a source of disagreement. Dr. Haner thought it was best Edward focus more on building a relationship with Alexis and being a constant presence in her life, but Edward wanted differently. He wanted to work on building a relationship with Alexis and work to get Bella back. This was something Dr. Haner had advised against, pointing out if Bella and Edward were to rekindle their relationship, it should be of Bella's own choosing. Any pressure from Edward could result in Bella pulling away from him entirely.
"I still don't see why I can't work on both," Edward said.
Dr. Haner sighed, and she seemed to weigh her words very carefully before she spoke them. "Edward, I just worry that if your plan of, 'getting Bella back' as you put it, backfires, it might throw you slightly off-balance. You might slip into your old ways."
"I won't," Edward insisted, but Dr. Haner couldn't be swayed.
"Just think about it, Edward. From what you've described, Bella seems to be a very strong-willed woman who won't be bent no matter how much you try. Don't you think that maybe just developing a friendship with her is better than pushing for a relationship?"
Even though Edward would never admit it to himself, he knew she was right. The simple fact Bella was giving him a chance with Alexis was more than he could have hoped for. He knew he should be grateful she was even speaking to him, but for Edward, it wasn't enough. He had never been happier in his life than when he was with Bella. Just the thought of having to accept they could never be together was too painful to even contemplate.
"Why don't you think about it a while, and the next time we meet we can talk more?" Dr. Haner said after a while. Edward's time was up, and he was glad for it.
After leaving the office, Edward walked to his car with slight irritation. It was just after ten when Edward arrived back at his house. He knew Alexis would still be in school and Bella at work. Today, Bella's mother was flying in from Arizona. Even though he offered to be there, Bella had said she wanted to meet Renee on her own. A ringing silence met Edward when he walked in through his front door. He hated moments alone. It gave him too much time to think.
He knew he should at least be doing something work-related, but after the conversation with the psychologist, that was a lost cause. Instead, he went into the living room where his piano sat waiting. It was the very first thing he'd had brought in when he'd bought the house, and he often felt it served as a better therapy than Dr. Haner.
Edward passed his fingertips gently over the keys before he let the music flow through him. As usual, the tune was a sad one that spoke of desperation, hopelessness and heartbreak. It described perfectly how he felt. As he played, Edward allowed his mind to think about what Dr. Haner had said.
She was right, of course. The more Edward pushed Bella to get back together, the more Bella pulled away. She'd already made it clear that other than raising Alexis, she didn't want anything to do with him. But Edward couldn't accept that. He loved Bella too much to push his selfishness aside and let her go. Despite Dr. Haner's warning, Edward was firm in his belief he would not slip back into his old self.
The sound of his piano was disrupted by the ringing of his phone.
"Cullen," he said.
Leah's voice came through the speaker. "Good day, Mr. Cullen. I'm just calling to let you know Mr. McAllister accepted your offer to buy his business," Leah said.
"That's good. Did he settle for the maximum amount?"
"Yes."
Edward rolled his eyes. "Of course he did," he said.
John McAllister was the owner of the local newspaper business Bella now worked for, and it was worth a lot less than what Edward had offered. Edward didn't care much for the business itself, but he saw it as a way to help Bella. He knew Bella would never accept something if it came directly from him, so he figured he would help her indirectly and without her knowledge.
"Mr. Ateara will be flying to Forks tomorrow with the paperwork for you and Mr. McAllister to sign."
"Okay, thanks," Edward said before hanging up.
It often amused Edward the avenues he had to take to get Bella to accept his help. He supposed he couldn't blame her. If he was in her position, he wouldn't be too eager to accept anyone's help either.
Edward resumed his playing, allowing his thoughts to return to Bella as they always did. The tune he played this time was a more peaceful one, and whilst it did not reflect his emotions, it did bring him some peace. This tune spoke of hope and comfort. As he played, he allowed the music to take him to a place where being with Bella wasn't an impossibility.
No, Dr. Haner is not obligated to report what Edward said. I know this is the first thing everyone will wonder. Bella is considered a competent adult, and neither Washington nor Illinois have laws that mandate psychologists to report domestic violence. Now if it was Alexis being abused then yes, they are mandated to report in cases of child abuse or elderly abuse.
Whilst some really good and interesting guesses have been made, no one has been able to guess why Esme treats Bella the way she does. I think one reader did several chapters back, but I can't remember. To really understand Esme, you will have to look beyond the expected behaviour of a battered woman.
That is all I'm saying.
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