Translations:
*Get out of the car!
**Get out of the Prius, you idiot!
Kyle looked at the TV.
"Everyone EVACUATE South Park! I repeat, EVACUATE SOUTH PARK!" the newscaster shouted.
"Russell, come on!" Kyle yelled.
"Where we going, daddy?" he asked.
"Somewhere safer!" Kyle said.
Kyle gathered everything important.
As he started the car, bombers barely came into view.
"Bombers! Should I go back and get it?" he thought.
He ran inside and looked in the drawer of Eric's bedside table. He grabbed the note and ran back to the car.
He started going about 40 mph.
"Wait a second, FUCK speed limits!" he thought.
He suddenly was glad that he decided to get a Prius, which Eric said was the "Scott Malkinson" of cars. Small and annoying.
Kyle kicked that fucker into high gear and virtually teleported down the street. He called his friends on the way out of Colorado.
"I'm okay, Kenny warned me earlier and I got out as quick as I could," Butters told him.
"Well, I'm on v-vacation in California, and my boyfriend is here too," Jimmy said.
"Jesus! There was a bombing?! Thank God I moved! Wait, no, I'm in prison for taking speed! GAH!" Tweek shouted frantically.
"I moved to the UK with Nichole," Token said.
"I'm in prison remember? I share a cell with Tweek, who by the way, is a closet gay or something. He tried to anally rape me!" Craig said.
"I got married to Pete Melman and moved to Texas," Wendy said.
Kyle had checked on all of his alive friends. Kyle heard a helicopter approaching. Russian troops parachuted out and landed in front of Kyle's car. They shot the wheels and he crashed.
"*Получить из машины!" one shouted.
"What are you saying?!" Kyle asked.
"**Выйдите из Prius, ты идиот!" another demanded.
"Can you speak English?" Kyle asked.
"Ah, ze American fool does no understand," another said.
"Ve said, GET OUT OF ZE PRIUS!" a soldier shouted.
Kyle complied and got out. He put his hands up.
"What have you done to my husband?" Kyle asked.
"Oh, Fort Carson? Ve invade and took prisoners," they said.
"Who survived as prisoners?" Kyle asked.
"12 men survive. One vas 'Sergeant Scott Tenorman'. You know him?"
"I know him, but that's not my husband," Kyle said.
"There vas a McCormick guy. Your husband McCormick guy?" he asked.
"No! How about a Cartman?" Kyle asked hopefully.
"Oh, ZAT guy. He vould not shut up! 'Vhere is Kyle? Vhat have you done vith Kyle?' is all he said!" a soldier complained.
"Thank god he's okay," Kyle said.
"Who else survived?" he asked.
"Let me think. I'm lucky I did when you left me to die in Germany! After Eric shot the chip out of my brain, I was fine! But he left me to die! The Russians took me in, they cared for me, they raised me to adulthood. I trained to become the perfect soldier for the Russians! And now, I can do something I've been waiting 20 years for!" said a particularly muscular soldier. He didn't have an accent.
"Wait... that voice, that hair, that hat... STAN?!" Kyle realized.
Russell crawled out of the car.
"Daddy?" he asked.
Kyle ran over to Russell.
"Russell, hide behind the car and cover your ears. Daddy can feel a sensation in the back of his mind he hasn't felt in a long time. I thought it was gone," Kyle said.
Russell obeyed and hid.
"Now to do what I've waited 20 years for," Stan said.
Kyle stood there fearlessly.
"I can't apologize enough for not finding a way to return to South Park! I'm sorry, buddy!" Stan sobbed.
"I've missed everyone so much! I'm not a supporter of the Russians, but they made me who I am today. I can't shoot them, it wouldn't be right," Stan said.
"Good. Get behind the car," Kyle demanded.
"Why?" he asked.
"BECAUSE! You don't want to see this!" Kyle shouted.
Stan went behind the car with Russell.
"Who are you?" Russell asked.
"I'm a friend of your dad's," he said.
"Will he be okay?" Russell hoped.
"Your daddy's a strong man. He'll be fine," Stan comforted him.
Kyle took his shirt off, revealing his Kyley-B shirt. He pulled some hair gel out of the car. He slicked his hair back. Although he didn't have a Jew-fro anymore, he could still slick his hair back a bit. He pulled a gold chain out of his pocket and put it on. He went full Jersey.
"LISTEN HERE, YOU DRUNK BASTARDS! YOU WANNA INVADE A COUNTRY, GO CREEPIN' SOMEWHERES ELSE!" Kyle shouted.
"VHAT did you just say?!" a Russian asked.
"YOU HEARD ME! GO BACK TO RUSSIA AND FREEZE YOUR ASS OFF! YOUR WIFE SURE COULD USE HELP GETTIN' THE CABBAGE OUT 'ER FUCKIN' MUFF!" Kyle shouted.
The Russians were mostly confused.
"YOU'RE GARBAGE! YOU 'EAR ME? YOU AIN'T SHIT! GO AND SHOVE SOME VODKA UP YA ASS!" he screamed.
He walked up to one Russian and bitch-slapped him. He picked up the soldier's gun.
"GO ON, YA DRUNK BASTARDS! GO CREEP ON SOMEONE ELSE!" he shouted, firing shots into the air. The Russians fired at Kyle. One bullet hit right in his torso. It just missed his liver. Kyle winced in pain and stumbled backward. He fell down, but he wasn't done. He aimed his gun at the Russians and fired a full clip. Those Russians were dead.
Kyle stood up and bandaged the wound himself.
Kyle noticed that more bullets had been fired at him. He only had one wound though, and Stan lay motionless in front of him. He checked Stan's pulse. He was dead.
Kyle sobbed. He closed Stan's eyelids. He told Russell to get back in the car. They were going to help the others take back America.